To feel like I should have my DS adopted to give him a better chance

[MistyGlen]

I look at my DS and feel so sorry for him being stuck with me. I’ve never really had a friend, just acquaintances. I get excluded from every group and I’m always left out. At school nobody would speak to me and I was always alone. Struggled to get a job despite good qualifications because employers never hit it off with me. Invited neighbours round but when they had a party they didn’t invite me back. Took up a hobby and a baby group to meet people but never get invited to their meet ups outside of the weekly group. Today found out one of them is having a birthday party and has invited everyone except DS and me.

I really don’t want DS to be rejected and not invited because people don’t like me. I’m obviously not likeable or pleasant to be with, my entire life people have not wanted to spend time with me by choice, but DS is stuck with me. If someone else was his mum he’d be invited. I look at his poor little face and feel like he’s being punished for having me as a mother. And I’m worried that whatever is wrong with me will rub off on him.

Are you on fb? I don’t have ‘best friends’, I have friends, and my friends have their ‘best friends’ this is just me, how i roll.

I’ve had a shit breakup recently and really fancied a night out, and put up- I really need to drown my sorrows anyone fancying coming out sat night? I’ve had 16 night out on the back of that, with 3 meals, and started the gym with two people and started another activity that I fancied doing but didn’t have the courage myself.

What I’m saying is, I didn’t ask anyone, and I didn’t wait to be asked, i just put the request out to my 900 odd friends and seen who replied.

[flower] for you.

You’re his mum. You can give him a really good life, even if it’s the two of you. “Team Misty Glen”. Do things together, go out, bake cakes etc.

Support any interests he has.

Just a thought, are you depressed?

Being given up for adoption is the ultimate rejection, speaking from experience.

I went on to struggle to form friendships and relationships in adult life and am not close to my family either. Recently I’ve made a real effort to volunteer and retrain in something I’m interested in where I have made friends who I find it easier to be myself with - what do you do that makes you happy?

You need to find your tribe, there will be people like you out there but you won’t find them joining things you think you should. What things interest you?

You sound a great mum and your son is lucky to have you xx

Ok, shake some sense into yourself (gently)
If you want to spare your son the pain of rejection, then putting him up for adoption is the worst way to go about that! He would grow up feeling that rejection from you, and you clearly love him very much.

Without meeting you it's impossible to say what the barriers are for you, but it reads to me like a lack of confidence and self-esteem, plus perhaps a lack of social skills - through no fault of your own, perhaps what @katewhinesalot says is true, Probably a vicious circle from your childhood years or a self fulfilling prophecy because you are so conscious of what you say and how you behave.

If your son could do with broadening his social circle, can he go to after school club? Doe he have mates in his class, people he plays with at lunch time, etc?

And what about you - what do you love to do/read/talk about? What lights you up?

If people aren’t friendly it honestly isn’t personal 95 percent of the time. It’s that they are just, have enough friends and no time for more.

This is so very, very true.

Hi OP. As much as I hate to say this, I can imagine my eldest daughter writing something similar in years to come. She has autism, and although absolutely wonderful and lovely, has never really nailed the whole friendship thing. At least not in the long-term. I really feel for her and just can't understand it. Some of us attract other people much more than others, I guess.
She can be quite negative about it now, and almost expects to be rejected. I tell her to try to remain positive about it, as otherwise it can become a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This is what came to mind when I read your post.
I have 3 kids, and have met many different types of mums over the years. Some are incredibly shy and go out of their way to avoid social situations. Often their children are incredibly gregarious and popular! Your child is not you, and you are not your child, so please don't worry so much.
It will be easier when he's at school, and you can encourage play dates etc.
Good luck.

OP are you able to talk about your opinions on things and listen to others opinions. Do you have passions in life. Do you talk about your feelings and vulnerabilities with people?

Sometimes i think people are so traumatised by previous rejections in childhood That they just try and be meek, mild and innoffensive in adulthood and then wonder why noone is overly interested.
Before delving into a hole about your son being better off without you, I think youd get more benefit in developing yourself and finding your passions in life, so people want to get to know you. I think youve got some unpicking to do maybe, but it would be worth it. Im sure youre lovely enough, but sometimes people want more.
Please dont say silly stuff about giving up your child. Being a martyr is not attractive either. How on earth would he feel to know That his mother gave him up because she wasnt great at making friends. Sounds ridiculous doesnt it. Work on yourself if you're not happy, but having loads of close friends isnt a marker of how valuable you are as a person either x

Feeling excluded or lonely can be really hard to cope with, I do know how you feel to a certain extent.

I have an adopted son, I don’t have a family as they don’t want to have anything to do with me. Like your little one my son is the only child who wasn’t invited to class parties at nursery, if he was naughty, rude etc I would completely understand, but he isn’t, if anything he is too passive and too eager to please other children.

He did almost have a play date in July, a mum who sees me do drop off and pick up every day asked for my sons mums phone number (instead of asking me, who does drop off everyday). I gave her my number, she again asked for his mums number and my four year old son does what he normally does in what I call a ‘mum situation’ and informed her that he doesn’t have a mummy. She then said “oh, a play date wouldn’t be suitable at your house and I’m too busy”. Oh well, her loss 🤷🏽‍♂️

I’m lucky as I do have friends who are my surrogate family and my best friends mum has essentially become my mum. I would really struggle without them.

I do wonder though, are you maybe coming across as too keen with new people and possiby scaring them off?

Yes, I’m probably not the best person to be my sons parent, but I am good enough, and thats what matters.

I was placed in a children's home at the age of 5 after having had a horrific start in life. (was at the top of the 'at risk' register) I spent the rest of my school life being judged, bullied, friendships rarely lasted. Now as an adult, I'm married, have 3 beautiful children and just 1 friend. I would have much preferred a mother who loved me and was there for me than what I actually had. Please don't beat yourself up. All that little boy of yours needs is a mum to love him and guide him in life. Teach him right from wrong. Go to the park, do general chit chat with other mums, thats all I do. Children are great, they make their own friends when they are ready. As long as he sees you speaking/interacting with other adults he will learn to interact with others himself.
On another note, I feel you perhaps need to go to your gp. You seem somewhat down on yourself. Depression can be a very dark and lonely place, the fact you are even considering giving your child away worries me.
Take care of yourself and your family. 💐🤗

If your in the midlands I’m up for a coffee

I’ve been there done that-I used to go home and cry cos I was the loner in the school playground

But I joined every mummy group I could find

I started smiling at the other mums

(And me being me started cooing over any baby I could get my hands in-then by flattering the baby I got talking to mum)

My kids started making friends and I started talking to the mums

Years on some (not all) are still my besties and so are our kids

You just need to relax and your tribe will find you-it’s so bloody hard and lonely but it will happen I promise

My experience: About 10 years ago I was completely friendless and couldn't understand why. I was "nice", I was helpful, I was smily. I tried my very best to be friendable. I went to work every day and faced rejection, exclusion, blatant rudeness and callousness. No-one cared about me. Even my boss (openly) hated me.

One evening I went home completely broken by it all. I decided fuck it. No-one likes me anyway. From now on I'll be 100% myself. I don't care if they don't agree with my opinion. I don't care if they don't share my likes and dislikes. I don't care if they don't like me standing up for myself. They don't like me anyway. Basically my life changed overnight. I made friends very quickly. I was happier instantly because I was true to myself. I have made some very, very good friends in the last decade. People who share my interests and who love me for being me.

There is something about being a people pleaser that drives people away. You sound so down about yourself OP. It a lot sounds like you need to reconnect with yourself and learn to love yourself again. Agree with pp that counselling may help. And also what I said above about doing things for you and putting yourself first

@MistyGlen

Do you think is possible you might have social anxiety? I have a mild case of it. A low dose of Citalopram worked very well for me. Friendship is a long game though and it sounds like you might be coming on a bit too strong too early? People have so many demands on their time, I find it's better to just say something a bit casual, like "I was going to go to [insert activity] with DC. Would love some company if you and DC want to join us!"

God, some people on here go out of their way to be arses.

Look behind what's written (any of you do Comprehension at school? Reading for Inference and Deduction?)

The OP is sad, lonely and worried for her and her child's future. Have a teeny scrap of empathy, could you?

OP- it's hard and I don't know what better you could do, just do realise, sometimes it really is them not you.

@MistyGlen I really feel for you. I don't have many friends myself. However my DH was adopted and it messed him up no end. He's such a kind and caring man but he never feels like he's good enough for anything because his own mum didn't want him. You think it would be the best thing but I'm very sure he would disagree. It'll get easier when he starts making his own friends when he's older.

@PonteLaCorona
You're an inspiration. Honestly. I'm a chronic people-pleaser and it really does me no favours as others just seen to find it annoying. I don't blame them, I don't like people like that either. But I'm even more scared of being rude. It's such a difficult balance! I'm learning, though!

MistyGlen.

I hear a mother who loves her son very much. That is what he needs, most of all. He is so lucky to have you, who is obviously willing to consider whatever it would take to give him the best. I doubt very much that adoption would give him that.

The worst thing is feeling that our kids are suffering and we're to blame, I hear you, I expect most parents feel like this sometimes. I've also had periods of my life where I felt left out, lonely and rejected. It's horrible and no wonder you feel so low.

I think you need to practise some self care, here. Have you tried seeking help for low self esteem and depression? I'd suggest your GP, maybe a health visitor, or MIND. Try the library for books on self-help. There's an absolute tonne of ways of meeting people - sometimes it takes ages and we feel all alone, but I am sure that eventually someone will turn up.

We live in a bit of a fragmented, insular and lonely society these days, it's harder than it used to be to make and keep friends, no matter what social media would lead you to believe. Lots of people are feeling the same way you do, I promise you.

One day at a time, one step at a time. Be kind to yourself.

All the best. xxx

If you're in my area, I'd go for coffee with you! I find it awkward making new friends but I love going to people's houses for coffee and then reciprocating. I'm so sorry this is making you feel so sad and also that it's affecting your son

I’m just wondering if you’re trying to make friends with the “popular” mean girls types. Those women tend to dislike me too, as I’m not the most polished (I’ve got better things to do than spend hours on my hair). They are also very cliquey and tend to only want to be friends with people who drive the right type of car, live in the right post code, have immaculate nails etc.

My friends are a bit alternative/geeky (like me) and are not one group, I’ve met most of my friends from book group and hiking as we’ve bonded over a shared interest. I don’t have a large group of friends, just 3 or 4. I’m also a bit of an introvert and as harsh as it sounds I struggle to click with the women at work as they talk about diets and make up all day, so I just don’t bother and am therefore excluded, which I don’t mind. I am 40 though and I think you start to accept yourself as you get older. I remember wondering why I couldn’t have a large group of friends to socialise with, when I was younger.

MistiGlen

Loneliness is awful.

My scrap of advice is to try and stop looking for friends. People are strangely put off by others who are open about seeking friendships.
Do you work? Do you have an opportunity to volunteer?? What do you enjoy doing??

Really Nanny ?

There has been an awful lot of empathy on here. Yes we could stop making suggestions too, but if maybe one teeny tiny nugget of the "advice" helps the op then isn't it worth suggesting stuff?

I think getting your ds adopted because you don't have lots of friends would be using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. There are plenty of things you could do that are not so drastic

So to spare your son potential rejection by peers you want to inflict the certainty of rejection by his parent ? That isn’t logical.

Pls seek counselling for yourself.

@MistyGlen I’m not going to advise on how to make friends as I’m pretty rubbish at it myself!
I absolutely agree with the fact that you just haven’t found your people yet.
I can empathise and understand how painful it is to feel so alone and worry that you will pass on the same challenges to your children but this is not true. It’s our minds telling us these things through fear and feeling dejected.
Just focus on you and your baby. Don’t worry about others. Go out with him and make memories. You are his mum and not his friend but you can have the best times together whilst guiding him into adulthood.
Have lovely days out together. Go on holidays and explore the world together. Movie nights and den building and microwave popcorn and sweets. Board game afternoons. Bake, make, go for long walks (the geocaching app is amazing) anything you like!
You can spend the next 10 years with your son feeling sad about what you don’t have or you can spend the next 10 years being the fantastic mum I think you probably are to him and having so much fun making so many happy memories.
Not for one minute do I not understand. I deeply understand. And I feel for you, so very much. If I could hug you I would! But we have to push through this for a life we feel happy with.
Maybe look into a local talking service for some therapy if you’re finding these thoughts too hard to deal with alone. They’re offered on the NHS in most areas.

Please dont feel like this. He needs you.
You will find people you gel with but they will come to you