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AIBU?

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Original poster

FIL let DS5 have his ipad

155 replies

Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 12:56

DS is 5. He has the iPad when we are flying or in a situation where it’s difficult for a 5 year old to keep still for a long time. School “rule”. DS has always been very good about this. Asks occasionally but gets told it’s only for special occasions etc.

MIL and FIL are here. They are here for their benefit. They needed to do something in our city and we’re a free place to stay. Yesterday I took MIL to do this task (was dropping her off and picking he’d up later) and FIL said he’d look after DS. He knows about the iPad. When I got back DS was playing a fighting game on FIL’s iPad. I took it off him and he was very angry. I’ve never seen him like that. He kept saying he needed to kill the opponent. He’s FIVE!

FIL was asleep.

Discussion about it last night and MIL and FIL admit that although the game wasn’t suitable, not having an iPad is “cruel” because “they all have them these days”

Do they? Do all five year olds have iPads?

Am I being U by sticking to what the school advise?

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 15/09/2019 14:50

Are you sure you've sent your child to a school and not a cult?! Hmm

ineedaholidaynow · 15/09/2019 14:52

I can see some schools making suggestions, especially if they are having pupils going in tired due to very late nights, addicted to screens and bringing in rubbish in their packed lunches, but they can't dictate what happens at home.

Is this a private school?

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 15/09/2019 14:52

My husband's colleagues think it's cruel that we don't have a games console for my kids (9&6). We thought that was hilarious and a bit sad. The school however, encourage the children to read books and do maths online. I'd rather they had real books (not a snob, just a dyslexia specialist) so that's what we do. My kids get grumpy if they have too much screen time so we restrict it.
You need to impress upon the grandparents the importance of supervision with the internet, eg those horrible violent Peppa pig videos that come on after you've watched a real Peppa pig. It's not like just sticking cbeebies on. They might not realise.

Reversiblesequinsforadults · 15/09/2019 14:54

Is the bedtime reading suggestions for good books or more dictatorial? Just interested.

kateandme · 15/09/2019 14:57

tricky one.im wanting to keep all that stuff away from the kids for as long as possible.i hate the sight of them in situations where i know when we were little wed just be sat there creating or you know,being bored! i think it sets them up for a fail but putting it there all the time from the off.
and i do think the tv is different.dont know why but it is.tv has always been there its not internet or social or gaming.its much more tame.
i also know there is circumstance where it can be ok.
but it very much depeands on the rules you have as a family and of course the attention and nurture your giving your kids in the empty spaces.

kateandme · 15/09/2019 14:59

and grandad should be playing with him.i know im harping back to "GOOD ol ays talk" but we/they never needed them before and dont now

AhNowTed · 15/09/2019 15:06

Whatever about the school rules Hmm

Re your FIL, just let it go. It's a one off and they're visiting. They'll be gone soon enough. No real harm done and not worth fighting over.

Pcosmama · 15/09/2019 15:07

Two 6 year old boys in our family and neither of them have ever had an ipad and both are performing as expected in technology sessions at school.

The game was inappropriate, but I'd be more upset at FIL for falling asleep than anything else.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2019 15:11

Very surprised at rhe school. Personally I see no issue with an iPad, in fact with the right content it can aid development as they play games. Agree the game wasn't suitable, but with the right content I think having one is a positive. As long as they get outside time too and don't spend all their time on it, I'm not seeing an issue, and I'd assume a large percentage of kids have access to a tablet.

Floralnomad · 15/09/2019 15:14

You are the parent if you don’t want your child to use a tablet then that’s your prerogative . I find your child’s response to the game quite extreme . As for your list of school rules that’s just plain bizarre and frankly the school would be being told to keep its nose out of my life .

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2019 15:15

The school is totally out of order! (So was your FiL)

They are not the parents.

They can give advice. They can run courses on cyberbullying and safety online. They can share guidance re bedtimes and diet.

They CANNOT class them as 'rules' and I am staggered that any parent would treat them as such.

DDIJ · 15/09/2019 15:15

This reply has been withdrawn

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Aderyn19 · 15/09/2019 15:17

OP, do you make any parenting decisions at all? I think you need to take back control from the school. Maybe have a look at other schools and how they do things. Otherwise you are effectively allowing them to raise your child for you.

Teddybear45 · 15/09/2019 15:17

Ipads or video games don’t cause violence or aggression in kids but can make existing problems worse. However the answer isn’t to ban them altogether but control access - it’s fairly easy to do nowadays

Sashkin · 15/09/2019 15:22

Teachers also had a strict curfew.

How on earth was that enforced? Was it written into their employment contracts? So as adults, their employer banned them from going out to dinner or to the theatre, and felt it could prevent them from returning from holiday on an evening flight?

Nogodsnomasters · 15/09/2019 15:25

School don't get to dictate what you do at home with your child so you really don't need to stick to it just because school "says so". I agree it doesn't need to be constant or violent but it really doesn't need to be never either.

reluctantbrit · 15/09/2019 15:25

The only kind of school I know who hates any kind of electronics are Steiner schools.

Bedtime of 7pm would mean I hardly see my child. I still do choose what is a good bedtime story or not especially as we read to DD in two languages.

Things like uniform, hair and homework are the only things a school has any say about it. Food - packed lunch is one thing, family meals are different. TV programs - see books.

Our primary school promotes IT usage especially as it is part of the curriculum and they ask for homework using all means necessary, they recommend apps for spelling, time tables, simple maths, they recommend websites for research,

A school with your rules would mean my child wouldn’t attend.

DDIJ · 15/09/2019 15:28

This reply has been withdrawn

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Alexel · 15/09/2019 15:28

I got the amazon fire where I pay monthly to have age appropriate games. I sometimes sit DD next to me like on my arm lol, give her "yellow" the amazon fire and snooze if I'm on my period. Its a godsend.

I think ipads are fine as long as you control what's on them. It's not sometimes I personally would give my child daily to play with but I think it's more our lifestyle doesn't allow it. When shes ill and stuck at home she definitely uses it more. Otherwise we are walking the dog, tending veg garden and winters we are skiing or she goes on sled with other kids so we have no time to let her use it. Yet if we didn't have those activities I don't know. Would she be gaming? Hmm

Tilltheendoftheline · 15/09/2019 15:30

A school bed time of 7pm. From 4 years to 11 years.

The school could fuck right off, in my opinion. They have no right to dictate anything outside school. I work with my kids school. Do the home work etc. No way would they be trying to make me send my 8 year old to bed at 7.

As for the tablet. I think yabu and very over the top. The school is being ridiculous with no screen time. The primary schools round here have tablets IN school.

Aragog · 15/09/2019 15:31

School cannot tell you what to do at home, in terms of iPad use, etc.

Never heard of this and I teach this age group, and my subject specialism is computing. I teach using computers and iPads every day. I have never once dictated to parents how they should parent, and would be appalled if my school, or nay school my child went to, did so.

Whilst you are not unreasonable to set your own rules, you are unreasonable to allow school to dictate parenting rules to you in this way.

Aragog · 15/09/2019 15:39

School bedtime (7.00pm) - they can't enforce this. It won't work for all families and 7pm is very early for many children. For many families the children would never see their parent(s) in an evening with such a rule. Not all children need 12 hours sleep either!

Uniform - fair enough, whilst they are in school they can dictate this (although there are some exemptions esp for 4 year olds)

Hair style - as above

Homework obvs but none other than set (no tutoring) - if I want a tutor for my child I would do so. School cannot enforce such a rule. And is this for all subjects? What about for music, drama, singing, sport, etc?

Types of foods preferred Absolutely ridiculous!!!

List of tv programmes preferred What kind of school is this?!?!

List if bedtime reading preferred - Hmm

Table rules (basic manners really) - something all parents should be doing anyway but school really can't, ad shouldn't, be trying to dictate family life and general parenting

TBH the more I hear of this school the more I would be removing my child from their influence! They are massively stepping over the line in terms fo their role.

Are you in the UK, op?

MonChatEstMagnifique · 15/09/2019 15:39

This has to be a wind up. If not, I'd be moving schools.

donquixotedelamancha · 15/09/2019 15:47

And they would add no using black paint or crayons t il (I think) around 10.

This is a common myth. Kids are allowed to use any colour they want at Steiner schools- they just get taught that white crayons on white paper is the best combination.

Chewbecca · 15/09/2019 15:48

He was looking after your child for you, it’s not the end of the world if he used the iPad.

I’d be much more bothered about him being asleep.