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Original poster

If your friend has a skill that could help you, would you expect to pay full price?

262 replies

thisusernameismine · 17/09/2019 06:45

Not sure if this has been talked about before - but in short, a friend of mine (known for many many years but see each other only annually as on opposite sides of the world) has become a life coach in the last couple of years. The friend does talk about it often when we meet and I'm very proud of how she's made a success of a new career.

I'm at the end of mat leave and feeling in a bit of a rut in terms of my career - I feel it's a dead end job and I'd love to completely change what I do for a living but have a big inner critic (this is my main issue and the kind of problem my friend specialises in). I shared this with my friend and asked her if she thought coaching me could work given we know each other so well. I fully expect to pay as it's her business, but my DH is outraged that I'm being charged full price for the exploratory session. The coaching packages are a little extortionate so I'm not sure if I could afford them anyway (mat leave pay!) but possibly could just about pay for the smallest programme.

Just interested in others' opinions as my Dh's is so different from mine. He said if a good friend of his had a skill, they would never charge him as it's only 1-3 hours I'm being offered so in his opinion, hardly damaging for her business. I'm not sure whether to go ahead now Confused

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 17/09/2019 10:40

I am self employed myself, and the number of people who ask "can you just do this" or "is there any chance you can do that" is so mad. They don't seem to understand that the couple of hours I spend doing their thing loses me money, as I can't work on other things. I'm not rich by any means.

I also have a long waiting list, so the best I can do to help them is to bump them to the top of the list, but I still can't afford to do hours of work for free.

If anything, if this thread is about the fact that friends should help friends, the friend asking for help should want to help their friend by paying them for their services.

I would always pay. It's like my partner's brother is a builder, and I always shove extra cash at him as I know he's working at a loss with the amount he charges us for work.

SD1978 · 17/09/2019 10:41

I would expect to pay full price, as I would value what my friend does/ is providing. If a discount was offered I wouldn't say no, but it would be a pleasant surprise rather than an expectation from me.

Yeahyeahyeahyeeeeah · 17/09/2019 10:41

I end up doing lots of 'mates rates' jobs. I can't quite bring myself to charge some of my best friends, I have skills that are needed and they are my friends. Once or twice though this has extended to 'vague' friends, and I've resolved never to do it again. It ends up costing me in resources and as an opportunity cost.

nowayhose · 17/09/2019 10:44

If they are a good friend I'd either expect 'mates rates' ( as I would give them) or suggest a 'swap' of trades e.g I'm great at decorating and may suggest I help decorate for them in return for the session.

I think good friends should support each other but not at a loss.

I'd only expect to pay full price if they were only an acquaintance.

dowehaveastalker · 17/09/2019 10:44

Don’t go to a friend. She won’t be able to be impartial as she is a friend and will be a waste of your time and money.

OkMaybeNot · 17/09/2019 10:45

Bet if he had a mechanic mate he'd expect to pay him to fix his car.

Gingernaut · 17/09/2019 10:47

I'd expect to pay full rate but secretly hope for mates rates

hiphopchick · 17/09/2019 10:48

@thisusernameismine No it's a cheek to expect services free - or even cut price - from a friend/acquaintance etc... As has been said, this is their livelihood.

DH has a job that people think he should do for free for them, and when he gives them his rates, they are insulted by it, and say 'never mind then.'

It's bloody cheeky, and I would never do it. Our older DC charges for their services too and we don't even expect THEM to give it to us free or cut price. They have both offered it for free, but we refuse and pay full price.

My cousin's DP is a taxi driver, and he took us to the airport last summer (30 miles,) and it was £35. He said '£15 will do. Family and all that,' Smile We said no way and handed him £40. He told my cousin he was shocked because the rest of the family, and most people he knows expect lifts for free, even though these 'lifts' are his livelihood!

Also, my friend's son is in a band, and it's shocking the amount of people who want them to perform for FREE, and say 'it's great exposure!' 'Exposure don't pay the fucking bills mate! Hmm

People saying 'it's only a few hours of her time' are CFs of the highest order! Angry

Even saying 'she should do it for a discounted price - coz mates rates and all that' are have got a bloody nerve too.

Pay your mate and stop being a tightwad. She may offer you a small discount (like 10 or 15%,) but don't ask her FGS.

As a few pps have said though, seeing a friend as a 'life coach' is not a good idea anyway.

Kazzyhoward · 17/09/2019 10:49

I also have a long waiting list, so the best I can do to help them is to bump them to the top of the list, but I still can't afford to do hours of work for free.

That's what my driving instructor friend did for my son. When I first asked him to teach my son, I made it clear I'd pay the going rate. I knew he always had a waiting list. He bumped my son up the list and did a couple of lessons outside his usual working hours - that was because we were friends - that was his favour, not losing out on hard earned income!

ferretface · 17/09/2019 10:49

If someone's skill is also their career then you are effectively expecting them to work for you for free or at a lower rate. I'm a part time silversmith, I will do mates rates but on my terms (ie I'll offer it for a piece I want to make). I don't have a lot of time and an expectation that I should spend it creating a bargain for someone is disrespectful of me. It's not the same as going round to help someone moving house or doing a bit of DIY for them because those things are not my job!

Mummyshark2018 · 17/09/2019 10:54

For this particular skills no I wouldn't pay full price (or at all). I think this skill is different from say plumbing. Imo this is what a good friend would do- listen to concerns, provide advice, help you set a goal etc. I know it's not as simplistic as that- I do work in a related field. If you want to go down the coaching route then I'd look for someone else to do it. It will blur the boundaries of your friendship.

Crazyladee · 17/09/2019 11:04

I've a friend who owns an expensive hairdressing salon. She gave me a substantial discount on highlights in return for helping her out and picking up her daughter from school ever day. When I eventually went back to work and could no longer pick her daughter up, she charged me the full price at the salon which I fully expected and agreed with. I looked at it that she's running a business and if she charged mates rates for everyone she would be out of a business!

I have another close friend who is a beautician and charges me full price for treatments. Nothing has been said about mates rates and I definately wouldn't expect it.

I really don't understand why your DH is outraged to be honest. I also echo the other posters in saying going to a friend for coaching is a bad idea.

PEkithelp · 17/09/2019 11:10

I'd expect to pay, possibly a small discount but only if I were their spouse or close sister would I expect to get it for free.

Drabarni · 17/09/2019 11:11

I'd sort my own life out tbh. But if I needed friends services I'd expect to pay the going rate, if it was a professional business, she had a good reputation, experience and was qualified.
Just starting out, reduced rate for her to gain experience.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/09/2019 11:15

It's pretty obvious you'd expect "mates rates" at least, so adding this to the point that friends aren't always the best place to get objective advice I wouldn't ask her at all ... I'd be too concerned about the effect of the money and any possible chagrin on the friendship

HollowTalk · 17/09/2019 11:16

It's the client who expects a freebie who's a bad friend, not the service provider who's trying to make a living.

Snugglepumpkin · 17/09/2019 11:19

When I was SE, I noticed that the people who often expected me to do work for them for free were people who had the sort of jobs that meant that it would never work the other way round so they would never have to give me 'mates rates' on anything.

It is the same as literally asking a SE person to give you some of their wages if you ask them do things for free.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/09/2019 11:19

Ok, so don't use her. Pay another coach or counsellor full rates instead. Everyone's happy. Right?

Ohflippineck · 17/09/2019 11:22

It’s her living. You need to pay the going rate.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 17/09/2019 11:24

I’d expect mates rates, but only for an introductory session or a short term thing. If it was going to be an ongoing thing though over many months and you were taking a full paying slot I’d probably expect full price.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/09/2019 11:24

Is it possible your DH doesn't regard life coaching as a 'real' skill, or job and that that's the basis of his position?

Do you have a skill she'd want, that you can offer in return?

Does he regularly give away three hours of his skilled time to friends who have nothing to offer that he'd want in return?

hoodathunkit · 17/09/2019 11:26

I am concerned about the OP for a number of reasons

  1. The life coach industry is unregulated and there is no protection for the public.
  1. There are many life coaches who are involved in MLMs and other grifts - google will provide evidence of this.
  1. There may be good, professional life coaches around but if they were they would never dream of providing a coaching service to a friend, in the same way that a counsellor or therapist would provide a service to a friend - this would be considered to be a "dual role" and a conflict of interests and a transgression of professional boundaries.
Gertrudesgarden · 17/09/2019 11:36

I'm self employed in a practical skill, and have (when first starting my business - no more!!) done work for friends and family members in the past for absolutely nothing, and I can tell you that I felt massively taken advantage of. In one case, a "skill swap" was offered, and that actually felt good - she did something for me that she was good at, and I did something for her that I was good at. An exchange is good, but the expectation (or even "hope") that you'll do it for nothing or less than your set rate just because you know them, well it leaves a bad taste in the mouth and meant I withdrew a little from those "friends". It's odd how little people return the "favour".

IronicalCallSign · 17/09/2019 11:42

What's worse is not just the people who expect you to do work for free, therefore meaning you can't do paid work for clients... It's the ones who are so clueless they don't even know they're getting a below market rate!

I once priced up a job for a friend of a friend (more like a recommendation, I'd met the person once), two problems:

  1. she had no idea about the scope of the solution (think akin to saying she wanted a car MOT but what was really, critically needed was akin to a mechanic doing a full car engine rebuild, 4 new tyres and anything else the MOT would uncover, at a bare minimum). Quote was for £800 because I'd said it might be nearly a grand, as a favour to her. The market cost would have been more like £3000!

  2. she'd no idea of the actual market rate even when I broke down the quotation into 4 or 5 key jobs.

She actually came back to me and asked if I could do mates rates...?! And said would 400 do?
While that wouldn't even cover the parts cost, not to mention the paying customers I'd have to bump to fit her in outside normal work planning.

I said no, in a bit of a grumble about it being higher than she'd expected... she said she'd look at alternative suppliers.

She called me two weeks later extremely keen to commission the work, funniest thing was one quote for the work came back as £4k for it being a rush job.

It taught me a lesson that cheap customers aren't worth bothering with, they're too much hard work, someone who doesn't value skills or investment in equipment or business running costs isn't someone I'm that fussed about getting a good name with, or recommendations from.. I'd rather have proper paying customers who value what I offer.

LolaSmiles · 17/09/2019 11:46

hoodathunkit is spot on here.

I know someone who has trained in life coaching but to do that they have a teaching background with extensive work in pastoral fields, have trained in counselling and registered appropriately, have trained in cognitive behavioural therapy and so on.

They'd never take on clients they know.

The growth of life coaching seems to go hand in hand with "empower yourself" social media pages and MLM.

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