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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has a 'spank bank'...

205 replies

PosySimmons · 17/09/2019 10:25

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 17/09/2019 10:45

If it were stills of his favourite actors or something I wouldn't mind. but people he's known?

Nope.

SandyGusset · 17/09/2019 10:46

Delete them. Replace them with photos of farm animals.

Okurrrrrrrr · 17/09/2019 10:46

Ewwwwwww. I thought from the title you meant just a folder of porn he likes. This is completely different. It's a betrayal of you and her and it's grim. I would be getting myself back to that laptop and seeing what else is there, and challenging him/going nuclear.
I'm sorry OP. Flowers

Shakennotshook · 17/09/2019 10:47

I'd check the file history (right click then properties) to ensure they are old. I'd not be happy.

Wherearemycrayons · 17/09/2019 10:48

As PP have said, porn perhaps but pictures of an ex would be a dealbreaker for me

Senseofself1 · 17/09/2019 10:48

UANBU - This is not nice. I imagine his ex would be disgusted too.

MadeForThis · 17/09/2019 10:49

He has an emotional attachment to the ex. Totally different to porn.

Shmithecat2 · 17/09/2019 10:49

AlphaBravoCharlieDelta
*Porn - fine (not my bag but whatever)

Ex - grim as fuck, total betrayal of your relationship.*

This. Would be game over for me.

Jellybeansincognito · 17/09/2019 10:49

Oh I’m so sorry op, I’d absolutely hate this.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

FookMeFookYou · 17/09/2019 10:53

Christ, what an asshole. I wouldn't have this OP. How ppl manage to justify shit like this is beyond me - he hasn't considers your feelings at all.

AmIThough · 17/09/2019 10:53

He's grim as fuck...

womenspeakout · 17/09/2019 10:53

Oh this is awful, that he's looking at pics of his ex is disrespectful to you and her. I'm really sorry you had to find them like that, you must've felt sick to your stomach.

I was wondering though, how many men secretly keep the photos like this of an ex? I'm thinking it's more than we'd like to believe.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 17/09/2019 10:55

Celebrity crushes, or porn, wouldn't bother me so much.

I would find it so very disrespectful of him towards his ex and you. I would hate, absolutely HATE an ex to keep naked photos of me, especially if he were to wank over them. He's also not keeping them securely; as you say it's highly unlikely she consented to his future girlfriends having access to them. Not to mention how utterly disrespectful it is towards you, AND this is how you can expect him to think of and CD treat you, should you split up for any of reason.

Nice.

Usernamewillautodestrustin · 17/09/2019 10:57

My DH had a 'work folder'....however it was not of anyone he knew and even though I thought it was a bit grim I was not overly bothered. I did tell him I found it and he sheepishly smiled...now reading this thread I so wish I had replaced the photos with something else and waited for him to open them...

Had it been an ex girlfriend I would not have been so forgiving, in fact I think I would have been very very hurt that he would have pictures of her like that in the first place.

vanillaicedtea · 17/09/2019 10:57

Grim.

You definitely need to raise this. It's nothing like porn and I guarantee he'd feel like shit if you had a folder full of your exes. If his attitude is anything other than I'm an idiot, I'm so sorry, I realise how fucked up it is, I'll delete them right now and you can check my laptop for photos, I'll never do something as gross again... I'd be tempted to go on a break. If he actually starts protesting about keeping them then, as well as dropping him I'd remind him that revenge porn is a thing and I'm sure his exes no longer consent to him having those photos, never mind looking at them and potentially sharing them.

I don't care about porn at all but I'd be utterly repulsed by this. I know you don't want to check the photos, but please do. You need to rule out any of them being sent recently, because otherwise, I think the photos will be the least of your worries.

GingersAreLush · 17/09/2019 10:57

I think he’s out of order keeping nude pictures of his ex girlfriend as it’s creepy and seems unfair on her as well as you. Him having a wank over nude pictures of some random woman wouldn’t bother me (depending what the pictures were of!).

Also I’m totally with you on he should be making more effort to reignite his sex life with you as the effort he’s making sounds minimal.

MutedUser · 17/09/2019 11:04

I’m sorry OP he doesn’t respect them and he doesn’t respect you. I would pack my things and go. It made me feel sick reading your post .

Drabarni · 17/09/2019 11:06

They should have gone when he met you. No it isn't what most men do.
I wonder how she would feel if only she knew.
What a sleaze, ew.

Mitebiteatnite · 17/09/2019 11:06

Deal breaker for me too. Then again, so is porn. In a healthy, fulfilling relationship both parties should be able to meet all their sexual needs without resorting to watching exploitative videos of other women/men.

Naked pics of me, fine, if I've sent them to him. If they were pics taken without my consent, that's a whole different issue. But photos of an ex-girlfriend or a random woman, really really not OK.

I'd delete the lot of them and replace them with pictures of myself in identical poses, and wait for him to mention it. Or farm animals, that would work too.

dollydaydream114 · 17/09/2019 11:07

Agree with PPs - I wouldn't mind if my DP kept generic porn on his laptop, but naked photos of his ex that he's curated into a folder? I'd be absolutely furious. It's completely different when it's someone he actually knows.

It's horrible and disrespectful to you and her, frankly. He shouldn't even have kept the pictures after they split up, let alone, er, 'used' them.

I'm not saying it's not something you can get over as a couple, but you absolutely need to speak to him and he has a lot of apologising to do. I'm not surprised you feel angry and hurt; I'd feel the same Flowers

OneHanded · 17/09/2019 11:08

I’d be approaching him to explain that you’d found it by chance and that you’re uncomfortable with it (which is more than reasonable tbh).

MutedUser · 17/09/2019 11:10

I agree you should delete them and make sure he doesn’t have any of you. That’s what I would another woman to do if they found pictures of me that my Ex would keeping,.

MutedUser · 17/09/2019 11:10

*was keeping

StormcloakNord · 17/09/2019 11:13

I'm with PP.

Porn/images of glamour models etc is a different story - not my thing but a pretty normal thing for men to do.

A picture of an ex he has physically slept with. He'll be tugging away while thinking of sleeping with her - that in my mind is a total betrayal and I'm pretty laid back!

This is honestly something I'd consider leaving DH for.

Toastymash · 17/09/2019 11:14

If my husband did this I would be heartbroken. It is definitely not ok to keep naked photos of your ex. You have every right to be fuming.