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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

409 replies

caraofthevelvetbluesea · 15/09/2019 17:57

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

OP posts:
LillianGish · 15/09/2019 19:57

Mmmm - I think he's telling you what stage your relationship is at. You have a mortgage together, but you are not married and he is keeping finances separate. He's still hedging his bets. It's entirely up to him what he does with his money obviously, you have no right to expect anything, but if he were seeing your future together I'd be expecting him to pay off your debts (which will be costing more than he can earn in interest). I think the fact that that you think he should blow it on an extravagant trip may explain why you are not on the same page.

Evilspiritgin · 15/09/2019 19:59

If I got in a relationship with someone who earned less than me and had debts to bloody right would I make sure everything was 50/50

On mn a woman who has had a gift of money = make sure you keep money for yourself and have a runaway fund

A man same situation = he’s an arse, a tightwad, he doesn’t respect you

Rainbowknickers · 15/09/2019 20:02

My fella got some money when his nan died (5k)
He got straight on the net and bought me some boots I’d been after for ages but couldn’t afford the £70 they cost
He also bought me some other bits and bobs I wanted and he’s put the rest away
I didn’t ask for any of this stuff

Stoic123 · 15/09/2019 20:02

With those who say proportionate bills would be much fairer-say 66/33. My brother has just moved in with girlfriend of 2 years and, as he earns substantially more, covers 75% of rent/bills.

If fairer split, you’d have some headroom to clear debts and save for your own treats. Agree inheritance is his to do with as he wants.

I’d also pick up on the unequal housework bit ASAP.

fluffyjumper · 15/09/2019 20:06

If I inherited that amount I would be paying off mortgage or putting it into a savings account. If you have little money left each month it does suggest you have little or no savings so it seems very sensible to save it. Holidays and treats are nice but a stable and secure financial future is more important to me. But that's just my own view.

CaptSkippy · 15/09/2019 20:09

To those saying 50/50 is perfectly reasonable, I'd say it would be if they lived some place they could both afford. That is not the case, so they either have to move to a more reasonably priced place, change the split percentage or OP has to move out to a place she can afford.

But as it stands, the current situation is completely unreasonable.

Bowerbird5 · 15/09/2019 20:09

DH didn't share his inheritance with me. So years later I haven't with him and I have had two and way more than him.Grin I helped one of my kids buy a house and have enough for the other two when they are ready. I had helped eldest with my savings.

I wanted to take the kids on a holiday to where I used to live with the possibility of going back there but he wouldn't years later he did could for a holiday with the youngest and realised his mistake.I was a bitch and reminded him we could have been living there with wall to wall sunshine and sun, sea and surf and lots of sport opportunities for the boys. I invested the rest of the first and the second is just in the bank at present as I was hoping to buy a small holiday retreat so my family could use it too and everyone would always be able to have a holiday for free each year. I eventually found just the right one but due to sudden interest needed about £10,000 more and he wouldn't give me it. So now what his is his and whats mine is mine. one day I will find something else meanwhile the house with my son has nearly doubled.

So if he doesn't share then don't share with him is my advice.

Savingforarainyday · 15/09/2019 20:11

But I suspect you're actually getting hung up on this issue because you can't deal with the real issue, which is that he sees this as a flatshare, and you see it as a step towards marriage

Yes...

I'm so saddened at people who are talking about "rights" to the money.
Of course OP doesn't have a "right", but what has happened to kindness?

I can remember being a kid and finding money on the ground. My best friend and I went to the shop and split it on a treat.

I too would be concerned about a person who is happy to see his partner struggle- especially given the reasons why she is in debt, and why she hasn't yet been able to pay them off.

Okmama · 15/09/2019 20:12

DP recently inherited £30,000 from his nan passing. He put 20k into savings, 5k paid off the debt (some just my personal debt.) He gave me 1k to get some new things for the house, spent some (a lot) on the kids & spent the rest on what ever he fancied.

Although I never expected it, I suppose I would of been a bit peeved if he said he was putting it all away. You don’t inherit large amounts of money every day, so I think having fun with a small part of it is good. So in my opinion YANBU.

Bowerbird5 · 15/09/2019 20:12

oops sorry about the typos Wine

AnneKipanki · 15/09/2019 20:13

Not RTFT but LTB now .

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 15/09/2019 20:17

I do not like tight wads, really I think it’s nice to share, If I got a wedge like that the first thing I would do is treat family and Of course my other half!

IdiotInDisguise · 15/09/2019 20:25

I really don’t understand when people say “it is his money” after such a long relationship and a mortgage together. I think you need to be really equalitarian and put as much of your money into this relationship as he is, because it is not only about getting a stupid “threat” from time to time.

So it works like this, you both split everything fairly according to your incomes. Ie. Mortgage is 15% of the joint income, so you each put 15% of your salaries, same applies for holidays and other stuff that comes from savings.

Honestly OP, if you were not married to this man everybody would be telling you you’ve got a cocklodger. You shouldn’t be 50/50 if there is such a disparity of income/savings.

coco123456789 · 15/09/2019 20:26

You are only 26. So much ahead of you, now is not the time to be splashing the cash on extravagant holidays. Why do you think you deserve fancy stuff that you can’t afford? It’s not mean to not fritter money on extravagant holidays. Plenty of people who can afford to go on posh holidays don’t because they don’t want to waste their money. That doesn’t make them mean.

IamWaggingBrenda · 15/09/2019 20:27

I would say he’s actually being prudent, and planning for his / your future.

IdiotInDisguise · 15/09/2019 20:29

26? Just 26 and no children??? This is THE time to splash the cash on extravagant holidays! You cannot get a nice decent one once the kids arrive! (Even if you can afford it)

Applejack5 · 15/09/2019 20:29

In your partner's position I would pay off your £5k debt from the inheritance, but I would also be paying a larger proportion of the bills.

You've been together 6 years and have a mortgage and talk of marriage. If he is serious about that then your finances will be joint anyway, so why is he happy to see you in debt and paying 50% of the bills when his income is much higher than yours? It's not like you've incurred your debt through frivolous spending either.

I'm not sure that he's being unreasonable to not spend money on a holiday etc. but it seems his general attitude towards you and your joint finances are unreasonable.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 15/09/2019 20:30

I'm very close to my DM who will be 90 on her next birthday and in good health, mentally and physically. I'm realistic enough to realise that she won't be around forever but I will be devastated when something happens to her. She was widowed last year and is very comfortably off.

If anyone (partner, husband) considered that they deserved a "treat" that we could "both enjoy" as a result of my loss, I would probably end the relationship.

Lvsel · 15/09/2019 20:32

Nope his

whittingtonmum · 15/09/2019 20:33

Apologies for not reading the entire thread but clearly the issue here isn't that you are not getting a one-off treat but your finances are set up unfairly. In a committed relationship I'd expect a split on joint bills and outgoings based on your different salaries - not a 50:50 split.

As others have said the obvious thing to do with the inheritance would be to pay the mortgage down. Is he not doing this because the mortgage is in both your names? That would be a red flag for me.

I think you need to sit down and decide if you want this relationship to go further and if yes have joint finances and possibly get married.

If after six years there is no commitment for this you need to look at the relationship and also how you can get yourself into a financially better position.

But forget the "he's not offereing me a treat" that's not the problem.

beepbeeprichie · 15/09/2019 20:33

I enjoy all the comments about “well you’re not married” Hmm
YANBU OP. Remember this. You’re good enough to have a mortgage with and split costs 50/50 but no more. He is showing you who he is right now. Believe him. Might be time to move on.
I recently came into a small sum of money. My DH (obviously being married makes all the difference HmmHmm) had had his eye on some new shoes. I treated him. Because I love him. And we are partners in life.

MaryBerriesNiece · 15/09/2019 20:35

If anyone (partner, husband) considered that they deserved a "treat" that we could "both enjoy" as a result of my loss, I would probably end the relationship.

Exactly.

SandraOhshair · 15/09/2019 20:36

Agree with the sense of obligation, re spending wisely. Maybe this was some one close and their entire life savings. I can imagine the recipient wanting to spend it wisely and not frivolously.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/09/2019 20:37

Also a conversation about sharing housework would be good but that’s another story...

It sounds like another branch of the same story to me.

By the way, whether marriage is "for you" or not, if you decide to have children with Mr Tightarse, for god's sake get married first. You don't need a fat white dress and a church, just sign the piece of paper.

LeZa · 15/09/2019 20:38

Hi OP I don't think you are being unreasonable...the fact that you have a mortgage together shows that the relationship is a long term relationship and is a big commitment together. When I first moved in with my DH (we weren't married at that point) I had some credit card debts and he paid the rent for the first 7 months while I paid my debts off and once I had paid my debts off I paid my share of the rent....we also agreed that he would pay a larger part of the rent and bills because he earned significantly more than I did. Definitely think you need to have a conversation about splitting the rent/bills more fairly seen as you earn less x

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