Husband didn’t come home! AIBU?

[Hammers1987]

So, Husband walked out on me and our children three weeks ago tomorrow.
He kissed me goodbye, said I love you and went to work like usual. He works in a bar. He just didn’t come home. Claims to have been drinking and slept in the car.
He disappeared for nearly two weeks. Didn’t collect any clothes and left me with no money to feed the kids and pay bills.
Last Friday we met in town, he asked to come to our home and see the dogs. Whilst here he asked if he had any clean socks and made a big thing about not packing his clothes.
After speaking all day via message he come home. We talked. He said he had missed me and the kids. It had been really hard without us all. He loved me. Wasn’t going anywhere. Promised everything would be okay. We had set. Slept holding each other. The following day, a week today, we were laying in bed watching tele in the morning. Had sex again. DH said we needed to spend time like that more often. We had a nice day together. He gave me a kiss, said i love you and went to work. I woke up the next morning and he didn’t come home again. No explanation just that he was drinking and staying with a mate. Refused to acknowledge anything or speak to me.
One week on, and he still won’t speak to me, but he won’t sort anything else out either! Emotionally I am really struggling.
He refuses to remove me from our joint account, claiming there is no rush and we can use it for bills.
He has not paid the sky and WiFi bills, and as they are in his name I can’t transfer them. I can’t cancel them and get my own either.
He has not given me any money for the kids, and left me in a shit position financially where he didn’t pay his half of the rent.
I also have his Mum’s dog which he has made no effort to sort out. He also has my contract phone which I have to pay for and our door key which he is showing no signs of returning. All he seems to be doing is drinking and is so angry. Didn’t even acknowledge our Anniversary Wednesday which really hurt.
AIBU to think this is not okay and reasonable behaviour?

left me with no money to feed the kids

I can't believe you slept with him again after that.

Go to the council and explain the situation. He has moved out. You are now solely responsible for the bills. If he's going to prison for fraud there's no chance of him paying off past rent.

Go to his bar and demand your phone back.

Phone Sky etc and say he's moved out and is going to prison shortly for fraud and you need to get his account stopped.

Thank you @milksoffagain. I appreciate your words.
As far as MIL is concerned she is just not interested. Left her own kids when they were 14 and moved miles away with her now Husband to bring up his Daughters. I am not sure DH has even told her the full truth. His Brother knows about the arrest, and maybe it’s not my place to say given he has left now.
I did report his drink driving patterns over a month ago. I informed the police what times and days he regularly drives over the limit. They have yet to pull him over.
His behaviour has left me in a vulnerable position and I have been having counselling for a year. Mentally I am not in a good place at all. With the little strength I do have I have taken on board the advice and actioned what I can. I can’t control what I can’t do and I can’t force him to speak to me to sort anything else out either.
I am doing my best by my kids, never speak badly of their Dad. Comfort and support them. I have put provisions in ace at School so they have emotional support there also.
I am really struggling to understand and process all of this. Especially as it come out of nowhere. I haven’t got anyone to talk to. Apart from my kids and Counsellor I have not seen anyone in a week. Don’t even want to leave the house. I have seen my GP.
I am doing the best I can.

He's an alcoholic. Until he gets treatment, he won't change. He will only come back when he wants something from you. You have to be strong enough to say no.

I would report him to the police for driving uninsured. He is almost certainly drink driving and by doing this you may save a life.

I know it is very tough (and I think people are being unreasonable harsh - but this is mumsnet and it's not the most supportive place). If you have the time and energy, it sounds like you could do with some real life support as a partner of an alcoholic. There are groups and associations which will help, and once you talk to other partners of alcoholics you will understand that what he is doing is pretty classic alcohol-dependent behaviour. You are not alone.

Write to him at his place of work, saying that (1) If he doesn't take the dog within a week you will be rehoming it; (2) If he doesn't start paying maintenance you will be going to CMS; (3) If he doesn't collect his stuff within a week you will get rid of it; (4) Driving around in an unlicensed car is a criminal offence and you are telling the police. Also give his mother a week to sort the dog out.

Phone Sky etc and say he's moved out and is going to prison shortly for fraud and you need to get his account stopped.

And this.

Also, your kids need to know that their dad's behaviour is unacceptable. They are teenagers not small kids. They probably think he is a dickhead but don't want to say so because it might upset you.

With regards to the phone, get the company to send you a new SIM card and put it in a cheap handset. At least then you will have a phone that you are paying for and his sim will no longer work. He can use it on WiFi all he wants.

Op. I've lived a very sheltered life. But if I was in your position I would have changed the locks a long time ago. You've got to think about your children now. I also agree with the other poster regarding notice about the dog.

@Motoko worth it instead of a lifetime of picking up crap, walks, vet bills, another thing to worry about.

take the dog to MIL house, tie the dog to fence outside her house - job done

OP please do not do this. She doesn't sound like much of a responsible dog owner and if abandoned on the streets the dog will go to the local pound and quite possibly be pts if unclaimed.

Give her warning then take the dog to a shelter and explain your husband has left and you can't cope with "his" dog on your own so need to rehome.

I could do with some support, especially emotionally. The way in which he has done all of this and the position he has left me in has floored me. I was already struggling with anxiety, and living in an abusive marriage. If I annoyed DH or questioned his behaviour he would give me the silent treatment for days whilst walking around whistling or singing. Being fine with the kids but like I didn’t exist. Expected me to do everything at home whilst he did what he wanted. Isolated me at home with no money and debts whilst he carried on drinking and socialising. One occasion he never came home from the pub with dinner, I had to call my daughter and ask her to borrow money to pick something up. Another when I told him how he was making me feel, so he didn’t come home.
Living like this has had a detrimental effect on my health and I am not ashamed to say I am not as strong as I used to be. He would disappear for two to three days after a row and always come back like nothing happened.
I did change my locks around last weekend. He can’t access the back garden.
I have now cancelled the phone. It can’t be used with another SIM card but can be used on WiFi.
I have spoken to the Council regarding the rent arrears and tenancy. They will chase him for the money he owes. However, he has to remove himself. I can’t force them and have explained the situation. I went there myself and was sat in tears. He is a joint tenant and has rights. My solicitor said the same.
I have contacted the CMS and they in turn now need to contact him. Hard seeing as he never answers his phone. I did explain this to them. I also requested he pay them and then they pay me as I can’t rely on him to pay anything.
I have contacted Sky and Virgin. I have said all of the above. Even offered his work and Nan’s address. I am not the account holder. I cannot even pass security.
I have applied for UC, I have to wait another six weeks. I am not entitled to an advance as we previously had a joint claim and advance which i will now have to pay back. I have again explained this whole situation to them. No budge at all. I am having to borrow money from my elderly parents which is embarrassing.
I have told my Children exactly what happened. How their Father behaved. I haven’t lied or tried to protect him. What a I don’t agree with is bad mouthing him even though he does deserve it. My Mum did that when a I was young and I resented her for that. I am also not prepared to make them feel caught in the middle. They are upset enough.
As I have said, I am struggling emotionally. I don’t know how any man can abandon his wife and kids this way. Ignore them and leave them struggling financially and emotionally but carry on as normal. It doesn’t seem rational to leave the way he did and send a text. I can’t get my head round that and it is not easy having to pick up the pieces from his actions.
I have looked at al-anon. There is a weekly meeting on A Friday evening. I will attend. My anxiety is so high I struggle to leave the house and go to the supermarket. I feel humiliated and don’t want to run the risk of seeing anyone or worse still. Him. My whole life has been turned upside down. It is hard to deal with.

@StarbucksSmarterSister - I wouldn’t abandon the dog like that. It’s not his fault. I don’t drive so wouldn’t have any way of getting there, and she goes away on holiday soon as I said previously.
Who leaves their wife and kids like this and then doesn’t clear everything else up!

Drop the dog off at MILs.

Apply for CMS.

Get a solicitor and file for divorce ASAP.

Officially remove this man from your life in as many ways as you can.

this again?

divorce him, get some self respect he is seeing someone else. where else would he be staying?

@StarbucksSmarterSister OP said the solicitor told her she would get in trouble if she rehomed the dog because it's owned by MIL, so she needs to give it back to the owner. She has more than enough to cope with without being responsible for yet another CFs animal.

Sorry you're getting a roasting on here OP, you've obviously tried your best to keep your shit together and FWIW I think you're doing well all things considered.

With the debt, court case, driving without license etc it's clear now he's given up and feels unable to undergo any measures to even confront his problems. He likely feels that there's no way out of the shit he's in so he's thrown in the towel on real life.

It sounds like he has serious mental health issues and feels totally out of control of his own life. BUT you have been supportive and forgiving so far and as a mother and a person this has to stop.

I've had a nervous breakdown before and I look back now at the HUGE pressure I put on other people and the angst they went through when I'd disappear for days. If I had been doing that when there are children involved, I would have been totally unreasonable to expect the other parent of my kids to let me come and go, not care the kids are confused and abandon all responsibility.

Yes, it sounds like he has gotten ill but you've tried your very best to be loving and forgiving, at some point you have to walk away. His mental health does not trump yours and your children's.

Sorry OP it's a horrible situation to be in

@ThatCurlyGirl - Thank you for your kind words. To be honest I lived with a man who spoke to me awfully and treated me awfully for a long time. Where nothing I did was good enough. If I cancelled direct debits to avoid bank charges I was an evil bitch. When I refused to let him in when he come home drunk I was an ugly c*t, a skinny c*t. All the names under the sun.
I have obtained legal advice. I do not even know where he is living. I can’t send divorce papers to his work. I can’t even give CMS his work address to contact him. I can’t cut off the phone until CMS have exhausted trying to contact him. That is his number at present. I can cut it off after.
My parents have offered to pay off the overdraft so a I can close the account myself. I can’t freeze it otherwise I have to see him to take that off to then close it. I wish everything was as simple as it is written and I am trying my best here!
As for the dog, I will have to wait until MIL comes back from holiday. I will not treat an animal a way I wouldn’t treat a child.
He has left me under a huge amount of pressure and I don’t think he even cares about that either. He is too busy loving life.
I heard from his best mate earlier. Apparently DH won’t speak to him now because he had a go at him for the way he has been treating the kids and I. He is popping round later for a chat. I am hoping he can help with a few bits too. Today my Son and his 17yr old mate mowed my back garden and help me tidy up. Something else DH didn’t do before he left. At 5ft 9inch and 8st I don’t have the strength to mow it myself.
My mental health has suffered because of him. Hence why a I have crashed and burned this time. Even now it feels like a I am being punished.
I have sent him a message making it clear that this is not acceptable. He collects his stuff and transfers the sky and WiFi by 9am Monday or I will be taking the stuff to the tip and transfer the address to his Brothers. He won’t like that but tough!

Oh op- you're doing your best. That's really kind of your son's friend to help. Keep going- once UC kicks in (and don't get me started on the scandalous time THAT takes for people in need 😡), it'll start to get better.

I would phone up the rspca tell them mil abandoned her dog at your you have been unable to contact but due to waiting for us are unable to feed it .

Why can't you give CMS his work address? They need it to garnish his wages.
Also, upthread you said you cancelled the phone (SIM) but now you're saying you haven't.

As for the dog, it's been abandoned by his true owners, give them notice and have the dog placed in a shelter.

And you can serve divorce papers at your H's place of work as you don't know where he lives.

I said I had cancelled it previously. That’s how I know he would still use it on WiFi. When he left last time.
A work address is not a residential address.

Ah OP this made me feel a bit teary

Today my Son and his 17yr old mate mowed my back garden and help me tidy up. Something else DH didn’t do before he left.

What lovely boys - see you've obviously done a lot right to have a supportive and kind son

@ThatCurlyGirl - I know. I am not going to lie, has made me feel quite overwhelmed. All of my children have been really supportive and understanding of the situation. They have refused to see him for the moment. Broke my heart but Mubarak son told him they need to distance themselves from him because of this. What made it worse was their biological Dad died when they were young. DH officially adopted them 2 1/2 years ago. Took a year. This has been the only family unit they had ever had. Only Dad they had ever known. To my Son, adopting them meant he was going to stick around. They feel abandoned and utterly let down. I can’t blame them for feeling that way. When mum som went to his work a few days ago and saw him laughing and having a drink he wasn’t happy. He knows that isn’t right or normal behaviour.
I am sorry if I have bored anyone on here. I don’t really have any friends I can rely on as such. I also feel humiliated having to explain. It’s bad enough financially let alone personally. My Mum is quite old. She is worrying enough as it is, I can’t put that stress on her.
I am really grateful for all the support, it does help! X

As someone who is adopted, it sounds like your DS has his head screwed on and has realised that his Dad's behaviour is down to issues totally unrelated to adoption.

You're both every bit as much a mum and dad regardless of adoption but there are difficult and draining people in all families!

Well done again I think you're doing so well to keep it together

Aww he really does. That is what he said to his Dad, he needed the distance because he has more important things to worry about than him out drinking and not caring.

OP, I am so sorry you're struggling with all of this.

CMS? I really wouldn't bother. Once he's in prison he won't have to pay anyway.

Also, once he's in prison he won't have access to alcohol.

What worries me is the distinct possibility that when he's banged up he will contact you and tell you how sorry he is for everything. And you'll be sucked in again.

Please do your best not to let that happen.

for you. You're going through hell here.