DH has a 'spank bank'...

[PosySimmons]

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

I would delete them. I would then do a thorough search.

Not sure I could be with a man who did this.

I couldn’t get past this, I’m afraid. Not an ex and not when he’s looked recently and still not deleted them. Just so so inappropriate for a married man. It would be a deal breaker for me. I think you seem a lot calmer and more understanding (you’re trying to work out if it’s unreasonable for starters) than he deserves. Does he have feelings for her?

Delete and replace with cute Kitten memes!

Or a load of stock images of people with raised eyebrows.

But I am childish. Seriously though OP, his actions are shit. You need to tell him you've found them, that it's a massive hurt and betrayal to you and ask him to double delete them. If he is apologetic and actions that straight away in front of you, then maybe he can be forgiven in time. If he minimises, blames you, excuses his actions, gets defensive, refuses to delete them and bounces, then you have some serious thinking and planning to do.

I don’t think you should delete them as they are not yours however, you need a conversation as this is beyond weird. I remember reading that men think of friends, secretary’s and ex’s when having sex but, having photos still of an ex is hugely disrespectful of your relationship

bounces? interesting! I typed flounces.

Urgh.

Thanks all. This is grim.

What's worrying me most tbh is that I don't think I really care. I'm not livid, or upset. I'm disappointed, a bit hacked off and just can't be arsed to deal with the fall out. That doesn't say much for my marriage does it.

Since we had DC I've gone through stages of feeling hurt that he didn't seem to find me sexy anymore, sad that we didn't have the intimacy we used to, eager to try and rekindle it and then hurt all over again etc. I tried to talk about that but he was never keen to address it properly. I've gone through periods of patiently trying to explain what he could do to make me feel more appreciated/desired. No change.

"More sex please" just sounds like he wants to resume a service, not to actually think about my feelings.

Now I think I'm actually at the point where I think "Fuck it. I'm awesome as I am and if that's lost on you or all you want is to get your end away, I don't care how you do it but it ain't with me".

As long as DC and I can tick along fine until we can be more independent or things come out in the wash, I'm not sure I have the energy for any upheaval.

It's a bit of a sad state of affairs but at least I know where I am.

Ugh yes, that is properly grim. I'm pretty relaxed about stuff and I know dh watches porn on occasion but this just feels so much worse. It's so disrespectful to both of you. I don't know if I could get past something like this. I'm sorry OP, it must feel utterly shit

When will they ever learn that if they do fuck all they will get fuck all.
For a start I'd have deleted the lot off the computer and then I would have been having a very serious word with him about that and also pulling his weight.
Why can't he do more? Has he got RSI from wanking?

You should have checked there were non of you taken without your knowledge. He obviously has no scruples..

Not cool in the slightest. I would be extremely angry and upset.

Sounds like he is being a shit in other areas as well though. Why is he not picking up half of the work in the home?

This is horrible. Im feel so bad for you. Make sure he has no pics of you and then have it out with him. This is not normal behaviour. Its not porn. Its private pics of people he used to be with. Spanking the monkey to pics or vids of porn is a fantasy. The likelihood of him ever meeting one of them is virtuous zero. The thoughts and feelings he has during the act are not real. The porn stars know what their pics are being used for etc. However what hes doing crosses a whole other boundary. He knows these women intimately. His fantasies could at one time have been very real. Im sure the people involved thought their pics would be deleted along with the breakdown of the relationship.

Did you know he was so disrespectful and to be frank quite underhanded and sleezy?
Maybe you should be questioning if you really know this guy. What else could he be hiding from you?

I'm a man and am amazed at all of these responses and just how strong the sentiment is that this is wrong and disrespectful.

Personally, I don't have a folder of my Ex's naked pictures or whatever but I am aware that this is FAR from uncommon. I am as certain as I can be that some of the posters saying that this would be a deal breaker will definitely have a husband who has this kind of folder on his phone/computer. Certainly if they've been together less than 5 years or so.

I would say that the equivalent thing for a woman to keep would be old love letters rather than old pictures of Ex's. And I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

I’d definitely be looking at the other photos to see who they’re of and their original dates.

I’d definitely be upset that he was wanking off thinking about her. We’d be having a ‘discussion’ about my thoughts on that.
Depending on what he said, it might/might not be a deal breaker. IF any of them were recent he would be out quicker than flash lightning!

If I was the Ex though it wouldn’t bother me if he’d kept them and ‘used’ them as long as he didn’t put them online or share them around friends 🤷🏻‍♀️

Grim.
Most decent people delete explicit photos of their exes when the relationship breaks up anyway - as a matter of courtesy and decency. There is no reason to hang on to them unless for illicit purposes.

When will they ever learn that if they do fuck all they will get fuck all

Exactly, this always amazes me that seemingly intelligent men do nothing about the house to help a partner, practice strategic incompetence, act essentially like an overgrown child and then act surprised that their partner is feeling less than sexual towards them.

OP do whatever you need to care for yourself and DC right now, it must have been awful to find those pictures, it is just so grim

I keep a record of all sexts every sent to me in case any I ever sent are used as revenge porn. The responsible person would be uploaded to the same platform in no time.

It is insurance, nothing else. DH knows about it. Every 100 years or so, I organise my laptop and might move them around. They are password protected in my dropbox but my dropbox gets crowded, so it is just needs tidied every now and again and I might move the folder as part of that. Any chance that is all it is?

So most will have husbands who keep naked photos of ex girlfriends to wank to?
It's not at all like keeping old letters!! Nobody should have naked pictures stored , unless obviously they have had consent

Comparing naked pictures to love letters. Sod off

Is this just something men do?

Ew. No it's not.
Porn, OK, could deal with that.
Exes though?! Not a chance.

I'm fine with porn, celeb pictures or glamour models etc. But 'real people' like ex is a total no.

Your husband seems like a twat based on his reaction on your intimacy.

@Bunglefromrainbow

So you’re surprised women are surprised & upset by this and you think it’s fine, but you’d be upset/angry about keeping love letters??

🙄🙄

"I'm a man and am amazed at all of these responses and just how strong the sentiment is that this is wrong and disrespectful"

So you're happy if your ex's still kept naked photos of you and used them for wanking yeah?

Bunglefromrainbow that's an interesting perspective.

I have some old love letters. They make me giggle and remind me of how daft I was when I was 17. I don't clutch them tightly to my chest and simulate the feelings of love they capture.

But I do suspect that this is more common that people think.

I also don't know if I'd feel better if it was porn. I think consuming porn is a bit like taking cocaine (apart from the obvious illegality). Your individual act doesn't do any harm but you don't know what trail of destruction and exploitation you contribute to by partaking in it.

I'm not so bothered about him reminiscing about old flames. Or getting himself off. I think it's the fact that he says he wants more sex, and puts his energies into refiling is personal porn stash rather than making me, his WIFE and the mother of his child, feel like he still loves me, desires me and cares about my feelings.

It's LAZY.

but I am aware that this is FAR from uncommon. I am as certain as I can be that some of the posters saying that this would be a deal breaker will definitely have a husband who has this kind of folder on his phone/computer

Lot of things happen often in our society, doesn't make any of those things right or OK either. Nudes of an ex that you use for sexual gratification and love letters than may remind someone of happier times in youth are not really the same thing, unless you are wanking off over love letters, which if you are beware of paper cuts.

Bungle - men like you are why women should never let men take photos of us naked. Because you think it's perfectly fine to spaff over them years later. It's not. You and your friends - and the OP's husband - are revolting misogynistic creeps.

It's so disrespectful
He should have deleted those images when they broke up, there is absolutely no excuse for keeping them. If you're not happy op then you need some upheaval, speak to a solicitor