To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

[Shedoesntevengohere55]

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

@Ragwort

I agree about not having a tradition. My own DM warned me about this as she found herself hosting DGF every single Christmas (he was a lovely man but also rather dominating and inflexible ) and she started to resent not being able to consider doing anything else.

DH and I had separate christmases until we were about 28 and then decided we wanted to have our own time together and didn’t visit anyone. When kids came along it was more about keeping everyone else happy for a bit until we learned to put the kids’ needs first. If you’re in it for the long haul - a couple of christmases apart aren’t a big deal unless you think you’ll never be in a position to compromise.

Your feelings are perfectly valid.

But he also has every reason to feel the same.

Usually once people join up in a partnership they alternate these things. Or if family are close they do Christmas Day alternate and then do Xmas eve or Boxing Day at the other family on that year.

I think you will need to accept that you've joined a partnership and you will have to do what your partner wants on an equal basis.

You are being selfish and like a child tbh. Having a relationship involves compromise for the sake of your partner sometimes. We alternate with both sets of parents. It was strange for me at first as we have many traditions that my in laws didn't have. However, I have introduced them to some of them. There is more than one way to celebrate and you may well enjoy it at your in laws if you go with a positive mindset. Otherwise you celebrate separately from your partner which I would never do.

If your partner gives in and does what you want as you have done for the last few years then he really isn't up to much. This could be a chance for him to get closer to his family, I would take one for the team so to speak this year.

So my question is, if he’s not bothered but his mother is, do we still have to go so it is fair??

So it's not okay for your mum to be devastated but it's okay for his mum to be bothered? Maybe if you put more effort into having a relationship with her you'd feel less distant

awaits massive dripfeed about partners family that you forgot to mention in the OP

I can't imagine being so close to my family that it wouldn't feel like Christmas without them. But I hope someday that's how my boys feel about me. I have 2 boys, we're not having anymore children, I'd be devastated if neither of then visited me around christmas because their girlfriends/wives guilted them into visiting their mothers.
When we had one DS we used to visit my family in the morning and DHs family in the afternoon, i appreciate this isn't possible because of the distance issue.
We also lived in a tiny flat with no room for a tree so i just didn't want to be in our house.
We have 2 DS now and a beautiful big house so we stay in our own home. It makes things easier and I don't fancy spending most the day driving.

I really think that Christmas can happily be separate in a great relationship pre having children.

For some people it's a very precious time of traditions with those they know the longest.

If that's the case, I think enjoy those years that you can spend them with your family.

When children arrived we stayed at home as that was what we wanted to do.

It was never an issue as we would visit family.

I think forcing a partner to spend time at that time of year when they would much prefer to be with their birth family is an unnecessary causer of tension and upset.

Ye will have many years together so having a few more with individual families makes it easier all round.

Those that have done this have always been happier with the result.

To answer the question you asked in your OP, we started alternating Christmas when we started living together. I don’t much enjoy Christmas with his parents (don’t think he does either!) and while I enjoy it with my mother she smokes like a chimney so I’m always glad to leave. After we’d been together a few years I got a job that required working on Christmas Day for a few year and after that we have spent it at our own place until we had kids.

The thing about Christmas with family is that it isn’t just about having the best day possible, it’s also a bit of a signal to a lot of people and part of how family relationships are maintained and reinforced. If your DH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family in some ways it may be more important for him to spend Christmas with them, but the biggest issue normally is making sure it doesn’t become a signal to people that you favour one side of your amity over the other.

Just go to his. It's selfish to expect him to spend every year with your family. Whatever you think about how well he gets on with his mum she would clearly like to see her son on Christmas or she wouldn't be raising it. I would prefer to see my mum and siblings every year instead of DHs but we take it in turns because it's fair.

My mum would be devastated if I announced I was going there for Christmas!
She gets you all year round, by dint of being local. Imagine how she'd feel if she hardly ever saw you because you lived six hours away, and yet STILL wouldn't visit her at Christmas because your spouse said they didn't want to.

I think you need to be considering the future, particularly if you have children. Start now as you mean to go on as it's so much harder to change it later on

I say this as someone who's parents are devastated if Christmas doesn't happen at their house. The problem is, we started off always going to them and now they can't cope if it doesn't go exactly as they expect. We have a lovely Christmas with them, don't get me wrong, but it can never be changed. Fortunately my in laws are considerably older and actually wouldn't be able to manage a busy children's focussed Christmas but I'd occasionally like a Christmas at home with my children! I now really regret starting the way we did. I attempted to put my foot down once and it caused a terrible argument

Interestingly my DB met his girlfriend 3 years ago and they always alternate Christmas with my mum and dad and her mum and dad. His girlfriend is similar to you and really missed her family the first year she came to our family but has said it is only fair - particularly if they go on to have children.

I’d love to have Christmas exactly how I want it every year, but I know that’s not how it works!

We alternate Christmas every year, but on the year that we go to his mums I have a ‘fake Christmas day’ the weekend before with my family (they all come over and I host).

It’s worked really well - I get the ‘Christmas Day’ I want with my family and all our traditions, and the week later he gets his!

My MIL refused to spend Christmas with us. (We own a timeshare for the Christmas week) She gave all the same excuses about how she’d never had Christmas without BIL, she wouldn’t be able to relax and enjoy herself, it would be too big a change. One year BIL was going to rent a cottage near the timeshare and they would come and visit in the morning then go back to their rental for Christmas lunch.

Then, out of the blue, and without telling her, BIL decided he was going away for Christmas. She came with us that year, DD was 5 by this point. She realised she had been foolish to miss christmases with her only grandchild and now comes with us every other year.

You’re being selfish. He’s done the last two years at yours. You’ve not done one year at his. You assume he likes being at yours. Your assumption is wrong - he wants to be with his own family.

You are being completely unreasonable.

You sound like a child still which is understandable as you have a good parent daughter relationship and no kids of your own. But if you are planning to stay with your oh and have kids with him then you need to realise that he (and they) will be your closest family and to start making your own Christmas tradition.

When dh and I got serious we decided to always have Christmas day at our home. We welcome anyone who wants to come over and usually host others (we have no space either but that's part of the fun) and we wanted our children to wake up in their own home on Christmas morning and not worry about travelling anywhere. Go to his parents this year and tell both parents that from next year you are staying home for Christmas.

I am sorry you have had such a pasting OP.

I feel you haven't really given enough info on your OH's relationship with his parents. You have said he isn't bothered about it which most people seem to have ignored on here.

But are they not very nice? Did they used to beat him? Do they get into the spirit of Christmas. I can see why you don't want to miss your family Christmas to go a long way away for a mediocre time with people neither of you get on with.

Personally I would suggest the two of you see his parents at another time of year, or before or after Christmas and try and do it that way.

Hope it works out.

I see where you are coming from and felt the same when I was younger (Only child close to parents etc).However now that I am older, I see that an arrangement has to work both ways, or someone is missing out!.Your DP s family may live a long way away ,but although he may not be as "close" as you are to your family unless he has fallen out, may like to spend some time at Xmas with them!.Why not think of it as a little mini break .Staying in a different house ,new town ,Could go out for the day Boxing Day .New pubs to explore for Xmas Eve drinks!.

Why don`t you split the time ? a couple of hours with each family?.

So you're not going to post again because you didn't get the answers you wanted? Wow, I'm feeling more and more sorry for your DP.

My mum did this to my dad every Christmas. Had to be with her side, she'd kick off if he tried to suggest otherwise. His DM died and my poor dad couldn't even remember the last Christmas he spent with her, it had been so long. My mum is an abusive arsehole though.

Relationships are about compromise, I can't believe how obliviously selfish you are. Your posts just scream 'me me me' and to to hell with him and his (and his mothers) feelings.

In my experience, the important thing is NOT to do the same thing every Christmas. Otherwise, if you decide you'd like to do something different, it can become a grievance. Excellent advice. Unless there is a massive drip feed re MIL it does seem a bit U to always spend Christmas with your own parents. If you never spend Christmas with her you’ll never have Christmas traditions with her (or indeed any Christmas traditions that don’t involve your own family) OTOH you have no children and are not married so you go to yours and he can go to his like you did when you were kids. One of the markers of being a grown up is the realisation that Christmas is a about managing the expectations of everyone - it’s not a fuzzy festive film where you take centre stage and no one else’s feelings come into it.

I think it is selfish of you frankly. Why do your wants trump his? Building a relationship that will last takes compromise.

I'm afraid it's just part of growing up. If you have spent the last two christmases with your family it's time for a turn with his family. Simple as that.

You need to alternate. DC need to see fairness and have a relationship with your in laws.

He might have a better relationship with them if he spent every other Xmas at least with them.

I don't have strong emotional feelings about Christmas, or traditions, have done all sorts of different things for it over the years, and have many happy memories of some years, others were meh and some were shite but we're all still here! My own DC, now in their 20s have already spent some Christmases doing their own thing and I wasn't devastated, I was happy that they were well adjusted adults who were choosing to do what worked for them that year and we had other occasions together to catch up and be together.

All just seems a bit insular and immature to me, the world is not going to cave in if people do something different on one of the 365 days of the year!

Shedoesntevengohere55 - you live near your parents, you see them all the time, you have a good relationship with them. Time for you to grow up and have Christmas elsewhere. If the first time you spend Christmas with your partner's parents is when you've had kids, you've left it too late. You partner recognises it's something that needs to be done, now. Don't be dim and damage an already fragile relationship by being a massive baby who whines on about all the lovely traditions you will be missing out on.