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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to family party

320 replies

GameOfGroans · 14/09/2019 19:42

I'm really hurt by this- AIBU? My DP's sister and her family live a 5 hour drive away. We don't see them often, although I know them well and we have (had?) a good relationship. I'm not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children. We have stayed with her a few times and she has stayed with us. Our children are similar ages.

Tonight is her 40th birthday party. My DP has driven down there and is preparing for a good night out. I was not invited. There was no mention of me coming and he didn't challenge why I wasn't asked. It's a house party so not really restricted by numbers. I was hurt and he knows this. However, (and this is the bit that really kicks me when I'm down) today I found out that his best friend was asked instead and they have gone to the party together.

I’m gutted and now feel that I am not seen as a part of their family, yet the best friend is? My DP showed me the initial invite message which states, 'it would be really good if you and best friend could come to the party.'

AIBU to be hurt?

OP posts:
TreeSunset · 14/09/2019 22:57

Just so you’ve got more evidence OP, if my family did that I wouldn’t go and my DH wouldn’t go without me to a do like that. Your DH is in the wrong whether it was from his sister or him.

WonderWomansSpin · 14/09/2019 22:57

I think you probably were invited but your DP said you'd need to watch the DCs and asked if he could take his best friend instead. I'm assuming you know there definitely is a party and it's not all made-up nonsense so he can have a weekend away with his friend
Although it would be nice to ask your DSIL, she might feel she has to cover for her brother, leaving you no closer to the truth.

Didkdt · 14/09/2019 23:39

Id say nothing to the sister. The odds are she issued a joint invitation and your DP has moulded her words into an invitation of his choosing
Even if she thought you were psycho (and you'd have been aware of those feelings towards you before now) she'd have invited you as his other half unless he gave her reason not to or a major rift has happened that you aren't mentioning
They have kids it's a house party I bet you and the kids were invited
This is down to your DP. Either for some reason his sister despises you so much she's willing to risk nuclear fallout by excluding you, in which case he should have stood by you or given the heads up about what you'd done and still stood by you, thus not going or he crafted this weekend away, possible because he's told them about issues or because he just didn't want you there.
The issue is him, and whilst we're on that subject
Would you like to be married but he wouldn't
I ask became you open with
"Im not married to DP, although we have been together for 10 years and have 2 children."
The couples I know not married by mutual agreement never mention it as a factor in anything because it isn't relevant to the strength of their relationship

Duck90 · 15/09/2019 00:07

He just didn’t want you there.

Time to think about your relationship. You know that though?

OooErMissus · 15/09/2019 00:49

I think you should text her tomorrow and say, "Please can you tell me whether I've done something to upset you? I was so upset to find you didn't want me to go to your party. If I've done something, please can we talk about it?"

I really don't think you should send this text.

As it's likely that she is oblivious (sending this text ^^ is completely assuming that), she's going to think 'WTF Hmm', and you will instantly get her back up.

Plus, you're dragging a third party into your domestic dispute.

That is really not cool.

managedmis · 15/09/2019 00:57

If you decide to contact his sister speak to her on the phone - or preferably via Skype - lots of communication is lost via text. Plus via text she'd have chance to ask your 'D' H what to say before she replies

SaraNade · 15/09/2019 01:01

She doesn't consider you family unfortunately because you aren't. 10 years? 2 kids? Yet not married? Sorry but I feel this is a he's just not that into you moment, imo. I would have been gone years ago (unless not getting married is your decision), he doesn't respect you, the mother of his children and feels no need to make a commitment to you. You aren't part of his family; he, and his sister have made that clear.

BlackCatSleeping · 15/09/2019 01:03

I don’t think you should send anymore texts to them while they are away. Talk to him when they get back.

I also wondered if they assumed you’d need to stay home and look after the kids.

GunpowderGelatine · 15/09/2019 01:12

If I have parties I invite people on the presumption they'll bring their OHs. And if they cane without them I'd ask where they were and be a bit Confused if they said "well you didn't mention them by name so they're at home". Sorry OP but I think it's very silly and presumptuous and passive aggressive not to have challenged or checked this, why on earth didn't you just go along or ask her yourself?!

managedmis · 15/09/2019 01:24

I'd definitely be establishing first if the sister explicitly DIDN'T invite you.

(sorry, realised I called him DH above)

If she didn't, your DP should have insisted on you being invited. But it looks like he didn't.

managedmis · 15/09/2019 01:27

Has this happened before, with his family? He's gone to see them without you?

Maybe they DO invite you, but he fails to tell you that

DPotter · 15/09/2019 01:30

From your update about your DP admitting he should have asked, I'm wondering if he has been challenged by his family as to why you and the children aren't there.
He was out of order and he's got found out.

LazyLizzy · 15/09/2019 01:42

He's a sneaky fucker. He just wanted a free weekend without you.

I'd give him all the free time in the world now. I'd do my own thing from now on, I wouldn't involve him in any of my plans. Make your own social life. He's made it quite clear he'd rather be with other people.

Indifference is the way I would go.

Durgasarrow · 15/09/2019 01:53

I'm guessing that they didn't want kids there.

Durgasarrow · 15/09/2019 02:01

I'm going to have to agree with Sarah that not being married has probably made this situation more ambiguous and painful for you than it needed to be. Even though in many ways you are clearly a family member, since you two have children together, you two are not officially committed to each other and therefore you don't have any actual official relationship to your partner's family, either. It gives them just enough wiggle room to be able to act this discourteously to you in a way they would not be able to do with an official wife.

HappyBumbleBee · 15/09/2019 02:09

I'm on your side op.....I think you've been treated appallingly by all concerned and I would be extremely hurt!
I wonder if hubby is texting you now because he turned up and they asked where you were?
I actually think your hubby is more out of order than anyone - I couldn't imagine my hubby doing this to me and if he did it'd be the last time too! Just because you're not married does not make you any less family than if you had the piece of paper.
Hugs for you op xxx

LagunaBubbles · 15/09/2019 02:24

Hope it goes OK, as you said he got what he wanted.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 15/09/2019 02:58

Hope he’s sick as a dog in the morning. Twat.

northerngirl2012 · 15/09/2019 03:08

He’s is a twat!

ShippingNews · 15/09/2019 03:19

If my DH got an invitation " You're invited to come to our party" he'd assume that "you" meant the plural "you" and write back "Sure, Shipping and I would love to come". Your partner is having a nice weekend without you - his choice , not their fault.

maz7777 · 15/09/2019 03:25

So he's asking forgiveness, not permission. He's only saying sorry now so he can come home and not argue. He doesn't actually give a toss.

SD1978 · 15/09/2019 03:35

So let's assume it's a no kids party. Sister talking to her brother, he makes some comment about you probably could t get a sitter overnight, so text says you can come with mate. Would you have gotten an overnight sitter? Would you have paid for a hotel room for the night if you had gone? Sometimes it's logistics - perceived or real, that stops people inviting each other.

justilou1 · 15/09/2019 03:44

It’s all well and good after the fact, isn’t it. He’s had the cake and now he wants to eat another one. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. He can cook you a cake. A bloody expensive gourmet one of your choosing, thank you very much.

GrimpenMire · 15/09/2019 07:45

The fact that he's grovelling as soon as he's got his way shows a certain mindset. It would be better somehow if he had maintained his original position and the lightbulb moment comes later (albeit fake). The whole thing sounds like it's been engineered from the outset.

I'm not surprised you're upset OP. I would be too.

Grambler · 15/09/2019 08:30

So either your DP didn't want you there, or your SIL didnt want you there. Ouch.

When's he due back?

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