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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He read my messages!

173 replies

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 16:56

Hi! Can you help me cause it's caused a big argument with my BF.

I've been with my BF about 1 year and I thought everything was going fine. But the other day he told me he went through my phone and read my messages! He got all upset cause about 2 weeks after we got together I had sex with someone else but we weren't properly together then so I don't know why he got so upset. He found some messages talking about it and now he knows and he's all cross with me. But we weren't even together and he doesn't understand me.

Anyway I am annoyed cause he looked at my phone so AIBU?

OP posts:
SuperSara · 16/09/2019 17:21

It's fine to snoop on partners by going through their phone, according to MNers.

Lots of threads have posters falling over themselves to tell the OP to get her partner's phone and read emails and messages.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/09/2019 17:24

Nope, he is much more in the wrong. Dump him and run, OP: someone who snoops like this is abusive and controlling and will never let you forget that you once had sex with someone else.

Aragog · 16/09/2019 17:24

In your own OP:

2 weeks after we got together
we weren't properly together

weren't even together
weren't even that serious after 2 weeks

You seem confused as to whether you were together or not. At first you were, then not properly, then you weren't together at all, then together but not serious!

Regardless I'd be pretty annoyed if someone I thought I was together with decided to sleep with someone else just two weeks in. But then I am too old to know all about this need to have to declare exclusivity before assuming the person you were seeing wasn't going to go and sleep with someone else.

Yes he was wrong to read your messages.That also isn't good either and something I wouldn't be happy with.

However, I think sleeping with someone else two weeks into a relationship is probably a fair bit worse. But neither are great trust wise.

Maybe neither of you are with the right person if you can't trust one another.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/09/2019 17:25

Unless and until you have agreed to be monogamous, neither partner has any right at all to object to the other person dating or having sex with others. Only stupid, selfish, unreasonable people make assumptions without negotiation.

Wonderland18 · 16/09/2019 17:26

He’s rude to go through your phone, I’d deffs dump my DP if I found out he was sleeping with someone else at the start of our relationship though.

supersop60 · 16/09/2019 17:28

If he was suspicious and then looked at your phone, then he is not BU.
If he was just looking through your messages for no reason, then he is BVU.
Did he know you weren't exclusive at the start?

SunshineCake · 16/09/2019 17:30

As I said, the young. Dh and I never had the conversation about were we just seeing each other. It was just assumed. Neither of us are selfish, stupid or unreasonable Hmm.

WonderWomansSpin · 16/09/2019 17:32

Unless you're with someone who can be manipulated into an open relationship there are a few of them on MN then your faux indignation about him reading your messages won't cut it.
You cheated. He looked for proof and found it. If my partner did that, I'd dump them especially if they tried to pull the 'you looking at my phone is just as bad as me lying to you, sleeping with someone else and potentially leaving you at risk of STD'. To quote Sesame Street: 'one of these things is not like the other.'

Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 17:32

Oh wow that is a lot of replies. I'll try and answer.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 16/09/2019 17:36

@SuperSara

Total agree.
The amount of times I have read on Mns that we should all (women that is) act on our gut feelings, he has and you have been caught out, and I wouldnt be surprised that he had the gut feeling. You obviously are sending out all sorts of mixed messages about your relationship. Why wouldnt you have deleted this message if it was an old one or why are you bringing it up if its a new one. Sorry I dont believe this exclusivity chat and it would never be mentioned if the genders were switched. You were going out for two weeks and you cheated on him- its as simple as that. What he did would have been terrible but it turns out he was right to do it.
If I was him I would dump you straight away, you dont seem to have any moral compass, and I doubt he would be able to trust you.

SmellMySmellbow · 16/09/2019 17:37

Had you slept with your bf before you slept with this other guy? Then YABU.

Wildorchidz · 16/09/2019 17:37

Maybe he’s found out that he has an STI...

Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 17:38

Well we never had a chat about being exclusive and I don't know anyone who does that. But we met up a few times maybe like 3 times and then I had sex with the other one and then me and my BF met up loads more times. I don't know when I would say that we were properly together but I had only met him a few times so why would that mean we were properly together?

I don't know why he read my messages. And it wasn't like I was talking to anyone about it, it was the messages between me and the other boy from ages ago that he read. I haven't done anything since that.

OP posts:
Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 17:39

Yes I had sex with my BF before I had sex with the other guy.

Nooooooo don't say that about an STI that would be rubbish.

OP posts:
boredboredboredboredbored · 16/09/2019 17:41

Are you 16??

Rachelle11 · 16/09/2019 17:42

Since you were sleeping together I'm not surprised he's upset you went and slept with someone else.

No he shouldn't have snooped.

Boswellisdead · 16/09/2019 17:43

how recent were the messages?

TeaForTara · 16/09/2019 17:45

OP I interpret it as you had had a couple of dates but hadn't got as far as the exclusivity / proper relationship stage.

I can understand him being upset that in that early stage you slept with someone else and kept it a secret. However it is not acceptable for him to go through your phone unless he asked and you agreed to it.

I don't understand why the OP is getting such a hard time - normally if a poster says "I checked his phone" she will be told "you shouldn't be snooping through his phone" and yet in this case, the OP says "he snooped through my phone" and pp pile on virtually calling her a slut (if not in so many words) and all the rest of it.

YANBU although with hindsight it would have been better either to tell him about it before he found out or to delete the messages.

Wildorchidz · 16/09/2019 17:45

Why would mentioning an sti be rubbish? Do you insist on condoms ?

Wildorchidz · 16/09/2019 17:47

normally if a poster says "I checked his phone" she will be told "you shouldn't be snooping through his phone"

Not true. She will be told to trust her gut, get her ducks in a row and ltb

Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 17:47

No, I'm not 16. Im 19.

OP posts:
Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 17:48

The messages were from last year when I had sex with the other one they were between me and him

OP posts:
Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 17:48

yes I did use a condom with the other one

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 16/09/2019 17:49

Quite possibly he has been diagnosed with an STI, hence his snooping. Get yourself to a GUM clinic now.

DiBPD1979 · 16/09/2019 17:49

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