AIBU to need clarification on this?

[Ninkaninus]

Will hold off for now on saying who I am in this scenario.

What would you take this comment by B to mean:

Going out for a drive on a lovely sunny day with a view to deciding what to do en route.

Person A ‘I’d like to go for a walk round a nice little town and then go have a cup of tea in a pub, like a Sunday roast but not.

Person B ‘Once you’ve seen one town you’ve seen them all.

(For context, person B generally does not like going out and doing stuff, doesn’t like people, doesn’t like noise and crowds, doesn’t like overstimulation, is an introvert)

Would you take person B’s comment to mean, ‘I don’t want to walk round a town and then go to the pub’

Or would you take it to mean the person is just making conversation, it’s a neutral comment, they don’t mind walking around a town and then going to the pub.

I’m usually much better at expressing myself.

For further context, we usually don’t walk round towns or go to pubs, we usually go walking away from people. I make allowances for the fact that he doesn’t like it.

It sounds like you both overreacted. I agree you maybe took it a bit personally that he didnt want to do exactly what you wanted and you should have just asked what he would rather do. There was a lack of communication so you needed to be clearer upfront in future.
It sounds like a mountain out of a molehill situation so i would advise you apologise and make the most of the rest of the day.

Sorry op but you sound completely ott and very hard work. You cried, and now you’re shaken up, having had a big argument, over the fact he didn’t really fancy wandering around a town, then going for a cup of tea (a bloody shit sub for a roast btw). You could’ve just, I don’t know, thought of some more ideas?! Mountain, molehill.

You knew exactly what you wanted to do when you decided to get dressed up, then pretended to suggest the idea to your DH like he had a choice in the matter, then had a tantrum when he wasn't enthusiastic about it.

Make plans before you get ready next time.

Sorry but I think you overreacted.

I think you overreacted OP. But on the other hand your DP was being an utter misery. If he didn't want to do your plan he should have suggested an alternative rather than just shitting on the whole day and shutting the discussion down. I'd find his behaviour very frustrating.

Hope you managed to rescue the day.

OP your reactions arent normal. You invested so much in getting 'dressed up' and having a lovely day, even though there was no plan. Then getting teary because he didnt jump with enthusiasm at your first suggestion.

Then you say that he gets you and when you talk in a way that doesnt make sense to others, but show no sign of trying to understand what he says. Just become emotional.

Then when he trys to park up, you say you dont want to do that because he isnt brimming with excitement. I dint get this either. You wanted to do something, got upset when he showed less that maximum enthusiasm, so he does it then you dont want to do it.

In relationship we all spend days doing something that may mor be our first choice, but our partner really wants to. I cant imagine dp wanted to come shopping with me for a dress for the races, but he knew I wanted to do it and wanted to spend the day with me. Doeant mean he has to fake excitement.

Hmm, I can struggle with the things you list as his/your reasons for thinking ASD, but with me it's caused by PTSD. There are multiple explanations for such things.

Anyway... What does momentarily tearful mean? I can imagine feeling a sudden jolt of distress/disappointment if I was all excited about a lovely day and then someone (inadvertently or otherwise) tore through my sails. An emotional response is not abnormal, sobbing and shrieking might have been but I assume that's not what you meant.

Having emotional responses to your experiences is a normal part of being human, and it sounds like you manage your emotions in healthy ways. So I'm not sure, based on what you've said, why you seem to think it's abnormal.

If the issue is just the communication style between you, that is something that could be worked on if you were both open to doing so? Joint therapy?

Although maybe you'd find individual therapy for yourself helpful first? Get some insight into yourself and build your own coping mechanisms and address your own difficulties first?

OP, I have just split up from a B.

He would 'tolerate' going out, but wanted to go round places as fast as possible and head home to watch TV. I couldn't enjoy being out because I always felt that he just wanted to go home and couldn't wait for me to stop enjoying myself so he could get back to Tour De France or whatever was on. Stately homes and museums were to be galloped through as quickly as humanly possible (although he would linger in a cafe if I was paying. If he was paying we wouldn't go in at all).

You are too different. Eventually the resentment wears you down. I've now got a new lease of life, I a single and can go in every damn museum and stately home I want (and also wander around little towns, look in shop windows and end up in a cafe if I want).

Are you perhaps upset that he NEVER wants to do what you want and hence the emotional reactions to it because it happens over and over and you are always the one appeasing him/trying not to rock the boat?

I think you need couples counselling. Hard to tell over the internet if he’s correct about ASD traits/rigid thinking or if he’s being slightly gaslight-y to deflect from his own shortcomings.

I hear you OP. And yes yes yes to ASD. It sounds like what happened was you had a clear picture of how you wanted/thought it would be, including how you would dress and look, and then his reticence/lack of enthusiasm shattered that but left you with nothing to replace that vision. For a person with ASD that can be confusing and frightening.

I would have read his comment as ‘I don’t want to go’ ‘if you want to do that go yourself’ -I’m staying in to watch the cricket-

They were already out. He wasnt telling her to do anything alone

You just aren't suited op....

It can be upsetting when you've built something up in your head especially if it's romantic, you've made the effort and then it goes down like a sack of shit. Sorry you were disappointed OP
I'm not sure if this is the dawning realisation you think it is though, because emotions are heightened. Give it some thought and a bit of time then reexamine.

I thought we we were driving to somewhere else, I didn’t realise he was going to stop in a town - we often drive and just stop somewhere and walk.

Yes, I’m aware I need to build emotional resilience. But in my forties I’m not sure there is a lot I can do to change the fundamentals of my character. I also don’t necessarily believe that I should have to. Why is it so awful to get momentarily tearful?

I am very sad at the thought of leaving this relationship.

I am sad at the thought that actually I’ve got serious problems and they are just part of me and because of the nature of it there is little that can be done, you can’t cure something like that. So although the possibility of ASD is a relief in one way because at least there’s an explanation, it’s also upsetting.

I don't understand why you got even momentarily tearful, that's a massive overreaction to someone not wanting to do something that you had prepared to do. If you want to avoid being disappointed, don't get dressed up without making yourself clear first. I still don't understand the "cup of tea like a Sunday roast but not" bit.

Neither of you communicated clearly, and I'm baffled as to why you didn't just ask follow-up questions in the car to clarify and instead took to MN to get strangers on the internet to interpret your conversation. I don't know about your differences, but if you can't both communicate effectively then yes, that's an issue.

And yes yes yes to ASD. It sounds like what happened was you had a clear picture of how you wanted/thought it would be, including how you would dress and look, and then his reticence/lack of enthusiasm shattered that but left you with nothing to replace that vision. For a person with ASD that can be confusing and frightening.

As a person witn ASD, it important you communicate that. It's our responsibility to try and avoid these situations.

OP clearly had it all planned out had a clear vision of how that day would go, but didnt communicate it with him.

We use “zones of regulation” with the ASDers here. It’s useful, and can help us identify exactly what’s going on, as it isn’t obvious. We had an almost identical scenario yesterday when something didn’t turn out the way my son had imagined it would be. To a casual observer it was a minor delay, but he burst into tears and broke something he really likes.

Person B is being their usual moaning git .

He then got angry with me and in response I got angry with him. It was a stupid petty spat but it turned into a huge argument.

How is this anything other than both parties overreacting?! [Hmm]

*Why is it so awful to get momentarily tearful?&

How would you feel if you expressed an opinion and the person, someone you love, tears up all the time you give your opinion.

I thought we we were driving to somewhere else, I didn’t realise he was going to stop in a town - we often drive and just stop somewhere and walk.

So how did the conversation go AFTER the offending comment?

He says “once you’ve seen one town you’ve seen them all.” You get momentarily upset. He keeps driving ... was there NO further discussion of place/destination?

The problem is that you've not agreed a plan before you go out.

Rather than being all fluffy, you could have said "I'd like to go to (name of pretty town), have a walk around then we can have a drink at the pub". To which he could respond "good plan", "sounds crap" etc.

Nothing to get upset about, but next time be clearer, and make a plan before putting on wafty outfit.

And I didn’t pretend. I had already mentioned earlier in the day what my mood was. He had already suggested I wear comfortable shoes, I had checked specifically about the shoes I wanted to wear because they were suitable for walking around in a town but not for going on a proper hike type walk. They would have been fine for wearing in a wood with proper walkways though, which is why I said we could go elsewhere.

zones of regulation I like the sound of that. How do you do that. My oldest has had a late diagnoses of ASD and my middle boy and I were discussing how we could help him and us communicate more effectively, without so many disagreements. I think it’s a lack of knowledge on our side and his inability to see other’s views.