Husband didn’t come home! AIBU?

[Hammers1987]

So, Husband walked out on me and our children three weeks ago tomorrow.
He kissed me goodbye, said I love you and went to work like usual. He works in a bar. He just didn’t come home. Claims to have been drinking and slept in the car.
He disappeared for nearly two weeks. Didn’t collect any clothes and left me with no money to feed the kids and pay bills.
Last Friday we met in town, he asked to come to our home and see the dogs. Whilst here he asked if he had any clean socks and made a big thing about not packing his clothes.
After speaking all day via message he come home. We talked. He said he had missed me and the kids. It had been really hard without us all. He loved me. Wasn’t going anywhere. Promised everything would be okay. We had set. Slept holding each other. The following day, a week today, we were laying in bed watching tele in the morning. Had sex again. DH said we needed to spend time like that more often. We had a nice day together. He gave me a kiss, said i love you and went to work. I woke up the next morning and he didn’t come home again. No explanation just that he was drinking and staying with a mate. Refused to acknowledge anything or speak to me.
One week on, and he still won’t speak to me, but he won’t sort anything else out either! Emotionally I am really struggling.
He refuses to remove me from our joint account, claiming there is no rush and we can use it for bills.
He has not paid the sky and WiFi bills, and as they are in his name I can’t transfer them. I can’t cancel them and get my own either.
He has not given me any money for the kids, and left me in a shit position financially where he didn’t pay his half of the rent.
I also have his Mum’s dog which he has made no effort to sort out. He also has my contract phone which I have to pay for and our door key which he is showing no signs of returning. All he seems to be doing is drinking and is so angry. Didn’t even acknowledge our Anniversary Wednesday which really hurt.
AIBU to think this is not okay and reasonable behaviour?

Hes facing a prison sentence so is running amok you dont need that when you hav e kids- just tell him its over and you need to seprate your not their to be used when he fancies some sex-is that all youre worth?

@BarbedBloom - As far as his stuff is concerned I have bagged it up. He is driving around in a car with no tax or insurance as the direct debits bounced. I have told him this and he isn’t interested in sorting that out either. I don’t know where he is staying or when he is working.
I do worry about his mental health. Especially as no-one whether friends or family will say anything or try and help him. He is the type of man to ignore things and bury his head in the sand. I’d you were to see him out you probably wouldn’t guess anything was wrong!
I am struggling with how he could do this to the kids and I. Just disappear and send a text like it’s nothing. Ignore us all for days like we don’t exist. I wish I didn’t worry about it and I wish I could just forget and move on, but that’s easier said than done.
The dog, I can’t just abandon him. It’s not his fault and he is an anxious dog as it is. MIL goes on holiday Tuesday for two weeks. Moved a month ago. I don’t even know where she lives and as I have said, she will not answer my attempts to contact her.
I did freeze our joint account when he originally disappeared. When we met last Friday it was to unfreeze it.

Ive read this before

@Hammers1987 You are doing well then. This will be a massive shock and I am not surprised you are struggling. Feelings aren't a switch and you can't just flip them off, so i get that too, but i do think now you have to refocus that concern on yourself and your children. He is an adult and will make his own choices and unfortunately he is the only one who can help himself now. It doesn't mean you can't be worried of course, just that you need to separate that from the practical aspects.

I think the fact he met you to unfreeze the joint account, have sex and then left again says it all I am afraid. I am not trying to hurt you here, just help you understand that it is about moving forward now and that may mean leaving him behind.

At the moment if he does come back again I would send him away as you can't trust him and him being there for a short time will just confuse and upset your children. I would speak to the tenancy officer too as there must be a way of removing him from a tenancy if you are separated. Good luck 🌷

It may be worth posting in relationships for ideas on how you can start to deal with all of this.

Ps. I.am a soft touch so I couldn't rehome the dog either.

@MouseInATelescope - I am so sorry! Knowing how I am feeling I am sorry you also had to go through this. It is unbelievably upsetting and stressful.
I did consider him cheating, however I spoke to the Colleague I thought he was cheating with and definitely not. He is just drinking with a group of younger blokes. I did ask him outright and he swore he wasn’t.
Our children are 16 and twin 15 years old.
I would be inclined to think the same, only he made a big deal a week ago about not packing his stuff and coming home. He is still actively using my contract phone which i took out for him when his was seized. He won’t return it. I could cut it off but the phone can still be used on WiFi and I still have to pay for it regardless.
It has done me in the way he came home, said what he did and did what he did. Leaving for work like everything was okay to not coming back again. Most of his clothes and trainers are here. All his paperwork. The dog.
It’s like I don’t exist a week after he come home and I am struggling with that sudden shift in behaviour. This time last week we were hugging on the sofa. Now he won’t even answer a message!

Then freeze it again, and next time don’t have sex with him and believe his lies.

The dog is not more important than your children. Get rid of the dog and focus on sorting your life out.

You cannot passively sit by and watch him fuck up your life and then complain later- you can do things NOW to preserve your own future, and your children’s.

OP, his other friends and family probably won't help him now as they will have tried and been put through the "alcoholic wringer" with him many times, they've had enough and don't want burned again. You should pay attention to that - you can't help him or cure him.
From your earlier posts I was thinking you were a wee young lassie with 3 little ones as you sounded so naive and lacking in self esteem. Now, you've got teenagers, so you must be of a reasonable age! It's time to grow up, woman up, take the steps to cut yourself off from this loser before his criminal record affects your future, and protect your children. He's gone, done, and about to go down. You need to look after you and the kids only. Spend your energy wisely, don't waste it on him.

@Hammers1987
Not TTFT BUT you were on a few days ago with the same thing.
Baby steps !
You were doing well .
It is all for you and your children now .You are that mainstay and have to be a rock for your family.

3. DO NOT LET THAT WANKER BACK

Well yes quite!, why not take him outside and shoot him eh?

Justaboy, as hard as it is to not feel compelled to stand up for a bro no matter what, the kids are the priority in this shitty situation this crappy sperm donor has created. But yes, nasty women looking out for the kids welfare instead of centering the man.

The Al anon advice should be your first step. You need to know you're not too blame for this. You can't fix it or control what's happening. When you understand this you'll be able to do what's necessary.

"Especially as no-one whether friends or family will say anything or try and help him."

They are right not to. What you're doing is enabling and it's making things worse. Read what @GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap wrote above and try and take it on board. You're ignoring any posters who mention alcoholism so far. Your head is as much in the sand as your husband's.

text your husband to say the dog will be rehomed at 9am monday if she isnt collected.

change the locks, depending on your door they are easy to do yourself and you can pick up most barrels for under £10.

ring your landlord and inform him you are now a sole tenant and to get a new contract drawn up. then apply for all relevant benefits help.

ring the relevant suppliers and get all new contracts. Anything in his name can just keep running up a bill in his name, thats not your problem.

also report the phone and handset as stolen

I am trying my best to protect my children. Comforting them when he doesn’t answer their messages. Comforting them when they are crying and angry.
I don’t speak badly of him, and try and encourage them to be strong. Keep them in a routine.
I haven’t got any confidence or self esteem. The life has been drained out of me the last few months. After months of being strong I have crashed and burned.

Sorry, I have not purposely ignored posts regarding his drinking.
His drinking is a big concern for me. His mate did try and speak to him and he refused to have anything to do with him after that. I am not sure him Mother would even broach the subject. His brother is of the mentality to let him get on with it.

Well Al-Anon will help your children too. But I don't think you'll go. I think you'll be back here posting this again word-for-word in a week or so.

Why do you keep posting the same thing but doing nothing about your situation? I just don’t get it!

@Luckybe40 - I have done quite a lot since he left. I can’t physically or financially do anymore!
The emotional pain I cannot just switch off or the worry. No. He doesn’t deserve me to worry but you don’t and can’t just switch feelings off or stop caring after a week.

You need to take control of this situation however hard you might find that to be.

Reading what you are saying:

1-he left without warning making no contact
2-he came back to see the dogs (not his kids)
3-he used you for sex
4-he left again without saying a word or leaving money
5-he has been arrested for fraud to the tune of half a million but you never saw any benefit of that
6-he is a big drinker and drinking even more
7-he is driving without tax or insurance

Any one of those things are a reason to walk away. All of them? He isn’t really a keeper is he?

I guess even if he was around you’d have to deal with living on your own because if he doesn’t go to prison for 5, I hope he does for 7 (and I say that as someone who’s friend was killed by someone driving in that same circumstance).

I think you should let his mother know about the possibility of a prison sentence. Just because she won't talk to you (what's that about, has she always been like that?) doesn't mean you can't contact her.

Also, what was the original deal with her dog? Were you just looking after it while she moved house and went on holiday? Was she going to come and pick him/her up when she got back?

If he comes back, don't let him just swan back in and play happy families. I know all you want, is for him to be like he used to be, but he's not like that now, and you need to separate from him. Don't listen to him telling you how much he loves you, etc, and don't fall for his tears, he's just feeling sorry for himself.

Time to concentrate on getting yourself straight. What have you said to your kids? They're old enough to speak frankly to.

I have been to the CAB and spoken to a a solicitor and I cannot just dump his Mum’s dog anywhere. I will only get myself into trouble.

Take the dog to MIL house, tie the dog to fence outside her house - job done. It's her dog. You cant be forced to look after an animal that's not yours.

Oh, and regarding him driving uninsured etc, if he's drinking that much, he shouldn't even be driving. You should report him to the police. They'll pick him up, and you'll know where he is then.

@LifeImplosionImminent MIL's house is 5 hours away.

Can some of you just lay off the OP?

She has attempted to explain that she struggling to comprehend what is going on and isn't actually ABLE to immediately take your advice on board and run with it. You ignore these responses. OP needs to be treated gently and encouraged to help herself. Sounding annoyed that yours or others (albeit excellent) advice hasn't been Immediately Acted Upon shows a total lack of compassion and understanding of the situation and you should really just fuck off past the thread instead of upsetting her further. It is her thread not yours!

Sorry for what you are going through OP; come back for advice as many times as you like.

I’d dump his stuff at work, change the locks, take mums dog to a shelter, phone any company that he is still on bills for and tell them they need to either transfer the account to you or they won’t be getting paid as he has left, isn’t paying, and is untraceable. I’d phone and report him for driving an untaxed and uninsured car. I’d contact CMS again. Oh and I’d start divorce proceedings.