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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL let DS5 have his ipad

155 replies

Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 12:56

DS is 5. He has the iPad when we are flying or in a situation where it’s difficult for a 5 year old to keep still for a long time. School “rule”. DS has always been very good about this. Asks occasionally but gets told it’s only for special occasions etc.

MIL and FIL are here. They are here for their benefit. They needed to do something in our city and we’re a free place to stay. Yesterday I took MIL to do this task (was dropping her off and picking he’d up later) and FIL said he’d look after DS. He knows about the iPad. When I got back DS was playing a fighting game on FIL’s iPad. I took it off him and he was very angry. I’ve never seen him like that. He kept saying he needed to kill the opponent. He’s FIVE!

FIL was asleep.

Discussion about it last night and MIL and FIL admit that although the game wasn’t suitable, not having an iPad is “cruel” because “they all have them these days”

Do they? Do all five year olds have iPads?

Am I being U by sticking to what the school advise?

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 15/09/2019 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justheretostalk · 15/09/2019 12:59

It’s your right of course as your sons parent to decide when he gets to play on technology, and obviously monitor what he’s playing and keep it appropriate.

I think your rule is a bit stingy and mean though. Yes, most five year olds have access to an iPad or the likes where I’m from. Is there no middle ground between free for all and only on holidays? When mine were that age it was limited to one hour a day and only one day of the weekend. Saturday’s were tech free days.

Longtalljosie · 15/09/2019 13:00

I was coming on to hand you a grip but the fighting game seems inappropriate. What exactly are the school telling you?

Original poster
Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 13:01

justheretostalk

We had half and hour a day (when DS asked) before he started school but they are quite firm on it. So we put it away and it’s not been an issue to be fair. Surprised me!

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 15/09/2019 13:01

I think a lot of children of that age have a tablet but if you don't want your DS to have one it isn't 'cruel'.
It's up to you how you parent and different families will have different rules.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/09/2019 13:03

Why are you following the school's rules about parenting your children?

Original poster
Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 13:03

Longtalljosie no screen time at all!

DS watches tv, not a lot, but about an hour a day.

I wouldn’t have minded if FIL had stuck the tv on for him.

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 15/09/2019 13:03

I’m torn OP.
I completely agree on restricting iPad use and don’t think he should have constant access to a screen like that. But you clearly don’t like your ILs so I would question if that’s why you were so angry.
Your FIL was BU for falling asleep and leaving your 5 year old to his own devices.
They were both BU for telling you that you’re cruel for not giving him an IPad.

justheretostalk · 15/09/2019 13:04

I don’t seem to be understanding. The school is telling you what you can and can’t do at home? Confused

Purplejay · 15/09/2019 13:06

I think only allowing the iPad on holiday is a bit much tbh.

What about allowing an hour or two on weekends? There are loads of educational / fun things for 5 year olds

Sounds like all agree the game wasn’t suitable. I would be more bothered about FIL falling asleep while ‘looking after’ DS though. I am sure it’s not something he did on purpose but up to you whether or not you leave them together again.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2019 13:07

No contact, OP. Only way. No contact.

Bringonspring · 15/09/2019 13:07

I would have been annoyed with my husband if he had put on a fighting game not with the in laws.

Screen time is like everything else, fine in moderation.

Original poster
Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 13:07

justheretostalk

Yes, isn’t that normal?

I mean they can’t enforce it but they have definitely dos and don’ts which they expect families to adhere to.

OP posts:
CigarsofthePharoahs · 15/09/2019 13:08

Mine (8 and 5) have Amazon fire tablets. I have the timings on them quite restricted and I regularly check for anything unsuitable.
I don't think blanket bans are a good idea. I've been the kid who didn't have the right "thing" as my parents were very strict. It sucks.
Having said that, fil should respect your rules.

ethelfleda · 15/09/2019 13:08

And why not adhere to the school’s guidance on screen use?? It’s probably more credible than following the advice from the OP’s ILs!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/09/2019 13:08

An hour or so a day isn't going to do any harm. A fighting game doesn't sound age appropriate but without knowing what game it was it is difficult to say. There is a huge difference as an example between Mario beating Bowser and COD

Oysterbabe · 15/09/2019 13:09

Obviously that game was unsuitable but my 3 year old has an ipad. She's not on it loads but does enjoy doing puzzles or the CBeebies apps when she's having a bit of down time.

Sirzy · 15/09/2019 13:10

I think the school are overstepping the mark.

I think there is a balance to be struck. iPads are fine, they are part of modern life and aren’t going anywhere. Ds is currently on his researching about pros and cons of HS2, he may then play roblox for a bit after.

Even in school they are used regularly. In Ds case (9 year old and autistic) they also help him with his work and accessing the curriculum.

dropthemic · 15/09/2019 13:10

Your child, your rules. It doesn't matter what other 5year old are doing.
Games don't cause violence but I definitely think certain ones led to children and adults getting very wound up and bursts of anger like you saw. I say that as someone who enjoys playing the ps4.

SandyY2K · 15/09/2019 13:12

This seems like an overreaction to me. I would agree that most 5 year olds have more access to a tablet... that's not to say it shouldn't be restricted in it's use though.

Just tell FIL to put the TV on next time, instead of giving DS the iPad.

The way you described their visit being for their benefit and your house being a free place to stay, sounds like you aren't overly keen on them.

FatAndFurious7 · 15/09/2019 13:12

I'd be way more concerned about him sleeping whilst he's the only adult around for your DS... that's a much bigger red flag than general lazy supervision like giving an iPad

noblegiraffe · 15/09/2019 13:12

An hour of tv a day is fine but an hour of tablet isn’t? Hmm

Yes there are some things that kids shouldn’t be accessing on tablets - social media or games like Fortnite that can cause problems in the playground.

But a sweeping statement that tablets are bad is just horseshit. Just be selective about what they use them for, just like you’d allow them to watch CBeebies but not Love Island.

MamaGee09 · 15/09/2019 13:13

I wouldn’t be annoyed that’s he was on the iPad however the choice of game would have had me annoyed. Tablets can be so beneficial. Ds is forever watching history programmes and pod casts , he is very knowledgable and really interested in the world and it’s history.

There are many educational apps that have a great purpose to them too.

As someone else said everything in moderation.

MindyStClaire · 15/09/2019 13:17

I wouldn't be happy with the fighting game, and I'd be delighted to get away with that little screen time when DD is that age (only 1 so we don't have this issue yet). But at the same time, if the grandparents don't look after him often, I'd be relaxed about them breaking rules where it doesn't put him in actual danger. I'd file it with having too many sweets with granny etc - being a bit spoiled by grandparents can be lovely.

justheretostalk · 15/09/2019 13:17

Yes, isn’t that normal?

Err no. I’ve literally never heard of a school telling parents no screen time at all. Our school has parent evenings about internet awareness, cyber bullying, staying safe online, etc etc.

Telling parents what do do outside of school hours Beyond homework or whatever would really get my back up. Especially with tedious parenting decisions like how much a kid watches tv.

Everything in moderation, I say. Technology is a HUGE part of life these days, and I believe it is quite a disadvantage to not be able to use any of it when everyone else is. I’m now imagining and entire school of kids with absolutely no clue how to work a computer. Hmm it’s simply unrealistic to say “zero screen time”.