DH has a 'spank bank'...

[PosySimmons]

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

OP, it's really sad that you feel that way.
Don't settle for a life of marking time till your DC is older.
Work out what you're going to do, whether it's staying or going.
Check the other photos and their dates. Speak to DH, and take it from there.
And don't accept any crap about his 'needs'. You're not a sex doll.

Posy
Just read your latest post. Yes, it is very sad that you don’t realky care, but frankly, given how he behaves in general, I’m really not surprised.

He’s not listening to you st all is he? That’s far more damaging than this.

What can you do to speed up the process of being financially solid enough to leave (don’t forget to check out what benefits you’d be entitled to).

Counselling is pointless- you can’t talk someone into being a decent human being who cares!

I know this isn’t how you pictured your life with your DC but we have to deal with what we have, not what we thought we would have 🌷

Bungle - men like you are why women should never let men take photos of us naked. Because you think it's perfectly fine to spaff over them years later. It's not. You and your friends - and the OP's husband - are revolting misogynistic creeps.

There are no naked photos of me anywhere that I know of because of this.

I just presume men do keep them and look at them. If they didn't, the porn industry would be non existent.

Men look at naked photos of women every day, of course they are going to look at the ones they have also slept with. I don't think it makes it right, I find it sickening, but I still think it's quite common.

Your husband is a dirty old creep.

Don’t settle for being treated this way. Life is too short.

This would be a deal breaker for me. If I could see that the file hadn’t been accessed for years then I would still be pissed off that he had it but would just make him delete it. If I could see that it was viewed recently then I would hit the roof and end things. naked pics of ex’s should be deleted when that relationship ends.

This would be a deal breaker for me. It’s so disrespectful

I would delete them all. Then replace with a large photo of a sausage and a pair of scissors

I wouldnt be with my dh if he did that. Its gross how creepy of him to do that

OP do you mean you're just going to carry on as you are with him and not bring it up because you cant be bothered with the upheaval? Thats a real shame for both you and DC - what are you waiting for?? It may be upheaval but only for your own benefit. Have some self respect - be strong!

I’d delete all the images and replace them with ones like this images.app.goo.gl/dJo9gEmuVi26VhjJA

He has an emotional attachment to the ex. Totally different to porn.

He apparently has a sexual attachment to the ex's naked body. Exactly the same as porn. An explicit image of a naked woman, whether he knows her or not, is porn.

It's not that women shouldn't be upset over the emotional connection, I'm just baffled by why that is the only thing that upsets some posters on here. Generally wanking over other naked women, likely trafficked or coerced, is fine, as long as the chap doesn't know her in person?

And anyone who thinks the average bloke deletes naked pics of exes is naive.

Sorry you're having to deal with this OP. When it comes to their desire to view naked women, so very many men can be so very... disappointing.

Can I ask,when he was with this woman,why did they split up? Who left who,etc? Not that it’s really important but if she got rid of him maybe he’s still in love with her or something. Still very creepy though. You can do much better x

Is this just something men do?

No. I cannot imagine my current boyfriend doing anything remotely like this. Nothing should be put down to "just something men do". It's just an excuse to be a lazy arse usually.

However, I have an ex who was very visual and who liked taking photographs. He took quite a few of me, some of which I still have. Those of us together I've deleted because it feels disrespectful to my current partner to keep them. The ones of just me I've kept. He may still have them. I don't care if he does have them or not and what he does with them. They were taken fully consensually and I would far rather he had those than pornographic images of someone who was exploited. Going against the grain of this thread I know, but I hate porn and that would be a deal breaker for me. Photos of ex girlfriends taken with her knowledge and consent? Whatever, don't care.

However, it bothers you OP and this is entirely your call. Plus as you say he's generally disrespectful and he has accessed these images recently. Time for a serious talk.

That's fucking gross. That's not random porn - he's wanking over his exes.

Fucks sake what a creep. I wouldn't be happy with porn either to be honest, I don't accept it as 'something all men do so it's OK'. Like the OP said, who knows what exploitation and violation lies behind that image or video.

And the comparison to keeping old love letters is just insulting. Every time he accesses those photos he is violating the body and trust of his ex. I don't recall any old love letters ever doing that...? You really need to raise your standards of how you view women and privacy.

You sound so sad and resigned OP. I hope you can move forward in a way that makes you happy.

Even if you decide not to confront him you should delete all the photos just because those women may not be OK with him keeping and still "using" them, as it were. What if he's also sharing them with other men, or does so in the future? Sounds like your heart is already half way out the door and I don't blame you, but getting rid of the photos so they can't be misused any further would be a nice little gesture of solidarity to the other women who'd probably hate the fact that some bloke they broke up with years ago still has nudes of them neatly organized into his "If I shagged you once you're mine forever to use as I see fit" folder. I'd certainly hope that if any other women ever found a photo of me under those circumstances she'd do me a favor and delete it (from the hard drive completely, don't leave a copy in the trash folder where he can still retrieve it).

I do have (very hard won) self respect. I'm just biding my time.

These things have a habit of working their way to the front. And when they do I want to be in the best position to give my DC the best life I can. I've been a stay at home mum for a while with very little disposable income. I'm very dependent on 'D'H at the moment.

That is going to change.

OP I would be heartbroken, raging and disgusted.

1. He should never have kept these images, it's disrespectful to her, and to you and your marriage.

1. He has clealry been looking at them recently, dealbreaker for me. They were not in some old forgotten folder.

1. Back to the respect thing, he has none for you, or certainly not enough that I'd want to stay married to him.

You deserve better.

@Bunglefromrainbow no no, no, no, no! Your comparison is not the same at all. Be real, how would you feel if your partner had photos of their ex boyfriends well hung junk on file? Would you be ok with that? Let's add your partners photo collection with lack of sex in the relationship, how do feel now?

Comparing love letters to naked photos??? Come on!

Urgh. It's hard to know for sure but I'm pretty certain this would be a deal breaker for me.

How are love letters remotely comparable?
(I don't have any for the record)
I also find it interesting you wouldn't be comfortable with them though (why?) but also say that explicit ex photos is common and amazed people aren't ok with that... contradiction there?
Love letters are just words, I'm presuming people don't sit and get themselves off over them like photos would tend to do more!

When DH and I first got together he was sorting through his laptop to sell it and found some explicit photos of ex which he then deleted.

In other words, he'd kept a bunch of explicit photos of his ex the entire time and only got rid of them (assuming he didn't still have the originals on his camera/phone) when he was selling the laptop.

The porn stars know what their pics are being used for etc.

Er, I think anyone allowing their partner to take explicit photos of them also has an inkling what the pics are being used for!

Unreasonable for a woman - keeping old letters (something people have been doing for as long as letters have been a thing, if the person later becomes famous we refer to these as primary sources).

Totes reasonable for a man - keeping naked photos of women you shagged years ago because who cares if they want you to, amirite lads?

That's disgusting and you need to talk asap.
Why is it even on his laptop ?.
Sounds v iffy.