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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL let DS5 have his ipad

155 replies

Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 12:56

DS is 5. He has the iPad when we are flying or in a situation where it’s difficult for a 5 year old to keep still for a long time. School “rule”. DS has always been very good about this. Asks occasionally but gets told it’s only for special occasions etc.

MIL and FIL are here. They are here for their benefit. They needed to do something in our city and we’re a free place to stay. Yesterday I took MIL to do this task (was dropping her off and picking he’d up later) and FIL said he’d look after DS. He knows about the iPad. When I got back DS was playing a fighting game on FIL’s iPad. I took it off him and he was very angry. I’ve never seen him like that. He kept saying he needed to kill the opponent. He’s FIVE!

FIL was asleep.

Discussion about it last night and MIL and FIL admit that although the game wasn’t suitable, not having an iPad is “cruel” because “they all have them these days”

Do they? Do all five year olds have iPads?

Am I being U by sticking to what the school advise?

OP posts:

Crotchgoblins · 15/09/2019 15:57

Ok so the school sounds a bit full on but I agree with them about ipads. Same as tv really, it's mostly a child passively watching, but at least with tv it can be a social activity shared with the family. It's about what they are missing out on whilst they are on the iPad. It's the postures assumed using a iPad often for long periods that are not healthy for children. The games that are designed to be addictive. They are not missing out by not using them at thst age.

I do let my children watch tv ( way too much) and they have access to ipads in education, but I wouldn't get them their own.

Each to their own but not for me.

PlugUgly1980 · 15/09/2019 16:01

When I asked my 5 year old (in Year 1), what she'd been doing at school on Friday, her response was 'taking pictures with the iPad' ...apparently taking pictures of her friends with the class iPad (she was very keen to point out it wasn't Mrs xxx's iPad!).

Our school actively encourage the use of educational app's on the iPad from Foundation 2.

In terms of OP I'd see FIL allowing it as a treat, although I would have expected some guidance around what he was playing / watching.

We have a kindle and iPad for the kids. We do limit use (usually to early morning when they jump in bed with us and we want an extra half hour lie in ). Tablets stay up stairs during the day...out of sight, out of mind unless someone is poorly or something. Same with TV we don't watch much, maybe 30-45 mins on an evening, perhaps more but it's never routinely in during the day.

Everything in moderation is fine.

Trixie121 · 15/09/2019 16:02

My daughter is almost 4 and does not have a tablet and I will not let her have one untill she is much older. I work with children with behavior and emotional difficulties and you are not wrong to be concerned about the effects of technology on young childrens development. There have been many studies carried out that show young children that use this type of technology have higher rates of depression, anxiety and poorer social skills. Not to mention the affects of being exposed to violence and inappropriate sexual material. Kids are watching porn now while they are still at primary school. You wouldn't put this crap on the TV for your child so why give your child free rein of all the horror on the Internet. Makes no sense to me.

noblegiraffe · 15/09/2019 16:14

Think you are confusing the results of neglect with tablet use, Trixie.

Tablets don’t even need to be connected to the internet for DC to use them.

Sashkin · 15/09/2019 16:16

at least with tv it can be a social activity shared with the family

DS sits on my lap to watch specific chosen programmes on the iPad (usually an episode of Bing or Paw Patrol). Or plays music on the keyboard app (we have physical instruments as well). I din’t Really see why that is worse than sitting in front of the tv while I get on with chores.

paxillin · 15/09/2019 16:20

Is this school in North Korea? Do the parents tolerate such interference?

Sashkin · 15/09/2019 16:23

Not to mention the affects of being exposed to violence and inappropriate sexual material. Kids are watching porn now while they are still at primary school

This is like banning reading because some parents leave porn mags in the bathroom. Of course children shouldn’t have access to porn. Using a tablet does not mean giving them access to porn though - luckily there are these things called “parental controls” and “monitoring your child’s internet use”, as well as “not installing the youtube app on the device your preschooler uses”.

joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 16:24

@Trixie121

The kind of parents who give their kids unsupervised access to iPads are usually the same kind who let them watch tv/movies without censorship and allow them to play 18 rated games at 5.

The tech isn't the problem. It's the parents. All of these things are totally fine if used correctly for supervised. Don't blame the iPad for the failing of the parent.

alwayscauseastir · 15/09/2019 16:28

The iPad issue is totally up to you. My youngest got hers last year and could easily be addicted if I didn't restrict how much time she has on it. But besides that, the school sounds ridiculous and my child certainly wouldn't be attending anywhere which told me how to parent!

Tilltheendoftheline · 15/09/2019 16:41

@Trixie121 if you have experience of working with these kids you would know it's not about the tablet. It's about emotional and physical neglect. Where children are allowed tablets instead of parents interacting with their children.

RebootYourEngine · 15/09/2019 16:43

That school is ridiculous. How I parent my child has nothing to do with the school. They can not tell you what to do.

From experience (have a phone/laptop addicted 15 year old) I will definitely be restricting my future children's screen time.

Ludways · 15/09/2019 16:47

I agree with restricting time and the game not being appropriate but I think you're overreacting about FIL giving him the iPad, being with grandpa can be dressed up as special occasion for once. I'm concerned that you're allowing the school to dictate your parenting though, you need to do what YOU feel is appropriate. Remember you have to prepare your child to be an adult in a technological age, technology is s huge part of modern life and will continue to play an even greater part in the future, life is changing in many ways and your ds's school seem ill prepared. Everything in moderation.

Amummyatlast · 15/09/2019 16:55

I think iPads are fantastic educational tool. When DD (age 6) asked me the other night where poo goes when it goes down the toilet, I used my iPad to find an explanation given by our water provider, which included videos/animations. Her reading is excellent, helped in part by the Teach Your Monster to Read app.

I was about to type that no 5 year old should be playing a game that ‘kills’ things, but then remembered that she has played the odd game of angry birds (helping with her with problem solving).

Like anything, it’s not the tool itself but how people use (abuse) it.

FixItUpChappie · 15/09/2019 17:02

My 6yr old and 9yr old do not have tablets or play video games. They are at school, all day, they have activities often after school, on days they don't they have homework. On days they have time I can set them up in front of a screen or they can go play - with toys, with their imagination, with each other or spend time with us. I would rather they do those things. When the tablets are introduced kids seem to drop playing with toys - in our case it would be because we have no time to do both. I've chosen for them - toys it is. They will have plenty of time for tech gadgets and childhood is so fleeting.

YANBU OP because your ILs should respect your decisions as a parent and because kids have so many other things they could be doing with their time.

HollowTalk · 15/09/2019 17:58

Why are you following the school's rules about parenting your children?

It's so much easier for parents if the school has a policy like that, though. God help any teacher who is teaching a small child who's hooked on his/her tablet.

Toffeecakes · 15/09/2019 19:24

The school rule is sensible, but there has to be some flexibility. FIL was asleep; the iPad kept DS in situ until you got back. Not ideal but, meh, it's a one off. I wouldn't have said anything except that next time he can play x/y/x game as the others aren't appropriate.

matildaagnes · 15/09/2019 19:54

Actually the new wave of no excuses schools like Michaela are very anti technology and don't use any in the classroom including smartboards. They also have rules they ask parents to sign up to such as an imposed bedtime and appropriate food and books. That's secondary though. I haven't heard of primary schools doing that yet so would be interested to know more about this one.

joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 20:17

Actually the new wave of no excuses schools like Michaela are very anti technology and don't use any in the classroom including smartboards

To me that's just weird. Not utilising basic tech that will be used in the workplace is backwards thinking.

noblegiraffe · 15/09/2019 20:27

Michaela use computers and projectors like most schools in the classroom. Smart boards are a waste of money.

joblotbubble · 15/09/2019 20:31

So not anti tech like the op suggested? In that case ignore my reply.

RainbowMum11 · 15/09/2019 20:43

Our school uses iPads in the classroom and they recommend a couple of apps for helping with maths & phonics.
My DD6 loves watching numberblocks and things on the iPad.
The fighting game doesn't sound appropriate but access to iPads/tablets isn't always a bad thing & can help them learn.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/09/2019 21:10

Many schools now set homework using screens in some form, contact parents via tech, parents can make payments to schools via apps. With the exception of schools like Steiner there are very few technology free schools

matildaagnes · 15/09/2019 21:32

noblegiraffe you sound as if you know more about it than I do. I just said it as I saw an interview with the head where she said they don't use laptops and minimal use of computers so a bit more radical than just not using smartboards because they are a waste of money.

Just had a google to see if I could find anything and his is what she says about technology:
i standpointmag.co.uk/issues/march-2018/features-march-2018-katharine-birbalsingh-technology-menaces-children-and-culture/

Anyway, it's a bit off topic. It just popped into my head as similar to the school described by the op.

noblegiraffe · 15/09/2019 22:11

matilda that article says that they set online homework and the kids can go to the school computer room to complete it. I know they also use TimesTables Rockstars in maths.

She’s not anti-tech, but there’s a lot of tech use in education that’s actually a bit of a waste of time and she’s anti that. She’s also very anti-kids having smart phones and social media, and tbf she has a point.

Cryalot2 · 15/09/2019 22:50

Kids do not need phones or ipads
There are lots of other things that can entertain them .
No one in our house has an ipad .

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