DH has a 'spank bank'...

[PosySimmons]

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

*after the event

put it in your op then, don't drip feed it.

@Justaboy’s posts make him sound like some grubby lech from a 1970s sitcom 🙄

I wonder if tasteful means those pens where the clothes fall off when you tip them that they used to sell at crap holiday destinations.

He could make an effort with me to make the marriage he is in better. Instead he had a wank (or several) over a woman who was interested in him a decade ago and then carried on as before.

You've summed it up really. He doesn't respect your point of view enough to make an effort to stem your building resentment. So many men think we are just unreasonable nags because it's so much easier to believe this than make an effort. And now these pictures!

I can understand why you would be pragmatic OP and make a move only when it is sensible to do so.

put it in your op then, don't drip feed it

Agreed. In your OP you “weren’t inclined”

No this isn't just something men 'do' this would be the end for me! Sorry op

Delete the photos!

@SandyGusset lol!

Replace the photos with pics of naked blokes with massive, huge, gigantic cocks.

Sounds like a complete tosser to me....

I'm really sorry, OP. You sound very down about it as well you might.

I think your thread though is stirring up some proprietorial feelings for some posters as well, I did a double-take at the 'woman to woman' solidarity (as a reason to delete the photos). Is it fuck anything to do with that, there's no such thing from what I can see.

Don't be pressurised to act in any way that you're told to do if it doesn't accord with you OP. This is your life, not a peep show for randoms to castigate you when you don't move quickly enough for their liking. What you want to do, in your own time, at your own pace.

I'd be looking at all the pictures just incase, they could be new pictures even. I'd also be looking at the details of the pictures to find out what dates they were uploaded. I personally would need to see everything and know everything I could and not hide from it.
Then I'd be waiting at dining table with laptop open to all the pictures and his bag packed and confront him and tell him to eff off. When he starts saying oh no they are old pictures I totally forgot they were in there....just say no I've found the dates of when pics were uploaded and date folder was made. Total piss take and he has zero respect for you op. This has nothing to do with how men and women are supposedly different this is just disgusting and I'd be confronting straight away! How dare he

I have photos of my exes, DH has photos of his exes. Do you know what we don't have? Naked photos of our exes.

I normally try not to judge, but have to. That's gross!

I'm as laid back as they come but no, this is not ok! And it's not the same as love letters ffs. I wonder how the ex girlfriend would feel if she knew he was wanking over her pictures

I just unearthed a box of Lego play people when I was tidying the loft earlier. Maybe recreate and then replace the pics using the good folk of Legoland in "colourful" poses?

To me this is just grim. I'm not ok with porn either but this is a different league. This is also one of those things where I'm just a bit aghast at some men. I can't imagine EVER wanting to see an image of any of my exes naked ever again. Some of them were bad enough at the time. I'd actively go out of my way to avoid seeing a photographic reminder Is this really a man thing? It's fucking shit if it is.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe what on earth are you going on about? Of course there is such thing as woman to woman solidarity. How would you just ignore the face that some poor woman has naked photos of herself being wanked over in your home and she has no idea?

You find all sorts on here

Derbee, I would have thought it obvious really. The rights and wrongs of the ex being wanked over isn't really the main thrust, is it? It's mostly that women are territorial over 'their men' and don't want them looking at other women full stop.

I agree that there are all sorts in here... none that I've found in real life either.

For me, it’s the main issue. Wanking is fine. Wanking over photos that you shouldn’t have is voyeuristic and predatory.

Yanbu but men do often have photos but of an ex seems odd, he's been rearranging photos but doesn't mean it's new of course. I am interested to see if my stbexh offers to delete pictures of me???

Horses for courses. Some women (on this thread) don't mind porn, some do. I find some of the salacious comments that evidently partnered women make about celebs to be really distasteful. They obviously don't.

I don't think that OP's husband should have kept these photos, no, it's hurting her. No point speculating about the ex and whether she would have consented or not. She did consent to the photos for this man's gaze - it is he who needs to take action to make his wife feel ok.

People keep letting their dislike of things affect their perception of entitlement to judge.

Photo's of his ex? Wow, that requires serious discussion. As others have said, this is not like viewing porn, this is a real person that he had a real relationship with. I also wonder how would she feel if she knew that he had these still and still "used" them?

But he’s not taking action, he has kept intimate photos of someone that he shouldn’t have. The OP said to would make her skin crawl to think of an ex still having photos of her. Therefore I said I would have deleted them, for the sake of that poor woman. Then address your relationship problems etc. But I would never stand by and be an accessory to a voyeuristic pervert.

Your opinion on people feeling an ‘entitlement to judge’ is bizarre also. The OP has posted on AIBU, meaning she WANTS judgments and opinions, to consider amongst her own.

I think your way of thinking is so far removed from mine that we should agree to disagree.

Porn/masturbating - I don’t care.
Nudes of ex - almighty hell.

A question of legality.
If someone sends 'you' a photo of themelves inappropriately dressed, think lingerie or evel a little less' and it was largely unolicited, who iscommitting an offense? If so, what would the 'law' actually do about it?
Both parties are well over the age of consent, in fact over 40.