AIBU to need clarification on this?

[Ninkaninus]

Will hold off for now on saying who I am in this scenario.

What would you take this comment by B to mean:

Going out for a drive on a lovely sunny day with a view to deciding what to do en route.

Person A ‘I’d like to go for a walk round a nice little town and then go have a cup of tea in a pub, like a Sunday roast but not.

Person B ‘Once you’ve seen one town you’ve seen them all.

(For context, person B generally does not like going out and doing stuff, doesn’t like people, doesn’t like noise and crowds, doesn’t like overstimulation, is an introvert)

Would you take person B’s comment to mean, ‘I don’t want to walk round a town and then go to the pub’

Or would you take it to mean the person is just making conversation, it’s a neutral comment, they don’t mind walking around a town and then going to the pub.

Why is it so awful to get momentarily tearful?

It's not. But this is mumsnet where anything less than being an emotionless robot will result in you being called abnormal and lambasted.

So he was doing the thing you wanted to do, then you said not to do the thing, then you got upset and started crying. You need to work on that and build resilience.

You were hardly going to manage a walk round the countryside in a nice dress, hat and a basket bag.

Hmm. I have ASD (diagnosed as an adult). If I have an idea of what to expect or plans in my head and someone changes them, I find it very difficult to adjust. It can cause a meltdown. Meltdowns for me often present as tearful, hyperventilating. It’s not nice. It’s also not something I can help. What does help is making sure I’m clear about plans in advance, making my wishes known so we can discuss things and I can adjust if needed (but I still need time!).

Honestly I went out with a B. It wasn’t a healthy relationship. One time I suggested we go to an NT property for a day out. He said afterwards ‘That was nice. I didn’t want to come but I’m glad you made me’ Things aren’t always peachy with DH but he gets how I’m wired and gives me the time I need. Have a look at Tania Marshall’s guide to ASD in women and see if it fits: taniaannmarshall.wordpress.com/2013/03/26/moving-towards-a-female-profile-the-unique-characteristics-abilities-and-talents-of-asperwomen-adult-women-with-asperger-syndrome/

@Ninkaninus
It’s most definitely not too late to work on your resilience, Amazon has lots of resources.
However, there is nothing wrong with being tearful/crying, and it’s about time people realised it, it’s not being weak or pathetic, humans cry, it releases the emotions that we would otherwise stuff down inside and bury. If that makes your dh uncomfortable then that’s his issue, not yours.

Yes, that vision of what’s going to happen and being unable to cope if it doesn’t happens to me a lot.

I also have cause for PTSD so perhaps that comes into it too. I dunno.

But I’ve realised I was completely unreasonable. And I’ve realised that it’s not as straightforward as I had thought - many people would take it to mean what I thought, but many also wouldn’t. And I don’t even think that’s my main concern anymore.

He’s so lovely. It’s not his fault that he’s an introvert, and now that I can see how unreasonable I am I really feel quite bad.

Yes your reaction is common to ASD - expecting something to happen in your head and then it not happening can lead to a very emotional reaction that seems bizarre to an onlooker.

People with ASD need notifying of changes to what they expect to happen well in advance. Knowing this, it would be helpful for you to communicate to your partner what you expect the day to look like and agree on a plan before getting in the car.

B doesn't want to go.

Sounds more like a personality disorder than asd. Not a biggie can be managed with proper talking therapies.

You do sound like a bit like you have a fantasy of living in small town 1950s middle England too.

The problem is that you've not agreed a plan before you go out

I totally agree with this part. I think I’m your head you’d planned your day out without communicating to him. The dress shoes and bag suggest you had a set idea of what you’d like to do, yet this was a surprise to him. You were more disappointed because the plans changed and your vision of the day suddenly became less clear and clouded. It causes chaos in your head.

I have an ASD daughter and know how to handle her disappointment - she would react the same

I suggest in future you make clear plans.
I get where you are coming from.
I live quite rurally and when I make plans with friends I always ask if We are walking anywhere as it is too far to walk in anything other than comfortable footwear.
I like to be prepared and dressed for occassion.

To be honest, it all sounds a bit wishy washy. We decide where we are going and what we are doing before we go out. We then dress accordingly, take a spare jacket in the car, and we go. We do whatever, then discuss whether to have a coffee in the nearest coffee shop [usually that's a yes] and then head home.

Id get a bit annoyed if I'd dressed for A and then halfway through the day he suggested B.

I think if you literally can't communicate these things, then you need to call time on this relationship as these things are fundamental to your emotional well being.

Thank you all for your replies.

I agree that you sound very hard work. Perhaps you could look into some of these issues and address them rather than focusing on your relationship.

I suspect you are very draining on your OH.

Surely after his comments about all towns looking the same or whatever, you would have asked for further clarification? Rather than getting momentarily emotional over nothing? A simple "so yes or no?" Would have worked.
You're right, you do communicate differently, in that you hardly seem to do it well at all!

I would probably interpret it somewhere between the two: 'I would find it rather boring to go round a town and then to the pub, and I'd rather do something else, but it's not a big deal for me and if others strongly want to, I'll go along'. If person B really feels strongly, then they should probably put it more strongly: 'I'd really like to get away from towns and crowds today - could we do something else (give suggestion'?

I am sorry you are upset but I am afraid I think (being honest) it is you at fault here. And yes, you do need to self reflect. And work out how to change a bit/communicate better. And probably not ASD - just communication issues.

And I can say this having been where you are.

I used to have a mental plan of how the day/weekend was going to go. Do x/y/z. Throw in maybe little chore a/b/c. Eat d,e,f.

My plan was not always a set in stone - but enough that if DH suggested something different, did something (started a DIY thing/laze around drinking coffee on a Saturday morning..how dare he!! ) that would upset my planned schedule I would get upset. I would be passive aggressive (like you - tearful is PA, sorry) or grouchy, grumpy, hurumphy. You name it . My plan was upset. I was pissed off. He would then think wtf. Sometimes an argument would ensue often

We eventually talked it through. And as DH reasonably said - it is his day/weekend too. He has thoughts, ideas, plans for how he would like to spend the day. He has jobs he wants to do that he cannot do during the week. But he got that I had stuff I wanted to do. So we needed to work out how to compromise.

So now we talk. Honestly. What we both want to do. The ideal schedule of when to do the stuff. We agree it early doors - normally Thurs/Fri. Just a vague idea. He understands that I like to weekends as (sometimes) an opportunity to cook lovely food for us all (more time than the weekend). A feast sometimes feels like an expression of my love. And so I have an internal dialogue about what/when how to cook etc and sometimes that directs my "plan". I get that he is on very tight timescales and work so likes the weekends to have some flex time. Some time for spontaneity. He used to get hacked off that somehow our weekend was being determined by when a bloody joint of beef needed basting!

And do you know now - it works. We agree both of our wishes are valid. And we can work out a way to meet most of both of our needs as long as we are also flexible enough to compromise.

I cook a feast less frequently -(noone dies of lack of love-food) and try to build in more flexibility with my weekend-meal planning. Especially as we have agreed that (for example) Saturday is going to be more a suck-it-and-see kind of day, may go out, may stay in.

Talk.

yourestandingonmyneck how fucking rude and unkind.

Yes, I expect I am very draining to be around. This is the first time that I’ve realised how much so. I’ve always thought our arguments have been 50/50 blame for each party (or at least some ratio) but now I’m having to face the fact that actually it’s probably mostly me. I don’t think I want to inflict myself on him anymore.

I appreciate the comments. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to answer any more questions if that’s okay because I think it’s pretty clear I was the unreasonable party, and people will probably just need more clarification from my clarifications.

It has helped to see it from others’ perspectives though, and I appreciate that.

Ninkaninus, maybe the two of you, if you stay together, can learn about ASD and try to use that education to communicate more effectively. I’m sorry you’re finding everything so difficult and PTSD would also explain your reaction to misunderstandings. I know you can pay privately for an assessment but I’m not sure if that’s viable for you financially. Is it something you’d consider.

I must ask though. When he says he thinks you’ve ASD, is it done in a kind way or as an insult?

I think it’s done in a kind way. I think he just finds me utterly baffling a lot of the time,.

It’s so hard. Work is really hard for me too. But I keep going because really, what choice do I have?

Anyway I don’t want to start feeling too self-pitying and self-indulgent. I’ve lots to think about now, and some grovelling to do.

For what it's worth OP, I think you sound very nice and self-aware. Don't be too hard on yourself! We all have our issues. At least you're trying to address yours. X

I'd work more on being straight with him (and others). As women we can be conditioned to be over polite, let others decide and make plans, and that often leads to disappointment because we do know what we want to do!

OP, Don't grovel, that's bad for you and bad for him.

Have a calm conversation about it and look into the underlying stuff, going forward.

@CarenzaLewis2 oh bugger off. She said she is starting to realise how difficult she is to be around and then mentioned possible health issues. I'm agreeing with her that she needs to address these, put herself first and get some help for these issues.

Agree - don't be too hard on yourself - and don't grovel. It is not about that. It is about accepting you both need to work on your communication - he needs to talk to you too!