To be annoyed that partner is hoarding his inheritance money

[caraofthevelvetbluesea]

I really don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not so would be good to get views on this. For context, though not sure if this is even really relevant - partner and I have been together for 6 years, have a mortgage together and have spoken about marriage. He is not in any debt at all apart from the mortgage, and I’ve got about £5k in credit card debt. I’d say our spending habits are the same but he earns double me, though we both work full time.

He has recently inherited £80k. I asked him what he would be doing with the money and he is putting all of it into a savings account or into stocks/shares. I absolutely didn’t expect him to just give me a wad of cash to go wild with as I understand it’s HIS money to do whatever with, but AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn’t want to spend any of it at all on any sort of shared experience that we could both enjoy? We don’t have a lot of money left to spend each month, especially me as I’m trying to pay my credit card debts off, and I wish he’d just say (for example), “we’re going to New York!!!”

Or just surprise me with something similar. He could still save 95% of his money as he sees fit. I just feel upset as I struggle each month with credit card repayments and meanwhile he will have huge sums in the bank.

I’ve said nothing as don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to be honest, please can you honestly tell me what your expectations would be if this was you?

If the house is joint though why should he pay more? It would be different if it was his alone or he owned a greater share but it doesn’t sound like it is. He would lose out in the event of a split

They could adjust the remainder of the bills - so pay 50/50 on the mortgage, but him cover more of the utilities etc., to reflect the fact that he's the greater earner.

Again, I find it baffling that you can be in a partnership where you love someone, and yet are happy to watch them struggle financially whilst you have money to spare and save at the end of every month. It seems so unequal.

I don't understand why you're paying the bills 50/50, shouldn't it be proportionate to your earnings?

Inheritance isn’t to be spent but saved for the future

Says who? What's the point of hoarding money, whatever the source? Retirement? Might not live that long.
Care home fees? Ditto, or might just be lucky and not need a care home.
Deposit for kids? Ok, have done the same myself.

But it should also make a difference to your life. Generally the point of someone leaving you money is to make a difference to you. (you meaning you and your family unless you are in an abusive relationship and the money gives you the means to get out of that relationship). Otherwise they might as well have left it to the cats' home. And interest rates are so low at the moment. you might as well get some enjoyment from money.The compound interest thing certainly doesn't hold true at the moment, peanuts on peanuts.

I imagine his relative worked their entire life to save that amount and he doesn’t want to squander it on something frivolous. A lot of subconscious obligations come with inheritance - this is a nest egg for the future. And no, you are not married so it’s not yours. Even if you were married he can choose to keep it separate. He isn’t just a cashpoint.

I'd be having a hard think about whether the cost of living would be better on my own, and if I had less housework too - given he doesn't seem to be splitting that equally either. I don't think you're onto a winner with this one.

How did you get into debt and how did this inheritance come about ?

I think as your finances are clearly separate it's not in any way unreasonable that he doesn't want to use his money to pay off your debts.
That said, I am surprised that he hasn't suggested spending up to a couple of thousand of it on a holiday or doing something nice together. Perhaps he has other plans for it? We inherited £50k three years ago and haven't touched so much as a penny yet, as we're saving for an extension.

@berlinbabylon
I’m in shock. You really think it Is useless to save for retirement and long term care because you “might not live that long”?! That is a very irresponsible attitude to take which you will regret when scraping by on a measly state pension in forty years or so. If you’d looked at the remaining life expectancy for someone your age, you’d see it’s a minuscule chance you will die before age 67.

And I cannot believe you seriously think that £80k would just be stuffed in a regular savings account with 0.2% interest. It would be invested and have returns closer to 8%pa on average.

Your entire post just screams someone who has no idea how to manage their finances. So of course you advise spending it. It’s one of the mentalities that keep people in poverty tbh.

But it should also make a difference to your life. Generally the point of someone leaving you money is to make a difference to you. (you meaning you and your family unless you are in an abusive relationship and the money gives you the means to get out of that relationship). Otherwise they might as well have left it to the cats' home
That doesn't mean it has to be spent immediately and it certainly doesn't mean it has to be spent clearing someone else's debts and taking them on an expensive holiday.

Saving inheritance for the future so that it can be used at point where it will make a real difference and the person is ready to spend it is a very sensible thing to do.

I'm surprised how many people on this thread seem to think inheritance = treats, paying off other people's debt, spending it quickly to pay off the mortgage

@Lolasmiles
“In the OP's situation, neither of them have signed the contract to say everything is joint, they have not combined finances and are on different pages to do with money (eg he wants to save his inheritance and she wants a holiday).
It may be nice to hope for a little something, but he's not even got himself a little something and she's mentally spending his recently deceased relative's money.”

Loved you entire post!

Totally agree with bookworm. Smug marrieds looking down on mere girlfriends.

I'm not married, been cohabiting for twenty years. If wither of us came into a chunk of money but didn't treat the other it would be a bloody sad day. I remember DP getting a bonus many years ago and treating me to a fabulous little suitcase (Kipling, still got it, lifetime investment).

Completely weird to think you'd only do this if you were married. People who love each other, treat each other.

Thanks doctor

I think people are missing the fact that different people have different attitudes to money and finances and just because someone does it differently doesn't make them wrong.

Some people are spenders, others are savers, some want a rainy day fund, some live in the moment. Some people join finances after 2 months dating, other married couples I know have separate accounts for life and arrange their spending accordingly, some people would take an inheritance and burn through it to pay the mortgage off, others may want to create a financial cushion for the kids to future kids, others might want it in savings for a future situation, others might use it to get themselves out of a pickle, others might use it to retrain, others might donate some to family. They're all valid.

With no marital contract and separate finances mentally considering how great having no debt would be (paid for by recently deceased relative), how you want a treat such as going to New York (paid for by recently deceased relative) and seeking your partner to be hoarding for not spending the money is quite a bizarre response to me. I feel quite awkward just reading replies about how people would have a face on them if they weren't bought a treat.

My question would be how you split your outgoings if your partner earns twice as much as you, as this would be the most equitable way of addressing things. DH and I have our salaries paid into our own accounts and have a monthly standing order into a joint account that covers all our outgoings. The monthly transfer is pro rata based on our salaries, for eg if I earned £40k and DH £60k, our contribution would be split 60:40. Every time one of us has a pay rise or promotion we adjust our contributions. If he won’t play fair, don’t have children with him.

40:60 me:him, to be clear

I'm not married, been cohabiting for twenty years. If wither of us came into a chunk of money but didn't treat the other it would be a bloody sad day. I remember DP getting a bonus many years ago and treating me to a fabulous little suitcase (Kipling, still got it, lifetime investment).

Completely weird to think you'd only do this if you were married. People who love each other, treat each other.
And that's fine if you're the sort of couple who are both on the same financial page.

DH and I have never acquired large chunks of money and decided to treat each other. It's not how we do things. We have things we want to achieve and home improvements we want to do in time and we put things into that. Based on your take we musnt love each other because we don't spend lots on presents and treats.

This thread really shows how so many people can't get that different people have equally valid different approaches to money.

It was left to him not you you as a couple. It's his money.

@Lolasmiles,
I feel the same way about this expectation that if their partner (married or not) came into some money they must prove their love by buying them a treat! (Because people who love other people treat them).

The comments about it would be a “sad bloody day” or that they’d pack up and leave because they didn’t get a treat sound very entitled and selfish to me.

Reminds me of the Madonna song “I’m a material girl”

At any rate, I agree people have different spending habits but the only thing wrong would be to pressure your partner into doing what you want with his dead relatives money. It’s predatory and entitled. It comes from a place of jealousy and using justifications of “if you love me, then you would treat me and pay off my debts” are technically emotional blackmail.

I wouldn't expect him to pay my debt - but a weekend away or a short trip would be nice. I personally wouldn't stay with someone who isn't generous and doesn't think of us as a team. I always think of what I would do and how I would behave and if my partner doesn't do the same I don't hang around. He seems to be looking after number one. I suggest you do the same

I still think the inheritance thing is a red herring (some people would head straight for "nice treat for all of us, then think what do do with the rest", others for "put it away for a rainy day, or pay of the mortgage") - the real financial problem is the 50:50 split when they're meant to be in a relationship and one earns twice as much as the other.

As someone said upthread, he's not treating you as a partner OP, he's treating you as a flatmate with benefits.

DoctorAllcome
I'm with you.

It hadn't crossed my mind that not buying treats and presents means I don't show DH how much I love him, or him not spending his bonus on taking me on holiday means he doesn't love me, or us putting any generous family gifts into a rainy day/future pot means we aren't team players and don't value each other.

It goes to show why money is such a big cause of splits and divorces when people aren't on the same page.

This is why you should get married, then it would be the family money (yours and his).

Even if married it would still be his money.

*@berlinbabylon
I’m in shock. You really think it Is useless to save for retirement and long term care because you “might not live that long”?! That is a very irresponsible attitude to take which you will regret when scraping by on a measly state pension in forty years or so. If you’d looked at the remaining life expectancy for someone your age, you’d see it’s a minuscule chance you will die before age 67.

And I cannot believe you seriously think that £80k would just be stuffed in a regular savings account with 0.2% interest. It would be invested and have returns closer to 8%pa on average.

Your entire post just screams someone who has no idea how to manage their finances. So of course you advise spending it. It’s one of the mentalities that keep people in poverty tbh.*

Agree completely with everything @DoctorAllcome says. We recently had a wee unexpected £12k windfall and without blinking I just split it between our Vanguard S&S ISAs which I anticipate will achieve 8% over 30 or so years (we're 28) but has achieved 25% in the last two. If DH's parents died and he inherited a few hundred grand I'd give him the space to figure out what he wanted to do, but strongly suspect it'd be put towards early retirement. I don't see anything wrong with valuing long term financial stability and freedom over short lived 'treats'. If my parents passed away I'd also expect to be able to choose what I do with my inheritance. And it'd probably be something 'boring' to others.

Maybe you've just partnered with someone sensible with their money?

Yes, even if married, it would still be his money because it’s an inheritance. Inheritance is not a joint asset or income.

Yes, even if married, it would still be his money because it’s an inheritance. it is not a joint asset or income

It is actually, legally speaking it is a joint asset if you are married.