To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

[caraofthevelvetbluesea]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

I may be in the minority here but this would probably be a dealbreaker for me. With a man for 6 years, and living together, and supposed life partners, yet he keeps ALL the £80K to himself and lets me languish in my £5000 debt.

He sounds as tight arsed as fuck, and I would consider myself having dodged a bullet.

Sorry @caraofthevelvetbluesea but this would be it for me. He has shown you how much (or little!) he thinks of you.

The fact he has not married you yet shows how little you mean to him. You have no kids and separate finances so just run! Whenever I see a couple with separate finances, the man is almost always the higher earner, and having separate finances is usually HIS idea coz doesn't want to share his money. Fuck that!

And I can't believe some people are saying 'why should he pay off the OP's debts?' They are a couple and a family unit; so why is the pot not shared?? Why should he not help her? Some awful attitudes on this thread!

@ControversialFerret

But if you earn different amounts why are you paying 50/50? A fairer way to do it would be to split the bills proportionate to the difference in your earnings.

I don't understand how someone can love and care about you and at the same time be comfortable with seeing you financially struggle at the end of the month?

Yep this. ^ Pretty much what I think. It's disgusting that the OP's partner is earning way more than her but she is still paying half for everything. I am willing to bet she does more in the house too. (Housework/cooking/cleaning/shopping/washing etc...)

And yeah I WOULD say the same if the OP was a man. Except that's not very likely is it? Because women are rarely the higher earner, and even when they are, they are more likely to share. If the man is the higher earner, (which is more often than not,) he is way more likely to be tight-fisted and keep THEIR money to themselves.

I am pretty sure that many of the 62% who picked YABU would NOT be happy if their partner came into £80K, and didn't even offer a single penny to them, or offer to pay off their £5000 debt, or book a nice holiday abroad for them both. They all talk the talk, but in reality, they would be as miffed as the OP.

So you've been in a relationship with him for quite a while, you have a mortgage together and he earns double what you do. Everything is split 50/50 and he's put away his inheritance for himself. I'd see that as him not being particularly invested in the relationship to be honest. (More the 50/50 split than the inheritance)

I think if the OP had the inheritance she would be treating her partner. He does not think in the same way .
Admittedly it would be lovely to do that .

If anyone (partner, husband) considered that they deserved a "treat" that we could "both enjoy" as a result of my loss, I would probably end the relationship.

That. There has been nothing from the OP acknowledging his loss. In his position I'd just want to put the money away, and wait until the grief had lessened and I had time to think rationally about what to do with it. Having fun with it wouldn't even occur to me at that point.

I inherited 180k many years back. I paid off my brother's and cousin's debt ( around 10k), took my boyf to NYC and took my closest friends out to a swanky restaurant to say thank you for their help during lean times. We got engaged, I paid for the wedding and put the money towards a jointly owned property.

But then, my boyf was a high earner I already lived with him and paid nothing as he earned 8x my salary and it was his house.

I would leave your relationship.

Is your partner grief stricken OP?

I was given a bit of money. The decent thing is to share with other family members - could be a small amount that makes a big difference to someone else.
I'd be disappointed if my partner of 6 years did not share it - wouldn't be looking for loads, but something would be nice.

In his position I’d put it towards paying off the mortgage. I’d also treat my partner of ten years, but I wouldn’t consider it shared money. Paying the mortgage benefits both of you. This wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me but I’m in a similar position to you re finances and relationship. We largely keep our cash separate and it works for us, but we’re both generous with it in bountiful times too! I know if my partner inherited that kind of cash towards paying off our home.

What the hell is it with MN looking down on couples who aren’t married? A committed relationship with a joint mortgage and still scornful remarks ‘well you’re NOT married’
A lot of you have a bloody weird idea of marriage, separate finances, squirrelling money away whilst OH is struggling those aren’t partnerships, that’s two people sharing a house.

When DH and I first lived together we split everything 50/50 although we lived in the flat I owned, I was happy to pay the mortgage myself and had been but (then) DP pointed out he'd pay more in rent to live elsewhere. I earned about a third more than him then so possibly should've paid more of the bills, but I'm a natural saver and he isn't, he's not bad with money any more, I just seem to budget better. The extra money I earned all went into savings, which has ultimately become joint money since we got married, paid towards our house renovation, wedding etc so in the long run it's irrelevant if you know you're a partnership. He had £1500 on a CC racking up interest when we moved in together ten years ago, which against the will of MN I paid off straight away, and he dutifully paid back in under a year without accruing more interest. If you have a genuinely trusting relationship financial imbalance isn't a thing. I wouldn't expect a great but would give one in your partner's shoes maybe not a trip to New York thigh which seems like quite a big treat. After all if you're getting married that's for to be paid for and if you ever want children or will be nice to have that financial cushion and for it not to have been spent on holidays.

Bollocks to that! Not married or married, you're committed to a life together!

He should help you out with your 5k debt and discuss how to invest the rest.

@hiphopchick you can't have it both ways. Either he hadn't married her, therefore he isn't that committed and is not likely to pay off the debt, or they are a 'couple and a family unit' and he should help her.

The fact they aren't married would make it less likely for him to pay the debt. He could pay it off and she could say 'thanks, bye bye!' Not that I'm saying OP would do that, but not being married would make it far easier for her to walk away.

Honestly? Yes, YABU.

I think it is very shallow to feel that you need some sort of substantial “treat” such as a holiday. Some posters seem to suggest that if he loved you that he would automatically indulge you in this way- and if he does not he is either mean/tight-fisted or doesn’t care about you, so you’d be entitled to have a sulk or guilt trip him. I think that would be awful behaviour on your part OP. I think that simply not spending money on a holiday or substantial treat for you does not indicate he doesn’t value your relationship- unless he has history of being a poor partner in other ways to suggest a pattern of disrespectful or unkind behaviour.

Inheritance isn’t something everyone wants to fritter away (even if only a small percentage) on “treats” or holidays. I didn’t when I received a significant inheritance, I wanted to use it in a sensible and useful way. Boring, perhaps, but it is how I felt.

Depending on how the inheritance came about, perhaps he is still processing that- e.g. still grieving or upset about the person he lost and is not ready to spend it. Or perhaps the person who left him the legacy had expressed that it was to be spent on something useful or a specific purpose and he wants to respect that. Or it may even just be that he felt the person had worked very hard for what they had and he should respect that by using the money in a considered and sensible way?

If my Now DH (then DP) had been behaving the save way some posters are suggesting (“i’d have a face on me”, for example) I would have been very upset and quite annoyed- I think it would have changed how I saw him and may have affected our relationship. I’m not saying I would have ended it, but it would have given me doubts.

If your partner lost his job before getting the inheritance would you have been happy to pay for everything? Things like this are why he put the money away

Also could there be a clause in the will about the money

If you were on your own, honestly, would you be better or worse off financially?

Very good question there. I was in your position many years ago. My boyfriend was earning 4 times my salary, had paid his mortgages (yes, he had several houses) and his savings were 30 times mine. We were not living together but split things 50/50. He was considerate enough to lower his expenses/lifestyle so we could meet halfway but meeting him halfway was still a big struggle for me while I’m sure he felt, after a while, that I was holding him back.

So everything went to hell when he insisted we needed to buy a house “together” which required for me to sell my house, and put 100% of my equity towards the new house, he would put the same amount towards it pound for pound so we were 50/50.... which effectively meant I put absolutely everything I had while he invested 15% of his assets.

I can tell you OP after we broke up, it took me just three months to fully realise what I always suspected, that financially speaking, I was far better off on my own than sharing expenses 50/50 with him, and that it was costing ME a fortune to try to keep up with his train of non essential expenses.

Dh inherited some money (a lot less than in the OP if that makes a difference) and it didn't occur to me that he might treat me. It just sat there and then I inherited a bit. Now we need to do some essential home renovations so glad we have the money sitting there and didn't spend it on a trip to NY.

Sounds like you have different attitudes to money and that you are more of a spender, sorry! If you are living beyond your means, that is another issue. And credit card debt (unless 0% interest for the duration) is never a good idea. Can you find a better paying job and put those 2 degrees to use?

@Bookworm4 because marriage brings with it certain legal protections that living together doesn't and some people do think, rightly or wrongly, that being married shows a far greater commitment than just living together.

To me a mortgage is joint finances. It would be nice of him to clear your debt OP. Then you could at least save for a holiday together. I would do this if it were me, as it's a small amount of the inheritance.

There has been nothing from the OP acknowledging his loss

I noticed the same. It's possible of course that the bequest came from someone he wasn't close to - though that seems unlikely with £80k - but all the same I'd have thought there'd be something apart from a focus on the money

@Ginger1982
No need to be condescending I’m well aware of the difference, my point was the nasty attitudes on here towards unmarried couples as if those relationships don’t count and a woman has a cheek to expect to be treated equally. I see it repeatedly and it’s very unpleasant.

Book I honestly think some women feel superior if they're married. Look at the thread discussing alternatives.

In Australia defacto relationships are recognised by law...and a good thing too! It protects vulnerable people. Anyone who does not want to share assets needn't move in and have children with someone.

So you are a Gold-digger?

If my or DH’s inheritance actually materializes instead of being spent on elder care, it will go straight into our retirement fund or help pay for dd’s University education (because they have expressed a desire to help with that). Our parents saved that money their entire lives. I could never justify spending it on something fun. So I don’t think it is unreasonable that a person you are not legally bound to is putting his money into long term investments.

@henny
Agreed, come across plenty of them even more so when I divorced, treated as if you’re a leper or going to steal their manky husband 🤣🙄

@FuckFacePlatapus
Your name suits, hardly when her DP is tight as a drum, nasty comment.