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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

318 replies

Nomoremilk · 15/09/2019 14:28

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 15/09/2019 15:40

omg OP your poor poor children Shock your Children are having Christmas ruined by your selfish twat parents/inlaws AND YOU, because you have no back bone to tell these people that your children are your family, and their needs matter MORE than this mob.

You need to tell the lot of them to piss right off and relax and enjoy Christmas in your own bloody home.. Flowers

SunshineCake · 15/09/2019 15:44

Stay home. It is your Christmas too.

Dh and I have a compromise. We have Christmas dinner at home and then go to his parents for a few hours and then go again for lunch and sometimes tea on Boxing Day.

Your parents can't behave. Either they learn to be pleasant and everyone spends the day together with the children, or else you stay home as they are yours and you are NOT selfish.

cjpark · 15/09/2019 15:45

You need to stop this craziness. The DC will want to stay home and open presents. You and DH can stay in pjs and watch their faces. Give the adults an open invite to pop over anytime after 4 say - if they can't face meeting their ex's, well they don't need to come!

Clutterbugsmum · 15/09/2019 15:47

YANBU.

It's not fair on your children to be whisked from house to house and not have time to play with their new toys.

Send one text to all of them telling them that from now on Christmas day will be just you, DH and Dc. They are welcome to come over on Boxing day after 11am and as they have said that Christmas is for the CHILDREN.

Sewrainbow · 15/09/2019 15:50

Maybe you should tell them all that your Christmas is being ruined, they're the ones being selfish and the only way to make it fair is that you stay at home and none of the grandparents come over as they can't all be trusted to behave decently together and that is the only sensible way they can see the children without a lot of hassle and disruption...

Outsomnia · 15/09/2019 15:53

Christmas should be a nice time for everyone, shouldn't it?

Seems to me, that sadly it doesn't always work out that way. I know it's early days, but the number of OPs that start after Halloween is just unreal regarding angst of one sort or another WRT to Christmas and relatives.

I know this might not work for everyone given some families live far apart, but we in conjunction with our sibling decided years ago to rotate a morning meeting about eleven o'clock. Drinks, canapes and a bit of a laugh. Then we all do our own thing.

Then again we don't have MILs, Fils, or our own parents anymore now, and that is sad as we all rubbed along great. When the parents were alive we took turns too on rotation, and the eleven o'clock tradition was in place for those not on the rota that year!.

OP there is no way I would do all those journeys. Just my humble opinion though.

CatteStreet · 15/09/2019 15:53

Your children are being dragged around all Christmas Day to suit the whims of adults who can't compromise and can't see past their own noses.

You and your dh need to steel your joint resolve and say this stops now. You visit two sets of parents on Christmas Eve, two on Boxing Day and Christmas Day you are at home.

I think you are B a tiny bit U wanting to be hosted and looked after - don't we all? - but the rest of it, YANBU. It's really not fair on your dc to spend their Christmas dancing attendance on your various parents.

Pieceofpurplesky · 15/09/2019 15:54

You need to start a new Christmas routine and tradition that suits your family. Your kids are your priority now. You parents and pils should fit in with what you want.

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 15/09/2019 15:55

As children we always spent our Christmas day visiting relatives and having lunch at someone else's house. All we wanted to do is stay at home playing with our new toys.

As soon as we had kids we said no visiting others on Christmas day. People are welcome at our house but we don't leave. Its the best way.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/09/2019 15:56

Christmas is for kids really

Actually, Christmas is for Christians. Hmm

But I don't think OP is being unreasonable in wanting a relaxing day where the kids can enjoy their presents and she and her DH can just veg and have a nice day.

I don't blame you for not wanting to referee warring parents and step-parents, nor do I blame you for not wanting to rush from one set of loving grand-parents to another with a clutch of over-excited and increasingly tired children.

Tell them you are staying t home and you will visit each of them in turn for [insert time duration that suits you here] and they can like it or, more probably, lump it!

Let them keep the gifts they have chosen for the children at their own homes so they can enjoy the pleasure of seeing them being opened (Santa has left things all over the place this year). Don't enter into any negotiation. They can take it or leave it.

We only had two sets of parents to negotiate, and people weren't at warmth each other, but it was still an exhausting day. I can't imagine what it must be like for you.

Petrichor11 · 15/09/2019 15:56

Stay home with DH and DC and no one else.

That’s far less selfish than a bunch of grown adults expecting toddlers to go round visiting all of them individually when all the toddlers probably want to do is play with their new toys at home.

Split the visits up over a few days around Christmas but Christmas Day just for you 5 at home together.

Ponoka7 · 15/09/2019 15:57

When your children are older they aren't going to want to be dragged around and it isn't fair for them to be.

The usual is to do Christmas Eve (but that doesn't work with relatives that want to see them open their gifts), Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

Or delay and have New Yeats Day with one of them. This works really well because it's still a special day and splits the presents up.

Either that or rotate. When MIL starts ask her if she wants another day, or to wait until next year.

We found it easier tp do an open house, with just mince pie/Christmas cake etc on offer.

ControversialFerret · 15/09/2019 15:59

I'd get the M&S Xmas menu catalogue and pre-order the lot all ready to go. On the day it's easy peasy to do because everything is already prepped and it just needs to be bunged in the oven.

Then I'd tell all sets of parents that you are having Xmas at home this year, because you and the kids all feel like performing monkeys having to present yourselves at various locations. That you're sure they will understand that Xmas is important for the kids at this age, and that it's best for them to be at home. That they are welcome to all come and visit you on Boxing day.

Any tears and emotional manipulation should be met with "We're not ruining Xmas, don't be silly. Neither us nor the kids enjoy having to run ourselves ragged and this year we're not doing it anymore. You have an invite to come and see us - if that's not good enough for you then we'll catch up with you in the New Year."

Ragwort · 15/09/2019 16:04

Threads like this make me so grateful for my laid back family, no pressure, no expectations, no awkward rotas. We had no set traditions sometimes we visited my parents, sometimes ILs, sometimes we hosted, sometimes we went on holiday, a couple of times we hosted at church for the old folks lunch (with our DC), sometimes we stayed home alone.......no stress,. no one got offended ... I will make sure I am the same if I ever have grandchildren. Smile

Justanothernameonthepage · 15/09/2019 16:06

Ask them if they'll be wanting the grandkids to have 2 different parties every year, multiple weddings or special events. Point out it's getting ridiculous and instead you'll host brunch from 9 to 11. The mums can come the first hour, dad's the second. If they want longer with the kids then they should learn to be polite to each other. Plan a walk at 11 to get out the house once they're gone and breathe. Or you don't mind them picking a day between Christmas and New year if you have to travel to them.
If they moan, tell them it's that or you're going away for Christmas as all the traveling to 4 houses is ruining the day for you and the kids.
After the first year, it's a 'tradition'
They'll moan but if it works, then it's traditional.

pimbee · 15/09/2019 16:14

We have a similar situation, although thankfully our parents aren't selfish pricks so no crying or other BS. We are stay at home camp, we just do it, Christmas is too overwhelming otherwise. We try to fit family in outside the 3 days. I really don't understand some of the GP you hear about on MN, how they can be so utterly ignorant and selfish. Our parents aren't perfect, but they've never, ever put demands or pressures on us, not even after DS2 was born right before Christmas.

LovePoppy · 15/09/2019 16:16

They are being ridiculous.

Tell them going forward you will see one family on Christmas day. And you will see them every fourth year.

I’d hope they’d get their act together with that

Inertia · 15/09/2019 16:16

It's ridiculous.Let the children have their own Christmas in their own homes- you can visit the relatives over the rest of the Christmas period.

Have dinner at your house and invite the parents over in the most cordial pairing arrangement for brunch or tea (eg your mum and FIL for brunch, your dad and MIL for tea).

Alternatively, go to one relative for Christmas Day, and take it in turns each year.

You're a grownup. You don't have to do what your parents tell you. You can make your own family traditions now.

user1493494961 · 15/09/2019 16:20

Op said she wanted dinner at someone's house and everyone is telling her to stay at home! You do need to decide though Op what it Is you want to do and stick to your guns. I agree that visiting several houses on Christmas Day is ridiculous for anyone let alone with three toddlers. If you want to go to your Mum's for dinner then go.

Sparkletastic · 15/09/2019 16:21

See 2 lots on Christmas Eve, have Christmas Day for you DCs and DH (no obligation to cook a full roast) and see 2 lots on Boxing Day.

Chloemol · 15/09/2019 16:21

just tell them you are having Christmas at home, just the five of you. You will visit in laws Christmas Eve, and split your parents Boxing Day, and that’s how it’s going to be moving forward unless they all get together and agree that one in four years you spend at each

zoetrope2012 · 15/09/2019 16:21

Tell them you have to prioritise the children - not drag them from house to house.
Ask them to sort it out amongst themselves and take it in turn every year - your family will visit just one place for Christmas each year.
If they can't/ won't agree amongst themselves then you will make the decision for them by having children draw lots from a hat!

GiveMeHope103 · 15/09/2019 16:21

Wow seriously grow up op. You are an adult arent you? You have 3 small children dont you? Why on earth are you dragging everyone around to please people. Doesnt the time for doing that stop at some point? Like when you have a family of your own to see to?? This is crazy and you are inflicting this stress on yourself. Stay at home, let your children relax and enjoy themselves at home and the adults can visit if they wish. If they dont then oh well too bad for them.
If they call you selfish then so what??
You are a big grown woman.

GiveMeHope103 · 15/09/2019 16:25

DH and I have spent the last 8/10 Christmas at home just us two and now with ds. Our families all dont want to do the travelling so we just dont end up spending it together. We have our own little family of 3 and have never felt a big loss or something missing. No way in hell am I dragging my ds around just to please people. I cant imagine how crazy you are to do that with 3 DC.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 15/09/2019 16:27

You are going to be complaining about this until your children leave home if you don't put your foot down soon and the longer you leave it the harder it will be.

Make a plan with DH that suits you (if I were you I'd offer the 2 days before Christmas as days you will visit some of them (1 set per day) and the 2 days after for people to come and see you (because your children's new toys will be at home).
Keep Christmas Day for just you, DH and DC. If they can't be trusted to come to your house and not cause any friction then they're not welcome.

Once you've made your plan, tell them all and while doing so, include that you know they're not going to like it but it is what's happening. If they kick off / shout / cry, tell them they're being ridiculous then get up and leave. They'll learn quickly but this will only work if you're both on board and don't give an inch.

DH and I did similar 5 years ago - we booked to be abroad over Christmas (no dc but stupid amounts of guilt and stress every year). There was some pushback initially but it died down when they realised we wouldn't budge.