To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

[Nomoremilk]

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

Stay at home. I said as soon as I had kids that we were staying at home. I wasn't spending their Christmas Day running around visiting people when they'd want to be at home playing with their toys.

I guess I'm lucky that both sides of the family were happy with that, we'd go and visit on Boxing Day instead.

They are the one being selfish by insisting you split yourselves 4 ways on one day.

Well, it sounds like you quite like getting the dinner cooked, and with 3 under 4s that’s understandable. I would go to your Mums this Christmas, mil on Boxing Day and have the fathers together on Christmas Eve. Then reverse for next year.
But, if you’d rather just stay home in your jammies and enjoy your babies. It does piss me off that the children of divorced parents are expected to cut themselves in bits for ever so that it’s fair. They aren’t fair.

This is why we go away for Christmas 😂

You must stay at home for the sake of your children. If they cry about wanting to see the kids tell them they're more than welcome to travel to see you. Bet they don't bother!

Imo the ones you owe a good Christmas to are your dc!! And they surely want to stay at home?
Allocate slots of visiting. If they don't show it's their problem.

I’ve never done the visiting multiple places thing at Christmas, people know where we live if they want to see the kids. My parents live down south, don’t think they’ve ever visited at Christmas. I also work alternate Christmas’ so does their dad so one of us has them one of us works.

Your in-laws/parents need to accept visiting on another day - holidays are long why does it need to be that one day?...selfish is expecting 3 little children to leave their home and presents to go to visiting on Christmas Day.
Stay at home and enjoy the day as a family

You want to be catered for on Christmas Day but resent having to meet others requirements ? Sounds like you want to have your Christmas cake and eat it - either stay home and invite people over another day or stay home and have a meal with your partner and children

Yanbu to not want to ruin Christmas day splitting yourselves between everyone. We have three sets to go round and now have two fake Christmas days in the run up, complete with presents and a big lunch. Really works for us as everyone gets their special day to watch the kids open their presents and nobody is rushing. I love that it strings it out too, 3 Christmas days is better than one!

Stay at home Christmas day and boxing day. Have mum and MiL round one of the days, and have the dad's round the other day. No atmosphere necessary, if they don't like it, then they can always pop round on Christmas Eve or 27th to see the kids.

You're adults. You have your own family, time to put your big girl pants and start making your own Christmas traditions

I have a split family and have always been different places over Christmas eve, day and boxing day. I have just had my first dc and am dreading the Christmases to come, I feel for you! This year we have said we are staying home as I can't be bothered with the meltdowns I'll have to deal with if we take ds to one person's house for his first Christmas. I say do what YOU want to do and what the dc are going to enjoy most, which isn't traipsing around loads of places on Christmas day. Screw everyone else.

We had the tantrums and screaming the year before last.

Dc2 is almost 3 and coming up to his 4th Christmas. First year he was 3 months old and glued to my breast all day and not happy to be left, the whinging and whining that I was keeping him from people was unbelievable. We had my mum and siblings, DH's family over which was 10 guests. DH cooked while I spent most of the time laying down feeding and bringing dc down when I could.

Christmas 2 I said I wanted on our own as I was about 3 months pregnant with hyperemesis and it was really lovely (besides vomiting). Again whinging from family but mostly DH's so I didn't have to hear it.

Last year DH's family were invited to ours as they had complained constantly but not my family as it was too much to have everyone. They turn cancelled the week before after we already had all the food and had a massive tantrum that we wouldn't keep the DC up super late so they could come over after dinner. DH didn't speak to them until March. Had Christmas just the 4 of us and was much more relaxed.

This year I have no idea what's happening, I suspect DH has had enough and we'll have Christmas alone forever more and just visit all 3 sides on other days.

We haven't had whinging and whining this year. Put your food down, tell them what's happening this week and be firm. It's shit for children to be given lovely gifts, then cajoled to leave said gifts to get dressed, shove breakfast in and get in the car to go to someone else's house. Then more cajoling after they are given more gifts but must get back in the car again to go to the next house. They will play up because they're unsettled and set each other off.

Toughen up and put your foot down. Decide where you're going (or whether you're staying home) and then stick to that. It's too bad if they whine and complain and if anyone dares tell you you're ruining their day ask them what the hell they imagine your day is like dragging small children from one house to the next !

It's so bloody selfish of people to put you under this kind of pressure and 9 times out of 10 the GPs who make these demands wouldn't have dreamed of spending Christmas Day like that when they themselves had a young family.

Seriously OP, knock this on the head because the years will fly by and you'll suddenly realize when it's too late that you didn't get to enjoy Christmas with your dc when they were young enough to love the magic and excitement of it all.

Sod that. Staying at home is so much nicer.

Now that Christmas seems to stretch from about 23rd December to New Year's Day, there's plenty of time to see people, even if it does involve 4 visits.

Maybe to spread the load, you could invite 2 lots to yours, and visit the other 2 lots, then swap the following year?

So the children have to leave their Santa presents?
No chance.
The grandparents all get an invite to visit. You stay at home.

I told all family on both sides that once we had children we would be staying at home. Everyone is welcome but we will not be moving.

4 lovely years later. Only my family come for Xmas as MIL and FIL have to host there own Christmas which involved last year of presents taking 6 hrs for 5 adults!!! I'm so glad I put my foot down.

Stay at home - I know they will pester you but stand firm! Have your response ready. We have been really careful to mix stuff up and never get into one year at X, one year at Y. This year me, DH and two DS are all going on a 2 week holiday - those are my fav because whilst doing everything for everyone is fun, it can be exhausting! We haven't told them yet but they'll find out soon enough. It's not as expensive as it sounds either - because fewer presents, less stuff to prepare etc.

I would invite one lot to Christmas breakfast, the next to Christmas lunch, another for afternoon tea, and the last for dinner. Just make them stick to a strict timetable.

Why are so many grandparents so demanding about Christmas, it’s as it they can’t accept that their children have grown up, have families of their own and like to make their own arrangements.

Just be firm OP, you are a grown woman with three children, don’t let other people make you feel guilty.

We live too far away from each other prospective parents to be able to see them all at Christmas. It's perfectly normal to alternate.

See your mum and his dad this year and the next year your dad and his mum alternating Christmas day and Boxing Day.

Personally I like the idea of having Christmas at your mum's Boxing Day in more than those and both fathers on Christmas Eve.

I find Christmas hard enough work when i see my parents in either earlier in December or at some point in January then spending Christmas Eve to the day after boxing day with with my in-laws. The exhausting one is when I have to go and see my parents for Christmas day coming back on Boxing Day evening but then the in-laws expect a visit immediately after that. I resent that because my parents get the concept that it's not their Christmas and my in-laws don't repay the courtesy.

Yes we have four kids; when they were tiny we alternated the grandparents. My parents frankly made zero effort; disappeared Christmas morning to watch the golden grandchildren open their pressies and used me as kitchen skivvy. DFil was nicer but very frugal with the celebrations and not a great cook.

We bought a bigger house and said we are staying home, everyone welcome to join us. None of my family have ever come. FiL and DBiL come every year.

Eldest is 25 now and I suppose one Christmas soon they will stop coming. We will have loads of good memories though and probably just invite friends or something.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. There are certainly some selfish people but it's not you!

We have said from day one of being together we won't be doing 'turns' at Christmas. We will do what we would like as can everybody else and no one should feel bad for that. Now we have kids we will d what suits them.

Dragging kids round all day, away from their new toys etc is just pointless. And your family need to get on board that for one day of the year, a holiday primarily about children, you are putting Yours first and doing what you want.

This year we are staying at home and I'm not even cooking a roast! Heaven!

Just do what is right for you and your children. Tbh I would stay at home Xmas day. Don't invite anyone just spend it with the 5 of you. Then visit the family over the rest of the Xmas period. If they don't like it dont visit at all. You are not being selfish but they are.

I am gathering that everyone lives nearby.
There is no need for everyone to see the DC in their houses on ChrDay. I would start a new tradition of staying at home personally and family can come if they are likely to be civilised for lunch ; which makes it nice and sociable . If you don't trust them to enhance the day they can come for drinks or you can see them on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day . If you want a break from domesticity staying with one set of relations for the day is fine but it is really not fair on DC or you to be frogging from pillar to post.

We used to spend the festive period travelling to different ends of the country. We always had a nice time but it was hard. Once children came along we refused to do it anymore. Everyone is welcome to us but I’m not dragging little ones around the country.

You want to be catered for on Christmas Day but resent having to meet others requirements ? Sounds like you want to have your Christmas cake and eat it - either stay home and invite people over another day or stay home and have a meal with your partner and children
No, nobody has ever made us Christmas Dinner, this is the first year anyone has offered. I always do the dinner and one of the families comes over for that bit. I just cba!