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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He read my messages!

173 replies

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 16:56

Hi! Can you help me cause it's caused a big argument with my BF.

I've been with my BF about 1 year and I thought everything was going fine. But the other day he told me he went through my phone and read my messages! He got all upset cause about 2 weeks after we got together I had sex with someone else but we weren't properly together then so I don't know why he got so upset. He found some messages talking about it and now he knows and he's all cross with me. But we weren't even together and he doesn't understand me.

Anyway I am annoyed cause he looked at my phone so AIBU?

OP posts:
WestEndWendie · 16/09/2019 20:34

Course he's not binned her. He's sulking.

He's totally in the wrong and he sounds jealous and the type to blame you despite the fact that you'd only just started seeing him.

OP YANBU and I'd get shot of him for going thru my messages alone.

31RueCambon75001 · 16/09/2019 20:35

Op 19?
Oh sweetheart. Ignore the negativity on the thread. My dd nearly yr age and id be so annoyed if she came to mumsnet looking for advice and was shamed.

Have you heard of matthew hussey @GraceIsAce
His advice is great cos it is all about having a standard.

Good luck x

squeakybike · 16/09/2019 20:43

Oh come on... if this was a guy writing this thread he'd be flamed.

Also, my 19 year old sister doesn't behave that way.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 16/09/2019 20:54

It was so early on in your relationship it was inconsequential. It's one of his business who you choose to sleep with. Your body, your decision. He doesn't own you or decide what you do with your body ever.

Should you have had a conversation about exclusivity etc. that's different but until that point you are under no obligation to him.
He, however, invaded your privacy and overstepped boundaries. He's a fool.
I'd get rid.

Raspberrytruffle · 16/09/2019 21:10

So in a nutshell, you were not in a relationship just shagging two men at the same time? Icky. He would definitely piss me off snooping though. You are both in the wrong but I have an inkling why he felt paranoid enough to snoop on you and he was right.

TwatCat · 16/09/2019 21:38

"...about 2 weeks after we got together"
"But we weren't even together"

Which one???

billy1966 · 16/09/2019 21:45

OP, he should not have been going through your phone.

You were at the very start of your relationship with your boyfriend.

He sounds jealous, and controlling.

He is in the wrong.

Tell him to give over or it's over. End of.

MadameButterface · 16/09/2019 21:54

Wow there are some really shitty patronising replies on here op and i am sorry that you’ve had to read them

I agree with SGB. He was out of order.

Fwiw everyone clutching their pearls may wish to reflect on the fact that shagging around isn’t against the law, but coercive control and stalking are.

gingersausage · 17/09/2019 00:00

I would call it a day. He will drag this up every time you have an argument and you will be reminded of it constantly. You are way too young to be tied down to such boring crap. Go out and have fun and live a bit. Don’t get sucked into complicated relationships at your age.

Sleepyhead19 · 17/09/2019 00:05

Basically, if you are sleeping with a man, then you sleep with another while one believes you are in a relationship, it’s cheating.
If you found out he had been sleeping with another women at that point, as well as you, I’d put money on you being pissed off about it.
I don’t believe he was right to go through your phone though. He clearly doesn’t trust you and now he has his reason not to. I’d say your relationship won’t last much longer as neither of you trust each other.

AgathaF · 17/09/2019 07:22

You need to take some of the life lessons on board from this experience. Lessons about trust, being faithful, not checking peoples phones (him not you but still a lesson in what not to do). A good relationship is based on mutual trust and respect. It doesn't sound like yours has this. No matter. You're young and are still learning about adult, couple relationships. But maybe time to move on. In time you'll hopefully find someone that you don't want to mess around by sleeping with someone else, someone who trusts you and won't feel the need to check up on you.

I was drunk when I had sex with that other boy. That's why it happened - just so you know, this is never a justifiable excuse. Unless you are really getting so drunk that you don't know what you're doing, in which case you need to address your drinking and quickly.

NearlyGranny · 17/09/2019 08:00

Hmm. So when the 'cheating' happened, the two of you were quite new to seeing each other, were not 'official' and had not discussed or agreed being exclusive. In fact, you have never had the exclusivity talk?

In that case, why is he upset? Seriously, if neither of you has ever raised the subject, how is either of you supposed to know what the relationship ground rules even are? You can't just assume these things!

He seems to be expecting or even demanding behaviour from you which he has not openly committed to himself and that's not fair. He is also breaching boundaries be even asking about any past partners or experience. Have you interrogated him about his? Would he answer?

It's too late now as the lie popped out on self defence, but always remember you aren't obliged to submit to interrogation. Even the police allow someone a lawyer and you can say no comment!

It's best to turn a question like that back with another question, like, "Why would you ask me that?'' "Are we exclusive, then? When did that happen? Did we discuss exclusivity?" "Are you asking me to share details of my entire dating history? Why?" and perhaps most importantly, "Since you've raised the subject, would you like to go first?" It's always OK to respond "I don't think that's really any of your business, Jack!"

His responses to that will quickly show you how jealous and controlling he's likely to be and you can act accordingly.

So he had no right to question you in the first place. Having done that, he proceeded to invade your privacy by exploring your phone: a huge red flag right there! Nobody, regardless of relationship or gender, should be nosing about in anyone else's phone unless perhaps it's parent and child. We don't open other people's post or emails or read their diaries: this is the same. Anyone who does this is not respecting personal privacy and needs to to be shown the door.

If you do it, you need to stop and think.

You may have dodged a bullet with this man.

If you take him back or when you date someone else, for your own sake and theirs, don't allow anyone to behave as if they own you; remember your boundaries; discuss the relationship as you go without making or allowing assumptions to just grow like weeds; be clear about what you want; don't submit to bullying or interrogation.

Why even have a phone password if you share it? I'd use my thumbprint for a password unless I was a deep sleeper, of course! I hope you've secured your phone now!

We learn as we go and this has been a hard lesson. You're young and just starting out, so don't clutter your life with entitled people who already have a relationship blueprint ready for you. You have a right to discover who you are and what you want from a partner. Be choosy; you deserve to be happy and have the right to fire anyone who makes you miserable!

KatherineJaneway · 17/09/2019 08:09

Sounds like you have different opinions on what is and is not OK in a relationship. I am with him in that if you started dating and sleeping with your bf, it was not acceptable to sleep with another man. However you clearly think your behaviour was acceptable. I don't see anyway back from this especially as you lied to him about it.

I'd chalk it up to experience and make sure you are clear next time with a new partner.

ShatnersWig · 17/09/2019 08:16

This is one of those "parallel universe" threads where the majority view is totally different to one had the sexes/genders (which is it, these days?) been switched.

Damntheman · 17/09/2019 08:45

Don't listen to the people being dicks OP. Perhaps you shouldn't have lied, but that's by FAR the smaller issue at hand here. You have EVERY right to be pissed off that he read all your messages! Holy crap what a breach of trust. Change your phone password now and don't let anyone else have it again. I'm sorry, I suspect your relationship is done - but you're better off with someone who comes to talk to you rather than snooping through your phone.

GraceIsAce · 17/09/2019 10:22

I've tried to explain about the being together/not being together thing. We had met up like about 3 times so neither of us knew what was happening or where it was going at that point, although we had said we liked each other but I didn't really mean to have sex with the other one, it just sort of happened.

I'm glad other people agree that it wasn't right for him to read my messages cause I'm still annoyed about that. He said he didn't read all my messages just ones from names of other guys

OP posts:
GraceIsAce · 17/09/2019 10:24

What do you mean by "parallel universe" thread shatnerswig?

OP posts:
GraceIsAce · 17/09/2019 10:29

Thanks for all the advice I have learnt a lot from everyone here. My bf doesn't want to see me again so I think that's for the best

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 17/09/2019 10:50

If a woman came on her and said she thinks her partner had sex with someone else, she asked him, he denied it but she still thinks he did. Then people would be telling her she needs to find proof, go through his phone etc.

That is exactly what the ops bf did and he found the proof that she had lied to him.

Except he is the bad guy? Hmm

LochJessMonster · 17/09/2019 10:51

@Damntheman but you're better off with someone who comes to talk to you rather than snooping through your phone Except he did go and ask her, and she lied?

Aaarrgghhh · 17/09/2019 11:16

If you found out he had been sleeping with another women at that point, as well as you, I’d put money on you being pissed off about it.

What makes you think that? If the op didn’t think they were exclusive then why would she be annoyed?

Damntheman · 17/09/2019 11:22

Sure Jess, then if he didn't trust her he should have just walked away. Not invaded her privacy by checking her messages. They're 19, it's not like there's a mortgage and kids to complicate matters.

Monday55 · 17/09/2019 11:46

OP Ignore some of these posters, they haven't been 19 for decades & quiet frankly have lost touch on what it feels to be a teenager in the dating world.

BlokeNumber9 · 17/09/2019 12:30

OP, you are much more impressive than many posters on this thread.

But give up shagging while drunk, it's so much more fun sober.

cranstonmanor · 17/09/2019 12:37

Is that really how it is out there these days? Goodness me, I’m so glad I’m old, and married.

Me too. I tried dating two guys at once a zillion years ago, hadn't even kissed them and had to stop because it was messing with my head. I couldn't be seriously thinking about a relationship with person A and then the next day have a drink with person B and think about them. Sounds exhausting. Glad I'm not 19 and/or single. To me having sex would mean being exclusive and serious. Guess I'm old fashioned...