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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He read my messages!

173 replies

GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 16:56

Hi! Can you help me cause it's caused a big argument with my BF.

I've been with my BF about 1 year and I thought everything was going fine. But the other day he told me he went through my phone and read my messages! He got all upset cause about 2 weeks after we got together I had sex with someone else but we weren't properly together then so I don't know why he got so upset. He found some messages talking about it and now he knows and he's all cross with me. But we weren't even together and he doesn't understand me.

Anyway I am annoyed cause he looked at my phone so AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 18:45

Ha! That's really funny NoSauce and I'm not even Welsh!

OP posts:
Itsallgonewoowoo · 16/09/2019 18:45

So you lied, that's possibly why he's so upset. He suspected you lied then checked up on you. If you had no guilt why lie?
I don't think there was an issue after a few weeks but YOU LIED when asked, that is the point. If my BF lied to me in a year long relationship I'd bail too, though I wouldn't if he'd been honest about it.

Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 18:47

I know I lied but I sort of panicked and didn't know what to say. I should of told him the truth maybe

OP posts:
Itsallgonewoowoo · 16/09/2019 18:52

Maybe? I think the answer is yes. No long term relationship can be built on mistrust. He knows you lied, so no trust, he snooped on you, no trust. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

IAmALazyArse · 16/09/2019 18:55

What is this exclusivity chat pp speak of?😮
You date someone, you don't sleep with others imho. I never had exclusivity chat with my now DH except "I do" in front of the witnesses quite a while after our first date...

I say it on any thread no matter what sex the person is. It's not OK to read someone's messages just because "you got the gut feeling".
On the other hand, you have basically cheated. That's how it feels for him and that was wrong too.

So both of you are wrong.

C0untDucku1a · 16/09/2019 18:57

Right, regardless of the checking your phone, going back a year of messages, you still having those messages, and the cross wires at the start, there are now bigger issues.

You had sex with someone you wouldn't have done otherwise whole drunk. This needs addressing.

He is ignoring you. Massive red flag.

Bin him

Wildorchidz · 16/09/2019 18:58

Bin him

Think he has binned her.

Streamside · 16/09/2019 19:01

He shouldn't have read your messages and that's the crux of the matter.Everything else is a side issue and you need to deal with the invasion of privacy first.

LiveRightNow · 16/09/2019 19:04

Wow some seriously judgy posts here. OP I don't think you did anything wrong in not being exclusive after 3 dates. Esp if met on certain apps to be chatting to more than one person at a time when dating is the norm now. Assuming you've been faithful since no problem BUT I would be annoyed about lying if I was your BF. I think that's the real issue. Snooping was very wrong but a common advice given to partners who think they might be cheated on. Only you can call if your relationship is worth trying to salvage in which case you need to be honest lying was wrong and he needs to be able trust you in future.

squeakybike · 16/09/2019 19:06

Bin him

Think he has binned her.

Loooool good 🗑

Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 19:12

Yeh I don't much trust him at the moment going through my phone but I see what you mean that he might be annoyed that I lied.

We never had the exclusivity chat and we've now been together a year so maybe he has cheated on me lol

OP posts:
FaceForRadio1973 · 16/09/2019 19:15

I've just been reading another thread on here, where somebody was suspicious of her partner (or it may have been her husband?), and was advised to install key-loggers, and one helpful IT expert even gave blow by blow, step by step instructions on how to access Google Mail.

However, when this guy is suspicious, he is the scum of the earth for reading messages and invading her privacy...

I must admit biology was never my strong point, but in the past, I honestly thought the main difference was that men had penises and women don't... How wrong was I?

PSILoveWine · 16/09/2019 19:16

Aw come on now ladies.
She's 19 years old.
Which means she was only 18 when she did this and you lot are being cruel as fuck!
He shouldn't of read your messages OP he's obviously very insecure to look that far back!
You slept with someone after seeing him for 2 weeks. It's not the best but you are not a bad person.
I hope you are okay after reading some of these vile comments.

Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 19:23

faceforradio1973 yeh it's weird how people think differently depending on if it's a man or woman doing it. Like what if he had had sex with someone else and I looked at his phone? Would that be any different?

OP posts:
Aaarrgghhh · 16/09/2019 19:26

He’s a dick for reading your messages. Also, sleeping with one person while somewhat dating another is fine, it isn’t official or exclusive yet. Therefore, he is the only person in the wrong. Sack him off and be done if he’s going to be an idiot like that.

PawPawNoodle · 16/09/2019 19:33

Eh, in my sexually liberated and open circles the exclusivity talk isn't had however once you commit to having sex with someone without it explicitly being a FWB situation, then you are somewhat default exclusive unless both agree otherwise. This was the case when I was younger as well as now.

I think you were wrong to sleep with someone while dating someone and not letting them know at that point that you intend to sleep with other people if the opportunity arises. I'd leave a partner that did not consider the relationship to have progressed after sleeping with me.

He shouldn't have gone through your phone at all and it is a violation of trust, one that I would find hard to forgive. What I dont understand however is why you still have the text messages discussing a drunken shag 🤷‍♀️

Chickychoccyegg · 16/09/2019 19:39

He sounds a bit of a dick, must've taken him ages to go through a years worth of messages too, if he gets back in touch, make it clear you don't want to get back together, you dont know him that well and it could be the start of controlling behaviour. You barely knew him when you slept with the other guy, 3 dates isn't a relationship!

Wildorchidz · 16/09/2019 19:41

he is the only person in the wrong.

So her lying to him when he asked her is fine t

Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 19:45

I get that lying to him was wrong I don't know if he would forgive me if I said sorry but I don't think he will say sorry about the phone so I don't know.

I sometimes delete my messages but usually just leave them til my phone runs out of space lol

OP posts:
Original poster
GraceIsAce · 16/09/2019 19:47

And I have really liked him from the start, the other boy was really just a drunken thing that just happened.

OP posts:
FaceForRadio1973 · 16/09/2019 20:01

@GraceIsAce

Good question...

To be fair, I don't think it would be any different at all. The way I understand it, In these days, it's called "Feminism" - When I was young, it was called "What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander"...

As to the morals of either gender prying, I genuinely don't know the answer -

I'm not a huge fan of the whole "If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear in the loss of privacy" malarkey in that way lies 1984, Big Brother, and other mass surveillance techniques.

However, the poster I was referring to previously discovered her partner had been shagging out of watch....

I am getting on to dangerous territory about the rights to privacy, but that would totally derail this thread...

FaceForRadio1973 · 16/09/2019 20:02

Sorry, pressed post too soon,

The dangerous ground of the right to privacy vs the right to knowledge...

Silvercatowner · 16/09/2019 20:05

Is that really how it is out there these days? Goodness me, I’m so glad I’m old, and married.

Lol me too. It sounds so exhausting. And messy.

Densol999 · 16/09/2019 20:24

Oh bless you !
Just 19
You really dont need this grief :( get rid, have a girls holiday, enjoy being young and then later focus on long term relationships !

31RueCambon75001 · 16/09/2019 20:32

Why is op getting abuse?
Anybody who has dated knows you can think ur in a new relationship only to find out he is dating other people too.... so after you get the stuffing knocked out of you a few times you realise it all means nothing til they have told you they are exclusive.

Still i understand why the op's bf is upset. He thought you were thinking about him and only him.

How far back did he go when he was reading yr txts!?