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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL let DS5 have his ipad

155 replies

Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 12:56

DS is 5. He has the iPad when we are flying or in a situation where it’s difficult for a 5 year old to keep still for a long time. School “rule”. DS has always been very good about this. Asks occasionally but gets told it’s only for special occasions etc.

MIL and FIL are here. They are here for their benefit. They needed to do something in our city and we’re a free place to stay. Yesterday I took MIL to do this task (was dropping her off and picking he’d up later) and FIL said he’d look after DS. He knows about the iPad. When I got back DS was playing a fighting game on FIL’s iPad. I took it off him and he was very angry. I’ve never seen him like that. He kept saying he needed to kill the opponent. He’s FIVE!

FIL was asleep.

Discussion about it last night and MIL and FIL admit that although the game wasn’t suitable, not having an iPad is “cruel” because “they all have them these days”

Do they? Do all five year olds have iPads?

Am I being U by sticking to what the school advise?

OP posts:
joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 14:14

I wouldn’t have minded if FIL had stuck the tv on for him.

Oh OP you are funny!

Bowerbird5 · 15/09/2019 14:14

I doubt that they have ipads at that age. No uniform is correct. My boys went to Steiner Kindy but no school at the time there is now. There are a lot of wonderful things about Steiner schools.

I work in a primary and we put out a guideline lots of schools do. Some of the parents like it the rest ignore. Some kids are tired because they are still up until the early hours!

itsmecathycomehome · 15/09/2019 14:15

I think that you are right to have a limit on screen time, and fil should have adhered to that and stayed away to supervise DS properly.

However, do not underestimate how shockingly exhausting it can be to look after a 5yo when you have not done it for a long time. FIL would not be the first person to fully intend to follow the babysitting rules and go on to fall short.

At some point he was knackered, desperate for DS to amuse himself for awhile and possibly also getting pestered to allow it.

I am sure he did not intend to fall asleep, and know that my own DF and FIL are of an age where they can full asleep mid-sentence.

I guess what I think is : cut him some slack. DS is old enough to understand that grandparents and aunties/uncles sometimes allow treats that their parents wouldn't.

I don't know how critical or patronising your 'talk' was, but could they have been getting defensive when they tried to claim that you were cruel?

Ultimately, if they're loving and kind grandparents, IME just let it go and continue whatever screen rules you want in their absence.

justasking111 · 15/09/2019 14:16

Sounds like a religious cult. The OP may be from overseas.

itsmecathycomehome · 15/09/2019 14:16

What game was it, incidentally?

nonmerci · 15/09/2019 14:17

I’ve never personally heard of a school insisting children behave a certain way at home Confused. I would be deeply offended and feel patronised and demeaned if the school felt they needed to assist my parenting in some way...

Anyway, I can’t see much of an issue with the iPad being used as a one off. I think you’re overreacting.

DotForShort · 15/09/2019 14:18

I am not a fan of too much screen time for children (or adults for that matter). Watching TV might potentially be a more social activity than playing games on an iPad, but that depends on how each activity is approached. If the child is on his own with the TV or the iPad, I can’t see much difference between them.

And as for school rules about what the child should be doing/watching/eating, etc. I would cheerfully ignore most of them. And if possible, I would look for another school with a less heavy-handed philosophy.

Sirzy · 15/09/2019 14:18

Ds is autistic. Looking at your list

School bedtime (7.00pm) - haha if only
Uniform
Hair style
Homework obvs but none other than set (no tutoring) - we have to limit homework (with school)
Types of foods preferred - hahahaha Ds doesn’t eat. The few things he does I wouldn’t have school saying no.
List of tv programmes preferred - how?
List if bedtime reading preferred - why?
Table rules (basic manners really)

Aridane · 15/09/2019 14:19

I find it difficult to see beyond your first post and your obvious dislike of your in laws

justasking111 · 15/09/2019 14:20

Aha, OP has never posted before so possibly having a bit of a laugh.

Figgygal · 15/09/2019 14:21

Ds didn't get his own tablet until 7 a year on we have to carefully control it still as he just can't cope with it he gets obsessed so easily and then rude and aggressive over it.

I know some kids live on theirs at 5 my dn certainly did at that age which isn't healthy imo

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2019 14:22

Actually, the remaining Steiner schools do have rules like that, apart from hair and uniform. And they wouldn’t call them rules. And they would add no using black paint or crayons t il (I think) around 10.

Littlechocola · 15/09/2019 14:26

@Bowerbird5 nothing wrong with Steiner schools at all

Fatted · 15/09/2019 14:28

Well OP, my DC's school have ipads available for them to use in class from reception. So from 4YO. They are given home work to complete online from YR1. So not sure how you're meant to do that without 'screens'. All payments are made to the school electronically, so again 'Screens'. And most information is relayed to parents via email. So I find the 'no tablet' rule from a school a bit cheeky!!

My kids have a tablet. And a Nintendo. And I let them watch the telly. It's the same as everything, used while supervised and in moderation is fine. They also play outside, go to the park, read, write and do lots of other quaint, wholesome activities too.

I don't necessarily agree with the content of the game, but you will probably find that your DC is exposed to much worse from other kids in their class at school. My 6YO has already told me other kids in his class play fortnight, drink mountain dew and red bull and watch horror films.

matildaagnes · 15/09/2019 14:32

I haven't heard of a school dictating bedtimes, food and tv programmes. How do you feel about that op? Is it private?

I personally see why you were annoyed particularly with the falling asleep and the fighting game. I have a 4 year old and wouldn't get him an iPad personally, I keep it upstairs away from him (for as long as I can get away with it!) but would feel that grandparents can bend the rules a little as they like to treat the grandkids a bit. My children certainly get a lot more chocolate and tv when with their grandparents!

Armadillostoes · 15/09/2019 14:37

I really don't think that it matters WHY the OP and her partner have chosen to restrict the ipad, if they want to follow advice from their child's school that it is up to them, in the same way as if they had read a parenting book and decided to go with it's suggestions. It isn't for the grandparents to undermine the parents' rules. When you add in that the game sounds potentially unsuitable, and that the FIL was asleep and had no clue whether the 5 year old was still on the iplay, or off playing with a flame-thrower, it's bonkers to suggest that the OP was unreasonable to be cross.

I don't see why some people have to read posts like this as a personal criticism if they have a different approach to technology, and go on the attack as a form of defense.

ForalltheSaints · 15/09/2019 14:37

The OP I think is reasonable in limiting use of technology to avoid it being addictive and so there is time for other things.

The 'they all have them these days' or 'all the other kids do this' argument is about as weak a defence as Man City's was yesterday.

BertrandRussell · 15/09/2019 14:39

“@Bowerbird5 nothing wrong with Steiner schools at all”
Hmm

CoinOperatedBoy · 15/09/2019 14:39

School bedtime (7.00pm)
Uniform
Hair style
Homework obvs but none other than set (no tutoring)
Types of foods preferred
List of tv programmes preferred
List if bedtime reading preferred
Table rules (basic manners really)

Is this a boarding school?

If not then it's a disturbing amount of info on a childs every day life. Stalkerish.

aweedropofsancerre · 15/09/2019 14:40

My 5 yr old uses an ipad for educational purposes. We have apps for maths and english. I do download movies he can watch on journeys but thats it. For your DSS to be on a fighting game the FIL must have downloaded it for him which is more the worry given it doesnt sound age appropriate

Sashkin · 15/09/2019 14:41

Types of foods preferred
List of tv programmes preferred
List if bedtime reading preferred

What?

What did they say you were allowed for tea tonight OP? Are the kids from other ethnic groups or with dietary restrictions allowed their own foods, or do they have to follow the school diet sheet at home as well?

And re: TV - we don’t have one (ironically we use the iPad because then at least it’s a conscious decision to watch something specific not just background noise). Would we have to sell our iPad and buy a TV instead? What if swimming lessons or play dates or just visiting Granny clashes with the prescribed television programme, do we have to cancel our plans to watch the programme the school says we have to watch?

If DS wants to read Spot tonight do I have to say no you can’t, Sundays are The Very Hungry Caterpillar?

Your school sounds crazy. Academy?

ineedaholidaynow · 15/09/2019 14:44

I was going to add to the chorus whether this this is a Steiner school or similar.

At many Primary schools pupils not much older than the OP's DS will be using some form of screen at some point in the school day.

I would be restricting type of game and usage but not overall ban.

Original poster
Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 14:45

Not having a laugh no.

Fatted we’ve had the horror film thing already.

Not a steiner school whatever that is. I have no experience of schools except this one.

OP posts:
WonderWomansSpin · 15/09/2019 14:46

Are you outwith the UK? Is it a Steiner school?
Otherwise I'm Confused at the school stipulating so much of your life outside of school.
TV is no better than an ipad. In fact there is some research that states interactive electronics (eg ipads/tablets/game players) are better for DCs than TV because the interactive element can develop fine motor skills, reasoning, co-operation, etc, depending on the games being played. Whereas TV is a passive activity.

Illberidingshotgun · 15/09/2019 14:46

Well I may be getting sidetracked here, but I would be horrified if my child's school tried to dictate how I bring up my children. Of course uniform, hairstyle etc is absolutely understandable, as it relates to how they are presenting at school. Bedtime?? Whilst any teacher should be concerned if a child is constantly tired at school, and should raise that individually with the parent, children's needs vary so much as to how much sleep they require. I would be horrified if a school told me what I should feed them or what we should watch on tv. Once again, any signs of malnourishment, inappropriate viewing etc should be dealt with individually, as any school should.

Is this the UK OP, and if so, has there been a recent OFSTED inspection?

WRT your FIL, I see no harm in a little extra ipad time when he is with him, although the game may have been inappropriate, which is not on. What was it?