AIBU to need clarification on this?

[Ninkaninus]

Will hold off for now on saying who I am in this scenario.

What would you take this comment by B to mean:

Going out for a drive on a lovely sunny day with a view to deciding what to do en route.

Person A ‘I’d like to go for a walk round a nice little town and then go have a cup of tea in a pub, like a Sunday roast but not.

Person B ‘Once you’ve seen one town you’ve seen them all.

(For context, person B generally does not like going out and doing stuff, doesn’t like people, doesn’t like noise and crowds, doesn’t like overstimulation, is an introvert)

Would you take person B’s comment to mean, ‘I don’t want to walk round a town and then go to the pub’

Or would you take it to mean the person is just making conversation, it’s a neutral comment, they don’t mind walking around a town and then going to the pub.

I agree that you sound very hard work. Perhaps you could look into some of these issues and address them rather than focusing on your relationship.

I suspect you are very draining on your OH.

B doesn't sound like a ball of fun himself.

Yes I have been aware for years that it’s likely he has some form of ASD. I work quite hard to make allowances for it. I don’t mind doing that because I love him so much and he absolutely is the best man, really kind and hard working and looks after me well and he’s not anxious about the same things I am so he does the things that stress me out and I do the things that stress him out. This emotional reaction of mine and the angry arguments have only been in the last couple of years though. We have had a difficult couple of years with things outside our relationship and I was very unwell with stress for a year and didn’t really sleep at all for six months. I think that difficult period has really decreased my ability to deal with things, hence I have got worse. I had had an interview on Friday (I find them excruciatingly difficult and very, very stressful) so I was probably operating at a heightened stress level.

But I’m not using that as an excuse. Ultimately I don’t want to be like this. I want to be different, I’m just not sure, or if I can be different enough.

Sorry just not sure how to be different.

Personally I would get too caught up in the idea that you or both of you are on the spectrum.

I would seek help and support. But it could something else.

Investing in 'it must be x, that makes me this way', could end up with you very upset if it turns out to be Y.

Sorry wouldn't get to caught up in it.

he’s not anxious about the same things I am so he does the things that stress me out a

Here's the thing. Empathy means him trying to not do the things that stress you out, even if he isn't anxious about the same things as you. Empathy means understanding that two people can have similar feelings about different things.

You need to be able to communicate over the things that stress you out, and he needs to find ways to understand, and between the two of you work out ways to cope that make life calmer for both of you.

You cannot "be" different. How you react is how you react. You say you have some self calming strategies already. You can both learn some different ways to communicate, and you can organise things differently between you (for example you could agree your plans before you leave on a day out) But if the only way you can be together is to "be different" then your relationship isn't going to work. And that doesn't mean it's all down to you. It takes two.

Ok I need to go and get stuff done now. Thank you all for your comments.

I’m not going to grovel. But I am definitely going to apologise and I take on board the comments that I am hard work. I don’t want to be difficult.

Going back to the original question, I’m glad that a lot of people would have read his comment the same way. I’m going to stop asking him to do things with me that he doesn’t enjoy. There’s no point in expecting him to be different than he is, and I think that’s actually where I went wrong in the first place. Every time I think it might be different, and it never is. I don’t want to do things with someone who is going to make comments about how pointless stuff is and then expect me to believe that he doesn’t actually mean them that way at all and that he’s really fine with doing it. Even if that is the case, it just takes all the joy out of it. I should probably get better at doing things on my own.

The other issues of my own problems and emotional resilience and dealing with anger that I need to sort out are separate from that really, and I will have to do some hard work. I agree there’s no point in becoming invested in the label of ASD, but I’m going to look at some resources anyway to see if I can garner some good strategies for managing the things that make me anxious and stressed, and tips on how to moderate my reactions. Therapy scares me because there’s a shitload to unpick and I’m not sure I’m strong enough for that.

He's boring and grumpy, you're a drama queen.

Oh the doing things that stress me out and vice versa was meant in terms of what needs to get done in the course of being a functioning adult - we have different strengths and weaknesses so we balance each other out well in that way. I take care of anything that involves dealing with people because he really gets stresses about that (believe it or not I’m actually quite good at that) and he does a load of things that i Would have a difficult time coping with.

This is really the only sticking point in our relationships

Thanks all. I have talked this through and feel less panicky which helps a lot and your insight has been really valuable.

I will work on strategies I can put into place myself first and after that I will work up to facing therapy of some kind.

I think it’s good to want insight about oneself and to be able to work on things about ourselves that make life harder for us, especially when those elements effect our relationships & communication with others.

Yes that’s all brilliant, and it’s good you want to do that. I genuinely think that.

However, it worries me a little how quickly we appear to apportion fault and indeed, abnormality to anyone who has some imperfections. And I’m such strong and dismissive language.

I believe everyone has some things they need to work on, and that doesn’t condemn the entire human race. We are humans, not super humans and therefore are all somewhat flawed in body and mind. We’re all a bit imperfect and works in progress.

Let’s not lose sight of the value of kindness, and generosity towards ourselves and others.

Seek to resolve issues yes, but don’t hate yourself on your journey, and don’t view yourself as broken please... be kind and love yourself, warts and all :)

Thanks also for that comment about not being different. That is another thing that exasperates him a lot. I always say that I can’t promise I’m never going to react that way, but that I’ll try. Perhaps I’m framing it incorrectly by looking at it as ‘being different” (I can’t imagine actually changing who I am in any fundamental sense), when actually I don’t need to be different, i just need to change how I do things, which doesn’t feel impossible. I don’t think I’ve expressed that well. But it makes sense. I have learned a lot from this. I don’t ask for help often (don’t really have anyone to ask), so maybe I should do that more often too.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

I posted in AIBU, I can deal it. But on reflection it was probably more of a Relationships thread, and not really about the specific question either.

B's statement could have been taken like that but it's a very unclear communication. A could have clarified though so it sounds like a joint breakdown of communication and nothing which should cause too much of a hoohaa. I think it did though?

I notice you’re taking a lot about how ‘unreasonable’ your behaviour is and how you want to change to keep him happy, OP. Just be careful that you don’t change to the point of being a doormat. He has to learn to compromise too and that includes that he agrees to do some things with you that you enjoy, but that wouldn’t be his first choice. It’s calked a relationship and that includes compromise. The blame does not lie totally on your shoulders.

Why couldn't he just have said that he didn't want to go for a walk in a town-why be so rude about it?

It is annoying if you want to do something & the other doesn't, but to have it belittled like that I would find upsetting.

If he really doesn't like to go out even for a walk though, sounds as if you're in a no win situation.

I don't think you were being unreasonable. (You were both unreasonable to get into a huge row of course.) You said what a lot of people say, it's a nice day let's go for a walk and find somewhere to have lunch. He was the one who acted like a buzzkill, and he was the one who didn't respond in a "normal" way. Perhaps he has ASD?!

Everyone can be forgiven for having the occasional off day, but if he's a miserable wet blanket every time you want to leave the house it may be worth thinking about what he really adds to your life...

I'd just like to add that in my case 'B' was the ASD character...

Any chance that you are both on the spectrum, OP?

I would take it to mean that B didn't want to walk round a town (and I would also assume they were sulking a bit).

He sounds an absolute fucking joy to be around.

I feel very uncomfortable seeing you tie yourself in knots about what you do wrong and your emotional reaction.

I am sure I have been in a situation similar to what you describe. My ex was sometimes unenthusiastic about things. It's not nice if you have to make all the effort to create nice outings/weekend etc. It's horrible if you picture a lovely (romantic?) day together and then hear the negativity/grumpiness.

I remember being really jolly on a weekend morning and then feeling crushed when I realised my ex was in a mood. I definitely had a few tearful moments. I also tried really hard not to show emotion because it annoyed him if I was upset.

Of course your relationship might be a nothing liked mine was. But it just strikes me that there are more ways to see this situation than you being "hard work". A therapist might help you understand the situation and then perhaps consider whether relationship counselling might help with communication.

I'm sorry you had a rubbish day.

I do think neither of you is communicating very effectively and counselling might help you with that.

like to go for a walk round a nice little town and then go have a cup of tea in a pub, like a Sunday roast but not is utterly baffling to me. I would have no idea whatsoever what that meant.

I would find his response equally obtuse but would seek clarification - "Do you mean you would rather not go to a town?"

I hope you make some progress.

I think most people would interpret his response as a no.
He needs to say what he means.

You can't change who you are but you can change how you communicate with each other, perhaps try and find a mutually agreeable activity before leaving the house rather than trying to go somewhere and then decide what to do when you get there, or changing plans at the last minute, if you're both on the spectrum that is likely to be a cause of anxiety, you shouldn't always have to do what OH wants, look for ways of comprising, with DS (now an adult and the more severe member of the family) we would do things that had to be done first then do something of his choice afterwards, as he's got older we have been able to vary the order of things but changing plans at the last minute will always be difficult for him to cope with.

Some of the best walks that I've been on scenery wise are along the disused railway lines (tracks long since been removed and grassed over)

I think people are being very harsh on you op! Yes you could have handled things better, but equally your partner sounds very hard work! You have talked about you accommodating his needs and I'd imagine get yourself tied up in knots trying to please him? Sounds like you are not compatible- you are not the only one who was at fault here.