75% of mothers

[user87382294757]

...do all of the housework and childcare related tasks - no matter how many hours they work outside of this

I was a bit depressed to read this in the Independent newspaper today.

I wondered how mush of this rings true in your experience?

True in our house BUT mostly I enjoy it. He works 6am-11pm every day, I don’t work at all (other than childcare but my point being that it doesn’t pay for the food shop!). Since he only has 7 hours a day where he’s not “at work” or about to go back out to work, when exactly should he be expected to do any housework or childcare? If we both worked then he wouldn’t need to be out of the house for so long to pay the bills so obviously he would do more. But we don’t, because the cost of childcare to facilitate it would be INSANE. I’m not at all saying that all SAHM should do everything, far from it. But it works for us!

@FelicisNox - if course men will willingly clean. No different from women - they like a nice clean home to live in. There are obviously nicer things to do but cleaning still has to happen. We now have a cleaner but both of us have over the last 20 years kept our home clean and tidy. DT ‘s have been brought up to clean up after themselves although looking at their Uni rooms you wouldn’t think so!

Not true for me. Me and my bf don’t even live together but he does more housework in my house than I do

I do the majority, but not all of it. I do work part-time though. I’m shocked at the 75% figure.

Poolbridge I have just read your novel and am wondering, are you me? I realised I do more than I even thought, you reminded me of stuff Ive obviously done for so long it had become the norm and I do them without thinking e.g. cleaning scum off shower screen, cleaning sink/bath/toilet, changing towels etc etc etc etc

True here.

I work full time and husband is a SAHD but I still do all the washing, food shopping, 90% of the cleaning, house admin, we do bedtime with one child each and I do all the night wakings.

@Itsonlymonday
I wish it was ‘enough’ for me that STBXH was good with finances and had been keeping us above water - which he is / was.
A significant financial contribution for me from STBXH simply wasn’t enough to justify the unequal contribution in domestic tasks. I wonder how many other women feel the way you do?

Sadly true all the way. I work far longer hours than my DP but there is no question over who cooks and does all the invisible jobs around childcare and housework. Don't get me started on the mental chores.

I do all cooking, cleaning, laundry, admin, grocery shopping everything .. My choice as if I waited till. Dh got home, showered ( messy job so shower before anything else.) then cooked we wouldn't eat till late and I'd still have to cook for the dcs. Same with housework. If he did It it would be late at night before we relax together. I like to get it all done whilst he is in shower and then when dd and ds in bed. I have shower and we relax.
I have toddler dd as a sahm. Dh only gets 30 min a day with her and then Sundays.

This works for us but if ever I said I don't want to or can he do x y z he would in a flash

@Poolbridge sorry then I misunderstood...I understood that he didn’t help financially either.

Yes it gets on my nerves that I do all housework but I’m bad with finances and he’s the one making sure we have everything covered. At least that’s one thing I don’t need to worry about.
He’s good with DS . They spend time together and they adore each other.
If I was to leave, my life wouldn’t be better or easier. And def not better for my DS.
I learned that life is a compromise. DH is loving and caring towards both of us he’s just not good with housework.

@smilingontheinside
I could add to that novel - even now I can think of another 10-20 domestic tasks I do which aren’t on those lists.
It’s so invisible and insidious. And takes away from our time for rest, wellness, recreation, creativity.
It’s so wrong - and like you I just fell into doing them without even realising, and then something broke earlier this year and I simply thought I can’t do ALL this anymore.

It’s not even like STBXH does what is commonly described as ‘gendered’ chores ie DIY, gardening, cleaning car etc. He does nothing. But even the concept of ‘gendered’ chores in this day and age is so offensive.

I have no answers for how we have got here in 2019 and I seriously doubt this status quo will be better in even 100 years

you can probably do a search of threads on this group. there is one where the mother got a friend to watch kids while she worked. turns out the father wanted to play golf. There are many like this. our sons need to be raised for this. many are not.

sorry, look at the school and who organises for the family. does pick ups . I know some that are so stressed and are getting little support

I do 100%. Of everything. Even caring for step daughter. Husband is youngest by far our three elder sisters and a doting mother who did everything for him. He is learning the hard way. Completely lazy. Iv stopped doing it all till he pulls his weight

I do all of childcare and housework but I chose not to work. When I did work, I did do more that DH for sure but not all of it, I still did all the childcare stuff, school related tasks and we split the chores plus had a cleaner.

@Itsonlymonday STBXH adores DC and she adores him, but perhaps the difference is that your DH respects and loves you too; which mine didn’t. Maybe that is the difference.
I move out in 5 weeks’ time and unlike you, I feel like my life will be better and easier without him.
I worry for the impact on DC, but am confident that living without the resentment will bring me in the long term some happiness which I enjoy none of now

Not in my house, but then DH is not working at the moment (and I am) so he does 70%. We also have a cleaner which makes a huge difference.

@Poolbridge I admire you. You are very brave. Wish I had your courage...I really do.
Good luck and may you find happiness. 💐

I sometimes wish i had the courage to walk out and start over. I’m not confident I’d succeed though.
He is a good man but he always needs an extra push. Sometimes when I’m tired after working all day I don’t have the energy to give him the push he needs.

Oh well we just need to get on with it xx

Oh yes definitely true, especially in the early years of my child's life. It's a fucking hard slog looking after a baby without the housework, shopping etc chucked in on top.

I definitely do the most, but not everything.

Absolutely not true here. Dh definitely pulls his weight.

It was quite like that in my house until I gave up doing it all. My dh now cooks & does the washing up. The children still seem down to me mostly.

I do and have always done all the childcare, all the life admin and DC admin (school / clubs etc) DC lifts, all the cooking and 90% of the housework - DH sometimes washes up and every once in a blue moon will clean the bathroom.

DH works full time and I do 25 hours. Unfortunately I have an infuriating DH who thinks he's a feminist and his opinions back this up - which is an easy when you have a wife who works and does everything!

I know, I know you will all say I'm a mug. But it's a tricky one, I work part time so I should do more, it's just the balance is out of kilter. I think there are definitely a large proportion of couples out there like this.

I've only met one woman who this didn't apply to and she had a cleaner... for those saying "oh my hubby does it all" either he doesn't or you're doing just about everything else or have a specific reason why.

no you are deluded. Men are perfectly capable of doing their share if they want to.