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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Friend is a massive CF?

171 replies

SummersB · 15/09/2019 08:49

My friend has two DDs, 8 and 10, who are friends with my youngest DD.
Friend messaged me a week or so ago to ask if I would look after her DDs yesterday as she had an important work related event to attend. No times or details were given, except the nature of the event so I knew it was important she went. After I agreed she messaged me again to say “ok great I can send them up (they live 2 minutes walk from our house) for 8:30, or (her) DH can drop them off.
Now, I’m not going to lie, I like my lie ins. I work shifts and it’s a very rare occasion that I am off all weekend. Our other two DCs are older teens so don’t need immediate attention in the mornings, so DH and I like to lounge around in bed, have a coffee, wait for the teenagers to make their way downstairs and maybe use the time to DTD... you get the picture. Friend knows this, which is why I’m sure she didn’t tell me the time when she first ask me. But I had agreed and it was important to her so I (grudgingly) replied along the lines of “haha as you know I’m not usually up at that time, so maybe best to send them up by themselves so as to spare your DH the sight of me in my PJs at that godforsaken hour! I’ll make them some breakfast if you want” (thinking I was being extra nice).
So yesterday morning comes and as we are looking after my DMs dog at the moment who is a rescue and whom I don’t trust around strangers kids I get up at bloody 7 am to walk dog for an hour with the plan to drop her round my DMs for the morning so as to keep her out of the kids way. I get back at 8 am to find friends kids already here, sitting in my living room with my youngest DD! When I asked them what time they got to mine they said 7:45! And to top it all off they also told me that the reason their own DF wasn’t looking after them was because he was attending to his hobby, not because he was working as I stupidly assumed.
So, AIBU to think my friend is a massive puss taker? I would never impose my kids on anyone at that time at the weekend unless absolutely necessary, and I certainly wouldn’t send them round 45 minutes early. WTF?
There is a backstory to this as my friend has form for taking advantage. She is really sweet and lovely and will always offer to do favours or help out, but it always feels like it is done so she „has one in the bank“ IUKWIM, and will ask for any favour back tenfold. I ended up feeling really taken advantage of, which is why over the past year I have started to disengage massively and these days rarely see her. I’m so annoyed to have fallen for her again!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 15/09/2019 12:25

It is wrong if the favours only go one direction. If she helps you at times that might be inconvenient to her too (which could be different to yours), then I don't think she did anything wrong.

Friends are there to help. I would have helped in this instance, even on the basis of the husband going on activity. I would however feel free to also ask her similar favours, and the friendship would end if her response would too often be that it is not convenient for her.

Cakeisbest · 15/09/2019 12:28

I think for your own peace of mind you need to ask your friend for the full details of why her DH couldn’t look after the kids. Perhaps she’s embarrassed to tell you that he’s an arse who wouldn’t cancel his hobby without making it more trouble than it’s worth, so the solution was to ask her friend if she could take the kids. By the way, I also think you’re a great friend to her, and you’re still entitled to feel miffed at the early drop off. You’re friends - ask her for the full picture, she may need a good friend more than you realise.

kennyjenny · 15/09/2019 12:35

I wouldn't have a problem with the time at it. It's not that early and you're helping out your friend. I would be upset if my friend agreed to look after my children and then moaned about it after.

I would be upset about the husband though. You need to question her about that.

cformiaowy · 15/09/2019 12:39

This would really piss me off and once I knew that her DH was dicking about going to his hobby (probably cycling) I'd have dropped them straight back and called him immediately to meet me.

Who does that? You only ask people who would have to go out of their way if you're really desperate, not if you'd prefer not to.

So fucking selfish the pair of them

Autumnsloth · 15/09/2019 12:52

It's also second hand from the kids that he's doing his hobby - maybe he has something important to do and the kids have not been told / have assuemd, so it might be worth confirming this with adult before laying into friend.

timshelthechoice · 15/09/2019 13:02

I wouldn't let this go and would send goodlooking's text. She's a CFer and her husband's a nob.

BrendasUmbrella · 15/09/2019 13:02

I'm so tired of hearing about women foisting their kids on other women because their DH's sacred hobby schedule must not be interrupted by having to take care of his own children. Just, ugh. (Yes, he might be out finding a cure for cancer on Sunday or something just as noble, that still doesn't mean his time is more precious than the OP's.)

Don't agree to this again. If you agree to have them, it's with the caveat, not before 11am or whenever really suits you. Anyway it's not a signed business deal, you don't have to be held to your first decision. The conversation should go like this;

"Hi, can you look after the kids for us on Sunday?"
"Yes, no problem."
"Great, I'll drop them off at 8am."
"Fuck that, I'll be asleep till 12."
"Oh, I'll have to inconvenience my DH to do some parenting then..."
"Great idea, bye!"

sauvignonblancplz · 15/09/2019 13:04

I also think yabu , she asked you said yes.
Did the girls organise the times maybe?
I think you’re looking for a excuse and your morning plans are irrelevant.

incognitomum · 15/09/2019 13:09

You've been taken for granted. Are you going to say anything?

CaptainButtock · 15/09/2019 13:17

cformiaowy Sigh. Of course it’s bloody cycling. Or golf.

PerkyPomPoms · 15/09/2019 13:18

I hope you said something to her

timshelthechoice · 15/09/2019 13:26

Just don't do it again after you tell her, either.

Fairenuff · 15/09/2019 13:28

She asked, you accepted without asking anything. Everything else is irrelevant really. YABU.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2019 13:33

The fact you assumed the husband was working wasn't her fault, it was your assumption. I also disagree that 8.30 is an Ungodly hour and can't see anything more than a minor irritation that they came early as you were all up.

I don't understand why you agreed. You clearly didn't wish to do it. And you should have said so. Not done it then found reasons to bitch about it.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 15/09/2019 13:49

If a friend asked me for a favour like that so that she could go to an important work event, I would take her at her word that she actually needed childcare. It would be incredibly odd of me to start cross-examining her about her other childcare options down to the point of asking her to account for how her DH was planning to spend the day. Hmm

It's ridiculous to suggest OP brought this on herself by not enquiring about DH's plans. That's not how friends speak to each other, there is an implicit level of trust and understanding around these things.

Assuming your friends DH isn't a total dick who refused to / is incapable of looking after his own children (very possible though) your friend is a CF and owes you big time.

Don't send a PA text. Speak to her. Say:

'Hey buddy, I agreed to give up part of my weekend to help you out of what I thought was a bind but your DC told me DH was just off doing his hobby? To be frank, his leisure time isn't more important than mine, and I'm feeling mislead. Have I misunderstood anything here?'

If she apologises say 'why don't you take my DC next Saturday so DH & I get some time back, and we'll call it even?'

Then stop doing favours for her.

Jeezoh · 15/09/2019 13:57

Oh I like the idea of getting her to reciprocate! “Hi friend, I didn’t realise I was looking after your child so your DH could take part in his cherished hobby while you were working, how about he returns the favour next weekend by looking after my DD for a few hours so I can recoup the free time I’ve lost? Next time, I’d appreciate you being upfront about why you need me to help out :-)”

Durgasarrow · 15/09/2019 14:05

What is the hobby?

BlackCatSleeping · 15/09/2019 14:10

Cycling. It’s always cycling. 😂

I seriously wouldn’t send my kids over to anyone’s house before 8am on a weekend unless the situation was utterly dire. I mean a death in the family or my job was at risk.

cformiaowy · 15/09/2019 14:24

Grin why is it always cycling. Is there an initiation promise when joining the Lycra brigade that you must turn into a selfish wanker?

Agree with a pp...who would probe a friend about her DHs weekend plans? You'd assume that they'd exhausted all other options and that it was a last resort to bother someone else at that time on a weekend.

Why on earth does the friend and her DH think that his leisure time trumps the ops when it involves caring for his offspring. Mind. Blown.

PancakeAndKeith · 15/09/2019 14:30

And to top it all off they also told me that the reason their own DF wasn’t looking after them was because he was attending to his hobby,

Men and their fucking hobbies. Why do they seem to trump everything else?

MLMhun · 15/09/2019 14:35

Was your friend at the Forever Living rally thing? 😂

overnightangel · 15/09/2019 14:42

I’d take a lead out of your friend’s book, the way I see it you’ve got this in the bank and she owes you a child free day

CoinOperatedBoy · 15/09/2019 14:56

YANBU at being used for free childcare and her dropping them off early like that without even asking - unbelievable. Way too early if you ask me too. But she clearly thinks your a soft touch.

There was a legendary CF thread on here a while back (with the Mexican House Thief in it - never forgot that post!) it had pages and pages of people taking the royal piss like your "friend". Put a stop to it right now.

whyamidoingthis · 15/09/2019 15:01

@cformiaowy - Is there an initiation promise when joining the Lycra brigade that you must turn into a selfish wanker

Cycling doesn't turn someone into a selfish wanker. A selfish wanker will use cycling/golf/running etc as an excuse to be a selfish wanker.

Dh cycles. He always checks with me before signing up to anything outside his normal routine. If I have something that interferes with his regular cycles, I might possibly look for an alternative option for the kids but unless it was an emergency, I would never send the kids to someone at 7.45, or 8.30 or even 9.30 on a sunday, particularly if the person like a lie-in. In those circumstances, dh would just skip his cycle.

I think the friend was a cf. Asking someone to take your kids at that hour of the morning is cheeky. It might be necessary if no other options are available but attending a regular hobby is generally not a valid reason. Maybe a race/competition would be ok but even then she should have explained upfront - she's working, he's cycling/golfing and it's a race/competition he's signed up to or whatever. If he was just doing his normal training/game then it would be beyond cheeky to ask.

I'd definitely let her know you're annoyed but just clarify first that the kids are accurate in their story. Either way, let her know sending them around 45 minutes early was not on.

Marnie76 · 15/09/2019 15:04

Where is the OP?

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