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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
spongedog · 15/09/2019 23:18

Like many others on here I feel that there is quite a difference between you on money matters. You have incurred your debts on education, you are quite young, yet he earns more but isnt putting more into the pot. Sorry if I missed how old your DP is.

He easily could have paid off your small debt, but has chosen not to.

Thank god you are paying the mortgage.

But frankly I wouldnt recommend long term you having children or staying with this guy.

combatbarbie · 15/09/2019 23:19

Why do you also need to chat about chores???

MrsFezziwig · 15/09/2019 23:23

The problem is that presumably you took out a mortgage taking into account both your salaries, but his is greater than yours. So basically you’re paying half a mortgage which you don’t have the salary to afford. What you should have done was take out a mortgage as though he earned the same as you. That would be affordable and you would be able to make inroads into your debt.
What would happen to the house if you split up? Did one of you pay a deposit?

MissBPotter · 15/09/2019 23:26

I think the real issue is that you are struggling every month beause you are unfairly splitting things 50-50 when he earns way more. And you have a small debt. He should take on his fair share of the finances and make your life better for you.

However, you have realized that this is never going to happen and that he doesn’t care about you because he hasn’t considered you at all when coming in to this money.

I would maybe give him a bit of time to see if anything changes then walk away, I think his behaviour shoes that he doesn’t care very much, sorry OP.

Notajogger · 15/09/2019 23:28

The 50/50 bill split is unreasonable.

How is the mortgage set up? Proportional to what you put in?

I think when in your situation, earlier on in a relationship, I wouldn't have expected anything, but would hope for something small like a weekend away.

Now however being married and with DC, we are both assuming that inheritances we receive will be joint and will be used towards mortgage/next house when we need to move etc.

My DH stands to benefit a lot more than me from this arrangement as his family have very little money and mine have quite a lot more. But what would I do with big pots of cash which I'd just be sitting on for years as it was "mine"? Might as well do something useful for the family with it or put it towards our retirement, otherwise it's just numbers in a bank (depreciating in value what with crap interest, and inflation!).

Genuine question for some pps who have said that they keep their inheritances separate from their spouses - what do you do with it?

Savings in your own name, fine - but then what? At some point you'll be spending it on something, whether that's retirement or house deposit for the kids etc - I'd consider that to be "joint" spending anyway. What are you doing/planning to do with that money which is solely for your use?

Ginger1982 · 15/09/2019 23:30

@Bookworm4 I wasn't intending to be condescending. Sorry if you took it that way.

Gollyfot · 15/09/2019 23:40

U are being unreasonable.

It also sounds like he is more sensible with his money than you are

Emmapeeler · 15/09/2019 23:50

My husband has inherited money here and there since I got together with him and it’s also basically gone into the mortgage/savings etc. He did lend me £5K to pay off my credit card (when we weren’t married) though as to him it didn’t make sense me paying a bank when he could help me out. I just forgot about the inheritance tbh as it’s his money, though it’s helped me live somewhere nice for less mortgage.

Userzzzzz · 15/09/2019 23:52

If you’re married it would be different but he is just being sensible and trying to make sure that £80k isn’t frittered away.

Emmapeeler · 15/09/2019 23:55

Just seen though that he earns more and yet you are paying 50/50 towards your house etc. I agree with pp that this doesn’t sound right. It should be proportionate imo.

Bananashake · 16/09/2019 00:05

Everyone talking about sharing etc he isn't spending it on himself either he us saving it. I would agree if he was buying himself stuff he's not, so it says nothing about your relationship, he's just a saver.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/09/2019 00:10

It’s a fair point that he’s not spending it either. Someone close to him has died. Maybe he needs some time to even think about it.

vavavoomdeboom · 16/09/2019 00:11

This is what happens when you play house. It's a half sort of commitment having a mortgage but vague on finances.

You're not married (which I view as what its meant to be, a legal contract of commitment) so there is no joint pot.

BuggersMuddle · 16/09/2019 00:21

vavavoomdeboom but you don't need to 'play' house.

I bought with then DP in mid twenties and we were very clear on what we were putting in as deposit, had guidance on the risks and agreed on a split that suited us (in our case, we're both working equally, everyone has same spends per month). Marriage gives protection and I wouldn't take away from that (we're now married), but you can still agree a fair arrangement without marriage. This doesn't sound very fair unless you're flatmates.

1300cakes · 16/09/2019 02:33

I would personally see it as 50% my DPs, which wouldn’t mean I would give him 40k it would mean we would both benefit from it almost equally....

I would feel the same as this ^. I've received an inheritance and I invested it. Of course, the returns will be for us both. But I wouldn't write a cheque for half and wave my DH off to new York (while I attend dgms funeral alone).

Re taking a trip. It sounds like even without the inheritance, he has plenty of money. So you could take a trip any time if that's what you both agree on. Why does it have to be with this particular money and at this particular time that you go? If you feel that you would like to take a trip with him, why not discuss that separately?

MarthasGinYard · 16/09/2019 02:56

Op

We've been together over 12 years and have a dc together. DP inherited almost double what yours has a few years ago and still has it sitting there. Hasn't paid anything off mortgage. He has paid for holidays and given
me a reasonably small amount to pay off my overdraft but he see's it as his. We have totally different ideas etc, first thing I'd have done would be clear half the mortgage.

We've had a rocky time though. I think he fears paying off the house as he knows then it would go in the 'our' pot as we owe jointly.

It's hard, but don't let it eat away at you. I would speak to him re sorting those bills more fairly though.

mathanxiety · 16/09/2019 03:28

Bookworm4 it's not a case of looking down on partners who cohabit and are not married.

In English law common law marriage is not recognised. The rights that married women and men have vis a visa, for instance, a family home, do not exist for individuals living together but not married.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 16/09/2019 03:37

The inheritance isn't the point, it's just prompted you to think about your relationship from a financial perspective.

You and DP are on very different pages here.

Personally I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with someone who earned double what I did but still expected me to pay 50/50. I've been the higher earner in my relationship, one of the best parts about that spare money was enjoying it with my DP and making decisions about how that money would enhance our future. Now DH is the higher earner in our relationship and he likes that his salary makes my life better.

Your DP has a lot of spare money, but is choosing not to spend it on you.

Some people would be fine with that. I wouldn't be. I would find it hurtful and it would make me less trusting of my DP.

In a long term relationship, most people would expect to be a team. To be building a life together, to have someone who will take care of you should you need it.

Talk to your DP about money as a whole. If you can't get on the same page then break up. You don't want to go further down this road with a man who is miserly towards you.

Waveysnail · 16/09/2019 03:42

I would at least expect a chunk off the mortgage with proviso if you split hangers his money from the house

RantyAnty · 16/09/2019 04:15

OP I feel a bit sad for you.
You're paying 50/50 while he makes double and he's allowed you to do that for 6 years as it has never occurred to him how unfair it was.

Even without the inheritance, he'd clearly have a lot more after and more to save. He could have easily helped you with the 5000 during the past few years, instead of watching your struggle.

I would certainly pay the debt for my DP (not if it was gambling, other frivolous overspending) because I care about them and would want to lift that burden from them. It would make me feel relieved and bring joy to see them get the relief and have more at the end of the month.

He just seems tight and mean doing this. No, I wouldn't expect from his inheritance but it doesn't sound like he's been all that generous in the first place.

I wouldn't know what the point would be to buy a house with someone and live with them, if neither person wanted to share and it ended up like flatmates who have sex.

SnowsInWater · 16/09/2019 04:27

Tbh even though I don't think sharing bills 50:50 is very fair in your situation, what it does mean is that if you split he cannot argue for a greater share of anything on the basis of having put more in so it's not all bad.

I struggle with the idea of separate finances in committed relationships and it would never have occurred to be to view a decent inheritance I received as mine alone, it got used for the benefit of the family, but I know a lot of people on here see it as normal. I used to run marriage prep courses for engaged couples and one of the things we did was to five the couples a chance to discuss their attitudes to money. It was amazing the number of people who had never had this conversation before, even though most of them were living together.

blackcat86 · 16/09/2019 06:17

Is it 50/50 financial split because he's better with money and feels put upon? He may just be a selfish arsehole but as DH didnt feel he needed to contribute anymore financially when I was on ML and then PT, I certainly wont be paying more for bills if I get a higher paid FT job I've applied for. I think there would need to be a bit more context to know if its unfair.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/09/2019 07:10

If the house is joint though why should he pay more? It would be different if it was his alone or he owned a greater share but it doesn’t sound like it is. He would lose out in the event of a split.

The OP has no commitments so can work as she pleases so can really go for her career, take a second job etc if she needs more money for debt.

He is wise to save the money, you both sound young and he may need in the future.

Bookworm4 · 16/09/2019 07:11

@mathanxiety
I’m not talking about legalities, it’s the scornful comments of ‘well your not married’ as if the relationship is some casual thing despite the length, shared mortgage. There are comments like this littering MN, smug married twats looking down their nose at people even if the relationship is older than their marriage, it’s very unpleasant to see.

LolaSmiles · 16/09/2019 07:27

I’m not talking about legalities, it’s the scornful comments of ‘well your not married’ as if the relationship is some casual thing despite the length, shared mortgage. There are comments like this littering MN, smug married twats looking down their nose at people even if the relationship is older than their marriage, it’s very unpleasant to see.
Except most of the time people comment on marital status on MN the very point of the comment is precisely that the couple have chosen not to enter into the legal contract of marriage with all the responsibilities and protections it affords.

Usually when marital status is spoken of it is precisely to do with finances, giving up work, names on assets and who should pay what into assets with different names on them, inheritance, pensions and so on.

There is a real thing on MN of people thinking that cohabiting and marriage should be the same. There's a thread every few weeks where someone, usually a woman who earns less than her DP, argues that marital rights should be forced on couples after a set period of time. Many people, correctly, point out that it's up to individuals to freely enter into whatever legal agreement they wish and if men and some women are more than capable of getting informed and making informed choices then there's no reason anyone else can't.

In the OP's situation, neither of them have signed the contract to say everything is joint, they have not combined finances and are on different pages to do with money (eg he wants to save his inheritance and she wants a holiday).
It may be nice to hope for a little something, but he's not even got himself a little something and she's mentally spending his recently deceased relative's money.