To think social class plays a part in making friends

[Jadefeather7]

I know a lot of people will likely find this obnoxious etc but as I’ve become a mum and seeking to make mum friends I feel like I didn’t realise before how much background impacts on friendships. Most of my friends come from a similar background i.e. we are professionals who live pretty comfortably. I was at a coffee morning today and I found myself having to really think about what I was saying. I felt a bit odd talking about my job and lifestyle. I thought about just sticking to baby topics as that’s what we all have in common but there were things that I couldn’t say for example when the mums were talking about babies not sleeping I couldn’t say that we managed to sort out our baby’s sleep with a sleep consultant. I even felt embarrassed about the way I speak English and felt that people would judge me for being ‘posh’.

I do appreciate everything I have had and I don’t look down on people who don’t have those things but I couldn't help feeling like the odd one out today and feeling that I couldn’t really be myself. I’ve read threads complaining about it being the other way around i.e. mums feeling that NCT groups are too “middle class” but I’m finding the reverse. Has anyone else experienced this? Do I need to try to find friends who are more like me or am I just sheltered and needing exposure to different people? If the latter do I just talk freely and risk coming off like a show off/snob or do I need to constantly be aware off how I come across and keep things to myself?

@Jadefeather7

Maybe in some groups, you have to sort of ease your way in rather than make friends automatically. My hubby has a hobby and one time, I attended to watch and there was a new guy present. I felt that the other men didn't do all they could have to make him feel welcome and he seemed to be sat on the side a bit. He chipped in a few times but whereas I would have made an effort to directly respond to his contributions to show that he is welcome and interesting, the guys just sort of murmured some sort of agreement. I brought it up with my hubby afterwards because it is important for the longevity of the club to attract new members and he said that we get so many "one timers", that it becomes annoying to continually "kill the fattened calf" for their initiation. He even said there's been a few times he thought he really clicked with a newbie and never saw them again leaving him feeling hurt and used! Lighthearted but the sentiment was there IFYKWIM.

When I was a single mum in a council flat I became colleagues and friends with a woman with a completely different background. She owned a large house and woodland at the edge of the village. It pissed me off how she would edit herself, and try to justify her choices.

YY I have experienced this a lot too and it's really patronising! I hate it when well off people try to play it down because they know you are not. Look, I already know you have money it's not a secret! Someone up thread mentioned how you shouldn't ever talk about money anyway unless the other person is "of similar means" but I do notice it's only the well off who stick to that idea (that it is rude to discuss money). My friend who is a care assistant will tell me about her hourly pay rise (and I will go man that's not much, and she will agree!) Whereas the more middle class people I know will be ever so coy about earnings..
I never got the British thing about pretending we all have the same amount of money and averting ones eyes from reality!

While there is a lot of truth to what is said on this thread, as I reach my 40s, I don't see this as a personal problem myself. I'm fairly working class, but went to university, married up a social class, and I think I'm pretty adept at socialising across the social classes. Indeed, one of my regrets is that when I was younger I rejected people I saw as posher than me. I do of course change my accent or the topics we talk about, or the types of jokes we make when I'm in different groups.

Perhaps it depends on where you live. I live in a village where the only baby group is the mums and toddlers at the village hall. Everyone goes there so everyone mixes regardless of 'class'.

The kids all go to the same schools, sports teams, scouts, birthday parties etc so we parents are thrown together a lot.

Over the years DH and I have developed a network of friends from diverse backgrounds. Amongst us there are SAHP, WOHP, lone parents, some own their own houses, some are in local authority houses, some own more than one house, some have a nanny.

It didn't happen overnight though, you have to give it more time to actually get to know the people and let them get to know you. After the intense early period of new parenthood we all started talking less about things like sleep issues and more about ourselves. Once we were able to show and see more of the actual person rather than the parent we gravitated to people whose interests and values we shared.

@Camomila I am sorry you were treating like that.
Our very MC lady although very poor spoke very posh, used full cutlery with a napkin for every occassion. We use to giggle at her voice though she was very excepted and loved by all. In her later years we do shop runs, helped her tidy up.
My DM is working class they were best friends, when she moved in she asked DM would she have a percolator until her stuff arrived, DM replied no but I can lend you a pot.
Friendship sealed over hilarious laughing.

Thanks Emerald I was lucky as the kids on my road were nice (different school) so I had after-school friends, and I used to go to gymnastics after school and the girls were nice there too. So I wasn't completely friendless :)

When I walked in there were two ladies that had just walked in before me. I went up to them and said “Hello, How are you? Is this the x group? I’m X nice to meet you” and then they carried on making small talk amongst themselves (totally ignoring me if I tried to chip in and one of them would not even glance at me as you would to make the other person feel included)
That's being rude and/or insular, not social class.

I still think it's a bit paranoid to decide that all these mums in different situations must all somehow have an issue with you because you talk differently.
The assumption seems to be that all these people have an issue with you due to you being middle class. In reality, most people won't care because friendly people are friendly regardless. Of course people will click more with people they share interests with and those friendships will develop naturally (within and across social classes), but being a friendly acquaintance with someone is perfectly possible across all social classes.

Kazzy is right. There are arseholes, attention seekers, braggers etc in all social classes.

My dd plays football, and is also at a very good private school. We are pretty well off. Sometimes the parents of the team she plays in think the things we do are wanky middle class bollocks and my best mum friends on the team take the piss (fairly kindly!). It's fine, I know it sounds prattish tonsay that dd plays lacrosse, or that she has a horse. I don't generally talk about myself I just ask about their lives instead. Seems to work ok.

I met my long term friends when our health visitor encouraged us to set up a mother and toddler group. We were a real mix . I had my own business and ended up employing a couple of the mums who were on benefits. Over the years our positions have changed . One of the mums who was single on benefits went back to education and now has a senior position at a university. My husband left and I became a single parent with little money. Through all the changes we have remained close friends and I know they would always be there for me.
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'or am I just sheltered and needing exposure to different people? If the latter do I just talk freely and risk coming off like a show off/snob or do I need to constantly be aware off how I come across and keep things to myself?' yes, learn to get along with different people. Listen twice as much as you talk and no harm to temper what you're saying and be conscious of how it might sound.

I’m what I suppose you would call middle class, Private school, Uni, own our own company etc but my friends range from a single mum with a MW job to the daughter of a peer. I seem to find things in common with most people I meet, whoever they are.
I think it IS easier for someone like me to mix both “up” and “down” ( just using those terms to try and explain) than someone who might feel intimidated by people they feel are “better” than them.
Luckily for me I’m pretty confident and while I did go to Private school and learned to mix with more wealthy people I was on a scholarship and my brother was at a Comp so I also hung out with his friends, which might be one reason why I’m not hung up on people’s backgrounds too much.

Class isn't real. It's a made up, meaningless British thing

Of course class is real in Britain today. We all make judgements when meeting someone new on their clothing or the way they speak. We need to do this to suss out how likely we are to be able to get on. So I'd make a judgement if someone is decked out in brand new polyester clothes, not a negative judgement but a judgement all the same.

I think it takes practice to be successful at being able to mix with a broad spectrum of people from different classes.

I can talk to anyone now if I feel that click with them when introducing myself.

In fact I just love talking and will chew anyone's ear off if they're willing to listen

When I was a single mum in a council flat I became colleagues and friends with a woman with a completely different background. She owned a large house and woodland at the edge of the village. It pissed me off how she would edit herself, and try to justify her choices

Well, that's interesting, but in the nicest possible way, its not all about you. I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about things that clearly cost a lot of money in front of someone that may not be able to afford those things.

I mix freely in my adult social life as I have a varied background myself and I work in a sector which isn’t traditional. My best friends are somewhat arty where money and class are all a lot more mixed up and nobody goes in for traditional status purchases.

But friends I made through having babies that have gelled have been of similar means. There’s a big variation in income but we all own our homes, go on similar holidays and enjoy and have means for similar things with our kids and partners. I would never be so crass as to ask for advice on loft extension architects from somebody struggling to pay their rent or suggest expensive days out or kids activities to people I know haven’t got the money.

"I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about things that clearly cost a lot of money in front of someone that may not be able to afford those things."

Why? Most of us povvos do understand that not everyone is poor and can afford different things. We're not THAT thick.

Why? Most of us povvos do understand that not everyone is poor and can afford different things. We're not THAT thick

but chippy, clearly.

If I don't feel that I want to talk about it, that's up to me.

Yes Trewser but that's what is so patronising, to edit yourself and limit what you talk about with certain people. My ds had a lot of friends whose parents were well off but only one lot made me feel awkward about being poor and that was because they were so awkward and sort of apologetic about their holidays skiing and their house etc. I knew the mum for years and she was nice, we got on, but I knew that with the parents who were also solicitors or lecturers and also had big houses she would be much more relaxed and a lot less awkward. Like I said, people with less aren't stupid, they know if you have more than them, but it's fine. I can be friends with literally anyone as long as they have a sense of humour, don't take themselves too seriously and treat me like an equal. When you "adjust" your accent or topics of conversation you are not treating people equally.
On the other end of it I have a friend who you could say is much more working class than I am and she takes the piss out out my poshness when I say certain things, and we argue about politics, but that's fine.
I do think some middle class people can be very uptight about any sort of conflict or difference.

I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about things that clearly cost a lot of money in front of someone that may not be able to afford those things
I just dislike money chat in general.
Everyone has different incomes and spends their money in different ways. Passing chat about things is fine and we're not stupid enough to think everyone earns the same, but I would find someone quite off-putting if they were regularly talking about status symbols, it doesn't interest me and that probably shows we don't have similar outlook.

Eg. discussing local nurseries and schools and private comes up, wouldn't bother me as part of the conversation, but if someone was talking about how their child is struggling socially to settle and someone chimed in with how at their children's private school that's not an issue because they do... Then I'd be a bit

Same on the sleeping front. If someone's having a rough time of it and seeking solidarity or some understanding then chiming in with how getting a sleep consultant solved the issues and they've been a lifesave would be a bit to me.

If someone was sharing about some childcare issues and the stress of juggling working and childcare and then someone else says "well getting a full time nanny made my life so much easier as I don't have to worry about some of the chores as well" I'd be a bit .

In all those situations there was the option to empathise, but the person would have chosen to essentially say "because I have money I don't have the same struggles as you". It's a trait I would struggle to get on with.

chippy..ooh! Now we're getting to it!

She probably prefers talking about skiing holidays with someone whose also been on a skiing holiday tbh. And that's fine.

I used to be reserved but it's no way to live. Most people probably assume I had a well off childhood but actually I lived in an estate and had a child myself at 16. Most people judge me by my husband now so I never ever hide. If they judge they will find out they were wrong. I'm me :-)

It's not about flaunting status symbols, just not being embarrassed that you can afford things or trying to hide it.
If my kid is thriving at private school am I not allowed to say how glad I am that it's an option and that I know I'm very lucky? You can still sympathise with someone else who isn't so lucky. My best friend is very successful and owns a house in London. I'm envious but I also know she has other struggles. Plus I get to stay with her! Most people can see past all this stuff.

If my kid is thriving at private school am I not allowed to say how glad I am that it's an option and that I know I'm very lucky?

you can say what you like. Personally I would never say that to anyone. If people ask I say she's loving it thank you! Then change the subject. I would talk more openly to another parent at the school.

She probably prefers talking about skiing holidays with someone whose also been on a skiing holiday tbh. And that's fine.

And...how does she know I haven't?
(I have actually I used to live about an hours drive from a ski resort!)
But it's interesting to see how the preconceptions work..

It's not about flaunting status symbols, just not being embarrassed that you can afford things or trying to hide it.
And yet basic human tact and common sense tells us all when to share things and when not to.
Take money out of it. If my friend was struggling at work and potential maternity discrimination and on hearing her struggles I chose to talk about how in so lucky not to have that problem because my work are excellent, I've been inconsiderate and that reflects badly on me.

If a friend is sharing some difficulties in their relationship and my response is to tell them all the things DH does so I don't have that problem then that's inconsiderate.

If my kid is thriving at private school am I not allowed to say how glad I am that it's an option and that I know I'm very lucky?
Nobody would think anything if you talked about your child being at private school. We're not all crippled by this bizarre envy/bitterness/insecurity or whatever elsr the OP thinks makes people not bond with her.

But if someone was sharing how their child is struggling in school and you used that opportunity to mention how your child being at private school means you don't have those issues then you'd be inconsiderate and a bit of an arse.