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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He read my messages!

173 replies

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 16:56

Hi! Can you help me cause it's caused a big argument with my BF.

I've been with my BF about 1 year and I thought everything was going fine. But the other day he told me he went through my phone and read my messages! He got all upset cause about 2 weeks after we got together I had sex with someone else but we weren't properly together then so I don't know why he got so upset. He found some messages talking about it and now he knows and he's all cross with me. But we weren't even together and he doesn't understand me.

Anyway I am annoyed cause he looked at my phone so AIBU?

OP posts:

billy1966 · 17/09/2019 13:14

@Monday55
Absolutely.

If you can't make a few silly mistakes when you are 19, exactly when can you.

OP, you are well rid of him.

Best of luck💐

Original poster

GraceIsAce · 17/09/2019 13:21

He has spoken to me a bit now. He said that I had sex with that other guy about a month after I started seeing him. I thought it was earlier than that but I must have got confused cause I looked at the dates again and he was right. So maybe we had seen each other about 6 times by then. My and my BF I mean. So he said that is why he was so upset about it cause we had been seeing each other for a while before that happened. He said he might of been able to forgive me if I had told him about it earlier but cause I lied about it he says he can't ever forgive me but that's fine cause I said I can't forgive him either for going through my phone. I told him that's not ok to do and I don't think he really cares but I do.

So thanks for all your help. I will try and be better in the future and clearer with people.

OP posts:

Damntheman · 17/09/2019 13:32

Good for you, Grace. Never compromise your own privacy :)

SuntanC · 17/09/2019 13:57

@GraceIsAce you have not done a thing wrong. Seems like you have dodged a bullet with someone who thinks nothing of invading your privacy. You slept with someone else in the first month after meeting someone? So what? Who are these people who think that's a terrible thing? Crazy! That wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Someone going through my private messages would be immediately ditched though. Don't be giving yourself a hard time.

Intheupsidedown · 17/09/2019 15:28

I think the whole "sex" issue is that she slept with 2 "boys" effectively at the same time. One of them because she was drunk...

He clearly had reason to look through the phone either cause of previous insecurities or because he felt like she was hiding something.

Invading someone's privacy is bad but also so is sleeping around and then lieing about it.

I think op has some growing up to do before she decides to have a longterm relationship and stops sleeping with boys

NearlyGranny · 17/09/2019 15:33

Nobody ever has a reason to look through another person's phone, except perhaps the police!

billy1966 · 17/09/2019 16:02

Good call Grace👍

Aaarrgghhh · 17/09/2019 16:04

I’m sorry but those saying sleeping with someone else while meeting up with another a few times is worse than looking through someone’s phone, are batshit crazy. It is illegal to access someone’s phone and snoop through it. It is not illegal to have sex with someone else when you don’t feel you are exclusive with the other person. If he didn’t make the exclusivity thing clear then op isn’t in the wrong for not doing so either. Just learn from this and find out the situation before sleeping with anyone else.

Wildorchidz · 17/09/2019 16:13

There are many many posts on Mn advising women to look thru partners phones if they are suspicious of behaviour.....

ThatLibraryMiss · 17/09/2019 18:14

normally if a poster says "I checked his phone" she will be told "you shouldn't be snooping through his phone"

Not true. She will be told to trust her gut, get her ducks in a row and ltb

That is simply not true.

You completely forgot changing the locks and getting her free half-hour of legal advice.

I think the woman-to-woman support here on MN is wonderful, but there is a double standard by which men are presumed guilty whilst women are excused.

KatherineJaneway · 18/09/2019 08:10

You slept with someone else in the first month after meeting someone? So what? Who are these people who think that's a terrible thing? Crazy! That wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Someone going through my private messages would be immediately ditched.

That's not the point thought is it. Just because you don't care, doesn't mean other people wouldn't, as we've seen from her bf's actions. Surely the takeaway from this thread for the op is just because she thinks her actions were OK, doesn't mean other people will also think that way.

SuperSara · 19/09/2019 07:11

@ShatnersWig

This is one of those "parallel universe" threads where the majority view is totally different to one had the sexes/genders (which is it, these days?) been switched.

This. In buckets full.

HotChocolateLover · 19/09/2019 07:16

Oh dear OP 🤦‍♀️😂 Not a great idea to have it off with someone else before you’ve established with the other person (e.g. your boyfriend) whether things are going places. Yes, your BF probably shouldn’t have read your messages but I would be very angry and upset if I realised that DH had done that to me early on.

AriellaBella · 19/09/2019 18:56

@HotChocolateLover do you reckon you could work it through with your DH if you did find out he had done that at the start of the relationship?

@GraceIsAce how are you doing?

Original poster

GraceIsAce · 20/09/2019 09:42

Hi. I haven't been here long enough to know what advice is given if it was the other way around so if he had had sex with someone else and I had checked his messages. Do you mean he would be in the wrong and I would be ok to have checked his phone?

We have spoke about it and broken up now. I will be careful not to make the same mistakes again.

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 20/09/2019 09:49

Ignore the 'reverse' posters. They always drone on about double standards but it is true exactly the same regardless of gender. Nobody but the police had any right to go through another person's phone. And the police need a warrant to do it.

Rachelover60 · 20/09/2019 10:08

He shouldn't have looked at your messages but why on earth do you not delete such personal messages? If you'd been knocked down by a 'bus anyone could read them.

I accept that you were still 'fancy free' after only seeing your guy for a fortnight but nobody wants to read sexy messages between their partner and ex a year down the line.

SamStephens · 20/09/2019 10:15

You’re 19 - you’re far too young to be putting up with this type of bullshit in a relationship. Like how long did he sit there going through your phone to find messages presumably from a YEAR AGO?? Just no, fuck that entirely!

sonjadog · 20/09/2019 10:22

I think you are right to call it a day on this one. The trust has gone on both sides. It is not acceptable invading someone's privacy like he did by going through your messages behind your back.

Intheupsidedown · 20/09/2019 10:40

@rachelover60 from updates the OP worked out she had been with the guy for 4 weeks and slept with him and then slept with the other guy who she kept messages from for over a year..

But they have broken up now so it's over and the OP has learnt a valuable message (and hopefully the guy too)

WestEndWendie · 20/09/2019 13:07

What a ridiculous thing to say @Intheupsidedown "sleeping around" "being drunk" so what! The OP can sleep with whoever she wants to, and do what if she was drunk one time. It's no different from the behaviour of men so why should women not be able to.

Good call OP I think you are right to split up over him going through your phone.

Nat6999 · 20/09/2019 13:41

Why had you still got the message on your phone? If I was in a serious relationship with someone, I wouldn't still have messages on my phone from someone else from a year ago.

JingsMahBucket · 20/09/2019 14:08

@Nat6999 why does that matter? Not everybody deletes messages all the time.

@GraceIsAce glad you’ve parted ways. Change all your passwords!

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