Husband didn’t come home! AIBU?

[Hammers1987]

So, Husband walked out on me and our children three weeks ago tomorrow.
He kissed me goodbye, said I love you and went to work like usual. He works in a bar. He just didn’t come home. Claims to have been drinking and slept in the car.
He disappeared for nearly two weeks. Didn’t collect any clothes and left me with no money to feed the kids and pay bills.
Last Friday we met in town, he asked to come to our home and see the dogs. Whilst here he asked if he had any clean socks and made a big thing about not packing his clothes.
After speaking all day via message he come home. We talked. He said he had missed me and the kids. It had been really hard without us all. He loved me. Wasn’t going anywhere. Promised everything would be okay. We had set. Slept holding each other. The following day, a week today, we were laying in bed watching tele in the morning. Had sex again. DH said we needed to spend time like that more often. We had a nice day together. He gave me a kiss, said i love you and went to work. I woke up the next morning and he didn’t come home again. No explanation just that he was drinking and staying with a mate. Refused to acknowledge anything or speak to me.
One week on, and he still won’t speak to me, but he won’t sort anything else out either! Emotionally I am really struggling.
He refuses to remove me from our joint account, claiming there is no rush and we can use it for bills.
He has not paid the sky and WiFi bills, and as they are in his name I can’t transfer them. I can’t cancel them and get my own either.
He has not given me any money for the kids, and left me in a shit position financially where he didn’t pay his half of the rent.
I also have his Mum’s dog which he has made no effort to sort out. He also has my contract phone which I have to pay for and our door key which he is showing no signs of returning. All he seems to be doing is drinking and is so angry. Didn’t even acknowledge our Anniversary Wednesday which really hurt.
AIBU to think this is not okay and reasonable behaviour?

It's good that you've got angry, it's given you the strength to sort things out.

They've probably been seeing each other for a while. You should get a STI check, in case he's picked anything up from her and passed it on to you, as horrible as it is to think about.

Well done, things will get better for you, but it takes time. Onwards and upwards.

You have made a stand you are stronger, good for you. You have had your lowest point the only way is up now. Please never let this man back in your life he is toxic and not good for you.

You will sort things out, your children will have a good role model in you. You deserve so much better.

Let the lying cow of the woman he is with visit him in prison, as you will have better things to do with your time than to waste it on him.

Your time will come and you will realise how much more you are worth. I wish you and your children well, and a better life without him. Sorry I don't think he is mentally ill just selfish and feckless.

You are in shock as well as everything else.
No wonder you feel the way you do.
Just sending good wishes and only wishing I could help .

Go to Al-Anon. Don't be afraid. Everyone there will understand your story. Everyone there will have lived some version of your story.

Just saw this now. You are so brave and so strong, fair play you are an absolute legend. Keep that anger and make his life hell.
After that you will be sad but now is the time to be strong. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of hand holds here when you need and want to wallow.
In the meantime keep going. 💐

Can you drop his mother's dog off at his new residence? That would be a very cheering thought.

You posted this before. Copied and pasted it would seem.

If you haven’t already done it, definitely freeze the joint account immediately. Now he has maxed out his credit card he will be looking for funds elsewhere to maintain his lifestyle

Morning, yeh I have already done that.

He must be suffering from stress and acopia.
He might just up and leave and never return.
Start a new life elsewhere.

What a mess! After seeing the Dr about my medication, it turns out I am 5 was pregnant. Due to an earlier miscarriage four years ago I was sent for a scan.
I did the decent thing and told ex Husband. He was okay, better than I thought. He was speaking to me all day via message, although I did find it hard when he asked if I missed him!
Well, he asked me to do another test with him which I was fine with. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel when I saw him. It broke my heart all over again, especially seeing he had taken his wedding ring off. Instead of admitting he took it off for her, he said it didn't seem right to wear it as we have argued.
So, I did two tests. Both positive. He stood there shocked for a while, even run the other two (Box of two, different brands) under the tap to compare lines. He didn't say much. I did get upset, and he did offer me a cuddle so which I said no. Seeing him broke me enough and I couldn't be near him knowing he had been with her. I asked if she knew, and he said yes but she hadn't said much. I did politely say that he should of asked me before telling her. But he said it was none of her business, it is between him and I.
He messaged me when he got back to her saying he didn't mean to upset me, and he was staring at the results in shock doubting them. He checked the box several times!
I honestly don't know what to do. I feel tormented. On one side my head is saying that this was all I wanted for four years after losing my baby at 12 was. On the other side I am tormented because all I see is the two of them together. It honestly breaks me. Even now, knowing he is sat hugging her whilst I am sat alone in tears. Why now! After everything'

Didn’t want to read and run - I’m so sorry to read your most recent update OP!
You have been so strong throughout everything he has put you through so far, but this must make things feel even more difficult.
I don’t really have any useful advice (hopefully someone else will be along with some soon!) but you’ve done great so far, and I’m sure you’ll find a way through this situation too.
You sound like a fantastic mum and your kids seem amazing, so if you choose to continue with the pregnancy I’m sure everything will work out great. But equally if you don’t feel able to continue with the pregnancy for any reason, don’t feel pressured to change your mind. Only you know what is best for you and your family.

Thank you, to be honest I am an absolute mess today. I didn't sleep well at all thinking of the two of them all cuddled up whilst I felt so alone. I have been in tears since I woke up early hours this morning. I just can't seem to pull myself together for some reason.
I spoke to the ex briefly via message this morning. He said he still felt a bit shocked and doesn't seem real yet. He has asked me to take my time in making a decision, but isn't really sure how he feels about it himself.
He did the decent thing and paid some of our bills today which took some pressure off. Because the messages were constant I did say that I was struggling with the communication. It wasn't helping me accept that he was living with her now and had a new family. I explained that the communication was tormenting me even more, that I felt weird enough knowing I had my Husbands baby inside me whilst he was with her, and it was just too hard. That whilst he was happy with his new and exciting relationship I was in a different place. I feel broken. All he replied was "Please don't be like that. I don't want to start arguing again and it's been really nice talking decently again since yesterday". I wasn't trying to argue with him. My head is just a mess and I am feeling like the communication is making me more upset.
Everything feels like such a mess and I really do not know what to do for the best. Do I go ahead and do this, or not? Do I want a child which could serve to be a constant reminder of all this pain? This was always something I expected to be a happy time, but feels tainted by the two of them! I wish I could just stop crying!

I am new here so I don’t mind/care if you’ve asked for advice on this before. I was in a very similar situation for over ten years. Goodness knows why I put up with it so long. I’m divorced now and it was the best thing I ever did. Good luck xx

Thank you @Knucklehead101
I am new to all this to be honest. After being so strong, I feel like I have fallen with a bang. Everything just seems like a big mess and I have no idea what to do or how to deal with it. I feel like an emotional wreck today

It will get better even though it’s impossible to see past all the shite at the moment. I’m still up and down now but everything you’re doing is for the best x

In the nicest way, I can understand why you are explaining how you feel about this to him but I think you'll get on better if you keep him at arms length while you decide what's happening. He isn't your emotional rock now as you would expect a DH to be.

I've not read your other threads, I'm sorry you're going through the upheaval of a breakup and a pregnancy at the same time so try and take care of yourself. Don't pile pressure on to make a decision today/tomorrow and don't use XH as a deciding factor either. Assume you will be doing this by yourself and decide what's best for you and your DC.

Surrender the dog to a shelter as it has been abandoned.

Change the locks.

Pack up his shit and put in garbage bags.

Take action to get possession of the house by whichever means you have to.

Can you apply for an occupation order?

Tell him you want a divorce.

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup Yes I understand what you are saying. That is what I also said to him. Especially when he said he'd come and cut the hedge and offered to pick up shopping etc. I did say I can stand on my own two feet. I did also make it clear that emotionally we are in two different places and speaking to him, and him being the way he was was making things more difficult. That's when he said that he is enjoying speaking to me and it had been really nice and didn't want that to stop.
I spoke with a friend who has expressed her concern that he is simply trying to keep his options open to come back. I hope not, because I could barely look at him last night knowing he has been with her. The thought of someone else kissing and touching my DH breaks my heart.
The pregnancy couldn't of come at a worse time. I am so exhausted and feel so torn. I know I have a bit of time to think and decide. I just don't want to get attached and I don't know if I could handle another loss!

I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. Please gather every bit of strength you have and don't let him back. I know it is hard. Please can you speak to gp about counselling to help you decide what to do about pregnancy. Sending you so many hugs. Take some time to try and reframe what has happened to you, imagine your life without him, a life where no one puts you down, or let's you down, a peaceful life, where you feel good about yourself. Try some online meditation, do it regularly and it will help with anxiety and leave your mind clearer. The initial future will be hard, but the future will be brighter without him. Take care X

@Louloulovesyou Thank you for your kind words. They brought tears to my eyes.
I am currently having Counselling sessions weekly. My next one is Tuesday.
I do feel really conflicted about the pregnancy and a lot of that has to do with ex and his new girlfriend. Two weeks ago today he came home, two weeks tomorrow he moved in with her. Him moving on so quickly, but keeping me dangling on some string like an option is a bit much. I realised yesterday he manipulated me and I fell for it. He asked to see me in the afternoon and I said my friend would be here and the kids. He said he wanted it to be the two of us and I said I wasn't comfortable with that, so he said he wouldn't bother and suggested I was playing games. After that I agreed to see him later on my own to do a test. I didn't see it at the time! I almost feel like the other woman and I have swapped roles.
Maybe this pregnancy is meant to be my future happiness. Maybe it was meant to be a way of helping me out of this dark hole with something positive to focus on. Maybe I was meant to experience this loss to gain something better. Who knows!

There's no rush OP. He IS in a different place to you. This came as a shot out of the blue for you, whereas he knew it was coming. I think talking to you is more about easing his own guilt than anything else. By talking to you, and by you talking to him he can tell himself "sure this is fine, now".

You don't owe him anything at this point. Do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself through. You mightn't make perfect, enlightened decisions, but the decisions you will make will be the right ones for you at that time. This is shit. But you will get through it. Day by day. "This too shall pass".

I barely know where to begin.

Why the fuck would you have his child?

Honestly, posts like this make me despair.

It really does sound like he is keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out with other woman. And he is already gaslighting you again. You deserve better, so so much better. The future without him could be so amazing... feeling stronger, safe secure and maybe eventually (if you want) finding a new partner who brings positive things to your life (instead of continually taking). I speak from experience. Come up with some positive mantras and take the time to say them out loud with conviction (sounds daft but I think they work!) 'I am strong and I can do this on my own, I deserve better' And try to work on spotting the manipulative behaviour from him and don't do as he asks. Maybe Women's Aid could help? The Freedom Project? You can do it! You are doing so well, keep pushing forward! You will be so bloody proud of yourself for getting yourself away from him when you look back.

@Merryoldgoat - It is not the child's fault. It's not fair to determine the life of a child based on a situation. I suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks four years ago. The pain and loss was unbearable.