Husband didn’t come home! AIBU?

[Hammers1987]

So, Husband walked out on me and our children three weeks ago tomorrow.
He kissed me goodbye, said I love you and went to work like usual. He works in a bar. He just didn’t come home. Claims to have been drinking and slept in the car.
He disappeared for nearly two weeks. Didn’t collect any clothes and left me with no money to feed the kids and pay bills.
Last Friday we met in town, he asked to come to our home and see the dogs. Whilst here he asked if he had any clean socks and made a big thing about not packing his clothes.
After speaking all day via message he come home. We talked. He said he had missed me and the kids. It had been really hard without us all. He loved me. Wasn’t going anywhere. Promised everything would be okay. We had set. Slept holding each other. The following day, a week today, we were laying in bed watching tele in the morning. Had sex again. DH said we needed to spend time like that more often. We had a nice day together. He gave me a kiss, said i love you and went to work. I woke up the next morning and he didn’t come home again. No explanation just that he was drinking and staying with a mate. Refused to acknowledge anything or speak to me.
One week on, and he still won’t speak to me, but he won’t sort anything else out either! Emotionally I am really struggling.
He refuses to remove me from our joint account, claiming there is no rush and we can use it for bills.
He has not paid the sky and WiFi bills, and as they are in his name I can’t transfer them. I can’t cancel them and get my own either.
He has not given me any money for the kids, and left me in a shit position financially where he didn’t pay his half of the rent.
I also have his Mum’s dog which he has made no effort to sort out. He also has my contract phone which I have to pay for and our door key which he is showing no signs of returning. All he seems to be doing is drinking and is so angry. Didn’t even acknowledge our Anniversary Wednesday which really hurt.
AIBU to think this is not okay and reasonable behaviour?

@Louloulovesyou - Thank you. It is difficult to see the situation as it is when you are so emotionally involved.
I have called Women's Aid and left a voicemail twice now. I am receiving Counselling though. He does know how to manipulate me and play me.
You are right, he did plan this and probably did for some time and it did come out of no where for me. My Son summed it up yesterday. He asked how I felt about seeing him and I said I wasn't sure as he broke my heart. My Son replied "No, Mum. He broke you. I have never seen you like this ever. You was always so happy and strong".
I go back to work next week which will help. I am being phased in slowly with reduced hours over a period of two weeks so that will give me another focus.
Since he left I have not had a period of time where I haven't heard from him. It's been everyday, even when I have ignored him. I don't know what he is playing at now, although he has said a couple of times he wishes he had a time machine to go back!
No matter what this man cannot come back into my life. All I see when I look at him is hurt and betrayal. How he used me and broke me. It will take a long time to get over the hurt he has caused me.

Oh do shut up @Merryoldgoat. Do you know what YOUR posts show? A complete lack of compassion and understanding, despite your arrogant know-it-all tone. The poor OP has had her life literally crash down around her and she is being incredibly brave. She’s already said that she’s suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks recently which was obviously incredibly sad and painful for her, so of COURSE it’s not an easy decision for her to know what to do about the baby. Are you really so heartless and ignorant that you think that just because a baby’s father is awful, the baby is to blame? Do you think it would make an abortion any easier for the OP? The things you have said are literally sickening - how dare you try to make her feel that she’s somehow doing the wrong thing by her child by not getting an abortion? Your attitude is disgusting and the things you have said are vile. I hope if you ever find yourself in a horrific situation, like the poor OP, nobody says such disgusting things to you.

OP, please ignore that horrible poster. I can’t for the life of me imagine what the Hell shes trying to achieve by talking to you like that and saying such awful things. I think you have been extraordinarily brave and I think it’s wonderful that you’re trying to look at the positive side of this pregnancy when it’s obviously come at a terrible time. I think your optimism at this difficult time shows real strength and I really wish you the best x

Of course OP's posts show she can't think sensibly and with reason! She's just been dealt a devastating blow, by the man who she thought loved her. Her emotions are all over the place, understandably. You could show a bit of empathy.

OP. Have a chat with your counsellor next week, don't go making any decisions in haste, but you do need to consider if you want to be tied to this man for at least the next 19 years, and think of the child having to have him as their father.

I think you should block him from contacting you for now. You need some space to process what's happened, and he's refusing to give you that, in order to keep you confused. He is keeping his options open, and I agree that he's talking about things being "nice" between you, to assuage his guilt.

Tell him not to contact you, and then block him. If he turns up at your house, don't open the door, and if he kicks up a stink, ring the police.

@Motoko @ariamontgomery - Thank you both so much for your kid words and support. I am really grateful.
I haven't contacted him or responded to a text from him since earlier this afternoon. I ignored it and slept. I do think he is trying to keep his options open, and I think a part of him is regretting his decision now reality has kicked in. However, for me it is done and it is too late. He cheated in the worst possible way. Planned this, and spared no thought for the hurt and devastation he caused me. Used me for sex before going back to her! If she still wants him knowing all that then more fool her. He cheated on me with her, and cheated on her with me. He will do it again, people like him always do.
I do need to be stronger and recognise his manipulation attempts along with the pattern of behaviour. He wants to talk when it suits him and his tone changes from speaking to me as though I was still his wife, and like a colleague. I am trying my best to not allow him inside my head. Very difficult but I am trying. I do still love him, those feelings do not just disappear after five years. However, those feelings will go away with time. I have asked him to give me some space and explained he is making it extremely difficult and upsetting with the constant line of communication. I don't want to have to block him because of our kids, but I will if he doesn't respect my wishes.
I will speak to my Counsellor Tuesday, and I will take my time in deciding the best way forward with the pregnancy. I do need to detach emotionally from the situation and separate the two instead of thinking of them as one.
It seems to have been one thing after the other this whole week. My poor mind needs a break!

It doesn't matter to me who my child's father is or what sort of a man he is, it is not the child's fault. I have three beautiful teenage children who are proof that having one good parent is enough. As far as communicating with him goes regarding the baby, I would have to cross that bridge when I come to it. However, having a baby and that decision to do so is not selfish. There are many people who have children under difficult circumstances. Having suffered the loss of a child, the thought of destroying a life because it is not convenient or ideal isn't an easy one.

I completely understand why you would want to keep the baby, and it's not as if you haven't raised a child without it's father, before. You can do it, and you'll be fine, and in time, you'll be able to deal with your ex, without the emotions, if he wants to be involved.

I still think you should block him for a few days though, just to have a bit of breathing room, because he's not taking any notice of your request. The kids will be fine for a few days, and you can unblock him in an emergency.

Try to do something nice this weekend with the kids, go for a picnic or something, if the weather is nice.

@Hammers1987 - how far along are you?

I'd be seriously considering an abortion, but I'm aware of your previous loss and that this might not be an option for you.

I'd want to have a clean break from this man.

He is playing games with you and you seem to be grateful for every little crumb of affection he feels like throwing you.

Please think seriously about this child and bringing an innocent little one into the middle of this epic mess.

You're aware he'd be entitled to time with the child (once he's out of jail) which would mean contact for the foreseeable.

Op.
In all honesty you need to distance yourself.

If you decide to have this baby . You won’t have your dh there as a support. You need to decide what is right for you . His opinion doesn’t matter .

Limit communication.

Share your feelings , here , rl friends, but not him. Do not let him demand anything from you.

@Newschapter @Starlight456
Thank you both. I know you are right, I do need to cut communication off and I do need to stop engaging in any kind of conversation. It isn't necessary to speak to me the level he is, and since he left, this week especially, he has been in contact via message all day every day. Whether it be arguing with me, denying or lying about what he has done, or demanding things from me, information from me, and yesterday and today being nice. Wanting me to be happy. Well, maybe he should of thought about that before disappearing and sleeping with his barmaid. Moving in with her on the same day he was in bed with me! Ending our marriage and upsetting our kids leaving and sending a text message!
I am still in two minds regarding the pregnancy. Because of my past miscarriage, and also because of what he has done. The stress of this whole situation is another reason I need to stop contact. He leaves me an emotional mess. Even during a conversation, if he doesn't reply for a couple of hours I wonder if it's because he is with her! It torments me and I need to stop.
My life was so simple 18 months ago, now I can't seem to remember what normal is! The peace and quiet leaves me feeling unsettled and living on my nerves. My life feels like a soap opera!

Hi, it must've been such a shock to learn you were pregnant. You were just starting to sound more feisty and positive. You'll get there again. xxx This bloke is an a-hole, don't have anything more to do with him than you have to- please don't take him back. He's feckless (and worse) with money and will carry on landing you in the shit financially. He drinks and it means he forgets he has any responsibilities and has no morals. Please stay strong and have no more than minimal contact with him. Love and hugs xxxxx

Thank you @Interestedwoman
I know, you are right. After discovering all the lies and betrayal I was beginning to feel much stronger.
The pregnancy was a massive shock, I never thought it would happen for me again. It is also something else in my life ruined by the selfish actions of him and her.
You are right regarding contact, in the last couple of days he has been contacting more, unless he is with her, and I haven't discouraged that despite how it made me feel. I didn't stop crying all day yesterday, and cried myself to sleep.
I do still love him, but he has gone too far for me to ever take him back. He used me for sex, lied and manipulated me. He left me in the worse possible way by just not coming home because he was with her, and sent me a text. Didn't even have the decency to speak to me. The thought of the two of them all happy and playing happy families with her kids torments me. The thought of the two them together makes me feel sick. He removed his wedding ring and lied about the reason why. He still lies about his relationship to her, can't even be honest with his own family about it. There is no going back from this whatsoever.
The two of us are in completely different places. Whilst I am grieving the loss of him, my marriage and family. Living in a house that no longer feels like home and is bare. With three upset children. He is experiencing that new exciting relationship feeling in a new home with a new family. I do need to protect myself and like you said have minimal contact. It's been two weeks today since he left and didn't come back. It hasn't got any easier.
I am still in two minds about the pregnancy. I know I can do it on my own. I am not sure if O could handle a constant reminder of this. What can only be described as the worse time of my life. On the other side I am 39, it will be along time before I am ever ready to trust anyone else or even consider a relationship again. This could be my last chance to have another child, and something I always wanted since the lost of my last child.
Like the ex said, it would be nice to have a time machine and go back! One day, this won't all be so painful.

Did you go to the Al-anon meeting?

@Nanny0gg - No, I didn't go. I couldn't face it to be honest.
After discovering I was pregnant and then seeing him for the first time I spent the whole of yesterday in tears. I was an absolute mess. Everything made me cry. I didn't want to go anywhere or see anyone yesterday. I was also torturing myself with images of the two of them all happy and playing happy families.
My Children were also upset. Haven't seen him in two weeks and after contacting him to see him tomorrow, he said he could see them for a bit Tuesday. Because he obviously has plans with his new family. I couldn't really leave them upset either.
I will be honest, I am still a bit reluctant to go. I am not sure how it will help talking about the situation and listening to others who have lived through the same. I am not sure how that will help me move on. I think I am worried it will only serve to be a constant reminder. I have mixed feelings about it. I am also worried about seeing people I know there. I feel humiliated after what he has done.

Then talk to your counsellor about it and get their take/advice on how useful it could be.

I think it does help to see how people in the same position have dealt with similar situations. I think it's vital that you can find someone in RL to reach out to.

I think the Al-Anon might help when you feel up to it. If nothing else it might help you stay strong if you ever feel at all tempted to get back with him. You'll hear lots of people's horror stories of similar men/family members. You needn't be worried about being seen there- people there are all in the same boat and will be sympathetic xx