AIBU to need clarification on this?

[Ninkaninus]

Will hold off for now on saying who I am in this scenario.

What would you take this comment by B to mean:

Going out for a drive on a lovely sunny day with a view to deciding what to do en route.

Person A ‘I’d like to go for a walk round a nice little town and then go have a cup of tea in a pub, like a Sunday roast but not.

Person B ‘Once you’ve seen one town you’ve seen them all.

(For context, person B generally does not like going out and doing stuff, doesn’t like people, doesn’t like noise and crowds, doesn’t like overstimulation, is an introvert)

Would you take person B’s comment to mean, ‘I don’t want to walk round a town and then go to the pub’

Or would you take it to mean the person is just making conversation, it’s a neutral comment, they don’t mind walking around a town and then going to the pub.

Woahh! Wish I could delete my seccond "don't be too hard on yourself" reassuring post ^

Just think about what you have just done in this thread.

Your "Yes, I am awful, I shall not inflict myself, woe is me..." Is this how you react to any comments from him? More examples of passive aggressive. You don't like what you have heard so you turn into a victim? You have turned this from listening to how to solve it to "Poor me. Woeful me. Please don't kick the poor woeful puppy-dog-eyes-me....be nice to me and pat me on the head."

Just reflect. And be honest. Would you want to deal with that shit from someone else?

I don't think you are at all difficult OP. You were clearly excited and happy and your DH rained on your parade. I think he was mean. He could have put aside his introversion to make you happy and comfortable. But he chose not to. If he is NT then surely the appropriate response is 'Lets! And you look lovely'. Later, if tired, he could have simply said - 'can we go somewhere quiet' - and presumably, you would have complied. I think he was selfish.

I suppose not but I’m not dealing with him here, I’m just verbalising how I feel right now. Talking about how I feel helps me to feel less overwhelmed.

I have a very hard time with moderation, everything I feel is magnified so much that it takes up all the space in my head. So then I have to talk myself down after, to where I can think things through rationally.

I will look for some resources on how to deal with this so that I can learn to moderate myself and to communicate more clearly.

You needed to agree your plan before you went out.

You are not spontaneous people. Your (plural) communication skills are not up to the pretense of being so. Make clear plans. Stick to them. Negotiate any necessary variations clearly as you go along. Listen to each other. See clarification instead of leaping to assumptions. Be kind to each other and learn to accept each others' kindness.

He'd already agreed to go out in the car with you, to go for the right kind of walk. You needed to accept his graciousness in doing what you wanted to do, rather than sabotage your own plan. He needed to stick with his own graciousness, not try to undermine it with grudging comments and moody undercurrents.

The obvious response to his unhelpfully negative comment about 'seen one town' was to ask him to clarify and to say what he would like to do.

I know someone who behaves exactly as you describe yourself behaving. Very volatile, very wearing, very hard work. Has no idea how much impact her behaviour has on other people. Because for her it's 'outburst then over with' (forgotten so fast she fails to apologise for it, or even remember that she did it - you might not be as bad as this). For them it's a constant underlying risk of being shouted at or cried on. A lot of people keep their distance, which is a shame, as she's lovely and interesting in many ways.

She is constantly getting upset and shouting at people because they have failed to conform to expectations she had not communicated. Morever, if she had done and had bothered to listen to their answer, she'd usually find out her expectations are not tenable because they're based on her own assumptions, which do not match reality, or other people's wants. So she constantly gives the impression of being hard done by, left out by others, when actually she's massively presumptuous in expecting everybody else to do exactly what she wants, without thinking about whether it really suits them (as opposed to her made-up notion of them, their interests, intentions and experience).

So, expressing emotion in itself is fine. But using emotion to manipulate people, because you can't be arsed to communicate clearly, or listen to other people, is not.

If you really are like her, you'd benefit from therapy.

Yes I recognise myself a fair bit in that description. Maybe not to that extent, but definitely worthy of examination.

I will look into therapy. I don’t want to be like this.

(For context, person B generally does not like going out and doing stuff, doesn't like people, doesn't like noise and crowds, doesn't like overstimulation, is an introvert)

Sounds a bit like my kids, stbxh and his father, both kids diagnosed with an ASD, stbxh and his father are not diagnosed yet. Does OH display more symptoms of ASD? It's interesting that he thinks you might have ASD and clearly has some understanding of it, is there a reason why?

NB, my family do display many more symptoms of ASD than those mentioned.

Thank you also for kind comments, I am a nice person too in a lot of ways but this is one part of me that I really don’t like, and also it’s getting worse as I guess our patterns of engagement with each other are becoming more entrenched. I don’t want it to continue.

There really is no need to be so catty to the OP.

I think it’s likely that he is on the spectrum. Which is probably one reason why this is happening.

Oh yes, I see. You've just done the self-sabotaging 'I really want you to do this thing with me. You're doing it despite not really wanting to. So now I'm going to cry because I've put you out and I am not worthy of you' thing. He was doing what you wanted. Enjoy it. Next time do what he wants and be gracious.

Same on the thread. 'I really want you to agree with me. Oh no, I am not worthy of anyone's support.' Such a lot of self-absorbed dramatics.

Up and down, from self-centred exptression of wants, to self-centred expressions of abasement.

You're not all good or all bad. You're not beyond criticism. You're not beyond help.

Sorry if that's harsh. But I find DFriend exasperating (despite many excellent qualities) and am expressing that here, as you're doing such a similar thing.

I’m not clear on where I’ve done that on the thread, but perhaps that’s my problem in a nutshell.

I would much rather not drive him away with this, as most of the time we are genuinely happy together. But my efforts to moderate my behaviour and in particular my emotional responses haven’t been very successful. Perhaps because I was trying to go about it in a way that wouldn’t work for a particular set of issues.

Hi OP,
Sorry you’ve had a row and are feeling rubbish.

You said you’re in your 40s and too old to change, I’m sorry but I don’t believe that! It is never too late to make changes, particularly when they’re important ones that make your life better and you happier. I think it’s something called “interpersonal effectiveness” that needs work, eg how effectively you communicate and relate with the important people in your life.

Your extreme reactions and big feelings make me think of myself. I have been diagnosed with BPD which is not the horrible scary thing some people assume it to be- quite a lot of people with BPD have suffered traumatic events but not all, there is also some crossover with ASD.

I really recommend Dialectical Behavioural Therapy or DBT as a way of learning to live with big emotions and how to communicate effectively with others.

This has been very helpful. I can recognise that from the outside it is frustrating/exasperating/irritating, but I don’t really know how else to be when it comes to how I feel - that is my feeling at that particular moment. He says similar things to what you are saying, so I think you are probably right. It’s very confusing for me, though. I can’t imagine being any other way....when I feel something it is all I feel, it is the only thing that exists at that time. I guess that comes across as dramatics to people who don’t react that way. Or is dramatics if we're going to take it that one side sets the level for how it should be. But for me it’s just how I feel.

Thank you, I’ll make a note of those.

BW that is some stretch. OP is taking on board what has been said to her and is posting with grace. Just because she isn't being pigheaded doesn't mean she's manipulating everyone!

This thread is hard work and I'm afraid it does sound like you are hard work. But for your upset

It also struck me that once parked up you were prepared to change the plan to something he would find more acceptable, since you usually take his dislike of noise, crowds etc into consideration and then he started the argument, so changing plans at the last minute seemed to affect him more than you.

How dramatic and manipulative it is does depend a lot on how you behave afterwards. Calm down apologise and move forwards? Or, expect him to 'rescue' you and build you up again, or to capitulate to your wishes? Or act like it never happened and refuse to discuss it?

To be honest I would think he shows more signs of ASD. Is he projecting onto you?

You emotional reaction was a bit OTT - BUT none of us were there so we don't know the underlying emotional temperature.
My DD with ASD can react overly emotionally but it usually happens when a lot of little things have built up. I suspect this is what is happening here. Neither of you seem to be communicating very clearly.
If you want things to improve maybe some form of counselling focusing on communication could help.

But I do think he seems to put a lot of the blame on you, when it is at least 50 50

For context, person B generally does not like going out and doing stuff, doesn’t like people, doesn’t like noise and crowds, doesn’t like overstimulation, is an introvert)

@Ninkaninus i would say it sounds more like your OH had ASD traits than yourself

Lottie I'm not seeing what you're seeing and some of your posts are quite cruel. Maybe you're thinking of your 'up and down self obsessed dramatic, manipulative' friend and projecting? I really can't fault OP's responses here.

Don’t trivialise your feelings OP. Your emotions aren’t the problem- they are there to tell you something. It is just what you do with your emotions - it does sound like you need to manage your emotions better, it does sound a bit like you are ruled fully by them and that it is having a detrimental effect on your relationship.

A good start is to name the emotion and think about why you are feeling it- then think about what you want from the situation and what the most effective way of getting that will be. For example, you wanted a lovely and happy day with your partner, he made you sad/angry by being negative about your plan. You then became further from your goal of a nice day as your unfiltered reaction made him angry- this probably brought up a lot for you both.

It takes a lot of practice and effort to become better at managing situations like this, but on a good day, I would in your place be able to be sad at OH’s reaction, but be able to say, oh that’s a shame, well I want to have a nice day with you, why don’t we do blah or what do you think would be a nice thing to do? And then you’d hopefully have had a nice day, and the emotions would have just been a bump on the road and not derailed your entire day.

Just gonna add my opinion

I Don't think you were overreacting whatsoever by having a little emotional moment

Sounds like something I would do

I think person B sounds grumpy and depressing

I would much rather not drive him away with this, as most of the time we are genuinely happy together. But my efforts to moderate my behaviour and in particular my emotional responses haven’t been very successful.

Don't take all of this onto your own shoulders. You and your DH both have poor communication patterns. He sounds at least as ASC-ish as you do, and while you may over-emote he seems to under-empathise.

it’s getting worse as I guess our patterns of engagement with each other are becoming more entrenched. I don’t want it to continue.

You are good candidates for relationship counselling so that you can both learn to break these patterns and communicate better with each other.