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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has a 'spank bank'...

205 replies

PosySimmons · 17/09/2019 10:25

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

OP posts:
ButterflyOne1 · 17/09/2019 12:20

I find it interesting OP that you simply don't care, you just don't want to deal with the grief. you deserve better than this.

It sounds like you're very strong but you need to decide whether you want more from life. if you do, then confront your DH and explain this is completely unacceptable. See what his reaction is like to gauge whether your marriage is worth saving.

People throw away relationships far too easily these days so please try not to give up. If you both genuinely want your marriage to work, then it can improve but you both need to want it.

What your DH has done is unacceptable. Had it been porn, I'd say it's perfectly natural and heathy but it's the fact that he was emotionally involved with this girl before, that's the issue.

Best of luck.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/09/2019 12:24

Is it not a bit rich to say that men can have naked photos but women can't have love letters, bungle?

Also downright sexist to presume that women would want love letters; I'd take naked photos over a love letter any day but I'd delete them at the end of a relationship like anyone else decent would, male or female. You get rid of them when the relationship ends.

motherheroic · 17/09/2019 12:31

Thought it was going to be a mental one, but a physical one full of old pictures is scummy. Not only because they're no longer together but because the women would more than likely want them deleted.

NaviSprite · 17/09/2019 12:31

Yeah this would be a potential dealbreaker for me too, sorry OP :(

I don’t need to reiterate what PP have said but I will suggest you talk to him. I get a sense of disconnect from your post where you’re disappointed (as you said) but maybe don’t know if it’s worth getting into a potential argument over? I could be wrong but unless you address this with him it will be in your mind forever more and he’ll just keep thinking he can get away with his horribly disrespectful behaviour.

I wish you strength.

99problemsandjust1appt · 17/09/2019 12:31

Delete them all

MysweetAudrina · 17/09/2019 12:31

What's the difference between your dh having a wank over your sister or friend but with no picture and him having a wank over an ex with a picture. Surely no one knows what their partners imagine when they wank it could be anyone they know and I am assuming that's ok. Why does the picture that I assume she posed for make it such a deal breaker. I would prefer my dh to be wanking over an ex than someone who has been trafficked or coerced.

GVROM · 17/09/2019 12:34

I'd see this as a dealbreaker too. I had an ex who did something similar, but would regularly add photos pulled from his colleagues' Facebook to the folder. I found it when I saw a folder titled 'bank' in the recently opened section of his laptop when I went to retrieve my ESTA that I'd sent to him to print off. I couldn't mentally get past it.

EdWinchester · 17/09/2019 12:44

Ewww. What a sleazy perv.

I'd be throwing him out.

Derbee · 17/09/2019 12:45

Even if you’ve been trusted with naked photos whilst in a relationship, it’s disgusting and wrong to keep them after you’ve broken up.

I think the disrespect to you, and the voyeuristic aspect to his ex would be a deal breaker for me. I would be absolutely furious.

For the record, I’ve thrown away old love letters. It felt like too much of an infringement of privacy for someone’s letters that they wrote at an intimate time, to be hanging around for others to find.

NaviSprite · 17/09/2019 12:45

@mysweetaudrina did you RTFT? About the complete lack of attempts to improve the sex life between him and the OP? That he’s said he’s no longer attracted to her? Add to that the absolute emotional betrayal of him then looking at pictures from a previous relationship that the ex may not even want him to have anymore - but he’s not gotten rid of and yet another example of a man thinking that it’s perfectly reasonable to keep such pictures after the relationship ended and that’s why it’s a deal breaker.

Whether you add the element of porn into the conversation or not, it’s extremely hurtful to experience such disappointment in somebody you have made a commitment to. If you’d genuinely be okay that somebody who you have been in a committed relationship with, have brought children into the world with and have trusted, to then wank off over an ex because he thinks he’s not getting sex enough at home - then kudos to you. But most folks in the real world wouldn’t be pleased at all with it...

ShouldBeCookingDinner · 17/09/2019 12:45

Is couple counselling an option? I wouldn't show him your anger, he is doing this because he feels that you are pushing him away. He has told you what he needs, he probably doesn't want to put more pressure on you but he is missing your intimacy together more than you realise...I would take this as a wake up call that you need to address this to save your marriage before it slides too far. Loss of intimacy can be death to a marriage.

Derbee · 17/09/2019 12:46

I would also delete the photos of the ex, as a woman to woman loyalty, and tell him that I had done it, and why

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 17/09/2019 12:47

It's the fact that he's making no effort to respond to your attempts to discuss your feelings of being undesirable but at the same time expecting sex the same way he expects the dishes to get done that's the real dealbreaker, imo. I'd be bloody furious about that.

CurryGoat · 17/09/2019 13:18

If your DH is spending his time 'enjoying' photos of his naked ex instead trying to find a way to improve the levels of intimacy between you two, then in a way he is cheating.

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 17/09/2019 13:24

Naked photos of his ex?
Sorry but that relationship would be absolutely over for me! No chance would he get away with that shit! What a prick!

MyNameIsIrrelevant · 17/09/2019 13:28

And I'm pretty sure the girls wouldn't want him to have those photos any more even if YOU don't care... Hmm

Kaddm · 17/09/2019 13:29

I'd have looked at the photos. Some of them might be of you.
Hard to analyse exactly what's going on if you don't actually know who is in all the photos.

verticality · 17/09/2019 13:31

Ugh, ugh, ugh. That's bang out of order.

I would show him this thread. After you've got rid of any pictures he has of you nekkid.

spanglydangly · 17/09/2019 13:32

Grim as fuck, even more grim if the ex had requested that he deleted them and he hadn't.....

Game over for me.

spanglydangly · 17/09/2019 13:36

s couple counselling an option? I wouldn't show him your anger, he is doing this because he feels that you are pushing him away. He has told you what he needs, he probably doesn't want to put more pressure on you but he is missing your intimacy together more than you realise...I would take this as a wake up call that you need to address this to save your marriage before it slides too far. Loss of intimacy can be death to a marriage.

are you having a fucking laugh?? He shouldn't even have kept those intimate photos! Do you think he's entitled to keep and use his ex's intimate photos of wank fodder, then blame his current partner because he just had to use them because she's so unfair having had surgery etc.

He'd be better if spending his energy helping round the house rather than wanking over his ex. His current partner may have more time for him then.

Jeeez some people have such low standards

GabsAlot · 17/09/2019 13:41

Yabu in not leaving-what a creep

CoinOperatedBoy · 17/09/2019 13:49

I too was going to be like "It's just meaningless wank material"...

But it's his effing ex! there's loads of feelings and memories attached to that. Loads.

I'll bet she'd have a lot to say about it (and any partner she has now too!) Does he have permission to own and use her private picture like that now ? Because that's potentially something he could use to cause a lot of damage with, so I'm guessing she requested he delete it.

It's perverted and wrong and he needs confronting. YADNBU.

MrsExpo · 17/09/2019 13:50

OP, are you sure they're old pictures? (Sorry to have to ask...). I'd be having a very strongly worded talk with this guy. Utterly grim .........

CoinOperatedBoy · 17/09/2019 13:53

I would also delete the photos of the ex, as a woman to woman loyalty, and tell him that I had done it, and why

Yeah I'd do this ASAP and hope he doesn't have them backed up anywhere Confused

This is one reason I have never done naked photos/videos for anyone, so not worth the risk.

FabLaura · 17/09/2019 13:54

This makes me feel sick. I really feel for you OP - what an image to see. Ok I would think about what points I wanted to make and then approach him on a Friday night or Saturday so he couldn't weasel off to work. Would it be a deal breaker .... honestly no for me but it would effect me long term.

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