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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to have to split our Christmas into 4 because of our family situation?

318 replies

Nomoremilk · 15/09/2019 14:28

It may be early but our mums arrange Christmas in September, sigh.
In our house we have 3 DC under 4, and me and my husband.
Both our parents divorced and aren't very friendly, all have partners.
Basically, our Christmas Day since we have had children has to be split into 4 so everyone can see the kids. We've tried having a day on our own and we were called selfish. We don't want them all here together because even if they agreed to be friendly there would be an atmosphere for sure.
My mum has invited us to go to her house this year, but mil has been protesting that we will need to fit them in at some point.
Aibu to just sod it and go to one house? It's so much arsing getting 3 toddlers in and out of the car, they want to play and we don't get to relax. I don't see why we should stay at our house either and be hosts to 4 lots. I just want to go to someone's house and have dinner and relax.
Im definitely happy to see people christmas eve and boxing day and break it up a bit that way but apparently it just HAS to be Christmas day.
Before we had kids nobody cared!

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 15/09/2019 15:06

So let it ruin Christmas for you just his once... although i bet once you see how much your DC enjoy being at home and playing wih their gifts etc you'll change your mind!

Tell them if they don't stop putting you on a guilt trip you won't see them at all for that whole week - and do it so that NEXT year they back off.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 15/09/2019 15:07

the only Christmas day I spent away from home was dd1s first where because I was breast feeding I sat alone in another room while they ate dinner. (wasn't allowed at the table with the men there) was the worst Christmas ever. since then I've vowed it's our little family. visit if you want but I'm not cooking for you, strictly tea and biscuits!! mil asks every year if we are going over and it's always no (dd1 is 11 this year!) We see my mum Christmas eve and mil boxing day. last year mil tried to pressure us as she was working boxing day, so we went on the 27th instead.

perfectstorm · 15/09/2019 15:08

Incidentally, do you do whatever your children want every time they cry? I'm working on the general assumption not. So why teach MIL that her tears equal your compliance?

I would feel more torn, in your shoes, were any of the parents alone. But you say they all have new partners, so none will be sitting in front of the telly with a meal for one, will they.

KatherineJaneway · 15/09/2019 15:08

Stay at home as a family on Christmas Day, just you alone. See one side Christmas Eve, one side Boxing Day.

Awrite · 15/09/2019 15:09

You have the perfect reason to stay at home.

No guilt.

Bloody hell, if these people have the audacity to call you selfish - fuck them. You have 3 under 3. Put them first.

The selfish ones are the ones who are making demands of you. Stand up for yourself.

perfectstorm · 15/09/2019 15:12

@bananasandwicheseveryday the irony is, you sound the sort of MIL it might be lovely to share Christmas with. The lack of pressure, and the clear respect for adult children and their partners, would make it far more tempting, and far less stressful!

flowery · 15/09/2019 15:12

”I suppose it ruins Christmas a bit when I keep hearing about how I'm spoiling it for them and they wish they could see the kids and mil crying”

Tell them you are more concerned about not spoiling it for the kids with dragging them from pillar to post.

Ispini · 15/09/2019 15:13

Turn the tables back on them, email everybody and say you are not prepared to disrupt YOUR family day with small children to suit them. You, your DH and your children deserve to have a family Christmas together. Forget the people pleasing, they obviously don’t give a shit about all the hassle you have to go through. Tell them they can pop in on Boxing Day and tell them what to bring food wise, a cold buffet type thing should be sufficient. If they want to bitch at each other tell them to leave.
Sorry OP but big girl pants time is in order here. Have a lovely peaceful Christmas and don’t be bullied. Obviously you and you other half need to be on the same page so have your responses to any silly comments etc ready to go. You so don’t need this nonsense with such small children to deal with. Best of luck! 💐

ConfCall · 15/09/2019 15:13

You sound a bit passive. I’d understand more if one of them were single and potentially seeing no one on Christmas Day. I’d also understand the frostiness if one of them were now married to the OW/OM. As it stands, however, with the info given, there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

56Marshmallow · 15/09/2019 15:14

We used to go to the in-laws when the kids were tiny. But then, by the time they were 3/4 it just got too much transporting all the gear to them so we decided to have a relaxing Christmas at home and have done ever since. It's bloody lovely! We don't get out of our pyjamas. The kids get to open and play with their presents and we can watch what we like on TV.

Your MIL is being pathetic and manipulative. Christmas is just as magical on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with little kids around. I would do 4 separate days but none of them on Christmas day.

We do Christmas day a week before with my family and then visit the in-laws for a couple of days the day after boxing day.

Do what works for you and what's best for your kids. I would be saying that to your MIL. "This is in the best interests of our children".

TheSerenDipitY · 15/09/2019 15:14

THIS

Tell them you are more concerned about not spoiling it for the kids with dragging them from pillar to post

perfectstorm · 15/09/2019 15:16

Can I just say, OP, how sorry I am that you and your husband had to deal with the divorces that created this situation? With adults this selfish, and tension this great even years later, it must have been hell on wheels.

The fact they have the nerve to say you are selfish, for wanting to put the best interests of your own small children first, speaks volumes. It does not sound as if the notion of children's needs coming before their own wants is terribly familiar to them. Please make sure that your kids aren't just the next generation who have to suffer for their selfishness.

everythingisginandroses · 15/09/2019 15:17

Put your foot down, tell them that you can't keep everyone happy so you are going to please yourselves, and stay at home. Once you have done it once, it gets easier. Sometimes it's secretly a relief when someone stands firm and says no - I was relieved when DSIL said no to us last year so we could stay home without guilt, and I suspect she has been privately relieved in previous years when we have opted to stay home.

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2019 15:17

Do a 4 year cycle of Boxing Day at theirs. Christmas Day, 4 year cycle at your house.

They can take it or leave it

Preggosaurus9 · 15/09/2019 15:18

My understanding is that as soon as DC come on the scene, you've made your own family unit and having Xmas in your own home to suit your own DC takes precedence.

It sounds like your parents and ILs haven't made the mental leap from being head of the household to being grandparents. You and DH are head of your household, you get to decide what's best for your DC and everyone else can fit round it. No matter how much emotional blackmail they try Grin

StroppyWoman · 15/09/2019 15:19

As PP have said, they'll squawk initially as you set boundaries but that becomes the 'new normal' and everyone moves on.

Tell them now, right from the beginning, that you are staying at home Christmas Day. No discussion, that's how it is, you appreciate they will be disappointed but it's what you and DP have agreed on.

Then either offer a visiting time - "drop in any time between 6-8 for a drink and mince pies" type of thing - or a date you can see them - "Which is best for you, Christmas Eve for lunch or Boxing Day evening?"

YOu're the one with the 3 small kids. You get to set the agenda.

IsobelRae23 · 15/09/2019 15:19

Ds’s first Christmas we visited 7 homes- again divorced parents etc. He was so sick that day I said never again.

So I said house I’m doing dinner just tell me if you are coming- one year I ended up with 19 visitors plus the four of us for dinner. Believe it or not, they all behaved really well...... The children were good too!

Septembersunrays · 15/09/2019 15:19

They a re totally selfish.

Just stay at home, who cares if anyone calls you selfish, call them selfish back.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 15/09/2019 15:20

Having Christmas in your own home isn't selfish. It's making the day far less stressful and much nicer for the children.
I have in the past made efforts to spend the day at my mum and dad's house. Even just traveling a short distance was a pain and means you can't have a glass of wine with your dinner.
While my children are small Christmas is at home. My parents are very welcome to join, which they have regularly. We can have a slow morning, the children can take time opening their stockings.
Everyone is happier. But then my parents aren't the kind of people to throw a massive strop over not seeing absolutely everyone on Christmas day itself.
My sister's inlaws on the other hand.... Her DH has had to make a special trip half way across the country on Christmas Eve one year as aunty thingy would throw a wobbly if she didn't see her nieces. Never mind they had planned to visit the day after boxing day.
Sometimes adults behave worse than toddlers. Don't play the game and turn your phone off on Christmas day.

Ellie56 · 15/09/2019 15:20

I suppose it ruins Christmas a bit when I keep hearing about how I'm spoiling it for them and they wish they could see the kids and mil crying

Oh FGS! Tell them to grow up. Tell them they are spoiling things for you and you're not putting up with it any more. You are spending Christmas Day in one house. End of. Anything else is too much hassle and not fair on the children.The others can visit on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. And rotate it every year.

What's more I would refuse to talk about Christmas arrangements until November then tell them how it's going to be; don't let them tell you.

CBCB7992 · 15/09/2019 15:20

I posted a very similar post last. Thankfully not as many families as you but it’s my mum & stepdad and my grandparents (usually see them all together) and my in laws and also DS has to see his dad and his family. Christmas is stressful we spend most of Christmas Day ok the road in and out the car. Trekking home with presents to put together whilst the kids have had no real time to look at stuff. It was awful. Last year I decided to make a stand. We visited my family on Christmas Eve and the in laws visited on Christmas Day morning. It was considerably less stressful than previous years. My kids Opened their presents from my family on Christmas Eve. It was actually quite nice. Seeing them without the stress of Christmas dinner (Christmas dinners always a stressful event at mums, all of us in once place)

Do what makes you and your family happily.

I have have my mum and mother in law questioning us on what’s happening this year. I’m still in summer mode though 🤣

BloggersBlog · 15/09/2019 15:21

Have them ALL over at 5pm. then youve had the day to yourselves. If they want to bring an atmosphore then that is their problem - you will only have them there for a few hours.

Then make it work for YOU by saying -

1 lot brings the drinks
1 lot brings the turkey
1 lot brings a selection of desserts
1 lot agrees to do all the tidying away and washing up

Then "all" you have to do is the trimmings for the meal which you would be doing anyway I presume.

If they arent happy then tough luck, you have organised for everyone to see DCs on xmas day so you've done your bit

Septembersunrays · 15/09/2019 15:21

Yy perfect storm.

jollygoose · 15/09/2019 15:22

Christmas day with your own family just mum dad and kids, boxing day take turns with your dm and dhs mother then next year fathers turn on boxing day, tell them clearly Christmas is for children and yours want time to enjoy it not dash about visiting.

Beautiful3 · 15/09/2019 15:22

We used to visit one side christmas eve, have christmas at home then visit another side on boxing day. Usually some members pop in christmas morning around 10am for an hour to see the kids. That worked well for us.

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