Husband didn’t come home! AIBU?

[Hammers1987]

So, Husband walked out on me and our children three weeks ago tomorrow.
He kissed me goodbye, said I love you and went to work like usual. He works in a bar. He just didn’t come home. Claims to have been drinking and slept in the car.
He disappeared for nearly two weeks. Didn’t collect any clothes and left me with no money to feed the kids and pay bills.
Last Friday we met in town, he asked to come to our home and see the dogs. Whilst here he asked if he had any clean socks and made a big thing about not packing his clothes.
After speaking all day via message he come home. We talked. He said he had missed me and the kids. It had been really hard without us all. He loved me. Wasn’t going anywhere. Promised everything would be okay. We had set. Slept holding each other. The following day, a week today, we were laying in bed watching tele in the morning. Had sex again. DH said we needed to spend time like that more often. We had a nice day together. He gave me a kiss, said i love you and went to work. I woke up the next morning and he didn’t come home again. No explanation just that he was drinking and staying with a mate. Refused to acknowledge anything or speak to me.
One week on, and he still won’t speak to me, but he won’t sort anything else out either! Emotionally I am really struggling.
He refuses to remove me from our joint account, claiming there is no rush and we can use it for bills.
He has not paid the sky and WiFi bills, and as they are in his name I can’t transfer them. I can’t cancel them and get my own either.
He has not given me any money for the kids, and left me in a shit position financially where he didn’t pay his half of the rent.
I also have his Mum’s dog which he has made no effort to sort out. He also has my contract phone which I have to pay for and our door key which he is showing no signs of returning. All he seems to be doing is drinking and is so angry. Didn’t even acknowledge our Anniversary Wednesday which really hurt.
AIBU to think this is not okay and reasonable behaviour?

You can’t rationalise WHY he has done what he has as he is not rational. He is an alcoholic. And a nasty one at that. His lies and criminal behaviour has now caught up with him and he is basically crashing and burning.

You can’t change him.
You can’t help him.
And you didn’t cause it. It’s not your fault. It’s not anything you did or didn’t do.

If he ends up in prison he will presumably dry out then. But he will probably expect you to take him back. Don’t. You and your children do not deserve the shitty way he is treating you.

Re the dog can you contact his brother and ask him to take the dog?

If not I would contact his mother and let her know what is happening. Even if she doesn’t care at least then she might take responsibility for the dog. Are you happy to keep the dog till she comes back from holiday? (If the brother won’t take it.). If so I would tell her she has until after her holiday t arrange for the dog to be picked up as you cannot afford to keep it. See if you get anywhere that way.

Going to an Al-anon meeting is a good idea. You need support for yourself. You also need to understand that there is no point trying to rationalise his behaviour. None. It’s all alcohol driven and panicking.

You need to be in self preservation mode now.

@Hammers1987 I'm so sorry you've got all this sh*t to wade through before you can properly get on with your life.

Your parents & children sound very special, of course they are worried for you because they love you & (as they don't know the truth) have some love for your STBXH too. I think you should share some of the truth with them, particularly the arrest & possible custodial sentence - they need to know a little of what he is really like.

WRT the joint bank account, don't let your parents pay off the overdraft (at least) half of it is his responsibility. Talk to your bank & set up a new account, keep yourself in credit from thereon, if you can.

You have been so strong, keep on finding the steps you can take to improve your lit and keep making them, with confidence in yourself.

Best wishes, you deserve so much better.

Pack his shit and throw it out. Change the locks.

Thank you @Peridot1 and @RoseyOldCrow.
I have told my Children the truth. They were here when TS and the police came to search the house and arrest him. They are pretty disgusted by all of his behaviour and recognise it is all down to alcohol. They all told him themselves that he dropped his family to get pissed all the time. Spent all our money to do the same. They have the same strength and mouth I had before him! The person I aspire to be again.
I have gone from being tearful to angry. Mum daughter messaged him this morning to see if she could see him. It’s been a week. He read her message and ignored her! When he got in touch hours later wouldn’t give her a straight answer about getting her training scissors and passed the buck to me. The kids do not want to see or speak to him now. I will not encourage that, but I cant force them either. How dare he do that!
One way or the other the dog is going, he has left me with more than enough shit to clear up whilst he props up the bar.
I know I should let him take the responsibility for half of the joint account but it is just another tie to each other and a way to control over me. I want and need a clear break. Because Trading Standards do not rush their investigations I have no idea when his custodial sentence will be.
It is amazing how much alcohol can change a person. He is not the man i met and married. He would never have done anything like this.

In Scotland I think the police have a year to take someone to court, day one being the day he was arrested. They generally have a first court date six to eight weeks shy of the 12 months. It may be different where you are. They will prioritise the ones whose dates are nearly up so they get them through in time.

It’s good he has other relatives and a friend who you have contact info for that you can perhaps give the dog to in order to return it to the mil when she gets back from her holidays.

Is MIL supposed to be collecting the dog when she gets back from holiday?

@Elieza - I am not sure how long the process takes here. All I know is he hasn’t returned since the arrest in May. I was called in for an interview at the beginning of August, and released as I wasn’t aware. From what they said with the information they have obtained from his devices along with what they already investigated, he is in a lot of trouble. Especially half a million. That’s his own fault, and during that time I was paying for things such as school uniform on my credit card and next account!
I have said I want the dog gone. One way or the other. I don’t care who picks him up, but when I go back to work he can’t handle being home alone. He is old and urinates on the carpet. Scratches his head which already has a bald spot. He can’t be on his own.
I feel quite strange to be honest. I know I need to start rebuilding a life for my children and I. New friends. New start. I am not really sure where to start. My life has been a rollercoaster for so long i don’t know what normal is anymore. Or even how to relax.

Well done OP you have completed lots of useful and proactive actions.

Stay strong & do not ever forgive him for this

Some of the posters on here ought to be ashamed of themselves, kicking OP when she's down. Where's your empathy? Have any of you any idea what it is like to be broken by an abusive relationship?

OP I don't have any useful advice, but I'm proud of you for the steps you have taken so far. Good luck.

@FluffyCloudsInTheSky - Thank you so much! I really appreciate the support and encouragement.
I will never forgive him for this, and for the hurt he has caused our children. He will never step foot in my home again, and I will transform it from our home to mine.

we previously had a joint claim and advance which i will now have to pay back.

You shouldn't be responsible for the whole repayment if it was a joint claim. When I left my now ExH 9 years ago we had a large amount to repay. I called and explained we'd separated and that half the debt is his. I sorted out an agreement with TC that I paid my half back, and set up a DD to do just that. I cleared my half within 11 months.

He, however, has made no attempt so far. I only know as they sent me a letter to say the debt was still outstanding. When I called in a panic they said they were aware I'd paid my half and that he'd not paid his, but as it was a joint account they had to send the letters to both of us. It won't be me they come after if he still refuses to pay up.

@Hammers1987 It really sounds like your DH has messed his life up and being an alcoholic he deals with it the way an alcoholic does.. By drinking more. In a way he is doing you all a favour by staying away and not letting you see him crash and burn. He is not enjoying life. He's due a prison sentence, so I'm sure he's just decided to let it all hang out. So take comfort in the knowledge that he hasn't just walked out in you for nothing. Some men are just very good at putting feelings into a box, and carrying in as if no thing's happened.

Having said that he's no good for you and he's a terrible role model for your children. Abusive, controlling criminal. Terrible! You will be OK. Takes time to recover, but you really really will be better without his negative influence in your life!!

@WatchingFromTheWings - I have argued with UC as much as I can. Sadly it is me claiming and not him.
@Mellowyellowjello - Sadly it looks that way, and I think I have been grieving the Husband and Dad I knew and loved. Not the man he become. There was never any apology when he was nasty the last couple of months. Just used sex as a way to make things good and then brushed everything else under the carpet. Kept saying he wanted our marriage to be how it was, but went out drinking all the time. It become me and the kids, him on his own. Wasn’t interested in how I felt and never once saw how unhappy and stressed his drinking made me. The pressure to juggle money to pay bills. Never even asked if I wanted to go out half the time.
Coming home and using me, lying to me the way he did. That was low by anyone’s standards. To start having a go at me about sorting finances out etc on our Anniversary was an even lower blow and a far cry from the man I knew and married.

Unfortunately by the time he realises, if ever, it is now too late. I am certainly not supporting him now. I was prepared to stand by him four months ago. When he had genuine remorse and was worried and crying that he didn’t want to lose me and the kids. He did that on his own, drinking with a bunch of much younger blokes he has barely known for months. Binge drinking every day like a 20 year old. More fool him. He is losing the respect of his own children.
I had a call from a friend an hour ago. Our Husbands used to go drinking together, and be a pain in the arse staying out. Coming back smashed after what was meant to be a couple of pints. Same story all the time. Her Husband is out drinking, was meant to meet her and their young kids to go swimming and for dinner. Didn’t bother. She is sat there anxious about the stare he will come home in. Pissed off he has let her down. Again. And worrying that he has their bank card, and what he’ll spend. That was me, five-six days a week. I don’t have to worry about that now. It was quite a strange feeling I must admit.

That was me, five-six days a week. I don’t have to worry about that now. It was quite a strange feeling I must admit.

Hold on to that feeling OP. He has been an absolute shit and really left you in it but you have taken a lot of positive actions as PPs said and you will get through this. As hard as it seems now, it is only going to get better from here. And soon, when the dust settles and you have started to get back on your feet, that feeling that you no longer have to deal with stress and lies and abuse every day will really hit and it will be such a blessed relief.

Stay strong OP and for you

Thank you @leomama81. I feel a lot more together now than I have the last few weeks. I have sat and watched tv in peace, and eaten a dinner for the first time in a week. No tears, no feeling lonely. No checking my phone every five mins in case he has text.
Today has helped me realise I am not to blame. He always punished me by leaving for a couple of days at times. I now know this isn’t my fault. He is a toxic person. His behaviour is toxic. His recklessness and irresponsibility did to alcohol is toxic. I may have be sad because I lost the man he was. He has lost his wife, three children, our home, security. His friends. And mostly himself. In comparison I think I am lucky and I will rebuild my life and family. We will be happier and live a peaceful, secure, drama free life.

How far away does he work? Can your DS take the dog to his place of work and give it to him? I know he shouldn’t have to but the guy clearly isn’t replying to any communication.

@LtJudyHopps - He works about 45 min walk away from home. Trouble is with that is finding out when he is working. I wouldn’t want my son doing anything like that. I don’t want to drag them into this.

So, I find out today Ex Husband is now living with a female work colleague. Been together since he left ten days ago.
Slept with me the Friday and Saturday and was in bed with her the Saturday night and Sunday onwards.
Not going to lie. I am completely gutted! After five years he moved on in five mins. With a woman who spoke to me that Sunday for three hours saying I deserved better and he was an asshole. Was out playing happy families with her young son at the weekend. Not contacted his own kids for over a week!

OP I am so sorry to hear this.

OP I'm sorry to hear how you feel. The woman sounds like an idiot as is your ex. I have a feeling that's the easy option of giving him somewhere to live as opposed to the romance of the century

You and your DS deserve better, his true colours have been shown

Have you ever been to Al-Anon? I recently started going and I cannot recommend it enough. I thought I was alone. I thought I was the only one. I though nobody could understand what I go through, and why I put up with the shit I do/did.

Please, find your local meeting and go. You will not regret it and it WILL change your life for the better.

Please go... And keep going.

Wow, that’s brutal. Can’t help but think more fool her from what you’ve told us about him, what a rat. Perhaps she has a spare room and they are flat mates though? You’re so better off without him but I know it must hurt like hell. Sorry you’re going through that OP.

He is an arsehole. You do deserve better.

Thank you,
I have seen an al-anon meeting near me Friday. I will go, although I am a bit nervous about going.

He is definitely with her. Won't come out and say it outright or admit it. However, his credit card statement come today. He took her to Southend for the night on 27th and to Brentford Manor on 28th. That room alone was £150! Yet he left his wife and kids struggling and not paying any bills! I did go nuts. All he could say was I haven't cheated - yes you did love! Massively! Credit card all maxed out now, will have to calm down the champagne lifestyle! Haha!
They are definitely not just sharing a house. She has two young kids as well. I have made it clear that I'd be still can't admit the relationship, is lying and keeping it a secret, even from his own family, it is because he knows it is wrong. That's why he has shut down and ignored all of his friends.
I am hurt but I did lose my shit yesterday! I had the rest of his stuff dumped in her lawn. Ripped all the pictures down, got all our cards and sent them there too. Called Council Tax, and registered him there. The. Went on to call all his debtors and give her address. Sky were quite good when I got upset and changed the address so I could order my own! I also got CMS sent to her too.
My kids have made it clear they want nothing to do with her. They know her. Don't like her and never did. She is just as bad as him. Dumped her boyfriend who she was trying for a baby with because of his drinking. And went away with my Husband four days later! One in and one out at her house! She is as two faced and as much of a liar as he is! It won't last at all. Especially working together and knowing them both after a few drinks. Not to mention no money.
He hasn't returned my phone. Still. I have blocked it but he uses it on WiFi. And no sign of the dog going. MIL still ignoring it. I am, however. Playing hardball now and he doesn't like it. Has spent all day trying to talk to me saying he wants us to be able to talk and be amicable. Now he wants to be amicable and talk! Should of thought about that before lying and cheating on your wife mate!
What he has done is brutal, but I will and have been ruthless!