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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

318 replies

Nomoremilk · 15/09/2019 14:28

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

OP posts:
TrainQuestions · 15/09/2019 16:28

We stay home. DH, me and the DC. No parents or other family invited. That way no one can complain the other sets of grandparents are being favoured.

123chocolate · 15/09/2019 16:29

I'd stay at home. Your parents/mil sound emotionally manipulative/unstable.

Drum2018 · 15/09/2019 16:36

Put your foot down and tell them now you are staying in your own house for the day or going to your mums for the full day, and will call to the rest of them in turn over the week between Christmas and new year. You have to be firm and stop pandering to them all. You and Dh are adults who are allowed to make decisions for yourselves and not feel guilty. Tell mil to grow the fuck up - crying over something so trivial is just infuriating. And let Dh deal with her, you don't have to listen to her whinging.

AuditAngel · 15/09/2019 16:37

We have always had a family meal out on Christmas Eve (well, pre kids it was Children’s mass, then the pub then into the Indian, now we just skip the pub)

Christmas Day at ours, was always with my family, but my parents have now passed away. Last year we had 4 members of DH’s family, but the6 turned up late, ate, slept and went straight home. DH said he won’t invite them again, I will wait to see what happens.

Traditionally we have hosted DH’s family on Boxing Day, up to 30 of them. For the last 5 years our daughter’s have performed in panto, and we always get Boxing Day. 2 years ago I rebelled and refused, we bounced the schedule and had a day off. It was a lot of work, and people came for about 3 hours and left.

Last year we did Boxing Day, but, after hosting 10 out of 11 Boxing day’s, DH decided not to try to host without my help (I had to chaperone panto). No-one invited DH and DS to join them, and as a result he said he doesn’t feel inclined to bother this year. It is loads of work, no-one helps and we end up paying. I wait for my panto schedule.

Troels · 15/09/2019 16:42

Stay home and let them all bitch about it.
It can't be fun for you or the kids, dragging house to house.
Let them stay home and play with their toys, tell all the relatives you'll have an open day Boxing day (or whatever day) and they can come by and eat buffet food leftovers , don't do different days for different people, they need to grow up and be adults and be polite to each other (and you)

flouncyfanny · 15/09/2019 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantkeepawayforever · 15/09/2019 16:51

As soon as DCs were born, we declared that we are at home for Christmas. Yes, people can visit us - sometimes they do, sometimes they don't - but we stay at home.

It's been glorious.

Beesandcheese · 15/09/2019 16:51

I am, as ever, glad I don't care about Christmas. Tell them they can come round on x day or lump it. They don't own you.

Booboostwo · 15/09/2019 16:55

I’d ignore all of them if they can’t be bothered being civil to each other, but if you must see them, then MIL and partner with DF and partner in the morning and DM and partner with FIL and partner in the afternoon.

TreeSunset · 15/09/2019 16:57

Fuck that!
Visiting 4 families isn’t a Christmas Day!
They can piss if with their crying and say in that case you will rotate once every 4 years. Offer a day each like Christmas Eve/Boxing Day/New Years day.

They’ve had their time. It’s your families time and soon you’re kkds will start next resent it and want to be at home with their presents.

carbuncleonapigsposterior · 15/09/2019 17:02

As you can see from opinions submitted YANBU, they are! Break with this tradition. Let them know from now on you will be Christmasting in your own home, it's too onerous dragging your children all over the place, they are being ridiculous. Christmas is all about children not about adults who act like children with such a ridiculous sense of entitlement.

vanillaicedtea · 15/09/2019 17:04

Get a backbone, have Xmas at your house and visit one set on Xmas eve and the other set on boxing day. Ignore the comments. A few Christmas' from now they'll have got used to it.

Tbh I'm sure your kids wont enjoy being lugged about all day. They want to play with their toys and see their parents. Stop pandering to people who are self absorbed and self serving.

sunshinesupermum · 15/09/2019 17:13

I would love to see my DGSs on Xmas Day but because the other side of the family make a HUGE deal over Xmas (and we're Jewish, not that the other family go to church or are religious!) DD agrees with her DH to go to them EVERY SINGLE XMAS.

I'm a single mum but don't rant and wail, much as I'd like to though. When they grow up DGSs will only have Xmas hol memories with the other family (they stay with them for a week or more) and not me. Makes me very sad sometimes.

If I was you OP (sorry haven't rtft) I'd stay home and GPs can visit separately at some stage before or after Xmas Day. Good luck.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 15/09/2019 17:14

I am usually in the it's important to spend time with family however much of a pita they are camp. But really they are not behaving well at all.

If you want to go to your mum's go to your mum's. MIL can pop in Xmas morning at a specified time, or on Xmas Eve, or Boxing Day, or you can go over on the 27th, or do the panto together on the 28th or whatevs. Next year you can go to her, or she can come to you and you'll see your mum another day.

Do any of the 4 sets get on well enough to be co-hosted?

NearlyGranny · 15/09/2019 17:15

The only set I'd go to on Christmas Day are the devout, committed Christians. Anyone who isn't shouldn't be fussing and crying about seeing grandchildren on a particular day within what is, of course, a TWELVE DAY festival. And a committed Christian would never use emotional blackmail, surely!

Four visits in one day is frankly nuts and you do not need to contemplate even attempting it. It is a bit late now to accomplish emigration before Christmas but I'd seriously consider it for 2020.

Meantime, how about this?

Dear Family, After discussing it, DH and I have decided this year not to chop our Christmas Day into four equal chunks and spend it rushing about, wrangling small children in and out of their carseats, driving, and trying to enjoy your company with one eye perpetually on the clock.

After all, Christmas has twelve days!

We would like to suggest that you each nominate a day from the list of dates below (insert list leaving out 25th itself and including about 8 dates if you can) to invite us over. First to request a specific listed date will be accepted. You can include your second or third more choice in order of preference if you like.

On Christmas Day itself we plan to celebrate simply at home so the children can explore and enjoy their presents.

We think this arrangement will be much more relaxing and fun for everyone - let's spread the joy!

You could message it at a time you know they will all be available to see it.

You could even offer a couple of 'open house' dates when they could come to you, but that might be an alternative for next year if you're not already settled in Australia/Canada/Darkest Peru!

Good luck. Take control. Enjoy.

Original poster
Nomoremilk · 15/09/2019 17:18

I know I need to get a back bone. I'm not passive in any other way in life but we both had a horrible time with our parents divorcing as teenagers with loads of manipulation from our parents (eerily similar situations) so I always struggle with being able to tell wherher it is me or them in the wrong. Will discuss with my husband this evening and update the thread with our plans!

OP posts:
Debfronut · 15/09/2019 17:20

When you have children its down to you to make them happy and yourself as relaxed and chilled as you can be when building toys and putting in batteries. . I would never have dragged my children away from playing with toys in their pyjamas and as soon as I had my son we invited people to us for tea and that was that. As they got older we now do dinner but all contribute. My family had to build its own traditions. If I was you I would invite them for tea and tell them to bring something for tea so its not all on you. Then you can have the odd tipple and not care if they moan. Time for a change OP

C8H10N4O2 · 15/09/2019 17:22

Aibu to just sod it and go to one house?

Stay home. Its bonkers visiting 3 houses and cook dinner for the 4th.

Invite them around on Christmas Eve for drinks or whatever works. They can grow up and be civil to each other for a couple of hours or wait until after Christmas to see you. If you are happy to do it have open house for high tea or lunch on Boxing day as well and then if they are too immature to be civil at Christmas the bickering parties can avoid each other.

Deafen your ears to emotional blackmail.

OhTheRoses · 15/09/2019 17:25

Ever since the Christmas when ds was 2 and we stayed at my mother's and step father's and they wound him up to such a state of over excitement that he woke up at 4am on Christmas morning and went to sleep at 5.30am on boxing day and my mother may have got a bit arsy when neither of us were all smiles on boxing day for her large gathering, we have stayed put at Christmas.

Three rather than four were told we would be at home and they may visit if they wished. From that point mother and sf never came because sf likes his own house at Christmas. Fine they come the penultimate w/e before Christmas to exvhange presents and have Christmas dinner.

Father and sm decided to see us on NY Eve, likewise sm didn't like being out of own house.

ILS decided to spend Xmas with us and have for 23 years (well fil dead now) and come for a bloody week

Father died 2001 so NY became free.

Fact that they were/sre respectively 100, 250 and 450 miles away helped.

FWIW op both my parents had the words "I shall never mess my children about" delivered with a hard Paddington stare and chose at that point, thankfully, to zip it.

Iloveacurry · 15/09/2019 17:25

Tell them to do one (or fuck off).

Have Christmas at home and they can visit you at convenient times during the day.

Azure83 · 15/09/2019 17:26

On top of what others said, I'd give them four time slots to visit: one on Xmas eve, two on Xmas day and one on Boxing Day. On a first come first serve basis. They'll sort themselves out soon enough...

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 15/09/2019 17:28

Christmas day is the one day of the year that we don't go out, and nobody comes in. The 26th and the few days after are they days we do all the visiting. But Christmas Day is just ours. Selfish? Probably. Something we love doing? Absolutely.

Let them call you selfish. Tell them its one day of the year and you're not going to spend it dragging around to all the houses. Let each family know what day you will visit them, or what day they can call over. But tell them from now on it won't be Christmas day. Tell them you'll Skype so they can talk to the kids and see what Santa brought.

SalrycLuxx · 15/09/2019 17:31

's shit for children to be given lovely gifts, then cajoled to leave said gifts to get dressed, shove breakfast in and get in the car to go to someone else's house.

Yes. This. This was me and my family until I hit 13. I hated it. Utterly hated it.

Stay home and tell them to stop whining. Tell them you will consider what you fancy next year, and should you decide to visit anyone the hierarchy of preference will be decided by behaviour this year. Attempts to guilt trip, whine or tantrum will mean being at the end of the queue!

yogafailure · 15/09/2019 17:34

As soon as dc 1 was born - 20 years ago - we told all our parents and siblings that they were welcome to pop in on Christmas Day but we were now a family and we would be making our own traditions. DHs parents are divorced and not on speaking terms, however at family occasions, our wedding, the dcs christenings, they all managed to be adults mostly. Funnily enough my folks would pop in but neither MIL or FIL cba if it was them making the effort. Suited us fine as the dcs had Christmas Day repeated on the 26th and 27th which spread all the presents out nicely too. Our elder dcs are 18 and 20 now and can't imagine spending Christmas Day in the car dashing from house to house.

MyCatsHat · 15/09/2019 17:37

Agree with pps, just stay at home with your DC, no visitors on Christmas day and they can come another time if they like.

So what if they call you selfish? I'd say "Yes, we're selfishly putting the kids first, aren't we awful?" and let it run off you. I don't think it is selfish but even if it was, it would be worth it.