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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Friend is a massive CF?

171 replies

SummersB · 15/09/2019 08:49

My friend has two DDs, 8 and 10, who are friends with my youngest DD.
Friend messaged me a week or so ago to ask if I would look after her DDs yesterday as she had an important work related event to attend. No times or details were given, except the nature of the event so I knew it was important she went. After I agreed she messaged me again to say “ok great I can send them up (they live 2 minutes walk from our house) for 8:30, or (her) DH can drop them off.
Now, I’m not going to lie, I like my lie ins. I work shifts and it’s a very rare occasion that I am off all weekend. Our other two DCs are older teens so don’t need immediate attention in the mornings, so DH and I like to lounge around in bed, have a coffee, wait for the teenagers to make their way downstairs and maybe use the time to DTD... you get the picture. Friend knows this, which is why I’m sure she didn’t tell me the time when she first ask me. But I had agreed and it was important to her so I (grudgingly) replied along the lines of “haha as you know I’m not usually up at that time, so maybe best to send them up by themselves so as to spare your DH the sight of me in my PJs at that godforsaken hour! I’ll make them some breakfast if you want” (thinking I was being extra nice).
So yesterday morning comes and as we are looking after my DMs dog at the moment who is a rescue and whom I don’t trust around strangers kids I get up at bloody 7 am to walk dog for an hour with the plan to drop her round my DMs for the morning so as to keep her out of the kids way. I get back at 8 am to find friends kids already here, sitting in my living room with my youngest DD! When I asked them what time they got to mine they said 7:45! And to top it all off they also told me that the reason their own DF wasn’t looking after them was because he was attending to his hobby, not because he was working as I stupidly assumed.
So, AIBU to think my friend is a massive puss taker? I would never impose my kids on anyone at that time at the weekend unless absolutely necessary, and I certainly wouldn’t send them round 45 minutes early. WTF?
There is a backstory to this as my friend has form for taking advantage. She is really sweet and lovely and will always offer to do favours or help out, but it always feels like it is done so she „has one in the bank“ IUKWIM, and will ask for any favour back tenfold. I ended up feeling really taken advantage of, which is why over the past year I have started to disengage massively and these days rarely see her. I’m so annoyed to have fallen for her again!

OP posts:
Tonnerre · 15/09/2019 10:04

I think you need to find out the facts before you make assumptions about your friend. It could be that she and her husband have been having massive rows about this because of his refusal to give up his hobby to accommodate her work obligations, and that it was he who left early leaving her with no choice but to send the children round early.

Irrespective of your need to get the dog out of the house, wouldn't you have had to get up early anyway to let it out for a wee?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/09/2019 10:05

good's text is spot on.

I'd have sucked it up, but only if her dh was also working. I think it's proper cheeky for her to expect you to give up your leisure time to look after her dc's if her husband won't give up his.

billy1966 · 15/09/2019 10:07

OP, @goodlookings
Perfect text.

But I would add, "tell him to return and collect them".

Absolutely no way would I accept that.

Not in a million years would a friend of mine do that.

She is certainly no friend to you and I would not be made a fool of like that.

I am firmly of the belief that when CF behave like that and get away with it, they believe that the person they have conned is an idiot and fool.

CF's never get caught for things like this.
They also have a fair idea of whom to target.

No way would I let this go.

She has majorly taken the piss and needs to be told very firmly.

Otherwise be prepared to be thought of as a soft touch.

Janicejaniceahmfallin · 15/09/2019 10:07

People seem to be missing the point that the OP only got up early to walk the dog and drop it off because these kids were coming round, thereby adding another layer of arse ache to the whole arrangement.

Massive pisstake. Send goodlooking’s text.

MintyT · 15/09/2019 10:08

Have you done anything about it

OverByYer · 15/09/2019 10:08

It is cheeky but I wouldn’t say anything as not worth falling out over. Just don’t do it again.

cushioncovers · 15/09/2019 10:12

Also depends what the 'hobby' is. If it's a casual thing then yes it's totally unreasonable not to miss it for once. But if it was an important event or an ongoing commitment, or something booked ages in advance, I don't think it's outrageous to ask a friend for a favour. But they should have been honest about it.*

I Agree, that's why I asked op what the hobby was but she's not responded yet.

cushioncovers · 15/09/2019 10:12

Bold fail

Belfield · 15/09/2019 10:16

I wouldn’t have an issue with the time. I’d have a problem with DH not looking after his own children and you being used as a replacement. Unless this hobby was something extremely important. I’d send her a text along the lines of hope work is going okay. Kids are here safe and sound, dropped off at 7.45. We will enjoy having them here. I thought your DH was working too and that you had no options. Of course I will try help but unfortunately not if you’re dh is available. I don’t have many weekends to myself so hope that’s understood. I would personally be very annoyed. Other people’s useless husbands are not my problem

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 15/09/2019 10:17

"You have asked me to give up my leisure time so your husband can enjoy his?"

She's a CF, and she has a DH problem.

Doesitevenmatternow · 15/09/2019 10:18

I think the hobby thing is irrelevant unless friend specifically stated he was at work. She was stuck, she asked for help, op agreed.

I would wait till friend is finished work and ask her if she knew children were dropped 45 mins early.

FairiesontheSwing · 15/09/2019 10:21

YANBU. I would text her.

Hi CF. The kids had a nice time with DD today but I was surprised they arrived at 7:45 rather than 8:30 as agreed. I was also surprised to hear that their father could have been looking after them as he was not working. I feel I have been advantage of here so please don't ask for weekend babysitting again.

HazelBite · 15/09/2019 10:21

I have a friend who is a very involved Grandmother and is very happy to look after her GC's at any time.
Her DD phoned her up a few months ago and said could she come over asap as her 3 year old had to go to ballet class and she didn't want to take the baby with her. GM was a bit reluctant but drove the 45 mins to mind the baby at dd'd and son in laws house.
She was minding the baby,and was alarmed to hear a noise upstairs , to be followed by son in law appearing in the room, he had been having a lie-in!!
Now thats CF'ery!

FrauHaribo · 15/09/2019 10:29

Start time is irrelevant, either you agree or you don't.

Unless it's a medical emergency, you don't have to feel obliged to do anything.

45 minutes early is a massive piss-take! And whatever the actual time!

DarklyDreamingDexter · 15/09/2019 10:32

You have two choices 1) call her out on the massive pisstaker she clearly is and say you won't be doing it again, ever, for all the reasons stated previously or 2) Say nothing on this occasion (except perhaps a slight moan about the early drop off) but NEVER agree to anything like that ever again. Whichever way you decide, stick to your guns and don't let her get away with in future. CFs only get away with it because people let them.

Littletabbyocelot · 15/09/2019 10:35

I remember my mum telling me that one of the hardest parts of my dad's depression was that she couldn't safely leave us with him but her friends couldn't understand why she'd need childcare when he was around. It left her feeling trapped and weirdly she was able to work more flexibly and even have a social life when she became a single parent.

If she's genuinely a friend I would give her a chance to explain why this happened and find out if there is anything wrong.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 15/09/2019 10:35

Another call for sending goodlooking’s text!

MrsRufusdog789 · 15/09/2019 10:35

She's maybe not as sweet and as lovely as you think . As everything sound to be a quid pro quo .
However she might have thought by you saying I'll give them breakfast if you like meant an earlier start ? The kids may have got it wrong about the DH ' s hobby but I doubt it .
If you say as you are entitled to no more favours you'll no doubt feel the backlash - it'll all be your fault in her mind no doubt . Speaking from experience when big favours are withdrawn I've always had nasty comments .(with long term dog walking for one )

Windydaysuponus · 15/09/2019 10:36

Raise them 45 mins and send your dd's round to play tomo at 7 am...

MrsRufusdog789 · 15/09/2019 10:36

Should have added long term dog walking done as a favour not for payment or any other reward .

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 15/09/2019 10:39

God it's not the end of the world is it? You should have just said no when she initially asked you.

Storm - teacup. Maybe shag your husband tonight or something?

Boysey45 · 15/09/2019 10:40

I don't know if it would be worth having an argument with her.I'd just dump her and block her, shes a user. Its not upto you to help facilitate her husbands hobby.
I might if I was very annoyed send him a text saying theres an emergency he has to come straight away. When he arrives just tell him to never take the piss out of you again.

ddl1 · 15/09/2019 10:42

I think your friend was unreasonable in expecting all this of you, and especially in not making everything clear at the start. But I also think that you were unwise in not clarifying all the details before you agreed.

TidyDancer · 15/09/2019 10:44

I think I would have to say something. CF's keep on getting away with these things because people let them. They need to be confronted.

dontlikebeards · 15/09/2019 10:48

YABU - she asked you to look after her kids, you said yes. You didn't check any details before saying yes, therefore your fault.

The issue with the dog is also your fault, you surely knew you would be dog sitting and would need to get the dog out of the way. That's not your friends fault.

The only CF bit is the kids arriving 45 early. I would be a little pissed off with that but it's not the end of the world