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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 16/09/2019 08:32

We did separate christmases at our own families until we got engaged. Since then we have alternated. It's the only sensible way to do it.

I have childless friends who are married who still go to their separate families at Christmas.

So I think you need to encourage your OH can you go to his parents of the Year until you're ready to alternate. I think the first Christmas that you do together as a couple should be at his parents as he has done plenty of christmases at your parents.

You see is not close to his family but that's because he lives 6 hours away from them. Arguably it's more important that he sees his family on special occasions as you see your family together all the time. Stop being so selfish.

Idontwanttotalk · 16/09/2019 08:35

"he is keen we do this at Christmas this year."

"It would feel like we are only going to be able to make it ‘fair’ when neither of us would really enjoy it."

Why would neither of you really enjoy it? How do you know if you haven't done it before? He is keen to go there this year. I think you need to compromise and see his family this year and then do alternate years. Yes, you will miss your family but you also need to be fair to your OH.

If you aren't going to make an effort to go to his family for Christmas and enjoy it then you will need to spend Christmas separately with your respective families. Your relationship will reflect your inability to compromise so I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope for it in the future.

RightYesButNo · 16/09/2019 08:35

I had to go back and read the OP and saw you said you were early 30s. I figured you must be about 21 and in your first relationship the way you’re going on! This is mad. For clarification: if you love someone, you compromise. There’s going to be a lot more than Christmas that will come up in your life together. A perfect job may come up for your OH that will require you to move far away from your family... or a million other circumstances. You could someday be in his mother’s shoes with your own children.

My grandparents raised me and I’m an only child. But when I got married, they told me that part of life now was to compromise with my husband, even if that meant not putting them first sometimes. When his job moved us away from them, I was devastated, but they weren’t - they said it was part of life and growing and it would be all right. You sound like you have a shiteload of growing up to do before you consider marriage or DC or “decades” of divided Christmases. And if your mother would be “devastated” if you weren’t home every Christmas, knowing you’re half of a couple and owe his parents’ feelings some consideration, then she’s not being helpful at all either - sorry, OP.

Stonerosie67 · 16/09/2019 08:36

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Myimaginarycathasfleas · 16/09/2019 08:43

Tbh you are both sounding a bit like children, expecting it to be fun for you.

Indecisiveandconfused · 16/09/2019 08:45

It’s easy. You spent it apart. My son and his girlfriend do this every yeqr. It does change when you have children though.

thecatsthecats · 16/09/2019 08:49

OP - if you twist yourself in this many knots to justify why YOUR Christmas is more important, then I think it's well possible that your partner knows not to argue, because you'll have 101 answers why your feelings and your family are more important.

My husband actually warned me that his mum is like that - a lovely woman in her own way, but very much the matriarch. We live locally to them, this will be our first Christmas together and as a married couple, and we're going to my parents. Then we'll alternate until we have kids in the picture.

I told my parents yesterday, and they're so happy, but said that we are categorically never to feel any pressure to split ourselves in two for in laws. So much so that they wouldn't even invite us to come.

The loud, manipulative, 'devastated' types are masters at getting their way.

macem · 16/09/2019 08:50

I got married at 20, we both come from large families and were thrilled to spend Christmas day alone in our own home, we just wanted to be together.

Whatever you do OP, be with the person you love and make the best of it. Give and take is always the best option.

ravenmum · 16/09/2019 08:53

How does your dp feel about not having a close relationship with his family, do you think?
I spent 15 years not seeing my family at Xmas as it was a long way (flights required). We always went to my exh's. I wasn't close to my family, but tbh not visiting them didn't help. Never seeing them exacerbated the feelings of alienation. My exh was not understanding: as far as he was concerned I should logically have no problem not visiting my family, if visits were potentially stressful. It was at least convenient for him to believe that I was totally fine with never going there.

honeyloops · 16/09/2019 08:57

I wouldn't stay with someone who wanted Christmas only with their family every year. It smacks of selfishness and an unwillingness to compromise. Yes, the 6 hour drive will be a pain, but that's a relationship - you make these compromises. I don't like the 2 hour drive to my OH's relatives every other week, but we do it because we're a team and they're 'our' family now, not his.

honeyloops · 16/09/2019 08:57

And we're not married, either. But we've combined our lives in every other way - would be weird to exclude his relatives.

CassianAndor · 16/09/2019 08:59

I initially thought YABU but actually until we had DD, DH and I nearly always spent Christmas with our own families, even once we'd moved in. So until our mid 30s, at least.

cccameron · 16/09/2019 09:05

I understand exactly how you feel. There is no chance that I would spend a Xmas at another family instead of my own. Pre kids DH and I would spend the morning together, go to our respective parents for lunch, then meet up for drinks in the evening. So we were spending time with our own families but also had alot of the day/evening together. Now we have dd I host so both sets of parents can choose whether to come. Mil/fil usually host extended family themselves so we spend the morning with them.
Could you drive over to them and have breakfast with them then to your family for lunch?

BadassBusty · 16/09/2019 09:07

well good point and I have suggested that, the issue being that surely you can’t go through life spending every Christmas apart?? But maybe you can!!

You totally can!! Until we had our DD we spent each Christmas with our families....we saw each other all the time! We'd see each other at various points over Chrismas but the day itself was with our own families. We've now had two Christmas days together with the others family and this year I'm tempted to leave my DD with his family and go spend it with mine (they only live 25 mins drive apart anyway) as one of his family is a complete arse to me and while I pull them up on it I'd rather have a peaceful Christmas Day!

Since you have no children then just do it separately this year....it's no big deal.

GCAcademic · 16/09/2019 09:10

Not sure I’ll post on here again!!

You didn't get the replies you wanted, so you've flounced off. All that's done is reinforce the impression that your previous posts gave of you being childish and used to getting your own way.

You say that your partner has a "minimal" relationship with his family, but that his mother wants him to visit at Christmas. Do you think that this minimal relationship is going to be improved by you placing obstacles in front of his spending Christmas with them? Be prepared to take the blame down the line when the relationship deteriorates further or his parents die. I'm not saying it will be justified, but emotions are not rational.

NellieEllie · 16/09/2019 09:12

Totally get that you want to be with your family at Christmas. If you get on with them and have a great time there, it makes Christmas really special, magical, something to be really looked forward to. If you go somewhere else, stay with people you don’t particularly get on with, then Christmas can just be a chore.
This is what’s great about being single. You get to do what you want. However, once in a relationship you have to compromise. If your OH feels he should go back to his parents, then, given you don’t have DCs the choice is - you suck it up and go with him, or he goes alone and you go back to your parents. Or, you do some kind of dividing of the festive season. Christmas your parents, Boxing Day his, or vice versa. Or Christmas with one, New Year with one.

HereWeGoNow · 16/09/2019 09:13

I was going to reply but then I realised it's SEPTEMBER. Grin

TriDreigiau · 16/09/2019 09:15

I do think you are being a bit weird and inflexible.

However if you must be together and you must be at your family you could see Christmas period as Dec +Jan and do long weekend with his parents at some point or New Year or do Easter with them instead.

uokhun25 · 16/09/2019 09:17

Just separate for Christmas - been with my husband for 8 years and we have never spent a Christmas together - he wants to be with his fam and I want to be with mine!!

This will probably change once we have kids - but for now this works!

tequilasunrises · 16/09/2019 09:18

I’ve not RTFD but I totally get you OP. Both mine and my DHs parents are divorced so we have to spread ourselves so thinly over Christmas I’m exhausted by the end of it. I wish wish wish we could just spend every Christmas with my family. DHs family just aren’t very jolly and to me it isn’t Christmas unless my mum has drank too much Bucks Fizz by 11am and is dancing round the kitchen singing Christmas songs Grin

But unfortunately you have to make compromises in relationships and imagine how you would feel if you had grown up children and they decided never to spend Christmas with you?

Even though we make time for all 4 sets of parents over Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, my mum always bagsies the Saturday before Christmas to have all the siblings over and we have drinks and a feast and play games. Doing that makes me feel slightly better about not spending every Christmas Day with her!

Hope you manage to get something sorted Wine

Geekster1963 · 16/09/2019 09:21

I can fully understand why you want to go to your parents. But when your in a relationship you have to take it in turns more. I was a bit sad the first Christmas we spent with DH's parents that I didn't see my family. Don't get me wrong I wasn't so sad I didn't enjoy Christmas just felt a bit sad.

Years on and we tend to spend four out of five Christmases with DH parents as he's an only child and I'm one of five so my parents take it in turns with me and my siblings. We have a seven year old DD now, so Christmas is mostly for her now, but if I'm totally honest it still rankles a bit that we see more of them.

Mummyshark2018 · 16/09/2019 09:24

As you spent the last two years with your family I think you should spend this year with his.

Apart from anything else you get to see your family a lot. His live 6 hours away. Perhaps one of this things impacting on the closeness of their relationship is that they don't see each other often enough. I get that most people would rather spend it with their own family but you're an adult and you need to start creating new traditions- especially when you have kids.

Runmybathforme · 16/09/2019 09:27

Sorry, but you are being selfish, and rather immature. Talk to your partner, see how much it really matters to him. Surely it’s about compromise, alternate every year. His Christmas is just as important as yours.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/09/2019 09:27

Dh and I used to alternate between sometimes doing it with my family or at home and then the following year going to fils. Dh and I used to arrive at fils then go to the supermarket to buy all the food. He lives abroad. Then I’d do all the cooking and everything else actually while fil did nothing. Dh helped. It really wasn’t a very nice experience at all because fil had no idea how to do Christmas. So basically the whole thing got left to me to organise as dh followed my lead. It was doable when we celebrated with cousins at the same time but their lifestyle and ours no longer matched when we had a child. One year dd had d&v, dh complained he felt ill as did fil so there was no food bought. I could hardly take a vomiting child to a supermarket. I was left to look after dd and somehow conjure up food when there was almost none in the house. I am disabled btw. Shortly after this I became chronically ill and I was too ill to do the journey let alone anything else. Fil was left with the choice of being alone or coming to us. He came after Christmas. All fine.

Y’know I did this cos that’s what you do when you have in laws. You do stuff to please them even if it doesn’t suit you cos you’re a grown up.

These days we don’t stay with fil as his place is too small for us and boring for dd. But we have a holiday near his house every year and see him then. Dh also visited him earlier in the year.

MsTSwift · 16/09/2019 09:31

If you were under 16 I would think fair enough. But you’re not. Stop channelling Veruca Salt and go to your in laws for Christmas. You’ve had the last few years at yours it’s more than his turn.