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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I should have my DS adopted to give him a better chance

150 replies

MistyGlen · 14/09/2019 09:46

I look at my DS and feel so sorry for him being stuck with me. I’ve never really had a friend, just acquaintances. I get excluded from every group and I’m always left out. At school nobody would speak to me and I was always alone. Struggled to get a job despite good qualifications because employers never hit it off with me. Invited neighbours round but when they had a party they didn’t invite me back. Took up a hobby and a baby group to meet people but never get invited to their meet ups outside of the weekly group. Today found out one of them is having a birthday party and has invited everyone except DS and me.

I really don’t want DS to be rejected and not invited because people don’t like me. I’m obviously not likeable or pleasant to be with, my entire life people have not wanted to spend time with me by choice, but DS is stuck with me. If someone else was his mum he’d be invited. I look at his poor little face and feel like he’s being punished for having me as a mother. And I’m worried that whatever is wrong with me will rub off on him.

OP posts:

girlintheglass · 14/09/2019 09:49

Nothing is wrong with you. You just haven't found your people yet ❤️ your boy loves you to the moon and back and I bet there is no one else in the world he would rather have as his mum xx

Pamplemousecat · 14/09/2019 09:51

Oh please don’t think like that. This is such a sad and heartfelt post. Your little boy will be just fine with a mum who loves him as much as you do.

TeenPlusTwenties · 14/09/2019 09:51

How old is your DS?

Once they get to around 6 or 7 friendships tend to be much more child led than parent led.

Your child would not be better off being adopted.

I'm an adoptive parent. It's a last resort as the trauma of losing your primary carer can have lots of impact and should only be done if the home environment is neglectful/violent/abusive.

I'm not going to try to advise you on how to make friends, as I'm not great with it, but stick with it, in terms of smiling, saying Hi etc.

C0untDucku1a · 14/09/2019 09:51

What are your interests? Maybe start with joining groups you are passionate about, rather than ones you feel you should join. More likely to find kindred spirits when youre doing what you love.

Barbel · 14/09/2019 09:52

Ah you do love him so much don't you! He's lucky to have that love.
Fuck everybody else. People can be wankers full stop

saoirse31 · 14/09/2019 09:53

Agree with poster above. In meantime? Dont know old he is, but stop arranging stuff to meet people. Start arranging things hed like and you like. when hes older esp if only child get him into sports or whatever it is he likes. Invite his school friends over whether they invite him back or not. Get out every day eve to the park or museum or wherever. Talk to him. He'll be fine. Good luck!

Billballbaggins · 14/09/2019 09:53

Nothing is wrong with you. You just haven't found your people yet ❤️ your boy loves you to the moon and back and I bet there is no one else in the world he would rather have as his mum xx

100% agree ^^

You’re his mum, he loves you more than anyone else in the universe.
It’s hard when you struggle socially, I understand, I have always struggled socially too. Never had many friends either as a child or as an adult so I get it.

MyLittleFamily2019 · 14/09/2019 09:54

OP, I am similar. I guess I’m just not easy to click with. The way I see it is you can’t change beg yourself or people, why would you want to change yourself? Also what if DS is similar to you. You’ll be his best friend growing up like my mum is. Into adulthood we are still best friends. Stop trying so hard, rejection hurts. Stop putting yourself through It x

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/09/2019 10:01

In my home town I couldn't seem to gel with people. I was left out of things and was always on the periphery

Then I moved 200 miles away and suddenly was going out or being included in things.
Went from being ignored to being popular.

Everything was going so well then DP got a job in a different part of the country and we moved, (did move around the country after for a few years). I thought people would be the same as where I had left but I didn't have a conversation with anyone for about 12 years.
Went back to being ignored or dismissed.

Moved back to around where we left and have more friends than ever.

Sometimes it is not you it is other people or just where you live.

Original poster

MistyGlen · 14/09/2019 10:02

I just feel sorry for him being stuck with me. Nobody else wants to be my friend but DS is forced to. It’s already having a negative effect on him because I’ve been excluded from this party and DS has been excluded by association.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Last year I bought a table of five tickets for a Xmas meal and invited four people I thought might make good friends. They’ve had parties since and not invited me. I’ve invited them separately for coffee and play dates but just got excuses. So I guess I’m good enough to take a free meal from but not good enough to be an actual friend.

OP posts:

Pamplemousecat · 14/09/2019 10:05

Misty glen where do you live?

HaveIGoneMad · 14/09/2019 10:07

I know how you feel, I don't have any close friends at all, I have acquaintances but nobody would meet up with just me and my children. I'm painfully shy and awkward and find it unbelievably difficult to make friends (I know alot of people say just put yourself out there but it's not so easy is it?). Your son though, is absolutely 100000000% better off with you! You are his whole world and he loves you. Please don't feel like you aren't good enough because I garuntee that for him there is no one in the world better than you.

Passthecherrycoke · 14/09/2019 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Marinetta · 14/09/2019 10:08

I think you are being unreasonable. You obviously love your son and it sounds like you're making every effort to look after him well and are trying to be a good parent. Putting him up for adoption won't do either of you any good, it will probably just to traumatic for you both. It sounds awful that you are being excluded from activities and parties and I don't know why it's happening to you but at such a young age your son won't notice and certainly won't be effected by it. Have you thought about why you find it difficult to make friends and don't get invited to things? When I was at school I was extremely shy and hardly spoke to anyone and didn't get invited to anything outside of school which always hurt me but then it was pointed out that no one invited me becauae no one knew me becayse I never actually spoke to anyone. Are you similar to me in that you go to the baby group but don't interact with the other parents? Could you make more of an effort or maybe take the initiative and organise something to invite them to? I'm not sure what resources are available to help you but have you tried to identify why you don't seem able to build friendships and try to work on it and improve it? I wouldn't worry about your son not having any friends, once he is at nursery and school he will have plenty of people to play with and if you keep taking him to baby groups his social skills will be well developed by the time he goes to school.

Original poster

MistyGlen · 14/09/2019 10:09

Passthecherrycoke if you haven’t suffered the pain of a lifetime of rejection then I can see how it might be difficult to understand why I’d want to spare my son that pain if I can.

OP posts:

Tiredmum100 · 14/09/2019 10:09

You son would not be better off without you. You obviously love him very much and that's what a child needs. As others have said you just havent found your people yet. Are there any clubs you could join, do you have family support?

Passthecherrycoke · 14/09/2019 10:11

Don’t be daft. Being a foster child isn’t exactly going to win him friends either is it? You’d be inflicting a lifetime of the worst pain on him. There isn’t even anything wrong with him at the moment

TeaForDad · 14/09/2019 10:13

Where's your partner?

Original poster

MistyGlen · 14/09/2019 10:13

Marinetta I don’t know why I can’t make friends. As far as I can tell I’m doing the same thing everyone else is. I go to hobby groups, I invite people out for coffee and play dates, I paid for a Xmas meal and invited people to join me for free in the hope it would kick start friendships. It hasn’t worked.

OP posts:

babysnowman · 14/09/2019 10:13

You poor thing, that's a horrible way to feel. You sound lovely, it's just a shame that sometimes other people are thoughtless. I moved to a new city a few years ago and have a new baby and it is so hard when people leave you out or make plans then flake out on you. But you are absolutely the best person for your DS to be with, please don't doubt yourself xx

Maniak · 14/09/2019 10:13

It's really hard to make friends when you've got kids. I read a paper that found women are at the most friendless of their entire lives when their youngest child is 3. There are a lot of mums in the same position as you.

I felt the same way with my first baby. Not because of friends (although I didn't have any), but just general worthlessness. Every time she cried I'd think, I don't blame her, poor baby stick with a useless mother. It's post natal depression. It's the worst. Also completely untrue. The worst thing I could have done is adopt her. She is so great now! Children are resilient. I really feel for you, op. I think things will get better though.

guinnessguzzler · 14/09/2019 10:14

People really can be cruel and selfish but my experience of exclusion is that it generally says far more about the people doing the excluding than the one being excluded.

I am sorry you are going through this, I do understand how painful it can feel. I was excluded from a group of friends during my later school years and it honestly still hurts when I think about it now, even though with adult reflection and understanding I can see it was to do with their own (and one person in particular) insecurities and very little to do with me.

At this young age, children don't really socialise, more play alongside each other so he isn't missing out, although I know that isn't much consolation.

You are the most important person in the world to your son, and you will be for quite some time. There is nothing wrong with you, he loves you and will continue to no matter what. Focus on being your best, happiest self and try not to let cruel people hold you back from that.

Passthecherrycoke · 14/09/2019 10:17

“At this young age, children don't really socialise, more play alongside each other so he isn't missing out, although I know that isn't much consolation.”

OP says her son is at school, so absolutely of an age to socialise and play with other children. However there also doesn’t seem to be anything mentioned about him not having friends at school? Just the OP struggling with people her age

BoycottBoycott · 14/09/2019 10:19

if you haven’t suffered the pain of a lifetime of rejection

The vast majority of adopted people suffer exactly this.

Herja · 14/09/2019 10:20

I'm that person too OP. It was fine once we hit school age. I have worked hard to keep my children up to date with fads and fashions. I have tried so hard to give them the self esteem and self worth I never had. I have made sure that they look 'right', and do the 'right' extra curriculars.

It worked. They are popular in a way I never have been. Because their school friends are from, well, school, the parents have never known me well enough to not like me, so their children come for play dates etc.

Honestly, it really was all fine from age 4 or 5. I do understand, but your boy loves and needs you. You, not someone else.

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