To think social class plays a part in making friends

[Jadefeather7]

I know a lot of people will likely find this obnoxious etc but as I’ve become a mum and seeking to make mum friends I feel like I didn’t realise before how much background impacts on friendships. Most of my friends come from a similar background i.e. we are professionals who live pretty comfortably. I was at a coffee morning today and I found myself having to really think about what I was saying. I felt a bit odd talking about my job and lifestyle. I thought about just sticking to baby topics as that’s what we all have in common but there were things that I couldn’t say for example when the mums were talking about babies not sleeping I couldn’t say that we managed to sort out our baby’s sleep with a sleep consultant. I even felt embarrassed about the way I speak English and felt that people would judge me for being ‘posh’.

I do appreciate everything I have had and I don’t look down on people who don’t have those things but I couldn't help feeling like the odd one out today and feeling that I couldn’t really be myself. I’ve read threads complaining about it being the other way around i.e. mums feeling that NCT groups are too “middle class” but I’m finding the reverse. Has anyone else experienced this? Do I need to try to find friends who are more like me or am I just sheltered and needing exposure to different people? If the latter do I just talk freely and risk coming off like a show off/snob or do I need to constantly be aware off how I come across and keep things to myself?

Yes absolutely.

Birds of a feather stick together.

It's one of the reasons I think I find it hard to make new friends. I have a middle class background but look and speak like I'm working class.

I've noticed that stereotypical middle class type women are a bit sneering towards me but I don't fit in with the working class ones either really.

I'm sort of stuck in a social class wilderness.

Be yourself. People who are worth knowing won't care whether you are posh or not.
Over thinking and censoring what you say is likely to make you come across as awkward as it's easy to see when someone isn't sincere.
You can talk freely about experiences,- doesn't need to sound boastful if you are a sincere and non- judgemental yourself.

Not so much social class but similar approaches and values and interests.

I've got a working class background but would probably tick many middle class professional boxes now. Like PP that puts me in a social class wilderness.

I can get on with most people but am already nervous about baby groups in my new area in case the other mums are more of the MN Boden/Joules/we are so broke by the time we pay private fees types.

If people were sharing sleeping stories and then someone chimed in with how they got it sorted with a sleep consultant then I think I'd feel quite awkward because it would come across to me as a bit close to money talk (but then I have kept my working class chip where it's not the done thing to talk about money and status symbols etc).

YANBU. It's difficult. Unless you're a real snob (or an inverted snob) it is perfectly easy to get along amicably with people from all walks of life when you meet them. But in terms of socialising with people and making actual friendships, it's a lot easier if you have more in common.

Having said that... I have local friends who I don't have much in common with apart from our dc and dogs - and that's how we met. I see them far far more often than my older friends who live a long way away and with whom I have much more in common. They are very nice and we chat a lot, but yes... I am conscious that I stick to certain topics of conversation. And yes, that is largely to do with background, education, interests etc.

I think so yes. I think people have always made friends from the same 'pool' so to speak, friends from church, kids on the same street, same university, same club, work etc and they are more likely to be from the same class/similar background (obviously some exceptions but generally ). When you meet a group of other mums the only thing you immediately have in common is having given birth at around the same time. That said if you aren't snobby, genuinely don't look down on people then there's no reason you can't be friendly and pass the time of day with everyone and gradually for friendships with people with whom you have things (besides age of baby)in common.
I suppose you might get posters saying they have a wide range of friends but it's honestly not been my experience.

@formerbabe you've just described me to a tee. I just don't ever feel like I "fit" because of similar set ups

When I had ds we lived in a - well, not very posh area. The health visitor introduced me to the first-time mums' group, and, yes, the women there were not middle class.

Do you know what? I had such a laugh with them. We were all struggling, and there were no airs and graces. Very warm, generous people and I'm still friends with a couple.

I also went to a "approved" baby group which was more PLU (people like us - barf). I came home crushed. Braggy, boasty women whose babies slept 20 hours a day and whose boobs were bursting with the best milk ever and whose dhs were simply wonderful and natural fathers and they had made just the right choice of pram and already moved to just the right catchment area..... I never went back there.

It's a breath of fresh air to hear you say that actually. You've proved with your post that you're not a snob at all. I feel the complete opposite to you. I can't go along to mum groups or meet new mums as I'm working class and a single parent struggling a bit. I don't talk posh as I'm from East London so abit cockney if you like. I'd hate to go along to meet mums and feel like I couldn't join in any conversations. I feel the other mums would be talking about their posh trips to M&S and waitrsose while I'd be sitting there wanting to talk about how much I got from aldi 😂 in fact I've found that most mums on this site are all very posh on here.. I'm yet to find a working class cockney mum with a personality like mine. I do feel very lonely on here at times 😩

I hear you. I’ve found the school gate even worse. They’re lovely and they try to include me but I have to watch what I say like a hawk to avoid being offensive with my assumptions...which all stem from having grown up very privileged. Luckily there’s one other mum I can be honest with and we bond over how much we censor.

Eg school have an Amazon wish list. I am well paid, as is DH. I spent £100ish on supplies (DS1 adores school) and it relieves my guilt that I can’t go in and help (most of the other mums do). Other people we saying that we should band together to buy one or two books. It would have been very crass of me to get involved in the conversation.

I am in a NCT group who are a bunch of want to be ... I am from a working class back ground ... however I studied hard and have a very comfortable lifestyle where I do not worry about money as I have my own. Joining the NCT group was probably the only mistake I made through my pregnancy. I feel judged by these women.

I am just going to classes which I think will benefit my baby and myself .. I have made one friend through a class and I am happy with that, as we are on the same page with many things. I would rather have one friend then hang around with a group of women who make me feel on edge.

Be yourself and the rest will follow

I see it all the time in the school playground. All the well off professional mothers do indeed flock together and yes, I judge them for that.

Just be yourself. Otherwise friendships built on trying to pretend to be anyone else won’t last as you won’t be able to keep up the pretence. Be yourself and kind decent people will like you or not for who you are. Anyone who dismisses you for your accent or job (if it comes up naturally in discussion) isn’t worth your time anyway tbh!

I’m curious about this topic now you mention it as I’m not sure how people perceive me class-wise and I’m about to enter the world of mum groups with my first due soon. I was born and raised as WC as they come (council estate, parents without any education beyond school, had a rough start to life and have done plenty of years in very poorly paid low status jobs etc) but now live a pretty MC lifestyle I guess. Went to uni, qualified in a profession, marrying (this week!) a doctor, homeowners in a well to do area, decent income etc. So based on my accent and majority of my life so far I’m WC but the way my life is currently I can imagine being judged for considering myself WC. Which I do.

So, like my advice to you, I’m just gonna be myself. You’ll gel with some and not with others. I wouldn’t judge someone negatively for perceiving them to be a different class to me, so I’m not fussed about trying to befriend people who’d do that to me.

Congratulations on the forthcoming wedding! I think you can be friends with anyone to a point but there does come a moment when conversation is linked to cash or lack of. I realised this when talking about bargains I'd got to someone for whom a bargain wasn't even a thing because they can afford whatever they want. I felt very small then and put in my place as a poor person

Well, just treat baby groups as your opportunity for a safari among the Not Quite Our Class, Dear.

Are you mixing up friends and acquaintances op? I think it's good to have a "filter" until you get to know people well.

I would have said you were over thinking however a recent meet up with some mums from preschool changed my mind! I am from a working class northern background but now living in the south, professional and affluent. I am however still coarse and a bit sweary - I don’t think I was to their tastes 😂.

All you can do is be yourself - you can’t make people like you or control other people’s judgement. Don’t make assumptions about others and hope they don’t about you

YADNBU- I can empathise. I grew up WC but am now a professional with a title. Like pps have said above- I feel I don't fit in with the people who I grew up with because they see me as privileged and I don't fully fit in with professional friends/colleagues because they grew up differently to me. Add to the fact that I belong to a BME background and that's another thing I have to contend with! I'm lucky I have a handful of fantastic friends who I absolutely adore and cherish but the mum group friends are a different kettle of fish altogether. I, too, found the NCT mums not to be what I was expecting- I thought I'd come across 'normal' people who were real and we'd be able to share our parenting experiences. What I found were wannabe mums who either had a massive superiority complex or those that were doing backflips to fit in with these mums. I didn't go back! Some of the best conversations I've had have been at the local council-run playgroups. I've found the mums so nice and genuinely kind.

I think everyone has their insecurities...I have a very MC accent and DS always hit baby milestones when he was meant to but we rent a small flat so I always feel a bit bad when I reciprocate on play dates (no massive garden for the DC to play in).

Aah see I loved my NCT group, we are fairly varied background/religion/age wise but everyone gets on well and is always willing to help each other out. I think it is complete luck!

Thanks everyone. Good to hear your views. It seems though that it’s more common for people who have working class backgrounds to find themselves amongst a group of middle class mums rather than a middle class mum finding herself amongst working class mums.

I'm not bothered what social class someone is from, although we don't have them anymore, really.
I'm just pleasant to everyone unless they're a cunt, then it doesn't make a jot what class they are.
I have rich friends and poor and all sorts of jobs and professions.

Coffee mornings and the like round my way are populated solely by the MC. If I went to something at my local CC rather than the numerous private establishments and groups that offer coffee mornings and similar baby groups, then the users would be more diverse - both class wise and in terms of ethnic background.

I went to a parenting group which was free for 12 weeks. I saw an advert in the clinic. I attended and found that most of the people there were referred as part of their SS investigation. I didn't go to it all but the things they spoke about were quite interesting. There were a few like me who had seen the advert.

Your last post doesn't make sense.

Not to sound facetious, but you've only just realised this?