To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

[caraofthevelvetbluesea]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

That's very mean. Even a holiday wouldn't make a big dent! YANBU

I think it's fucking tight not to treat the person you're supposed to love to even a little something when you've just received £80k.

I think you are thinking from your point of view, if it happened to you then you'd want to take him away which isn't a bad thing, but I wouldn't be disappointed that he hasn't, maybe he doesn't want to yet, maybe he is saving it for a wedding/honeymoon. Like others have said prob a lot of emotions attached atm too. Did he know he was going to inherit all this money? Most people would never have had such a big lump sum at once like that and maybe doesn't know what he wants to do yet

He's investing money. How is that selfish? It's sensible. Obviously helping you pay off your high interest credit card debt would be good, but maybe he resents you for incurring it.

If anyone (partner, husband) considered that they deserved a "treat" that we could "both enjoy" as a result of my loss, I would probably end the relationship
This
Agree with the sense of obligation, re spending wisely. Maybe this was some one close and their entire life savings. I can imagine the recipient wanting to spend it wisely and not frivolously.
This.

It's all well and good people bleating on about how kind it would be to pay off OP's debts or go on a fancy trip as a treat, but most people don't get inheritance following a loss and then think "right so I'll use my recently deceased relative's money to clear DP'd debt from their choice to go to uni and live somewhere with high living costs and then I'll pay for us to jet off to New York because they deserve a treat".

As others have said the obvious thing to do with the inheritance would be to pay the mortgage down. Is he not doing this because the mortgage is in both your names? That would be a red flag for me.
It absolutely isn't a logical thing to do if not married as it means that he's effectively handing over 50% of his inheritance to someone he doesn't share finances with and has chosen not to enter into a legal contract with.
It's only a red flag if you're someone not in a legal agreement who thinks the person should hand them a cheque for half their dead relative's assets.

If anything I'd be running a million miles away from anyone who expected that.

I'd be less worried about the inheritance OP and more worried about the 50/50 split despite a huge discrepancy in income.

I've no idea what you both earn, but if you are managing 50% of the bills without increasing the debt, I would have thought it wouldn't take much sacrifice on his part to pay a little more (on a month by month basis) to allow you to service your debt more effectively.

Now DH and I knew several couples in our 20s who lived very different lifestyles within a relationship and always found it rather odd. I don't know if that's the case for you, or if he's just stashing away his unspent cash each month because he's massively tight.

I agree completely with @LolaSmiles. Maybe it’s also the fact it’s inheritance - both my DH and I have inherited similar (and in DH’s case much larger) sums in the last couple of years. Neither of us bought anything for ourselves and invested it all or paid for maintenance. The investments are joint (or 50:50 for our ISAs) but we are married - I wouldn’t expect anything from a partner nor would I have given him any of my inheritance had we not been married.

I'm so saddened at people who are talking about "rights" to the money. Of course OP doesn't have a "right", but what has happened to kindness?

I agree it's a shame, but perhaps in an age of entitlement some have come to feel that they're only too easily screwed over?

As so many PPs have said, you only have to look at the glaring double standards on MN to understand that men in particular might think this way. Of course, some are pretty good at screwing partners over themselves ... but then, so are some women

I should add “maintenance” of the house. Not child maintenance! The point being we didn’t do anything “fun” with the money, not even a fancy bottle of wine.

JustOneSquareofDarkChocolate
I think it depends on your attitude to money. I'm similar to you.
DH and I agreed any inheritance (or family gifts of a good size) is for the beneficiary to decide what happens with but we will discuss family priorities. We own a house together and are married. We have similar expectations and are on the same page with money.

If we weren't married and didn't have shared finances then I would feel exceptionally awkward expecting to profit from any inheritance from a partner (which is what it would be if I told them they should pay out mortgage down). That's theirs to use as they see fit.

If I was on a different financial page to a partner and they expected me to fund some treats for them and holidays and started saying the thought of being debt free was amazing for them, they said my decision not to spend my inheritance was hoarding, then that would highlight that our financial differences were as much attitude driven than numerical value differences and it would leave me evaluating the relationship.

Differences in attitudes towards money is one of the key reasons couples divorce, so it's worth ironing out any differences before making a longer term commitment. The different responses on this thread show the posters' different attitudes to money. Let's take me and two of my friends as an example:

Me - If I got an inheritance I'd put it all straight into savings or think about paying off the mortgage.

Friend A - She'd blow some on treats and put the rest into savings or investments.

Friend B - She'd blow the lot extravagantly.

So what happens if the people above have to share finances? They argue, that's what, or they get resentful, because they have different attitudes.

I'm not saying marriage can't work if you're not with the same financial type, but you need to be open about your different financial attitudes and learn to compromise if you're going to share finances.

You're not wrong and he's not wrong, you're just different.

BUT I do think you need to point out to him that watching you struggle to pay 50:50 (and pay off debts) when he earns double and you're supposed to be a partnership is waaaaay over on the stingy side! And you might need to ask yourself whether you want to stay long term with someone who isn't generous to his partner or willing to share his money and lifestyle.

Both mine and dhs parents died and left us small amounts. There was no question of ant hoarding for either of us. Dh paid our cards off and we decided to use the rest on a conservatory and a family holiday and mine (recent :( ) is being used on a new kitchen and bathroom and things we know mum would want us all to have. We are a unit and make decisons together

DH just inherited ~£120k and I’ve asked him for nothing. I am paying back debt from my early 20s through Step Change and I have car repayments to make - both my problem. My debt is not his issue.

He only inherited the money because his mum died and so he took her place (for want of a better word) when his grandparents then died. He’s hardly clicking his heels about being in that position so it’s not for me to expect him to fund treats and holidays.

It sounds like he is saving it rather than "hoarding" in. Whilst it would be lovely to take a trip to N.Y. that may not be top of his priorities right now and what about when Christmas rolls around, would you expect something above and beyond then? I inherited a similar around of money a few years ago, my partner expected nothing from me and once I had gotten my head around it all, I invested it in us. He has choices to make and you should respect his decision rather than let it come between you. If you don't like what he is doing and resent it then you need to think about your future and finances together

Lepetitpiggy, I think that’s what real teams/partnerships are about, you leave the mine/yours thing at the door and use resources to benefit the whole team.

Hi OP

I guess it's a question of are you dating or is this a relationship

If you're dating which your updates suggest you are then I dont think you could be annoyed.

However after 6 years I would expect a bit more

To me a relationship is like a partnership. I just dont personally see how it can work if one person earns twice what the other does and is happy to let their partner pay half of everything to the extent that they are in debt and struggling while presumably he has disposable income left over to spend on treats and hobbies etc. Most people on here, going by similar threads, split bills in proportion to what they contribute or split them so they have the same amount of disposable income each month.

I dont think it's so much the inheritance as general attitude to money and your relationship. Whatever he spends it on, it sounds like he is going to decide on his own, it's going to be for his benefit, and you are still going to be left struggling.

If you were on your own, honestly, would you be better or worse off financially (when you take into account each others tastes and things like going away together and where you stay etc). If you would be better off on your own (if you would stay in a much smaller apartment in a less sought after area and go out for meals and away for the weekend less and have a single person discount on council tax and live closer to work etc) I would seriously reconsider this relationship. One if the benefits of being in a relationship is pooling your resources, neither of your should be worse off by being with the other one but it sounds like you might be, and after 6 years that's not right

Why are people saying that OP shouldn't expect anything because they're not married and don't share finances? They share a mortgage. If they were married and shared a mortgage then that would be ok would it? It seems very old fashioned to me. He should discuss with you what to do with the money. Could it go towards the mortgage for example etc etc. I think he's acting like he's single tbh.

When I was 26 I’d had the same boyfriend for 5 years, so just s little less longer than you. I too had debts from studying, but was working hard and also earning well.

• it would never have occurred to me at that age to enter into a 50-50 split of finances with that boyfriend if he were earning double me. If he hadn’t offered to pay more, or agreed to live somewhere we could both afford comfortably, I would have walked away

• I never would have not aimed for marriage, although I concede i totally wasn’t ready for it. Surely you know by now how fucked you could be if you had a child and then split up?

• never, ever would I have felt entitled to any of an inheritance that boyfriend received! Bloody hell OP! Someone he was close enough to to receive 80K from just died. You’re 26, just setting out in life, have a mortgage and debts, and you want him to spend some of that on a trip to NY??! I’m afraid that’s cliched millennial thinking right there, not far off the avocado toast trope

I would definitely have a conversation about finances. But be ready for it, as money talk can raise a “it’s this or nothing” replies from the higher earner. It really goes to the root of what a couple think of each other, especially when it’s the woman who’s the lower earner.

Don’t marry him. He doesn’t see you as an equal partner, he sees you as flatmate he has sex with and who does his share of the chores.

Do you own equal shares of the property you live in?

He earns double you and bills 50/50.? That's totally unfair ,if you a couple I would expect to pay a % relative to earnings. So he would be paying twice what u pay. To be honest he sounds mean to me and it's a horrible trait to have being stingy with money, if of told him to sling his hook long ago if I'm honest

So what if you aren't married . He loves you right ??

When I have had any sort of windfall (I've also inherited money a couple of times ) I've immediately shared it or chucked it into the general pot.

So weird how technical Mumsnet gets about marriage. This is about love and a long term commitment and sharing pleasure together.

I would also immediately pay off a small debt like five grand before saving the rest

Inheritance- if his saving it for a rainy day then totally understand.

But I find it odd that he earns double what you do but yet you pay 50:50?

My husband earned less than me and I always paid more into the pot than him. Why? Because we are a partnership.

When my husband inherited £ we used it for us both and saved some. When my dad gave me money we paid some £ off the mortgage

It just doesn’t sounds like you are working as a partnership.

@amusedbush I can't get my head round that. If you have debt problems and your husband has that much money it's literally crazy that he doesn't immediately pay it off.

How is the rest of your relationship? Have you sat down and spoken about your finances before? Maybe as hes got it do easy he just hasnt given it much thought that your financial arrangement is unfair.

I can't imagine earning twice what my partner earned and expecting them to pay half of everything, know they have debt to pay off but not help or treat them a bit when I got a windfall.

**Money is made round to go around, not flat to pile up!

Umm. Bank notes are flat..?

OP, I think YABU, it’s his inheritance and therefore completely up to him what happens to it. Maybe he suspects that using it for treats / paying off small debts will escalate and it will be seen as a fund to dip into going forward.

If I received that amount I would do the same and stick it away for the future and carry on as I am.