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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband didn’t come home! AIBU?

165 replies

Hammers1987 · 14/09/2019 10:11

So, Husband walked out on me and our children three weeks ago tomorrow.
He kissed me goodbye, said I love you and went to work like usual. He works in a bar. He just didn’t come home. Claims to have been drinking and slept in the car.
He disappeared for nearly two weeks. Didn’t collect any clothes and left me with no money to feed the kids and pay bills.
Last Friday we met in town, he asked to come to our home and see the dogs. Whilst here he asked if he had any clean socks and made a big thing about not packing his clothes.
After speaking all day via message he come home. We talked. He said he had missed me and the kids. It had been really hard without us all. He loved me. Wasn’t going anywhere. Promised everything would be okay. We had set. Slept holding each other. The following day, a week today, we were laying in bed watching tele in the morning. Had sex again. DH said we needed to spend time like that more often. We had a nice day together. He gave me a kiss, said i love you and went to work. I woke up the next morning and he didn’t come home again. No explanation just that he was drinking and staying with a mate. Refused to acknowledge anything or speak to me.
One week on, and he still won’t speak to me, but he won’t sort anything else out either! Emotionally I am really struggling.
He refuses to remove me from our joint account, claiming there is no rush and we can use it for bills.
He has not paid the sky and WiFi bills, and as they are in his name I can’t transfer them. I can’t cancel them and get my own either.
He has not given me any money for the kids, and left me in a shit position financially where he didn’t pay his half of the rent.
I also have his Mum’s dog which he has made no effort to sort out. He also has my contract phone which I have to pay for and our door key which he is showing no signs of returning. All he seems to be doing is drinking and is so angry. Didn’t even acknowledge our Anniversary Wednesday which really hurt.
AIBU to think this is not okay and reasonable behaviour?

OP posts:
PositiveVibez · 14/09/2019 11:05

What more do you want people to say that wasn't on the last thread?

  1. Change the locks
  2. Take dog to shelter and say you found it
  3. DO NOT LET THAT WANKER BACK

The poor kids.

Stressedout10 · 14/09/2019 11:05

Contact his mum give her 72 hours to make arrangements for her dog or you will take it to a shelter as an abandoned dog (which it will be) and then follow through. Pack all of his property up and the next time he contacts you tell him to collect it. Change the locks and seek a possession order on the flat and start a cms claim.
You need to be strong for you and your DC and dump his selfish drunk ass
Also get a sti test asap as I doubt that he is staying in his car more likely with ow

CheshireChat · 14/09/2019 11:05

I'm not so sure that's correct about the dog as you can get rid of other people's stuff if they're on your property if you give the sufficient notice.

Perhaps text him and your MIL that you cannot care for the dog anymore starting x date particularly as you receive no financial support so you'll have to take it to a shelter

PositiveVibez · 14/09/2019 11:06

You may feel broken, but with him facing a prison sentence, you need to distance yourself.

What kind of relationship does he have with his children?

DawgLover · 14/09/2019 11:07

This isn't your fault - he is responsible for his own behaviour. What you CAN do though, is be proactive and take some of the excellent advice on the other thread.

This is the time that you just need to become a bit of a machine and power through the steps to separate yourself from him legally and financially. Its exhausting, but you need to put yourself and your kids first. Stop accepting his shit.

Livelovebehappy · 14/09/2019 11:13

Amazed you need to ask. He’s walking all over you and you’re letting him. Change the locks, put all his stuff in big bags and park them outside. Text him to tell him to pick them up and tell him to pay support for the children starting straight away, regularly, or your next call will be to child support team. Be pro active. He is treating you how you are allowing yourself to be treated.

LagunaBubbles · 14/09/2019 11:14

When he asked to come back and see the dogs he knew the kids were not home. They were all at School.

Well funny enough then he could have came round when they weren't at school!

Original poster
Hammers1987 · 14/09/2019 11:26

His family will not respond to any contact I have made. None! Offered no help or asked if the kids were okay.
He was here Friday night and Saturday day with the kids. They are all teenagers and this has really upset and confused them. Apart from contacting the boys to see if they wanted to go to football on our Anniversary, when they had already said they didn’t want to, he hasn’t bothered with them either. They have to contact him. When he disappeared for those two weeks he ignored messages from the kids for a week also. Not even to wish our child good luck on her first day at College. He was never like that with them. He always made time for them, wanted days out, made sure they had what they needed. It’s been a downward spiral since he was arrested in May. And is a sharp cry from the man who sat hugging me on our sofa crying he didn’t want to lose his wife and family. I just can’t make any sense of it.
I ha e swapped my front and back door locks so he can’t gain access to the house.
I have tried Sky and Virgin but can’t pass security to access the account or even pay it!
My Son personally gave him the form to remove me off the joint account which I had signed, and he refused!
He just seems so angry, and i feel like I don’t know him anymore!

OP posts:
imamum21 · 14/09/2019 11:26

you will get through this! dont let him back, hold your head high, one thing i can suggest is checking if you can do a nil income form with your council, it helps get food vouchers, gas and electric etc

Justaboy · 14/09/2019 11:32

3. DO NOT LET THAT WANKER BACK

Well yes quite!, why not take him outside and shoot him eh?

For christs fucking sakes have some pity /empathy it sounds to me he's becoming mentally ill and needs help. OP is it possible you can get him to see his GP at all I definty think he needs professional help. I did wonder when I started reading this thread if he might have lost his job some men are so embarresed they pretend to go out to work every day but i don't think its that.

Can you elobrate on the possible prision sentence a bit more a if you can ?, that hanging over most anyone would possibely unstablise them!.

PiggyPokkyFool · 14/09/2019 11:34

Listen to everyone on here - great advice.
Reference dog: Send MIL a message and say as your son appears to have left me I have taken dog to his work, please contact him to arrange collection.
Tie dog on a lead to the leg of a chair in the bar and that's sorted.

Original poster
Hammers1987 · 14/09/2019 11:37

I get paid from work in two weeks, although I am currently signed off sick due to struggling emotionally. I struggle wondering how he can just get on with life and go out laughing and drinking like it is nothing. I am struggling to get out of this mindset. How he was on our Anniversary floored me and I wish i could get angry, I just haven’t got the energy.
My Mum paid for some food shopping for me Thursday, and I have rescheduled bills for when I get paid. I have called the Child Maintenance Service. They now need to contact him which isn’t easy as he never answers. Ignores anything. He got paid yesterday, in cash weekly. Put no money in the bank at all.

OP posts:
StarbucksSmarterSister · 14/09/2019 11:43

It’s been a downward spiral since he was arrested in May.

Well there you have it He is obviously undergoing some sort of mental health crisis brought on by being caught.

Although if he committed fraud to fund his (/your?) lifestyle I would find it difficult to have too much sympathy. What sort of "lifestyle" - did it include gambling, drugs or was the money spent on the family or the house?

Original poster
Hammers1987 · 14/09/2019 11:47

@Justaboy - I had mentioned the Dr’s a few times before he left. He had been suffering with a blocked ear for months which he can’t hear out of. Also a persistent cough, he does smoke a hell of a lot especially drinking. Between 30-40 a day. I also noticed the hand shakes. He wouldn’t go. Even when I made an appointment. Just sat at home watching YouTube all day or playing Fifa on the PS4 before going out to drink or work.
He runs a bar so has easy access to alcohol, and being a social club cheap alcohol. They normalise his behaviour. I spoke to a Colleague of his at the weekend and she has said he has been making mistakes at work and very forgetful. She covered for him enabling him more. His employer knows he has issues where alcohol is concerned having been drunk in shift and storming out. They wrote it into his contract he is not to drink before work, during work or on a break from a split shift. He still does. He binge drinks strong lager, followed by downing double spirits with a mixer and shots. What used to be every other day is now everyday drinking.
He was arrested due to selling copyright material via Facebook under a fake name. Sky and the premier league we’re cracking down on what he was doing. They had discovered half a million pound of fraud and money laundering. Without further evidence on his phone, laptop and iPad which they seized. He will be going to prison. He hasn’t even told his own Parents he was arrested or what he is facing. Couldn’t be honest with his own Brother either. He simply tells people what he wants them to know.
If this behaviour was normal I could probably get my head around it and accept it. Only it isn’t. The day before he didn’t come home a couple of weeks ago the first time. We had been out for dinner and to the cinema. This time he was so affectionate and seemed genuine. I do worry about him even though he has left me in the shit and all of us hurting

OP posts:
Original poster
Hammers1987 · 14/09/2019 11:48

@StarbucksSmarterSister - It wasn’t to fund our lifestyle. I knew nothing about it. The money he had went on his lifestyle, going out and god knows what else.

OP posts:
Ated · 14/09/2019 11:49

Get a solicitor. Change the locks, inform the council that he has moved out and you are divorcing him. Kick the dog out or call the RSPCA to collect it as it is unwanted.Make a decision and stick with it.

colourlessgreenidea · 14/09/2019 11:52

AIBU to think this is not okay and reasonable behaviour?

I’m pretty sure you don’t need internet strangers to answer that for you.

Elieza · 14/09/2019 11:56

Totally agree split stuff now. Lawyer. Bills. Everything. Contact the bank for advice re joint account. I don’t think you can just abandon the poor dog. His mum will find out soon enough he’s getting the jail at which point the dog will be homeless. Phone the mum re the dog and ask what she wants to do as her son is about to get the jail for fraud and you can’t keep it. For the sake of my conscience I’d take the dog the five hour trip to hers and drop it off if you know when she’s likely to be there.

Good luck. He’s an idiot

StarGOLD · 14/09/2019 11:58

You're on your own love. You, the kids and the dog..abandoned. Put his stuff in a bag and take it to his work. Get legal advice, get down to the food bank for some help and stand up tall. You can do it..

BarbedBloom · 14/09/2019 11:58

Honestly, one way or another I think you have to assume your marriage is over. I would struggle to come back from this unless he seriously committed to attending an alcoholics meeting and seeing a doctor about his mental health.

It sounds like he thinks he will lose his family when he goes to prison so he is going scorched earth on his life. You can't do anything about it now, all you can do is protect you and the children.

When I split with my awful ex he ended up in prison a few months later. He had refused to sort out things like Sky as well but as soon as I said he was in prison they closed all the accounts, so at least that might help, though I don't know when it will happen.

You need to be proactive now. Bag up all his stuff and ask him to collect it or drop it at a friend's. If you are claiming UC it needs to be clear you are separated now, so having his stuff still in your wardrobe is a bad idea

SureTry · 14/09/2019 12:02

What was wrong with your other post?

ThirstyGhost · 14/09/2019 12:03

You posted this word-for-word last time and I think also another time before. He's an alcoholic and you're enabling him by allowing him back in over and over again. You need to cut him off completely so that he realises what he's done to himself. You are not a treatment centre. He needs professional help, but has to realise that for himself. You cannot help him, fix him or make him get help. You need to put your children first and cut him out. If he gets sober and stays that way - years down the line you can reconsider the relationship if you wanted.

Go to Al-Anon: www.al-anonuk.org.uk There are meetings all over the place at different times of the day and there'll be one close to you. There are meetings online. You'll start to make more sense of what's happening if you talk to them. The answer to every question in your post is "because he's an alcoholic"

Scarydinosaurs · 14/09/2019 12:04

Nothing you’ve said makes me think this is out of character.

It sounds entirely in keeping with his character.

Tell the bank you’ve split- that freezes the joint account and then he will take you off.

I would be divorcing and changing my name ASAP. And encouraging my children to do the same. This man is a criminal and sharing names and addresses with him is only going to negatively impact upon your own future prospects.

AlwaysCheddar · 14/09/2019 12:09

Send your mil a message to say she has 48 hours to get the dog or it goes to a shelter. Tell her you won’t be expecting a response but come insert time, dog goes.

MouseInATelescope · 14/09/2019 12:11

Okay this is disturbing. I went through this exact thing a year today almost word for word. Right down to the money situation.

Do you think he's cheating?

How old are your children?

I think he's the same as my EX. He wants to properly leave/split but doesn't have the nerve. Probably wants YOU to be the one to throw him out or leave, so he can say "she left me! she threw me out!" and won't get any of the blame.

Mine messed me about for months - staying out drinking etc, then eventually left and stayed gone. I was an absolute wreck I didn't even realise he'd properly gone and taken all his clothes for days. This last year I've had to move house, and move my 7 year old schools. Stress like you wouldn't believe.

I don't think you'll get a straight answer from him but you NEED one. He's either in, or he's out. This isn't fair on anyone.