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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He read my messages!

173 replies

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 16:56

Hi! Can you help me cause it's caused a big argument with my BF.

I've been with my BF about 1 year and I thought everything was going fine. But the other day he told me he went through my phone and read my messages! He got all upset cause about 2 weeks after we got together I had sex with someone else but we weren't properly together then so I don't know why he got so upset. He found some messages talking about it and now he knows and he's all cross with me. But we weren't even together and he doesn't understand me.

Anyway I am annoyed cause he looked at my phone so AIBU?

OP posts:

bluegirlgreen · 16/09/2019 18:12

@GraceIsAce I would never DREAM of calling you nasty names, and I see now that you are only 19.

Think you and this guy need to break up permanently. I am sorry for the way some posters have spoken to you on here. I do think you are in the wrong though. But then HE is checking your messages. Sounds like an unhealthy relationship and you both sound quite immature (well you are as you are only 19.)

3 dates or 13 dates or 33 dates, once you commit to dating a person, you don't go shagging other men/women.

And before anyone says anything - THAT IS MY OPINION. There is no right or wrong, so Pee off with the snarky comments from people who think the OP did nothing wrong.

@Bbang SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 18:14

I don't know why he read my messages and he's not talking to me atm

OP posts:

Bbang · 16/09/2019 18:15

She didn’t do anything wrong though, she didn’t cheat on anyone. She is not his property, three does not make a relationship or any commitment at all.

bluegirlgreen · 16/09/2019 18:16

I think you need to call time on the relationship Grace.

Good luck and blessings to you.

Bbang · 16/09/2019 18:17

Look @GraceIsAce you aren’t a slag nor have you done anything wrong, it just sounds to me like a case of crossed wires. He thought you were exclusive straight away, you didn’t. Both of these things are okay just a little unfortunate.

The reading your phone however isn’t okay and I honestly at 19 and only a year into the relationship I would be seriously considering my future with him.

Hope you’re okay. X

Original poster

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 18:18

How long do you think you have to be with someone for before its official? What if we had been seeing each other for a month?

I was drunk when I had sex with that other boy. That's why it happened.

OP posts:

Icecreamsoda99 · 16/09/2019 18:19

He went back through a year's worth of messages? he obviously has massive trust issues, I don't think it will work OP nor do I think you should want it to.

Original poster

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 18:20

I do really like him but I'm annoyed he went through my phone. And he's annoyed about the other boy so maybe you are right that this isn't gonna work.

OP posts:

PhannyPharts · 16/09/2019 18:21

Why did he say he went through them? What was his justification for doing so?

I've been in a horrible relationship where I was doing nothing wrong but had my phone constantly searched and even innocent things were warped. It's a giant violation of privacy and I would end it. Trust me and pack that it or don't trust me and fuck off but don't go through my personal things.

Original poster

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 18:23

He didn't tell me why and now he's not talking to me so I might never know

OP posts:

Wildorchidz · 16/09/2019 18:23

It’s too late now in this situation but is your phone not password protected?

AFistfulofDolores1 · 16/09/2019 18:25

You're getting SUCH a hard time on here, OP, and I don't think you deserve it in the least. No exclusivity talk; you were playing the field; you did nothing wrong as far as I'm concerned.

Your partner, on the other hand ...

Bbang · 16/09/2019 18:26

It’s different for everyone but we had the ‘shall we day just each other’ chat about 2/3 months of dating. Probably about 10/12 dates.

Bbang · 16/09/2019 18:27

Date* even

Alexel · 16/09/2019 18:28

Lol are you me?
J/k

Did the same thing as op to an ex.
He couldn't forgive me for it even though he said he did. Idk if he was an abuser to start with or if I was his first victim, was the reason for it that I boned someone else? Idk. Didn't end well for me, he ended up controlling who I saw, spoke to etc. Like further into the relationship it started then getting worse. My phone ended up flung against a wall once. He ended up stalking me and I left the country for a few months being told by police that sickos stalk an average 5 years. Have non molestation orders.

Idk if it all stemmed from me boning someone else even though it wasn't serious with him (he claimed we were fuck buddies so I took it face value then he whinged when I said I boned someone else) but he turned out to be nasty in the end. Maybe it ate him up inside. Idk.
Id be mad now if someone went through my phone without my permission.i wonder if it stems from the boning so long ago. Should ask him straight and don't let him start any funny business especially if it stems from something that should be in the past

Original poster

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 18:34

Alexel you do sound a bit like me! I will be careful that that doesn't happen to me as well. You are well shot of that idiot.

OP posts:

Original poster

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 18:36

My phone is password protected but he knows my password like I know his too.

I don't know if he is worried about trust. He asked me before if I had sex with anyone else and I said no so I know he might be a bit upset that I lied but it was only cause we weren't properly together cause we had only just met then really when I had sex with that other one

OP posts:

NoSauce · 16/09/2019 18:39

I read the first post in the voice of Stacey off Gavin and Stacey.

Chloemol · 16/09/2019 18:39

Harsh as this may sound ( as well as probably old fashioned in today’s world) you sound like a very young 19. You were starting a relationship with someone, slept with him, and then slept with someone else at the same time, no wonder he’s upset.

As regards the messages no perhaps he shouldn’t have looked, but them did you give him cause to? And judging how you behaved when you just started to get together perhaps you did

If you don’t want someone to see messages lock the phone, or better yet delete the damn messages

PuzzledObserver · 16/09/2019 18:41

Unless and until you have agreed to be monogamous, neither partner has any right at all to object to the other person dating or having sex with others.

Is that really how it is out there these days? Goodness me, I’m so glad I’m old, and married.

Alexel · 16/09/2019 18:42

And read you're 19, I made that mistake at 25 ish or something
You know, living my best life lol.

Just be careful about the desire to look through your phone girl. Why etc

Reality is, there's plenty other guys out there too who are lovely and you have plenty of time ahead of you! Unless you like him enough, ask him straight but don't take bullshit or allow him to try start controlling you. Always be careful of the warning signs of abuse. Try not to acquire a stalker like I have either, they're the scariest kind. Stuck between loving and hating you have no idea what they'll do to you. He saw me once from his car (he's now a 31 year old man) and just.... Let out an animalistic... Scream /gargle/dying animal sound. It was scary as fuck. I guess being arrested infront of his mother and friends for shoving me in the boot of his car and dv made him real mad plus the restraining orders

BatshitBertha · 16/09/2019 18:42

He obviously doesn't trust you, and maybe he has a point, you shagged someone two weeks into your relationship beginning with him (If you really liked your BF you wouldn't have even wanted to shag someone else)

You come across as quite selfish, not really bothered about your BF's feelings, trying to blame him for being in the wrong and refusing to see what you did was hurtful.

I think your BF is sensing that you aren't really into him and not very loyal so he's gone a bit 'cray cray' and read your messages.

squeakybike · 16/09/2019 18:44

He asked me before if I had sex with anyone else and I said no so I know he might be a bit upset that I lied

Right... so you lied to him when he initially, maybe that's why he's even more upset? You honestly can't see why he's pissed off?

overnightangel · 16/09/2019 18:45

You sound like a right catch @GraceIsAce

“I was drunk when I had sex with that other boy. That's why it happened.”

If he’s any sense he’ll bin you off

squeakybike · 16/09/2019 18:45

When he asked initially*

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