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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think Friend is a massive CF?

171 replies

SummersB · 15/09/2019 08:49

My friend has two DDs, 8 and 10, who are friends with my youngest DD.
Friend messaged me a week or so ago to ask if I would look after her DDs yesterday as she had an important work related event to attend. No times or details were given, except the nature of the event so I knew it was important she went. After I agreed she messaged me again to say “ok great I can send them up (they live 2 minutes walk from our house) for 8:30, or (her) DH can drop them off.
Now, I’m not going to lie, I like my lie ins. I work shifts and it’s a very rare occasion that I am off all weekend. Our other two DCs are older teens so don’t need immediate attention in the mornings, so DH and I like to lounge around in bed, have a coffee, wait for the teenagers to make their way downstairs and maybe use the time to DTD... you get the picture. Friend knows this, which is why I’m sure she didn’t tell me the time when she first ask me. But I had agreed and it was important to her so I (grudgingly) replied along the lines of “haha as you know I’m not usually up at that time, so maybe best to send them up by themselves so as to spare your DH the sight of me in my PJs at that godforsaken hour! I’ll make them some breakfast if you want” (thinking I was being extra nice).
So yesterday morning comes and as we are looking after my DMs dog at the moment who is a rescue and whom I don’t trust around strangers kids I get up at bloody 7 am to walk dog for an hour with the plan to drop her round my DMs for the morning so as to keep her out of the kids way. I get back at 8 am to find friends kids already here, sitting in my living room with my youngest DD! When I asked them what time they got to mine they said 7:45! And to top it all off they also told me that the reason their own DF wasn’t looking after them was because he was attending to his hobby, not because he was working as I stupidly assumed.
So, AIBU to think my friend is a massive puss taker? I would never impose my kids on anyone at that time at the weekend unless absolutely necessary, and I certainly wouldn’t send them round 45 minutes early. WTF?
There is a backstory to this as my friend has form for taking advantage. She is really sweet and lovely and will always offer to do favours or help out, but it always feels like it is done so she „has one in the bank“ IUKWIM, and will ask for any favour back tenfold. I ended up feeling really taken advantage of, which is why over the past year I have started to disengage massively and these days rarely see her. I’m so annoyed to have fallen for her again!

OP posts:
nearlynermal · 15/09/2019 10:49

OP, I won't opine on whether to confront her on it or just have the polite refusal ready for next time, but just to agree that you're absolutely reasonable to step back from helping out in future. You've put in all the years of hard work to get your own family raised, and deserve to make the most of any time free you now have in your life. Defend those weekend mornings!

ISmellBabies · 15/09/2019 10:51

I'd send goodlooking's text too. Pair of absolute cheeky fucking piss takers.

ACPC · 15/09/2019 10:51

Her DH is in the wrong here. I wouldn't fall out over it but definitely cool this friendship. Sounds like he's one of those 'childcare is beneath me' types. Unless as a pp pointed out, his hobby can't be missed for good reason, he should be there for his kids if mum has to work.

Yabbers · 15/09/2019 10:54

If your lie in was so importantly you, wouldn’t your DH get up, walk the dog and see to the visitors?

If your kids are anything like DD, they would have arranged to come over earlier between themselves. I’m happy for them to arrive whatever time and if I’m still in bed, so be it.

I was asked a similar favour the other day and was a bit miffed when I found the reason as I’d had to rearrange some work. Then I thought I either wanted to do the favour or not, their reasoning was none of my business. In the end, I discovered I hadn’t actually known the whole story.

Sure you’re pissed off by 45 minutes early, but the rest of the stuff about DH doing his vague hobby shows you wanted to say no but couldn’t and now you are blaming her.

Yabbers · 15/09/2019 10:54

Sounds like he's one of those 'childcare is beneath me' types.

You have absolutely no evidence of that.

Giraffey1 · 15/09/2019 10:55

Think your friend’s H is the CF one .... but you would have been wise to have ascertained the detail up front. If the timings didn’t suit you, you could then have said at what time you were able to have the children. The vaguer you leave stuff, the more likely your friend is to ‘interpret’ things to her own advantage.

scoobydoo1971 · 15/09/2019 10:57

CF or not...my advice to you is to learn the power of the word 'no'. Lots of people end up burdened with other people and their problems in a quest to appear nice, and accommodating to others. Unfortunately this can put you in a position of getting into all sorts of commitments that interfere with your free time and well-being...a precious resource for most adults with kids and jobs. My life got a whole less stressful when I was trained to say no by a brilliant life coach, and a lot of the CF types just drifted away when they stopped having their needs met.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/09/2019 10:57

While I agree the DH is also a cheeky fucker that doesn't absolve the friend, she was the one who asked instead of saying to her DH , no you cant do your hubby this weekend, I'm working and you need to look after our children

CIareIsland · 15/09/2019 10:58

Yes you have been taken advantage of.

You know what she is like - so it’s disappointing but no surprise.

You have to take responsibility for managing these exploitative types. Either you have to hold up v clear boundaries, lots of detail and call them out repeatedly (ball-ache and exhausting) or you say “No, that doesn’t work for me” every, single, time.

What happened at the end of the day? Was it an all day babysit? Did the the DH pick up the kids - when at the end of his hobby? Was anything said then? Who dropped them off at 7:45 and to whom? If they were told to go up alone and no one was in at 7:45 that’s quite negligent. Did they bring your a gift or offer to return the favo

AryaStarkWolf · 15/09/2019 10:58

Hobby*

HairyDogsOfThigh · 15/09/2019 11:00

Before you have a go at her for being a CF, please consider that her DH may not be a considerate, supportive one. If he refused to cancel his hobby (and there are men out there like this), then your df was in a predicament where she needed your help. I also suspect it was the dh who sent the dc early.
If she's normally a good friend, please, continue to be supportive. Being married to an arsehole means you need good friends outside the marriage.

Branleuse · 15/09/2019 11:03

Id message her back and say " mate, i was quite clear that 8.30 on a sunday was already pushing it, so i dont know why you thought it ok to brimg them at 7.45. Also i assumed it was for work. Not a hobby. Not impressed. Do not ask me again"

Kaddm · 15/09/2019 11:05

I have to agree with HairyDogs. I know someone in a position like this. Husband is absoultely going to pursue his hobbies, come hell or high water and will not look after his kids if there is something on with the hobby.

I think the difference is whether people are decent and honest about it. Your friend really needed to say, I desperately need childcare so that I can work and my h is being selfish and nasty and not doing his share of parenting. Please could you help me on this one occasion because I don't know what to do.

I would say no next time in your position though because she has not been honest about the situation.

BlueJava · 15/09/2019 11:08

YABU - you need to check all the details before you agree to it. Just don't agree again, lesson learnt.

ColdCottage · 15/09/2019 11:12

I'd drop them back, saying sorry I didn't realise you were at home now. I know you probably didn't want to disappoint my DD now your plans have changed and you are still at home but she doesn't mind. Have a lovely day.

cleanasawhistle · 15/09/2019 11:12

Being taken advantage of is the story of my life..

Few years ago my sons friends mum asked if I couild look after her son over school hols.Her and her boyfriend were working.
So up I get at 7.30am for 4 days....the 5th day kid didnt arive till 11am....mums boyfriend had wanted a lie in.

Put one on here yesterday. Friend booked her DD into a club which is in the same direction as my hobby....could I take and pick up her DD....but I would have to miss the beginning and end of my own session.The booking weeks before and the assumption really rilled me....I replied to the text with one word ...NO

eddielizzard · 15/09/2019 11:20

I would love to know why you think your DH's hobby takes precedence over my much needed sleep. And why you sent your kids over 45 mins early.

Sockworkshop · 15/09/2019 11:21

CF!!!
This happened to me.
Friend called asking if we could drop her DC at school once a week as her shifts had changed.
Agreed as good friend.
First morning arrived,total rush as pick up was in the opposite direction to school to find her ready to dash out the door-fine.
As I walked past the kitchen there was her DH eating an enormous cooked breakfast with a pot of coffee in front of him Confused
He was even making mmmm noises which for some reason made me furious as I had no time for breakfast.
I took the DC to school but text to ask why her DH hadnt taken them.
"It would disrupt his morning routine " HmmAngry
I didnt take them again .

She has been quite sneaky tbf -her DH should prioritise his DC over golf.
Next time say you will check your diary and then text to say no.

ShowOfHands · 15/09/2019 11:26

This wouldn't bother me at all. Your friend does favours too. If you don't want to give up your lie in, don't.

I'm currently looking after my friend's dc as she's just needing a break. She doesn't technically need me but she's a friend. You can say no if it doesn't work for you.

CIareIsland · 15/09/2019 11:31

I think it is hard for some of us to say No - when we can actually do it but don’t want to.

I think that because you didn’t want to in the first place her CFness is even more raw....So listen to your gut and do what you want and need.

Giraffey1 · 15/09/2019 12:02

And actually, I know I said DH was the CF, but the conversation might have easily gone like this ...

Her: I’m out on Xday, you will need to look after the DC

Him: Ah, I was hoping to go out with the boys to play golf. Never mind, I can postpone.

Her: Tell,you what, before you cancel, let me call SummersB and see if she can have the DC for us, then you can still play!

Him: OK!

Leflic · 15/09/2019 12:08

Id message her back and say " mate, i was quite clear that 8.30 on a sunday was already pushing it, so i dont know why you thought it ok to brimg them at 7.45. Also i assumed it was for work. Not a hobby. Not impressed. Do not ask me again"

This. At least you might get a nicer bottle of wine of chocolates out of it. It does sound like it was a DH being a cheeky fucker so maybe reword it making it clear he was taking the piss.

Seaweed42 · 15/09/2019 12:18

You have poor boundaries. You gushed and practically fell over yourself in your attempt to tell her that having her kids would make your day. You opened the door, she walked through it and now you are blaming her for doing that.
You give your friend one message to her face, but how you really feel towards her is hidden. Therefore she is unaware of how you feel.
You expect people to be mind readers and that they 'should know' how you are feeling about things without you saying it.
You avoid conflict at all costs therefore you end up with people taking more than you are, in reality, prepared to give.
This is because your attachment dynamic is such that you are frightened that doing anything that anyone disapproves of will ultimately result in them thinking you are 'a bad person' and you will end up being hated and alone. Plenty of us are like this.
Be very very clear in your texts to her regarding the time Boundaries, that's all you need to do. Instead you reassure her of what a lovely person you are which she already knows. Instead say 'I will take them from 10am to 4pm'.

melj1213 · 15/09/2019 12:22

YAB a bit U - you agreed to have the kids without checking all the details so you cant complain when you find out the details later, but equally your friend should have been more up front with the fact she was stuck for childcare bc ber husband was doing his hobby.

If you want to say something I wouldn't go in all guns blazing straight away but just state the facts.

"Hey Friend, I know I agreed to have your kids this weekend but you knew I was giving up my rare lie in and day off when we agreed that they would come over at 8.30 so I would have appreciated at least a heads up that you were sending them over almost an hour early. This is especially irritating as X mentioned that your DP is off to do today. I assumed that you were so stuck for childcare because both you and DH were working so had no flexibility which is why I was willing to give up my weekend to help and now am annoyed that this was not the case."

HairyDogsOfThigh · 15/09/2019 12:23

I think Giraffey's summary is perfectly possible. I wouldn't consider it to be CFery to be asked to have a friends dc so that they can do stuff, (work or hobby).
I think a lot depends on how the conversation went.
If df asked and you said yes, pretty much immediately and df returns the favour as and when, then, to me, it is just how friends operate - helping each other out.
If, however, you explained that you would be giving up a much needed lie in because you had to walk/return the dog and felt you had to be up and functioning when the visiting dc arrived and df applied pressure, so you felt you had to say yes, then it's verging on cfery, although i still maintain that you don't know what her dh is like and perhaps he refused to give up his hobby for the day. I agree with Kaddm that if this were the case, it would be better for the df to explain, but perhaps she doesn't want to admit, even to herself, that her dh is an arsehole.
Context is everything, i think.