DH has a 'spank bank'...

[PosySimmons]

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

Well, is he pulling his weight at home or not. Do you rush around all evening whilst he snoozes on the sofa.
I would first tacKyle this as you say you don't want to dtd due to tiredness.
Once he is contributing and you are happier try to improve the sex life. If you still don't want sex with him try GP/ counselling/ ltb?

Well got a folder with some tastfull pics of some ladies and if you think thats well gross, then sorry bit i bet most all men have one somewhere.

Only one ex pic on a forign beach and she was a fine looking lady:) but no woman around at present so suppose it dosent matter.

And its bloody well hidden in that cloud place!.

It does matter JustaBoy, I doubt your ex would consent to you still having that photo of her on file for your pleasure. It's her photo, you should delete it.

Having a folder of porn actresses? That's fine, whatever. But keeping nude photos of women you're no longer in a relationship with is nasty and disrespectful to the ex.

I would be printing them off, hanging them all around the house and taking the kids off on a break. If this was my dp he wouldn't have any bits left to dtd with. Hand holding here

It's it definitely his ex and not a collection of random women off the internet?

If it is of his ex's I'm not that surprised that some men have this. It's probably much more common than you think, feed their own ego etc etc. I've heard plenty of men boast about their "collection", but bare in mind I'm in my 20s and I'm talking about young bachelor type guys. I would hope if they were to ever get married they'd bin the nudes, but again, not that surprised if they don't.

I don't think it would be a dealbreaker for me but I'd be having words and asking him to delete them. I'm not an idiot though, I'm sure he'd probably back them up somewhere before doing so.

This is precisely why I never send nudes to anyone. Even if you're in a long-term committed relationship you never know what's going to happen and you won't have any control over what happens to the pics if things were to end.

My ex did this but he was too much of a sadsack to have any such images so he instead saved holidays snaps of his and my facebook friends. Blergh.

The one picture I looked at was definitely old. I know who it's of, although I don't know her personally if you see what I mean. It was a shortish romance years ago while he was travelling.

That said, I didn't look at all the pictures. And as I've said before, that's not really the point.

"Wife doesn't want to put out any more? Nags you to do stuff around the house? No problem! Ignore her, wank yourself silly over women who dated you 10 years ago then put your feel up."

Doesn't sound like the most considerate bit of marriage advice does it.

I'm trying to see it from different points of view - for example, maybe it's that time in his life he was escaping to, all sun and long days free of any responsibilities, being young and hot and 'single'. Woohoo! Who doesn't remember those times fondly occasionally.

But whatever POV I try to see I always come back to this: He could make an effort with me to make the marriage he is in better. Instead he had a wank (or several) over a woman who was interested in him a decade ago and then carried on as before.

Again, that's some fucking LAZY thinking, and frankly a bit pathetic.

Damntheman Well she knows its there as the rest or that "roll" are on Instagram!, that was the only topless one! as to the others no they wernt off a Porn site in fact they were done when i was a member of a camera club many years ago now some were the ladies that were being drawn as part of a life painting class.

@Justaboy 🤮 you sound creepy

*Well got a folder with some tastfull pics of some ladies and if you think thats well gross, then sorry bit i bet most all men have one somewhere.

Only one ex pic on a forign beach and she was a fine looking lady:) but no woman around at present so suppose it dosent matter.

And its bloody well hidden in that cloud place!.*

🤢 grim! Of course they're "tasteful".

Have horrible feeling Justaboy may in fact be my ex...

And also nobody cares.

OP, even in the best case scenario indulging in a those were the days eh moment while refusing to make an effort with your wife because, like, adulting is hard is juvenile and a bit pathetic. Does he think looking at the woman he was shagging a decade ago is going to make him any younger? Because if so I have some bad news for him. The question is if you're inclined to wait around for him to grow up or if you'd be happier losing 150-200 or so pounds of manchild. Sounds like he's doing nothing to help with either house or kids so no difference there. Do you still love him or are you still there for other reasons (security, money worries, etc)?

About Justaboy and his sad little folder of creepshots, I mean. Obviously everyone cares about the OP.

Also lol at the idea that the cloud is a safe place to store photos. I thought young'uns were meant to be good with tech?

@TheProdigalKittensReturn I think @Justaboy is far from a "boy" or youngun, my bet is he's an older past it saddo looking at his tasteful creepshots

"He could make an effort with me to make the marriage he is in better"

Or you could make an effort with him. It's a two-way street.

"Tasteful" in this context is one of those words like "moist" that just makes your skin crawl.

Do the outraged think that people have their brains wiped when a relationship ends? Are you saying saying that you never thought of an ex whilst with someone new? Never remembered some good times when on your own? Picture or no picture - what is the difference there?

Perhaps it is not nice, but I do think it is quite human.

Rollercoaster there's a big difference between occasionally remembering your ex fondly in passing, to deliberately setting up a folder of explicit images as wank fodder.

Can you not see that?

I might have been inclined to double delete them (out of the trash can as well) and see if he raised it with me.

Memories can't be deleted. Photos can, and should be if you suspect the subject wouldn't want you to keep them.

Seeing the comments from the (some?) men on this thread, Im wondering if men have an issue with total lack of imagination. If I need to get off on my own, imagination is usually plenty. Why on earth do they need an explicit photo? Can they conjured it in their own mind all on their own?

Hont1986 Nope, soz, that's not washing with me.

I've made an effort for years. I've talked about it in therapy. I've tried to talk about it with him. I've booked nights out and babysitters and been tactile and attentive. I get the same short shrift followed by "why don't we have much sex anymore?".

I spend quite a bit of time thinking about what my marriage and my husband need. He's spent some significant time reorganising his ex gfs for efficient wank access.

So, politely, do not tell me this is on me.

@Rollercoaster1920 I agree with memories but I think retaining intimate photos are the event is unacceptable. Is the ex aware of what he's doing with her photo?

I let an ex take photos of me a million years ago.
It was a film camera, I can't remember how he got them developed. Maybe he took them to Boots
No idea what he did with them, of course I regret it now, but I consented at the time.
DH has never asked to take photos of me, so I'm pretty sure he doesn't have any of exes, but I did rip up the (non-sexual, fully clothed) photos of his ex when we first met