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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL let DS5 have his ipad

155 replies

Tajmahalmarble · 15/09/2019 12:56

DS is 5. He has the iPad when we are flying or in a situation where it’s difficult for a 5 year old to keep still for a long time. School “rule”. DS has always been very good about this. Asks occasionally but gets told it’s only for special occasions etc.

MIL and FIL are here. They are here for their benefit. They needed to do something in our city and we’re a free place to stay. Yesterday I took MIL to do this task (was dropping her off and picking he’d up later) and FIL said he’d look after DS. He knows about the iPad. When I got back DS was playing a fighting game on FIL’s iPad. I took it off him and he was very angry. I’ve never seen him like that. He kept saying he needed to kill the opponent. He’s FIVE!

FIL was asleep.

Discussion about it last night and MIL and FIL admit that although the game wasn’t suitable, not having an iPad is “cruel” because “they all have them these days”

Do they? Do all five year olds have iPads?

Am I being U by sticking to what the school advise?

OP posts:
Breathlessness · 15/09/2019 13:19

What NobleGiraffe said.

ethelfleda · 15/09/2019 13:19

Definitely depends on what’s on the screen.
Nearly two year old DS watches videos on YouTube- we pick them out to teach him about the world!
For example, DM bought him a toy fire engine to play with so I showed him a fire truck video to explain to him what they do. He then became obsessed with said video (and fire trucks in general) so we took him out to an open day at a fire station which he loved. He got to sit in the fire engine and everything. We wouldn’t have known he liked them if he hadn’t watched a video of them.
We did the same with helicopters and trains etc etc etc

Alsohuman · 15/09/2019 13:19

The game was obviously inappropriate and you're all agreed on that. I’m very surprised that anyone allows their child’s school to dictate their parenting at home. It’s a real over step of boundaries - and I don’t have many.

northerngirl2012 · 15/09/2019 13:20

I wouldn't worry about him being on the ipad and watching cbbc etc or similar or playing age appropriate games. You left him in FIL company to babysit, so his rules. However, the fighting game was totally inappropriate. I'd just mention that to him and ask him to delete it before he gives it to DS or make it password protected etc.

As far as no Ipad use, its a screen all should be limited not banned as then they'll fixate on wanting them more.

GirlOnFireWaterPlease · 15/09/2019 13:22

My kids got tablets when they were 6, but they rarely pick them up. They would not want or be allowed anyway violent games.

GatoFofo · 15/09/2019 13:24

I think that your ipad rules are a bit (very)strict, but I would be furious about the fighting game and the fact that your FIL fell asleep whilst looking after your ds.

Lots of educational games are available online (CBeebies app etc) and children at this age learn through play.

Aderyn19 · 15/09/2019 13:26

Fil shouldn't have ignored you or allowed an unsuitable game. But I also think the school are overstepping. Parent your own child - you don't need school to tell you how to do it.
I think iPads are great. Your child can do so many interesting, educational activities on it, he doesn't have to just play games. Obviously it shouldn't be all he does but while I've voted yanbu, I do think you are a bit ott with this level of restriction.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2019 13:26

I don’t see the difference between an hour of tv and an hour of iPad. The iPad can be educational or more relaxed and down time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2019 13:27

Your fil shouldn’t have allowed your ds to play the game though.

Blahblahblahnanana · 15/09/2019 13:31

Yes, isn’t that normal?
No it’s not normal! They can make suggestions to limit screen time but what children do at home in their leisure time is none of the schools business, unless he was getting to school late due to spending too much time having screen time and not sleeping.

I mean they can’t enforce it but they have definitely dos and don’ts which they expect families to adhere to

What other rules do they expect parents to follow in their own homes?

LipstickTaserrr · 15/09/2019 13:32

Restricting iPads can make them become the forbidden fruit.
Children do need to be able to use this technology, it's part of our world.
My DD had a homework task to be able to log on by herself using her own username and password to access things like reading eggs and mathletics. If she had never used an iPad before she might struggle to understand how that works.

Missingstreetlife · 15/09/2019 13:32

Children should be running about, playing games with other people, not on their own, stuck in the grip of addiction to screens. Tv is different, but too much of that isn't good either. It's fine to chill out but fil should not do something you have said no to.

Chitarra · 15/09/2019 13:34

YANBU at all, OP. It is your decision as a parent how much screen time your child has (whether or not you're following school guidelines).

FIL not only went against your rules (while you were doing MIL a favour) and have DS an iPad, but also allowed him to play an inappropriate game completely unsupervised and now seems to think it's ok to argue that you're in the wrong not him!

Chitarra · 15/09/2019 13:34

*gave not have

LipstickTaserrr · 15/09/2019 13:35

I agree that the issue here is a responsible adult was not supervising the child they should have been. Whether that be a fighting game or painting the carpet/emptying the cutlery drawer (whatever activity seems a good idea at the time)

OctoberLovers · 15/09/2019 13:35

What are the school rules that they want you to stick to at home?

AfterSchoolWorry · 15/09/2019 13:36

My child got a tablet at 2.5. She also has a laptop for Sims and Minecraft, which she got at 6.

Totally normal.

Although I wouldn't have let him have the fighting game.

I think by censoring these things you don't do children any favours. They'll become forbidden fruit and the child will obsess over them.

coconuttelegraph · 15/09/2019 13:37

I don’t see the difference between an hour of tv and an hour of iPad

Unless the OP's TV allows her DS to play fighting games I'd say they are very different things.

The arguement that children need to use an ipad to function in todays world doesn't hold water. I've never used an ipad, nor have my DC and we all manage perfectly well, my older DC have good GCSEs, A levels and jobs, none of these required them to have had a tablet while growing up

DippyAvocado · 15/09/2019 13:38

I think the fighting game is unsuitable but maybe if your DS had more regular access to an iPad suitable for him he could have chosen a more appropriate activity himself. If grandparents are looking after my DC I like to make it as easy for them as possible.

Myriade · 15/09/2019 13:39

I hate it when people say that 'its just part of their life and if you dont let them have ne, its becoming the forbidden fruit'.

When children grow up wo them they grow up learning to do something else with their time. It doesnt put them at a disadvantage at school etc... School will very goo at offereing them many occasions where the children will be using a computer or an ipad.

@Tajmahalmarble, your ds is 4yo. If you dint wnt him to be on an ipad, then its ok. There are plenty of things that children should be doing at that age. Things that are essential for their development such as make belief games, running, playing, drawing etc etc...
LATER, you might have to look again. I know I had to but you have plenty of time before crossing that bridge.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/09/2019 13:39

Is it some insanely expensive hothousing private school where they expect kids to achieve all top grades and that's what you're paying for? Because I guess such a school might have non negotiable home expectations. However most schools don't tell parents how to parent at home, no.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2019 13:39

@coconuttelegraph
I said below I didn’t agree with the game. I was addressing the ops rule about high days and holidays and you have confused the two.

SquidgeyMidgey · 15/09/2019 13:40

YANBU, are they gone?

There are so many screen time rules around and we all choose what we think is right, so the validity of your choice is not the issue here. FIL pretending to babysit so he can have a sleep while you drive MIL around would be annoying me more than them trying to deflect by saying you're cruel for not giving a 5yo an iPad on demand.

justasking111 · 15/09/2019 13:41

FIL WAS ASLEEP!!!

The I pad is the least of your worries.

Myriade · 15/09/2019 13:41

@CodenameVillanelle, well schools will struggle to tell children to not spend too muh time on a screen/ipad when they are also the ones to demand that the dcs have an ipad for school (Secondary yes but the idea is still the same).
And then wonder whey said children spend the time in class glued on their ipad, playing of course, and at break time, not talking to each other anymore....