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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Friend is a massive CF?

171 replies

SummersB · 15/09/2019 08:49

My friend has two DDs, 8 and 10, who are friends with my youngest DD.
Friend messaged me a week or so ago to ask if I would look after her DDs yesterday as she had an important work related event to attend. No times or details were given, except the nature of the event so I knew it was important she went. After I agreed she messaged me again to say “ok great I can send them up (they live 2 minutes walk from our house) for 8:30, or (her) DH can drop them off.
Now, I’m not going to lie, I like my lie ins. I work shifts and it’s a very rare occasion that I am off all weekend. Our other two DCs are older teens so don’t need immediate attention in the mornings, so DH and I like to lounge around in bed, have a coffee, wait for the teenagers to make their way downstairs and maybe use the time to DTD... you get the picture. Friend knows this, which is why I’m sure she didn’t tell me the time when she first ask me. But I had agreed and it was important to her so I (grudgingly) replied along the lines of “haha as you know I’m not usually up at that time, so maybe best to send them up by themselves so as to spare your DH the sight of me in my PJs at that godforsaken hour! I’ll make them some breakfast if you want” (thinking I was being extra nice).
So yesterday morning comes and as we are looking after my DMs dog at the moment who is a rescue and whom I don’t trust around strangers kids I get up at bloody 7 am to walk dog for an hour with the plan to drop her round my DMs for the morning so as to keep her out of the kids way. I get back at 8 am to find friends kids already here, sitting in my living room with my youngest DD! When I asked them what time they got to mine they said 7:45! And to top it all off they also told me that the reason their own DF wasn’t looking after them was because he was attending to his hobby, not because he was working as I stupidly assumed.
So, AIBU to think my friend is a massive puss taker? I would never impose my kids on anyone at that time at the weekend unless absolutely necessary, and I certainly wouldn’t send them round 45 minutes early. WTF?
There is a backstory to this as my friend has form for taking advantage. She is really sweet and lovely and will always offer to do favours or help out, but it always feels like it is done so she „has one in the bank“ IUKWIM, and will ask for any favour back tenfold. I ended up feeling really taken advantage of, which is why over the past year I have started to disengage massively and these days rarely see her. I’m so annoyed to have fallen for her again!

OP posts:
user1480880826 · 15/09/2019 15:06

The real cheeky fucker here is the husband. He’s out his hobby ahead of his kids and ahead of you.

Husbands and their hobbies! They get away with absolute murder.

Herocomplex · 15/09/2019 15:07

A work event? Is that a jolly then? It’s not work, so optional?
Imagine being those girls, hearing that discussion, being packed off down the road at 7.45 knowing how inconvenient you are.
Yes the parents are CF’s.

icontrolthebullshitnow · 15/09/2019 15:20

There are no members in my partner's cycling club who have kids younger than mid to older teenagers. I can't imagine how men with younger kids can cycle as a hobby and engage with family/domestic life

BustedDreams · 15/09/2019 15:24

I totally agree with @Soon2BeMumof3. You don’t cross examine mates. By the same token you don’t take the p either. OPs friend is a total p taker and I wouldn’t be doing any more favours any time soon. YANBU.

combatbarbie · 15/09/2019 15:34

What's the hobby? I'd be making it clear on pick up that you know he wasn't working..... Her DH is a dick!!

combatbarbie · 15/09/2019 15:34

Sorry just realised it was yesterday but I'd still be making it known

BloggersBlog · 15/09/2019 15:44

OP mic drops...and leaves

SauvignonBlanche · 15/09/2019 15:53

OP mic drops...and leaves
Maybe CF friend is a MNer?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/09/2019 16:10

I agree with seaweed42, OP, you're behaving like a martyr. Either stop doing that or relish the the role and stop complaining.

If somebody asks me to mind their child(ren) and I can do it, I will, it doesn't matter what the reasons. If I can't or don't want to, I won't. Straight and simple.

itwaseverthus · 15/09/2019 16:22

The friend is a cf because she must have known her dh had prioritised his hobby. It was up to her to put a stop to that, not rope you in and ruin your weekend lie-in under false pretences.

teachermam · 15/09/2019 16:44

If you agreed to it you should know you'd be giving up your lie in

She should've told you they'd be early but since u were up anyway o don't see it as a problem

RebootYourEngine · 15/09/2019 16:55

Have you messaged her yet? It is quite cheeky to send them round 45 minutes early.

dustarr73 · 15/09/2019 20:37

Has @SummersB not come back because the kids are still with her.

Original poster
SummersB · 15/09/2019 21:12

Hello all, I went missing because within the first few posts I realised what a moshpit AIBU is haha. I don’t mind being told that I behaved like a martyr - it’s probably true at times and I am trying to address that. I also don’t mind hearing that there are people who wouldn’t have minded that sort of behaviour from my friend - that’s totally fair enough! But I couldn’t be arsed traipsing through posts blaming me for being precious about my lie in (I don’t think I am)/telling me I should have found out about details before agreeing (I kind of did but she decided not to stick to them by sending her kids over 45 minutes early) etc...
anyway, I know it’s annoying when an OP doesn’t come back so to answer a few questions:
The hobby is an outdoor activity like cycling, her DH meets up with some mates every now and again when he gets a chance. Nothing structured/an event where he had to attend. He fancied going and so arranged it and went AFAIK.
No, Friend did not see me walking the dog and decided she could send her kids round as there is no Chance she could see my house from hers and my walking route is in the opposite direction.
It was definitely the friend who sent the kids early as her DH had already left - her DDs told me
I have not confronted Friend or her DH. I do not know her DH well enough and could not be arsed discussing it with her. It’s the final straw and I will never ever do her another favour as she has form for taking the piss. It was also the final straw four out friendship - I’m fully disengaging now. I also stopped my own dH from contacting her as he was so cross. He has been fed up with her for ages and has previously warned me not to say yes to her ever again.
Just to clarify: I’m not that cross that they asked me to mind the kids, he’s DDs are nice and play well with mine. Although I would have appreciated if she had been upfront and said childcare wasn’t necessary as her DH could do it but would like to pursue his hobby. I’m just massively pissed off that she sent them round 45 minutes early after I had made it clear that 08:30 was really early for us already. She did not know that we are looking after DMs dog and I had made it clear that if it wasn’t for her kids we would still be in bed. And no, I would normally walk the dog much later, about 10ish, so I wouldn’t have been up that early otherwise.

OP posts:
threesenoughthanks · 15/09/2019 21:19

To be fair I wouldn't want the confrontation either OP. However, she has reached her piss taking limit with you now and you know to just say no to ANY further requests.

Napqueen1234 · 15/09/2019 21:29

Maybe having kids has ruined me but I really don’t think 8:30 is early at all? 😂

Original poster
SummersB · 15/09/2019 21:54

Napqueen that used to be me 🤣 but my kids are 19/15/11 now so after many, many years of getting up at the crack of dawn I now enjoy a delicious lie in/lounge in bed with a book and coffee/shag/etc on the rare occasions I am not working (for context this is maybe once every 4-6 weeks as I work ALOT of weekends).

OP posts:
BloggersBlog · 15/09/2019 21:55

Was nothing said when whoever picked the kids up then SummersB? A certain air of frostiness even?

Runningsmooth · 15/09/2019 22:01

She's a CF. A big CF. Their time is more important than your time or so she thinks.

Original poster
SummersB · 15/09/2019 23:18

The kids were not picked up, she messaged me when she was back home and I sent them on their way. As I said, I am really not confrontational and I don’t think telling her I was pissed off with her behaviour would have been helpful. I just need to stop being a martyr.

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 15/09/2019 23:42

It’s the final straw and I will never ever do her another favour as she has form for taking the piss. It was also the final straw four out friendship - I’m fully disengaging now.

Please stick to this. Fuck all these people saying 8.30 isn't early, it is if you work shifts and lie-ins are rare and your kids are older. And it's not the point, she sent them early and didn't even pick them up. She's a CFer.

I hope you're working on this 'not confrontation' because it allows people to fuck you over and it's actually not confrontation to not allow that to happen to you.

timshelthechoice · 15/09/2019 23:43

She let kids that age just go back on their own, didn't even bother picking them up?

Original poster
SummersB · 16/09/2019 00:25

And in case anyone still wonders why it took me 6 pages to answer, Seaweed42 gives a perfect example of the kind of insane responses you can get from some posters: “You have poor boundaries. You gushed and practically fell over yourself in your attempt to tell her that having her kids would make your day“ Umm ok then Confused

To be fair, I would not have expected her to pick them up. We live extremely rurally with no through-traffic in our village and all the kids play out unsupervised from a certain age onwards on a daily basis. But you are right, I need to work on being more confrontational in certain situations!

OP posts:
CIareIsland · 16/09/2019 00:40

SummerB - if you are saying you didn’t come back to the thread because you were floored by throw away comments by random anonymous strangers on the internet - then you really do need to get support to emotionally protect yourself better. That is really sad.

However you have come back fighting, so that’s a start?

Seriously you sound like you work v hard, have a big busy family and are v kind and open. I hope that you didn’t waste precious headspace or a day of worried or offended by comments. These forums are so that you can gauge opinion - take it or leave it if relevant to you.

itwaseverthus · 16/09/2019 00:50

Good for you op, let her go and, if you don't want to say anything, let your silence speak for you. Takers never change.