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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Xmas with MY family?

371 replies

Shedoesntevengohere55 · 15/09/2019 20:12

Yes, having this debate already and it’s only September. Been with OH a few years, last couple of years we have spent Christmas at my parents’, as I have a very close knit family and they are also much nearer to where we live. OH doesn’t have the best relationship with his family but we do visit occasionally and it is always nice when we do. We have started having a debate already about as to whether we would go to his parents’ for Christmas this year. I really would be sad to miss Christmas with my family when we have such a lovely time and so many traditions with friends, neighbours etc. I am not planning to miss it - I think he will be agreeable about it again but it is becoming more and more of a point of tension as his mother particularly would like him at home.

For context we can’t host at ours, not nearly enough room. No children so that’s not a factor. Early 30s. Not enough holiday to be able to book a whole week off and combine the two.

I appreciate it may sound childish but I wouldn’t feel like it was Christmas unless I was with MY family.

When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me?? Maybe it changes if you have children?

OP posts:
hardyloveit · 16/09/2019 06:54

Sorry posted too soon. Can't you compromise and alternate each year?

HennyPennyHorror · 16/09/2019 06:58

You have to give and take.

My MIL had no Christmases with us for the first ten years of DH and my relationship as we lived in another country. Our DC had 8 years of Christmas with my family.

So now, every Christmas, we're at MIL's. I wouldn't mind a Christmas in my own home but we've lived in MIL's country for 3 years now and the fact is, she's so happy we're here, it's a small thing to do for someone who missed out for 8 years.

Just give in a bit. It's kinder.

cocomelon23 · 16/09/2019 07:00

Op you sound very selfish. If you have a ds in the future and he always ends up going to his in laws every single Xmas then you would be very very upset.

Napqueen1234 · 16/09/2019 07:00

If you expect to be together you should also take turns. Otherwise go independently. And bear in mind when you do have kids you will need to alternate or find a more fair arrangement. You sound a bit selfish and childish tbf you having ‘MY Christmas’ means he’s missing his normal Christmas every year.

Boysey45 · 16/09/2019 07:03

If you want your own way all the time its better to remain single and just see people. Not live with them in a relationship. You cant really have the its my way or the highway attitude in a relationship.
I think your being very selfish OP.

bluebird3 · 16/09/2019 07:04

I can understand your feelings op - I felt the same about not wanting to miss Christmas. It does suck and is sad to not be with your family but unfortunately I don't think there is a way around it. I think you could possibly insist on going your separate ways as you aren't married but that doesn't show yourself as a very generous person in your relationship.

And as for your mum being devastated - that's quite unfair of her as of course she'll be disappointed but she knows (as every parent does) that this time will come and surely she wants you to have a partner and family if that's what makes you happy?

The only way around it is if one family is happy to have their family Christmas on a different day to suit children/siblings in the same situation.

Goodlookingcreature · 16/09/2019 07:06

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MaybeitsMaybelline · 16/09/2019 07:06

Presumably your family is closer, so you spend many days a year with them. No one says you have to alternate years but once every three would be fairer and not unreasonable.

FairyDust92 · 16/09/2019 07:09

Christmas is always at my mums. We have a large family so my DP actually prefers it. We go see his parents in the morning but dinner is always at my mums. Boxing Day again is usually
At my family's. His family is quite small and they don't really bother with Christmas

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 16/09/2019 07:11

You are being really unfair here. You should alternate especially once you have kids.

Dongdingdong · 16/09/2019 07:13

I’m with you OP on this one. No way would I sack off my parents to go and spend Christmas with my partners family who he doesn’t really get along with.

This.

I also don’t understand the posters who’ve called out the OP and then said, if you spend it with DH’s family this year and it’s awful you never have to go again. Of course she’ll have to go again!

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 16/09/2019 07:18

Can you not get an invite for his parents to come with you to your family on Christmas Day? They can come and stay with you or put up in a nearby hotel. Win win for everyone?

SnuggyBuggy · 16/09/2019 07:18

Part of being in a serious long term relationship is compromising on Christmas. Me and DH definitely have different preferences and sometimes one of us doesn't get what we want depending on circumstances. I'm not a fan of rigid alternating and equality but you can't seriously expect to continue to have every Christmas at your family?

I'd ask yourself if you are ready to settle down with him.

I guess the other issue is his family that he doesn't get on with. Taking Christmas out of the equation are they bad enough for him to go NC or LC with. Are they people you could cope with as in laws?

Nc1737383 · 16/09/2019 07:19

This sound really OTT but I have a couple friends IRL who feel like this and I often worry if they have bigger detachment issues from their families. I love my parents and siblings but my main priority re: Christmas was to be with my OH from quite early on in our relationship. I’m building a life with him and that’s part of it. When you’re a grown up you need to start building your own family, which means saying goodbye to old traditions.

And I don’t think children = family. You can (and should IMO) be a family with your OH.

secondchapter · 16/09/2019 07:20

If they are a long drive away then Christmas is an ideal time to visit his family when presumably both of you have extra time off work. Go this year, next year make sure you save some leave so you can have a long weekend there near but not on Christmas.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 16/09/2019 07:27

In the nicest possible way, you need to grow up a bit.

You are an adult woman I assume?
You haven't mentioned being deeply religious and wanting to celebrate the birth of Christ as such, so you know that 25th Dec is just an invented date.

You could have your family Christmas on 26th, 27th December or the 1st of January/March/August if you want. If it's all about family, then being with them is what matters. I do it most years - grown up siblings in different places, nightmare to arrange so we tend to do something on a different date and have a family Christmas just as if it was the "real" date. It's still lovely.

Ragwort · 16/09/2019 07:28

I can't believe how immature people are about wanting to back 'home' for Christmas.... when I was first married I couldn't wait to host Christmas and invite everyone to us (& if you haven't got much room it can always be a special tea or something, doesn't have to be the full turkey & trimmings).

We then made sure we never had a regular 'tradition' at Christmas, we celebrated in lots of different ways.

I have an only child (a DS), I am determined not to emotionally blackmail him into thinking he needs to spend every Christmas with me.

PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2019 07:29

And I don’t think children = family. You can (and should IMO) be a family with your OH.

Absolutely. I hate the implication that you’re not a proper family until you’ve got kids. That doesn’t happen for everyone.

madcatladyforever · 16/09/2019 07:30

I'd sooner spend Xmas under a rock than go anywhere other than my own home.
However I think it's very mean not to consider your in laws on alternate years.
You should be inclusive.

LagunaBubbles · 16/09/2019 07:36

TheRLodger - we seem like a rare breed!!! blush sad

Nothing wrong with wanting to spend Christmas with your own parents. Everything wrong with being in a relationship and being selfish and not thinking of your partners feelings

berlinbabylon · 16/09/2019 07:36

I can only imagine what it would feel like if my son always had to prioritise his partner's family when he grows up. I'd be devastated

Way of life for many women with overbearing husbands.

I am an only child so we do prioritise my mum at Christmas as she'd otherwise have nobody, whereas MIL had four children and has six grandchildren. Everyone's circumstances are different. We do see DH's family at some point in December, just not Christmas Day.

However, I've already told ds that he should never feel that he has to spend Christmas with us. He's very welcome to go off to a gf's/wife's/friend's and we'll go away! It matters to my mum, it doesn't matter to me, I just see it as one day, there is far too much angst about it.

DramaFarmer · 16/09/2019 07:40

“When did you start going to the ‘in laws’ for Christmas, if at all, and does anyone feel the same as me??”

You are an adult.

Does Christmas infantilise people?

You are not a child with your Mum pretending to be Father Christmas.

It is a big cultural holiday and time of celebration and families. Why should your OH’s Mum miss out on seeing her son because you have more fun with neighbours?

She’s his Mum, that’s what is ‘fair’.

Be more flexible, find ways to make t fun at the , ILs, and don’t be so childish and selfish.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 16/09/2019 07:40

I understand how you must feel, but I do think you need to compromise. If this is someone you intend to spend your life with and raise children with, then it will be in everyone's best interests to nurture all the relationships, not just those with your family.

We live in the same state as my in-laws but across the country from my family. I have a much bigger and closer-knit family than my husband does, and Christmas is a big deal for my family. But we still do more or less one year with his then one year with mine (sometimes we do 2 in a row depending on international visitors, pregnancies etc) Of course it's sad for me and for my family when I'm not there, but that is life as everyone grows up and forms their own families.

ThursdayLastWeek · 16/09/2019 07:45

Your mum would be 'devastated'?
I wonder where you get your self centred attitude from?!

LAA2 · 16/09/2019 07:47

Having lost members of both of our families, we realise how precious time with them is. Spending Christmas with your family constantly every year prevents your husband making memories with his own family especially with his mum and personally, I don't think that is fair to him or her. Being together is about compromise. You should either arrange to see one side of the family another day, maybe new year or boxing day or he should go and spend christmas with his mum. If you are planning on being together for a long time, a missed christmas together once in a while isn't a big deal. We have had christmases where my husband has had to work, or I have been unwell and we haven't seen anyone. You need to find a compromise. Since we married, we have had christmas at home. Sometimes we cook for one of the sides of the family. We have children now and we don't take them out on the day but they video call everyone in our family. Both sets of grandparents pop over, one in the morning and the other on the evening. We also arrange a board games day at one of the houses and have a buffet, on one of the days around christmas. This is always a good day and the house changes each year around us and our siblings, so our parents have a day they can enjoy, without worrying about timings for dinner.

I hope you find a resolution. Christmas is a time for family and giving gifts and what better gift than putting your partner first