To think social class plays a part in making friends

[Jadefeather7]

I know a lot of people will likely find this obnoxious etc but as I’ve become a mum and seeking to make mum friends I feel like I didn’t realise before how much background impacts on friendships. Most of my friends come from a similar background i.e. we are professionals who live pretty comfortably. I was at a coffee morning today and I found myself having to really think about what I was saying. I felt a bit odd talking about my job and lifestyle. I thought about just sticking to baby topics as that’s what we all have in common but there were things that I couldn’t say for example when the mums were talking about babies not sleeping I couldn’t say that we managed to sort out our baby’s sleep with a sleep consultant. I even felt embarrassed about the way I speak English and felt that people would judge me for being ‘posh’.

I do appreciate everything I have had and I don’t look down on people who don’t have those things but I couldn't help feeling like the odd one out today and feeling that I couldn’t really be myself. I’ve read threads complaining about it being the other way around i.e. mums feeling that NCT groups are too “middle class” but I’m finding the reverse. Has anyone else experienced this? Do I need to try to find friends who are more like me or am I just sheltered and needing exposure to different people? If the latter do I just talk freely and risk coming off like a show off/snob or do I need to constantly be aware off how I come across and keep things to myself?

I've not said it's impossible.
I've said it's more likely there's a whole range of factors involved than a whole bunch of people deciding to ignore someone for the way they spoke during a quick hello.
Same is true in reverse. Some people are just rude in those situations. It doesn't mean they've done some comprehensive analysis of whether their class fits.

Trewser Hardly, it's just some of us think it's more likely that at some groups you'll meet people who are a bit rude, or are mid conversation and don't pick up on people joining, or that when someone joins the conversation they may misjudge a contribution or any other number of things other than a whole group of people have decided I'm posh and therefore it's likely people can't get on across the classes.

I think what the OP is trying to say is that you can only really relax and be yourself among people who you know are from your tribe, because they won't judge your accent or your choices in the way that people from other tribes may do. There are examples on this thread of people who misunderstand the behaviour of people from other tribes or who feel awkward when topics of conversation aren't things they'd ever normally talk about - that's why people generally end up being good friends with those they feel share their background, or at least their lifestyle, values and aspirations, of which is pretty bloody obvious really!

But finding your tribe is more than deciding people must think you're middle class or posh based in how you speak.

E.g. DH and I have friends across a range of income brackets. Some have regional accents, some speak more RP. Some own their own homes, some don't. Some have smaller homes and a bigger holidays lifestyle, we have our money ties up in our home so don't do big holidays.
Our finances don't make a difference to the friendships because nobody is an arse, nobody bleats on about money, nobody assumes other people will have an issue about them talking about something someone else may not afford.
Sometimes we meet friends of friends and we click, other times we don't. We met someone at a baby event a few weeks ago and they didn't say much, but their mannerisms made them come across as aloof and unapproachable so we didn't make that much of an effort, another person was superficially someone not very like us at all but they were hilarious and I'd love to bump into them again. There's rude people we've encountered along the way but their accent and their money doesn't come into it.

Yep I don't fit in either and I'm somewhere in the middle too. I'm not a high flying career woman with a nanny and a cleaner talking about returning to work. I'm a SAHM through choice as my husband is a high earner so I have money to do activities most days but I just haven't met anyone since moving areas that I click with. I'm quite shy which doesn't help. I also have two kids at school one with special needs and I had lots of friends from baby groups when they were young who I'm still in touch with even though those children are 11 now so it makes me sad I haven't made friends this time. I don't seem have much in common with the people I do meet at various groups and everyone already has their groups and I feel like an outsider...

Lola I daresay you're being deliberately obtuse.

This thread has been an opportunity for people to pile in with their competing class-blind experiences, most of which are probably quite different from what the OP describes (university friends hardly count - the whole point of university is throwing off the shackles of your childhood, re-defining yourself, doing new things. Not to mention everyone is roughly the same age).

Surely it is extremely unusual for mothers bearing obvious, polar opposite class indicators to mix with ease.

Then at DCs school I felt the other end of it where many mums had au pairs, lived in massive detached houses etc and we live in a semi and (just) have a cleaner. I once went to a dinner at one of their houses - all talking about au pair experiences etc and I couldn’t keep up! They were all fine individually but as a group - not for me!

Oh yeah. I would say my random experiences tend to be more like the OP's. However, my son is at a fairly famous boarding school and we wound up at a party in Norfolk through some random happenstance. It was a concentrated distillation of upper-middles and uppers and I was a fish out of water. E.g. discussion of artwork, and also, everyone there was second or third cousins. Fucking weird.

I have a fair few upper-middle class friends, one of my closest friends is upper-middle, but I really do not want to go to an upper-middle/upper party again. It is bewildering.

I was so glad to leave and return to middle-class land.

I'm not being obtuse. I just think most people don't leave situations deciding a few people were a bit rude and then deicidng that this was all based on a quick hello to some strangers because they didn't like the fact they sounded more "polished".

Unless the area is fairly unusual, polar opposites are highly unlikely to end up in the same groups because of geography, transport, cost, the nature of the group, whether is a baby class Vs social morning etc. Most groups will have a reasonable mix of people and most people can get along well just fine in a casual aquaintance situation without deciding they couldn't possibly speak to someone who sounds different .

There's a massive difference between a hello and chat at a baby group/coffee morning and finding people who, over time, will become really close friends. The latter are more likely to happen with shared interests.

I agree that your identifying your tribe and finding them can be complex. DH and I are both broadly MC, but from different countries and very different family backgrounds. However, through education and our lifestyles and choices in adulthood we have a lot in common (our families, however, have nothing at all in common). As a mixed-nationality couple our 'tribe' often means other mixed-nationality couples and/or those who've spent time living abroad. We have much more in common with them (even if neither of them are the same nationalities as either of us), than we do with the people who've lived in this town all their lives and still hang out with their school friends.

But why would ‘your tribe’ need to be the same income and class as yourself? Surely only a very superficial friendship would depend on having similar material goods and the same accent to discuss them in. My friends and I have far more interesting conversations than our house values or disposable incomes.

In addition, I don’t understand the assumption that anyone excluding you must be doing so based on class. If I encounter arseholes, I put their behaviour down to being arseholes, not representative of either their class or how their social class generally behaves towards mine.

But I suppose if you don’t generally mix it’s easy to jump to conclusions based on a one off experience. And perhaps if you’re a city dwelling member of the lower/ middle mc you have always had an abundance of similar people around, whereas those of us that live more rurally or are part of a less common group have always mixed.

trainspotting
Your outlook is similar to mine.

If I encounter arseholes and rude people then I put it down to them being rude, not class

But why would ‘your tribe’ need to be the same income and class as yourself?

It doesn't necessarily. I like anyone with a good dry sense of humour. But if you have an expensive hobby that you enjoy, its nice to hang out with people that have the same expensive hobby. Not exclusively, but sometimes.

Lola, you have aptly proved by now that you are gloriously class-blind and have such a dazzling interesting personality and bias-free that you make friends from all social circles. And all that a bit at the expense of OP. I wonder why you persist though.

lola exactly.

Trewser I can understand that view point in some circumstances. My hobby is expensive, but the equine world is much broader than something like skiing.

I met a close friend waiting in A&E when we were teens. Her involvement in the horse world was limited to occasional pony trekking in one of the many care homes she’d lived in and walking for miles to go and stroke random horses in fields. I’d had ponies from birth and a pony club background. But her genuine love of horses meant we had far more in common than I had with many people that physically appeared to have the same privileged experiences as I did.

Not class blind. Just capable of getting on with acquaintances and if I meet some people who are rude/antisocial /insular/ dont seem that bothered about getting to know me then that it's their approach to new people / they're probably a bit rude.

If people at a coffee morning or baby group can't manage a hello then they're rude.
If I make an effort to join a conversation and they blank me then they're either rude, or I misjudged the conversation and group.

I don't walk away from a situation deciding that a whole class of people couldn't possibly get on with me because they think I'm richer/poorer than them, that people didn't like me because of how I dress or how I talk.

I don't think anyone born in this country is class blind. However, sometimes it's relevant and sometimes it's not. If you really click with someone then class may not be a barrier to friendship, but if you don't then it can be another thing that you don't like about them. Other times it's less about class and more about having a similar level of disposable income/lifestyle.